ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Once again we hear the terrible news out of Red Lake, MN where
a 15 year old boy walked into a school and began to shoot.  He
allegedly idolized the Columbine shooters and felt this was his
way of "making a mark."  Unfortunately he left his mark on at least
10 people including his grandfather.  Its so sad when kids take up
guns and kill other kids.  Life can never be that bad.

On a (much) lighter note ... .last Friday I got to see Rod Stewart in
Winnipeg with a really good friend of mine.  Her hubby bought her
tickets and then found that he couldn't make it  ... so I went along
as her date.  Rod, at 60, puts on a great show and basically he
still has it.  Unlike some of the "aging rockers" of the 70s/80s ...
Rod doesn't strut his stuff in a crude and rude way.  Rod's concert
was one of the best I have ever seen ... and since his tour began in
Winnipeg on Friday night ... you should have the chance to see him
as it moves close to you ...so if you get the chance ...go see it!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Kerry, Keli, Stan, Carole,
Laura, Jack, Unicorn, Barbara.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

95% of all people have hemorrhoids.

The other 5% are perfect assholes!

ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:

<If these ezines are not free ... I offer you double your money
back guarantee!>

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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside
the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball
driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room,
asked the pacing golfer.

"No.... "It's my ball."

ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

 1940   William Ritchie vice-chancellor (Lancaster University)
1941 Bruno Ganz Zurich Switzerland, actor (Strapless, Wings of Desire)
1941 Gary Lewis horse trainer
1942 Barbara Parkins Vancouver British Columbia, actress (Peyton Place, Asylum)
1942 Jon Arthur English composer
1943 George Benson Pittsburgh PA, singer/guitarist (Greatest Love of All)
1943 Joseph Schwantner composer
1943 Keith Relf Richmond London England, rocker (Yardbirds-For Your Love, Renaissance)
1944 Jeremy Clyde Buckinghamshire England, rocker (Chad & Jeremy-Yesterday's Gone)
1944 R P Mardling headmaster (Queen Elizabeth Grammar School, Wakefield)
1944 T S "Tony" McPhee rocker (Sad Go Round)
1945 Alan Opie baritone (Boughton Bethlehem, Britten 5 Canticles)
1945 Charles "Chuck" Jackson US singer (Playboy, Independents)
1945 Paul Schockemhle showjumper
1946 Don Chaney NBA player (Houston Rockets)/coach (Detroit Pistons)
1946 Laraine Ashton fashion models' agent (London)
1946 Rudy/Rudolf [von Bittner] Rucker US, sci-fi author (Wetware)
1946 Serge [Ruud Schaap] Dutch singer/guitarist (Saskia & Serge)
1947 Harry Vanda [Vandenberg] Hague Netherlands, rock guitarist (Easybeats)
1947 Patrick Olive percussionist (Hot Chocolate-You Sexy Thing)
1947 Priscilla Yates director (Royal Academy of Dancing)
1948 Andrew Lloyd Webber London England, composer (Evita, Starlight Express, Phantom of the Opera, Jesus Christ Superstar)
1948 Randy Hobbs rocker (Johnny Winter Band, McCoys)
1949 Brian Hanrahan British TV newsman (BBC)
1949 D Watson director (Brighton University)
1949 Fanny Ardant Monte Carlo, actress (Australia, Confidentially Yours)
1950 Mary Tamm Dewsbury Yorkshire England, actress (Odessa File, Doctor Who)
1951 Howard Reitzes Southgate CA, rocker (Iron Butterfly)
1951 Musa Khiramanovich Manarov USSR, cosmonaut (Soyuz TM-4, TM-11)
1952 Bob Costas Queens NY, sportscaster/talk show host (Later)
1953 Peter McEvoy Australia, actor (Against the Innocent)
1953 Thomas H Andrews (Representative-Democrat-ME)
1956 Lena Olin Stockholm Sweden, actress (Enemies A Love Story)
1956 Lyndsay Stephen Donnybrook WA, Australasia golfer
1957 Stephanie Mills singer/actress (Wiz)
1958 Joyce Lester Australian softball catcher (Olympics-bronze-96)
1958 Pete Wylie Liverpool England, rocker (Sinful)
1959 Matthew Modine Loma Linda CA, actor (Full Metal Jacket, Pacific Heights)
1960 Laurie Sargent rock vocalist (Face To Face)
1962 Diane Pavich Melbourne Australia, golfer (1993 T50 Alpine Australia Ladies)
1962 Juan Aguilera Spain, tennis star
1962 Tim Elliott Perth WA, Australasia golfer
1963 Hannu Virta Turku Finland, hockey defenseman (Team Finland)
1963 Rich Monteleone Tampa FL, pitcher (California Angels)
1963 Suzanne Sulley Sheffield South Yorkshire, rocker (Human Leauge-Human)
1964 Jeffrey Wagner Sydney New South Wales Australia, Australasia golfer
1966 Brad Edwards NFL safety (Atlanta Falcons)
1966 Brian Shaw NBA guard (Orlando Magic, San Francisco Warriors)
1966 Sean Berry Santa Monica CA, infielder (Houston Astros)
1966 Todd Ewen Saskatoon, NHL right wing (Anaheim Mighty Ducks)
1966 Yahya Ayyash militant
1968 Ramon Martinez Santo Domingo Dominican Republic, pitcher (Los Angeles Dodgers)
1969 Russell Maryland NFL defensive tackle (Dallas Cowboys, Oakland Raiders)

.....and on this day in history:

 1941  Grand Coulee Dam in Washington goes into operation
1942 Heavy German assault on Malta
1943 Dutch work week extended to 54 hour
1943 Obligatory work for woman ends in Belgium
1943 SS police chief Rauter threatens to kill half Jewish children
1944 600+ 8th Air Force bombers attack Berlin
1945 Arab League forms with adoption of a charter in Cairo Egypt
1945 US 3rd Army crosses Rhine at Nierstein
1946 1st US rocket to leave the Earth's atmosphere (50 miles up)
1946 Britain signs treaty granting independence to Jordan
1947 President Truman signs executive order calling for loyalty
1952 Dutch DC-6 crashes near Frankfurt, killing 44
1953 Antonn Zpotocky chosen as president of Czechoslovakia
1953 Louise Suggs wins LPGA Betsy Rawls Golf Open
1954 1st shopping mall opened in Southfield MI
1956 Death penalty against KPrime Minister-director Lon Jungschlaeger
1956 Musical "Mr Wonderful" with Sammy Davis Jr premieres at Broadway Theater NYC for 383 performances
1957 Earthquake gives San Francisco shakes
1957 Republic of India adopts Saka calendar along with Gregorian
1958 20th NCAA Men's Basketball Championship: Kentucky beats Seattle 84-72
1958 Faisal succeeds Saudi as king of Saudi-Arabia
1958 Liz Taylor's 3rd divorce (Mike Todd)
1958 USSR performs nuclear test at Novaya Zemlya USSR
1959 Betsy Rawls wins LPGA Nehi Golf Tournament
1960 1st patent for lasers, granted to Arthur Schawlow & Charles Townes
1962 "I Can Get It For You Wholesale" opens at Shubert NYC for 300 performances
1963 Beatles release 1st album, "Please Please Me"
1963 British Minister of War John Profumo denies having sex with Christine Keeler
1963 Oregon State's Terry Baker becomes 1st & only Heisman Trophy winner
1964 Barbra Streisand appears on the cover of New York Times Magazine section
1964 Carol Mann wins LPGA Women's Western Golf Open Invitational
1965 D Senanayake wins general elections in Ceylon (Sri Lanka)
1965 US confirms its troops used chemical warfare against the Vietcong
1967 Muhammad Ali [Cassius Clay] KOs Zora Folley in 7 for heavyweight boxing title in 1st Madison Square Garden fight
1968 Jarmila Novotna resigns presidency of Czechoslovakia
1968 Lynda Johnson ordered off San Francisco cable car for eating an ice cream cone
1968 Student riot in Nanterre near Paris France
1969 "Billy" opens & closes at Billy Rose Theater NYC after 1 performance
1969 "Come Summer" closes at Lunt Fontanne Theater NYC after 7 performances
1969 31st NCAA Men's Basketball Championship: UCLA beats Purdue 92-72 UCLA wins its 5th national championship in 6 years

2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

"Signs, signs, everywhere a sign...."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit - please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee!
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push"

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wo unds all heels."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be "delighted" if you'd send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

Sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

The Escape Artist
by Sheila Moss

This has been a bad pet week, to put it mildly. Last summer, we
adopted a wild cat. I use the term "wild" only to signify that
it is an untamed member of a domestic variety. It was a stray
cat that loved us so much that it sat on the back patio and sang
for days until we finally reluctantly took it in.

The funny thing is that as much as the cat wanted in at that time,
it now wants out. It has become an escape artist, refusing to behave
like a house cat and instead reverting to its primitive instincts,
which include escaping to the outdoors and climbing all over my car.

More?...

<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/cat.htm ">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/cat.htm

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your
body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Redneck Wedding
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckwedding.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckwedding.shtml ">Redneck
Wedding</a>

I Hope Thats A Gun In His Pocket
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pocket.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pocket.shtml ">I Hope Thats A Gun In
His Pocket</a>

I Guess I Will See You In Hell
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seeyouinhell.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seeyouinhell.shtml ">I Guess I Will
See You In Hell</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting
in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when
his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied:"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to
make the Van Gogh."

.. and you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that. ..

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

a bunch of stupid parodies of celebrity videos

<a href=" http://www.videoparodies.com/ ">video parodies</a>
http://www.videoparodies.com/

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading.

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new
and fun creation...get him for FREE at:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Stuck in traffic for what felt like eons, I couldn't help but
notice the license plate on the car in front of me.  It read,
"BAA BAA."

I was clueless as to why it was chosen until I looked at the
vehicle to which the plate was attached.  It was a black Jeep.

ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Perfect License Plate For This Car
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/licenseplate.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/licenseplate.shtml ">Perfect License
Plate For This Car</a>

Things You Can Do With A Useless Man
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/useless.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/useless.shtml ">Things You Can Do
With A Useless Man</a>

Almost As Good
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/almostasgood.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/almostasgood.shtml ">Almost As
Good</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was
surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the
front row of the classroom. Her name was Anni and she was the only
girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The shop
teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Anni
assured him that she was. The teacher then said, "This course may be a
bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with
tools?" "What exactly do you mean?" replied Anni. "Well, what's the
difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher
asked. Anni pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I
can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ

The world famous traditional British clothing & department store,
Marks & Spencers, was started in the covered market in Leeds, West
Yorkshire as Marks & Spencer's Penny Bazaar, with a catch line of
'Don't ask the price, it's a penny'

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must
have his brains between his legs."  "Yeah," her friend sighed,
"but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ

Do You Really Know Who Your Kids Are Talking To In The Chatrooms
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chatrooms.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chatrooms.shtml ">Do You Really Know
Who Your Kids Are Talking To In The Chatrooms</a>

OH MY...Cheney Is Well Hung Isn't He
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wellhung.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wellhung.shtml ">OH MY...Cheney Is
Well Hung Isn't He</a>

Oklahoma State Quarter
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/oklahomasq.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/oklahomasq.shtml ">Oklahoma State
Quarter</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something
the majority of men would rather not question in case
they discovered that she has been all along, and that
they are not in fact the stud they thought women go
wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a
problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but
would still like to know, there is a simple checklist
to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the
moment it sounds as though she is about to have an
orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been
looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!"
she was faking it.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune,
or sound like a familiar song, she can't be
concentrating enough on the job at hand, and
must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes
the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate,
is: stop at random and record her response. If every
time you stop she says "Mmmmm, you were wonderful,
baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she
isn't.

However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after
lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may
have fallen asleep, and missed most of the
excitement.

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

            ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER *******
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet Paper</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get tornadoes out
here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it
ran into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces."
The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a drive-in theater
it once blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle."

A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do you stand the
wind blowing every single day?"

The rancher said, "You just have to get used to it -- learn to lean
into it. In fact, one day last fall the wind stopped blowing all of
a sudden, and all the cattle in the panhandle plumb fell over." It
was so windy the prairie dogs were digging holes 40 feet in the air.
During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker
and applied for a loan.

The banker warned him, "I'll have to come out and inspect the
property first." The rancher replied, "That won't be necessary. Here
it comes now."

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Snowman For Sale
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/snow4sale.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/snow4sale.shtml ">Snowman For
Sale</a>

The Education Starts Early At This Preschool
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/preschool.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/preschool.shtml ">The Education
Starts Early At This Preschool</a>

Four Of These Have To Go
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl37.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl37.shtml ">Four Of These Have To
Go</a>

ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

An elderly woman in a deep slumber was mistakenly sent to
the morgue over the weekend after body collectors confused
her with her deceased roommate. Health authorities say a
driver that transports the dead failed to check the woman's
identification bracelets and ended up taking the 87-year-old
to a morgue across the street from her extended care facility.
The mix-up was only discovered when workers at the Surrey Memorial
morgue noticed some movement on the stretcher where the woman lay
sleeping. A spokesperson for the Fraser Health Authority says the
woman's family is just pleased the error was uncovered, before she
realized what was going on. "They spoke to our Surrey health
leadership and to people at Shirley Dean Pavilion (the extended
care facility) and they were very understanding that a mistake had
been made and appropriate action taken."

Staff at the care facility also noticed that the woman was missing
and promptly alerted security at the hospital to have her returned.
The driver who transported the woman was relatively new to the job
but has been fired by Vancouver First Call Service.

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A traveling circuit rider loved a certain brand of extremely hot
Tabasco sauce. He put it on everything he ate. When he traveled,
he carried a small bottle of this sauce in a bag.

One day the circuit rider stopped off in a small rural town. He
went into the local restaurant and ordered a steak for lunch.
When it was served, he pulled out his hot sauce, poured it on
the steak, said grace, and began eating.

A salesman at the next table noticed how much the pastor was
enjoying his meal. "Say, Parson," said the salesman, "you seem
to be really enjoying that steak."

"Why, yes, this is a very good steak," replied the minister,
"but only because I added this special sauce on top."

"Could I give it a try?" asked the salesman.

"Of course," replied the minister, passing him the bottle. The
salesman immediately applied a generous amount to his meal and
took a bite.

"Sorry to bother you again, Pastor, but I have a question," said
the salesman. "In your rounds do you often preach about hell?"

"Yes, I do," replied the circuit rider. "Why do you ask?"

The salesman replied, "Well, you're the first pastor I've ever
met who carried samples of it with him."

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

[||||] L E T T U C E    P R A Y  [||||]

"Michael Jackson has been starting his trial days by praying with the
Rev. Jesse Jackson."  (USA/3/16)

[]   "Lord, if the jury sets me free
      I'll give up kids and embrace Thee
      But if I end up in the pen
      Please grant me a cellmate under ten."

Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A guy was driving down through the South and being
hungry, he stopped at a roadside diner. Entering, he
say a sign advertising the special "Fresh Venison"
The guy orders the Special, and after completing the
meal, he saw the cook standing behind the counter
and said,"My complements to the chef, that was probably
the tenderest venison I have ever eaten"

The cook looked at him with a smile and replied, "Yep,
an 18 wheeler will do that won't it?"

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Free Panties or Free Manties:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ">Free Panites</a>

ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ

I am a lawyer and several years ago I was appointed to represent
a young man who had been charged with robbing a bank's ATM machine.
He'd gotten some 500 dollars or so, as I recall. When I inquired of
the prosecutor about the evidence he gave me a nice, bright smile
and handed me a manilla folder. Inside were 5 or 10 clear, black
and white photographs showing my client. Wait! I'm not sure it is
my client. There's a paper bag over his head! How can they say this
is my guy?

As I flip through the pictures all becomes clear: Having been too
dumb to cut eye holes into the paper bag, my brilliant client had
lifted the bag up so he could see what he was doing. Except for the
first two photographs, his face was clearly visible in every shot.
We didn't take the case to trial.

ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

Why is a virgin like a balloon?

One prick and it's all over

ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

No, I'm Not Going to Say That

Over the last seven years, I've become quite a coffee connoisseur. But
until I was 30, I hated coffee with a steamy hot, dark-roasted passion.
I blame my wife for my indoctrination.

"It smells like roasted feet," I would protest. "And it tastes twice as
bad." On the few occasions I would drink it, I had to douse it with milk
and load it with sugar. But I would otherwise avoid it.

Then I learned you could put chocolate in it. God bless the inventor of
the mocha.

But my wife persisted and eventually I was hooked. At first I drank it
more for the coffee buzz, but like most addictions, it became a matter
of avoiding the elephant-in-my-brain headaches. I considered a lawsuit
against Big Coffee, but was advised that coffee didn't actually pose a
health risk unless I dumped it in my lap. Besides, I'd face certain
death at the hands of coffee house barflies.

When I shop, I generally prefer local merchants over big multi-national
corporations, such as my local grocery store instead of Wal-Mart, a
local restaurant instead of McDonalds, or stealing the signal from my
local cable company rather than a national satellite TV provider. I even
prefer my local coffee shop brew over most national coffee shop chains.
With one exception.

I love Starbucks, that evil global coffee conglomerate. (Official motto:
We are Starbucks. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.)

Don't tell the owner of my local coffee shop, but I stop at the
Starbucks near my office every couple of weeks for a fix. And while I
love my local coffee, there's just something about Starbucks coffee that
keeps me coming back.

Trust me, I feel the appropriate amount of liberal guilt because I'm
supporting an evil global corporation But it's an evil global
corporation that makes really good mochas. So I stop back in at my local
coffee shop twice as much to restore the balance.

And I mentally punish myself every time I walk into a Starbucks. I park
as far away from the door as possible, and try to remain unseen as I
sneak in, like a minister sneaking into his favorite adult bookstore.

I'm the only other person in there as I skulk up to the counter and
place my order.

"Hi, what's your name?" the woman asks me. Her name tag says Suzy ?
Barista 738.

"Erik. I'd like a large latte with regular milk."

The barista (pronounced "coffee maker") stares at me blankly. "Lar-rj?
What is this 'larrj' that you speak of?"

I sigh. I go through this every time. "You know, the biggest size you
have."

"Oh, you mean a 'venti.'" The barista stares at me some more, waiting
for me to confirm my choice. But I just can't bring myself to say it.
"Venti" is Italian for "large," so why can't they just say "large?"

"Yes, one of those. A large."

The barista hesitates slightly. Her eyes narrow, and a look of
remembering clouds her face.

"Larrj? Larrj." She says the word a few times, trying it out as if she's
hearing it for the first time. Then something clicks in her mind.
"Large! I remember large!"

Her voice drops to a whisper. "I used to say large. In the Before Time."

"Before Time?"

"Before I was assimilated into the Starbucks Collective. Now we're all
supposed to say 'Venti.'" Her voice becomes urgent. "But you don't have
to. Fight it. Hold out for as long as you can."

Just then, her manager walks out of the back room, and she straightens
up. She mouths silently to me, "Keep the faith."

"Do you have an order up, Barista 738?" the manager calls out, eyes
glazed over.

"A venti latte for Erik," she calls out. A tear forms at the corner of
her eye.

"A venti latte for Erik!" the manager calls back.

The room is silent, but for the hissing of the steamer, as the manager
hits the milk for my large latte. It may be too late for Suzy, but I
won't let them take me. I'll remain true to myself and my individuality.
A large will remain a large, no matter what the Starbucks Collective
tries to do to me.

I make my silent vow as the door chimes and a new customer walks in.

"I'll have a Grande half-caf decaf low-fat vanilla mocha with skim milk,
no foam, no whipped cream."

God help us all.

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.