ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
All the best comedic writers in the world couldn't come up with
stuff better than this ...its amazing how funny things are getting:
Michael Jackson compares himself to Nelson Mandela ...oh yeah
I can see that resemblance right away ...just not sure if I can
remember the last time Mandela had sex with a child!
Terri Schiavo's family is still involved in legal wrangling over her
feeding tube's insertion ... meanwhile the woman is slowly
starving to death ... and yet we are preparing to execute in a
"compassionate manner" a convicted murderer of two people,
Scott Peterson!
Johnny Cochrane dies of a brain tumor ... obviously this is not
a new development as we all suspected the same during the
OJ Trial!
And just this morning ... we hear that The Pope has had a feeding
tube inserted ... maybe he should stay away from Terri Schiavo's
husband!
Yeah I know .... I am going to hell ... but so are most of you so I will
have lots of company! ;) Have a good week ...taking off to Edmonton,
Alberta for a few days ...going to ride the coaster and swish the
waterslides.
Since I am going to miss my annual April Fool's gag ... I thought I
would share this with you ... I could NEVER accomplish what
Michael Dare did in 1985 ... but you will have to read all about it.
Suffice to say ... a lot of people in LA ended up feeling just a little
bit stupid!
<a href=" http://www.laweekly.com/ink/98/18/first-dare.php
">Michael Dare</a>
http://www.laweekly.com/ink/98/18/first-dare.php
Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, Stan, Amy, Barb,
Rubin, Laura.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
What should you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
<If these ezines are not free ... I offer you double your money
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
18 Things We Learned from the Terri Schiavo Case
* Jeb Bush, George W. Bush, and Tom Delay are all world
renowned Neurologists.
* 22 successive court battles that all ended in exactly
the same way means there is something wrong with the
courts, not the Schindler's case.
* Mike is after money which is why he turned down 1 million
dollars and 10 million dollars to sign over guardianship.
* Congress and the State Legislature of Florida has nothing
better to do than pry into the private medical affairs of
others.
* Pulling life support is bad in Florida when authorized by
the legal next-of-kin, but pulling life support is good in
Texas when you run out of money and the mother pleads not
to pull the plug on her baby.
* Medical diagnoses are best performed by watching highly
edited videotape made by Randall Terry rather than in person
by trained physicians.
* Minimum wage making nursing assistants are more qualified
to diagnose a persistent vegetative state than experienced
neurologists.
* Cerebral spinal fluid is a magical potion that can mimic the
entire functions of a missing cerebral cortex.
* 15 years in the same persistent state is not really enough
time to make an accurate diagnosis.
* A feeding tube that infuses yellow nutritional goop is not
really "life support."
* Jesus was wrong when he said that a man and woman should leave
their parents and cleave only to each other.
* Marriage is the most sacred of all unions, except when it isn't.
* Interfering in a family's private tragedy is a great reason to
cut short a vacation, but getting a memo that warns a known
terrorist is determine to strike inside the US is cause to relax
and finish up some R&R.
* Pro-lifers are really compassionate people which is why they are
hoping that Michael Schiavo dies a horrible painful death.
* The Supreme Court of the United States and the State Supreme
Court of Florida mean "Maybe" when they are saying "No!".
* Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a bleeding heart liberal.
* 7 Supreme Court Justices were appointed by republican presidents,
so it's Clinton's fault.
* A judge who makes rulings based on the law is obviously an atheist,
liberal, democratic activist even though he is a conservative,
republican, Southern Baptist.
<a href=" http://www.disinfotaimenttoday.com
">DisInfotainment Today</a>
http://www.disinfotaimenttoday.com
ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1940 Astrud Gilberto Brazil, singer (Girl From Ipanema)
1940 Jerry Lucas Middletown OH, NBA center (New York Knicks, NBA rookie of year
1964, Olympics-gold-60)
1940 Norman Gifford cricketer (respected England slow left-armer 1964-73)
1941 Brendan O'Friel CEO (Prison Governors Association)
1941 Robert C Smith (Representative-Republican-NH, 1985- )
1941 Ron Johnston Vice-Chancellor (Essex University)
1941 Sven Hamrin Sweden, road race cycler (Olympics-bronze-1964)
1942 George Esson Chief Constable (Dumfries & Galloway)
1942 Graeme Edge Rochester Staffordshire England, rock drummer (Moody
Blues-Nights in White Satin, Your Wildest Dreams)
1943 Bob Blewett cricketer (father of Greg South Australia batsman 1975-79)
1944 Gerrit Komrij Dutch poet/essayist (Happy Schizo)
1945 Eric Clapton [Eric Patrick Clapp] Ripley England, legendary
guitarist/singer (Yardbirds, Cream, Tears in Heaven)
1948 Dave Ball rocker (Procul Harum)
1948 Jim Dandy Mangrum vocalist (Black Oak Arkansas-Jim Dandy)
1948 Justin Deas Connellsville PA, actor (Buzz-Guiding Light, Dream Lover, As
the World Turns, Santa Barbara)
1948 M A King FBA, economist
1948 Nigel Jones British MP
1949 Leslie Joan Corn theatre producer/director/writer
1949 Sue Cook British broadcaster
1950 Dave McCurdy (Representative-Democrat-OK, 1981- )
1950 Eugene Bowen composer (Wonder's Edge)
1950 Joseph Cali New York NY, actor (Nick-Today's FBI)
1950 Rupert Greenall rock keyboardist (Fixx)
1951 John Gosden racehorse trainer
1955 Randy Van Warmer Indian Hills CO, vocalist (Just When I Needed You Most)
1957 Elena V Kondakova Moscow Russia, cosmonaut (STS 84)
1957 Paul Reiser New York NY, actor (My 2 Dads, Diner, Aliens, Mad About You)
1957 Yelena Vladimirovna Kondakova Russian cosmonaut (Soyuz TM 20, STS 84)
1958 Joseph Paul Sindelar Fort Knox KY, PGA golfer (British Columbia Open-1985,
87)
1959 Daniel Seifried Kitchener Ontario, Canadia Tour golfer (1981 Thunder Bay)
1960 William D Johnson US alpine skier
1962 M C Hammer [Stanley Kirk Burrell] Oakland CA, rapper (U Can't Touch This)
1963 Jenny Lidback Lima Peru, LPGA golfer (1995 du Maurier Ltd Classic)
1963 Lomas Brown NFL tackle (Detroit Lions, Arizona Cardinals)
1964 Corey Millen Cloquet MN, NHL center (Calgary Flames)
1964 Dave Ellett Cleveland OH, NHL defenseman (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1964 Tracy Chapman US singer/songwriter (Freedom Now, I Got a Fast Car)
1965 Karel Novacek Prostejov Czechoslovakia, tennis star (1994 Hilversum)
1965 Piers Morgan editor (Daily Mirror)
1967 Ian Ziering West Orange NJ, actor (Steve Sanders-Beverly Hills 90210)
1967 Julie Richardson Auckland New Zealand, tennis star (1992 Futures-Canberra)
1968 Celine Dion Qubec Canada, singer (I'm Your Woman)
1968 Donna D'Errico Dothan AL, playmate (September 1995)/actress (Baywatch)
1969 Marco Foddis pop drummer (Pestilence)
1969 Mark Astley Calgary, NHL defenseman (Buffalo Sabres)
.....and on this day in history:
1940 2nd NCAA Men's Basketball Championship: Indiana University
beats Kansas 60-42
1941 German counter offensive in North-Africa
1942 1st RSHA-transport from France arrives in camp Birkenau
1942 SS murders 200 inmates of Trawniki labor camp
1943 5th NCAA Men's Basketball Championship: University of Wyoming beat
Georgetown 46-34
1943 British 1st army recaptures Sejenane
1944 781 British bombers attack Neurenberg
1945 289 anti-fascists murdered by Nazis in Rombergpark Dortmund
1945 USSR invades Austria during WWII
1946 "St Louis Woman" opens at Martin Beck Theater NYC for 113
performances
1946 Australia beats New Zealand in cricket at 3 30pm on 2nd day
1946 Last Test Cricket appearance of Bill O'Reilly (5-14 & 3-19)
1950 Phototransistor invention announced, Murray Hill NJ
1952 6th Tony Awards: Fourposter & King & I win
1952 Patty Berg wins LPGA New Orleans Women's Golf Open
1953 Einstein announces revised unified field theory
1954 Test Cricket debut of Garry Sobers vs England at Kingston
1955 27th Academy Awards: "On the Waterfront", Marlon Brando &
Grace Kelly win
1956 USSR performs nuclear test
1957 1st performance of Walter Piston's 4th Symphony
1959 WNED TV channel 17 in Buffalo NY (PBS) begins broadcasting
1961 NASA civilian pilot Joseph A Walker takes X-15 169,600' (51,690 meter)
1963 France performs underground nuclear test at Ecker Algeria
1964 Astronaut John Glenn withdraws from Ohio senate race
1966 Barbra Streisand stars on "Color Me Barbra" special on CBS
1967 Cover picture of Beatles' "Sergeant Pepper" is photographed
1968 General Ludvik Svoboda elected President of Czechoslovakia
1969 Kathy Whitworth wins LPGA Port Malabar Golf Invitational
2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Survivor South
After watching Survivor's umpteenth episode on television the other
night, it occurs to us that if these folks think they are survivors,
they ought to live in the South where surviving is more than a game,
it's a way of life.
Diving in the ocean for sake bottles? Don't get me started! Good
ol'
boys were diving into the 10 foot deep swimming hole almost before they
could swim. There were not any sake bottles there, but we might find a
few longneck beer bottles if anybody is stupid enough to want to look
for them.
Survival? Try taking a short cut across the back lot behind ol' Mr. Jones'
house if you really want to be a survivor. You will learn to survive
really
fast to when being chased by his ornery old pit bull. And if the pit bull
doesn't teach you anything, chances are Mr. Jones' buckshot will. Try
surviving that!
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/survivor.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/survivor.htm
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"Defense lawyers say they might have Michael
Jackson testify. They don't really want him to, but doctors
believe it's the only way they can get his nose to grow
back."
-Roseanne Barr
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Men Are Life Coffee
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/menarelike.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/menarelike.shtml ">Men
Are Life
Coffee</a>
How To Get A Boyfriend
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/howto.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/howto.shtml ">How To
Get A
Boyfriend</a>
International Symbol
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/intlsymbol.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/intlsymbol.shtml
">International
Symbol</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Anni noticed something funny about Dawn's ear and
she said, "Dawn, did you know you've got a suppository in
your left ear?"
Dawn answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out &
stared at it. Then she said, "Anni, I'm glad you saw this
thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
snap bubbles online at this site
<a href=" http://www.snapbubbles.com/
">snap bubbles</a>
http://www.snapbubbles.com/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck
in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however,
I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay,
I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over
50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the
same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened
one morning at 3:44 A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name
and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 3:44 A.M., Bernard called his
neighbor back. "Good morning, Mr. Williams. just called to
say that I don't have a dog."
ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Things Not To Say During Sex
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dontsay.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dontsay.shtml ">Things
Not To Say
During Sex</a>
I'm Still Hot
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stillhot.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stillhot.shtml ">I'm
Still Hot</a>
Australian Sunblock Ad
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sunblockad.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sunblockad.shtml
">Australian
Sunblock Ad</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Little Johnny was brought to The doctor cause he hadn't eaten
anything for days. The doctor offered him all the goodies he
could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't
work. A little pleading, to no avail.
Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He
said "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're
not going anywhere till you eat something. You can have whatever
you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave. "
Johnny just sat and glared for some time, then said "Ok. I'll
eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I
want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."
The doctor was ok with this. He asked the child what he'd like.
"Worms!" said Johnny.
The doctor was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem
like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in.
"Not that many, just one " yelled Johnny as he saw the plate.
So, everything other than one worm was removed. Johnny then
demanded that the single worm be cut into two and then the doctor
eat half. The doctor went through the worst ordeal of his life,
and after finishing barely managing to keep his cool said, "Ok,
now eat!"
Johnny refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ
If all the hot dogs than Americans comsume in one year were laid out,
it would stretch from the Earth to the Moon, and back.
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
Rosey posing thoughtfully in the mirror says to Paula, "I think
I'm going to see a dietitian."
Paula asked, "Why?"
Rosey answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many
calories are in sperm!"
Thinking a minute, Paula said, "I really have no clue, but if you
are consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are
a little chunky!"
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Tetris
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tetris.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tetris.shtml
">Tetris</a>
Pipsoh
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pipsoh.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pipsoh.shtml
">Pipsoh</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
******* WIN
FREE TOILET PAPER *******
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet
Paper</a>
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is
the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the
bottle opener."
"I didn"t bring it" says Roy. "I thought you packed
it".
Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle
opener?"
Naturally Andy didn"t bring it.
So they"re stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says
they will eat all the sandwiches while he's gone.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they
will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the
road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn"t back and Mick and Andy are starving,
but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock
and shouts, "SEE! I KNEW IT! ....I'M NOT GOING!"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Gold Digger
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/golddigger.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/golddigger.shtml ">Gold
Digger</a>
Let's Communicate
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl39.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl39.shtml ">Let's
Communicate</a>
Tell Me Something I Haven't Heard Before
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tellme.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tellme.shtml ">Tell Me
Something I
Haven't Heard Before</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A Taiwanese company has introduced a new service allowing men to
order tailor-made size condoms. Taiwanese company SakuNet
International makes 55 different sizes of condoms ranging from
just three inches to more than nine inches. The company says
the most popular condom sold in Taiwan is 4.2 inches long and
1.9 inches in diameter. Company manager Huang Wanting says
uncomfortable condoms can easily break or slip, adding to
the risk of infection or pregnancy.
Men can log onto the company's website and download and print
out the length measurement card so they can order the most
appropriate condom. Huang says that since they introduced the
service, there have been more than 20,000 downloads of the
measurement card, and they have sold 5,000 dozens of condoms
in different sizes. To avoid embarrassment, the measurement
card has no numbers on it to indicate an actual size, but
unified serial numbers. The serial number for the largest,
(9.5 inches long, 2.5 inches in diameter) is G22, and the
smallest (3 inches long, 1.6 inches in diameter) is J33.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Sam Tinkleman sat on the examining table in the office
of Dr. Rosenstein, the world-famous urologist.
"My trouble," said Tinkleman, "is that I can't pee."
"How old are you?" asked the doctor.
Tinkleman said, "I'm one hundred and three."
"Well," said Rosenstein, "you peed enough!"
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[||||] N A I L B I T E R [||||]
"Diner at Wendy's finds a human finger in her chili ...
" (USA/3/24)
[] Probably a holdover from Dave Thomas's "hands on"
management
program.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
American Medical Association researchers have made a
remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions
may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than
human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Free Panties or Free Manties:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ">Free
Panites</a>
ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ
Several years ago, before I retired, I was a Corporal with the
Carmel-by-the-Sea police Department. One early morning, about
2am, we responded to a silent alarm at very well known and
prohibitively expensive art gallery. The doors and windows
were secure, but we could see a thin rope or wire hanging
down from the ceiling of the gallery. While we awaited the
arrival of the owner we noticed that there appeared to be a
dark colored lump behind a dimly lit display. When the owner
arrived and we opened the door, the lump quickly jumped up
and began tearing around the interior of the gallery, banging
against the locked doors and windows, looking for an escape
route, but we had all exits covered. It turned out that the
burglar, an industrious but stupid 20 year old, had gotten onto
the roof of the gallery, patiently unscrewed more than a dozen
screws that secured a skylight, and began to lower himself using,
guess what, a long piece of clothesline! After surviving the fall
but breaking his ankle, he tried to climb back up the clothesline
to the roof. Needless to say, he found that climbing up a quarter-
inch thick, plastic covered rope was completely impossible. After
a brief struggle he was taken into custody and charged with burglary
and resisting arrest.
ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
How are men like bank accounts?
Once they withdraw they lose interest.
ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Love Letter Marketing 101
One day last summer, I was lying in my hammock, drinking a beer and
relaxing. I was starting to nod off, when I heard a quiet "ahem."
I opened my eyes and spotted my young neighbor, Jeremy, who had just
started the 6th grade a couple weeks earlier.
"Hey, Mr. Deckers," he said. "Taking a nap, huh?"
I congratulated the lad on his keen powers of observation, although I
wished he had a better sense of timing.
"What services may I bestow upon you, young Jeremy?" I inquired.
"Huh?"
"What do you want?"
"I need some advice. Mrs. Deckers said you were pathetic with girls when
you were my age."
"Oh she did, did she?"
"Yeah. She said you were pretty hopeless until you met her. I figured
that if you were as dorky as she said, but you still got married, you
must have done something right. So I thought you were probably the best
person to help me."
I couldn't fault the little blighter for his logic, but felt I should
have a word with Mrs. Deckers later.
"So what do you need?"
"I need some help with a love letter. I'm trying to get Susie Capstone
to like me." He held out a neatly folded piece of paper. I looked it
over and immediately identified his problem. It looked like what I would
have written when I was his age: 'Dear Susie, I like you. Do you like
me? Sincerely, Jeremy.'
I turned it over. "Where's the rest of it?"
"That's it. It's short and to the point."
"It needs serious help. It needs the delicate touch of a marketer."
I grabbed a pen from my pocket -- we writers are always prepared -- and
started scribbling notes on his paper.
"First you need a USP."
"What's that?"
"Universal Selling Proposition. It's what sets you apart from your
competitors."
"My what?"
"Your competitors. Let me ask you this, is Susie pretty?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Do other boys like her too?"
"Yeah."
"Yes, lad, say yes. Speak clearly. Now, these other boys are your
competitors. Your USP tells Susie why she should pick you over them." I
scribbled a few more notes.
"Now what about an Attention Getter and Benefit Statement?"
Jeremy's glazed look told me he had no clue what this was.
"What's one positive thing that Susie would get by choosing you?"
"I have my own bike. It's a ten speed."
"Good, but that's a feature. A benefit is what she gets. So how does
your bike help her?"
"I could give her a ride somewhere."
"Excellent." I scribbled a few more notes. "Now we need a call
to
action, something for her to do. Research shows that giving a respondent
a call to action increases your response rate."
Jeremy could only nod silently. I wrote down one last thing. "What do
you think of this?"
'Dearest Susie, You have captivated my heart with your eyes that sparkle
like dew on a red rose in the early dawn. Come be my love and we can fly
anywhere your heart desires. If you will be mine, please respond with a
resounding yes, and pass this note back to Gretchen. I yearn for you,
Jeremy."
He looked at me suspiciously. "Are you sure about this?"
"Absolutely."
"Is this how you got Mrs. Deckers?"
"No, that's a whole different story. Now rewrite this in your own
handwriting and give it to Susie."
Jeremy still looked unsure, so I started to launch into a lecture about
the importance of word of mouth marketing when he said he heard his
mother calling and ran off.
A few days later, Jeremy interrupted another nap.
"So what was the final return?" I asked. "Did it work?"
"Well, yes and no. No, Susie is already going with Tyler Marlowe and he
nearly beat me up."
I started to offer my condolences, but he held up his hand.
"But," he continued, "she showed it to her friends, and now
three girls
like me."
"Wow, Referral Marketing. That's really great. I'll bet you're pretty
excited about that, huh?"
Jeremy whipped out a pair of sunglasses and stuck them on his face. "You
bet. Now I want to create a few different versions of the letter so I
can start testing them on different markets. I figure I can improve my
customer retention rate by 20% if I pump up the copy and leverage my
brand buzz in other schools. Do you know any good freelance
copywriters?"
I think I've created a monster.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.