ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well today is a National Day of Mourning in Canada as we
remember the four slain RCMP Officers. Services will take
place in Edmonton, Alberta today with an expected 10,000
officers attending from all over North America. The four
officers were gunned down last Thursday on a farm in rural
Alberta while they were investigating the area for criminal
activity. The suspect in the slayings turned the gun on
himself before reinforcements arrived. At 1pm (MT) today
take a few moments to reflect on your life and remember
those who gave theirs to make this world a better place.
On a much lighter note ... the long awaited trailer for Star
Wars Episode III is unveiled tonight during "The OC" on
Fox. Now I have been seeing promos for this over the
last couple of weeks and am not a fan of The OC so I
would have missed it ... but that is not a problem because
during my favourite morning news program today they
premiered the trailer and look out ... SW III looks like
another excellent movie ... and we finally get to see
Darth Vader in full costume. The transformation is
complete ... now we just have to wait for May when
the movie is released.
And finally ... due to an extended school trip that my
son is involved in ... .there will be no issues next week as
I am off to chaperone 12 high school students on a career
trip ... oh boy watch those hormones fly! ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Kerry, Stan, Rubin,
Bugsmasher, Laura, jack, Unicorn, Carole.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the definition of an impotent loser?
A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's
to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1940 Chuck [Carlos Ray] Norris Ryan OK, martial arts actor
(Walker Texas Ranger, Missing in Action)
1940 David Rabe Dubuque IA, playwright (Streamers)
1940 Dean Torrence Los Angeles CA, surf music singer (Jan & Dean-Little Old
Lady from Pasadena)
1940 Francis Schwartz composer
1940 Wayne Dyer psychologist (Universe Within You)
1941 Daniel Kirkland Lentz composer
1941 Piotr Warzecha composer
1941 Sandra Palmer Fort Worth TX, LPGA golfer (1986 Mayflower Classic)
1943 Alfred Whitford Lerdahl composer
1943 Angelique Pettyjohn Los Angeles CA, actress (Body Talk, Star Trek)
1943 Stephen Montague composer
1945 Katharine Houghton Hartford, actress (Guess Who's Coming to Dinner)
1946 Gaylord Birch drummer (Reconstruction, Honey Dripper)
1947 Avril "Kim" Campbell Canada's 1st female Prime Minister/19th
Prime Minister (June 25, 1993-November 4, 1993)
1947 Laurie Langenbach Dutch author
1947 Tom Scholz rock guitarist/keyboardist (Boston-More Than a Feeling)
1948 Austin Carr NBA star (Cleveland Cavaliers)
1948 Eddie Grundy rocker
1950 Ted McKenna rocker (Alex Harvey Band)
1952 Oupa J Gqozo South African warden/army commandant (Ciskei)
1953 Caroline H "Carolien" van de Berg actress (Havinck)
1955 Bunny DeBarge Grand Rapids MI, rocker (Debarge)
1955 Juliusz Machulski Poland, director/writer/actor (Do It Yourself)
1956 Janet Anderson West Sunbury PA, LPGA golfer (1982 US Women's Open)
1957 Adolfo Horta Camaguey Cuba, heavyweight boxer (Olympics-silver-1980)
1957 Shannon Lee Tweed St Johns Newfoundland, playmate (November 1981) actress
(Meatballs 3)
1958 Sharon Stone Meadville PA, actress (Basic Instinct, Sliver, Casino)
1960 Linda Jezek California, backstroke swimmer (Pan Am Gold-1979)
1961 Jesse Sapolu NFL guard (San Francisco 49ers)
1961 Laurel B Clark Ames IA, Lieutenant Commander USN/astronaut
1961 Mitch Gaylord Van Nuys CA, gymnast (Olympics 1984)/actor (American Anthem)
1962 Andre Waters NFL safety (Arizona Cardinals)
1962 Gary Clark rocker (Danny Wilson-Mary's Prayer)
1963 Jasmine Guy Boston MA, actress (Whitley-Different World)
1963 John Cangelosi Brooklyn NY, outfielder (Houston Astros)
1964 Cynthia Brimhall Ogden UT, playmate (October 1985)
1964 Greg Campbell cricketer (Aussie pace-bowler 1989-90)
1964 Neneh Cherry Stockholm Sweden, Swedish pop singer (Buffalo Stance)
1964 Prince Edward Anthony Richard Louis of Britain
1965 Paul Masotti CFL receiver (Toronto Argonauts)
1965 Rod Woodson NFL cornerback/kick returner (Pittsburgh Steelers, San
Francisco 49ers)
1966 Edie Brickell Mrs Paul Simon/rocker (& New Bohemians)
1966 Michael Timlin Midland TX, pitcher (Toronto Blue Jays)
1966 Stephen Mailer New York NY, actor (Red Meat, League of Their Own, War
& Love)
1967 Derrick Graham guard (Seattle Seahawks)
1969 Jay Hillmann WLAF running back (Rhein Fire)
1969 Ricky Seagall rocker (Partridge Family)
1969 Stephen Leaney Australia, Canadian Tour golfer (1993 Infinit TPC-7th)
.....and on this day in history:
1940 1st US opera telecast, W2XBS, New York NY, I Pagliacci
1941 Larry MacPhail, Dodger GM predicts all players will wear batting helmets
1945 Germany blows-up Wessel Bridge on Rhine
1945 Japan declares Vietnam Independence
1945 Patton's 3rd Army makes contact with Hodge's 1st Army
1945 Tokyo in fire after night time B-29 bombing
1945 US troops lands on Mindanao
1946 Train derailment kills 185 near Aracaju Brazil
1948 1st civilian to exceed speed of sound-Herb H Hoover, Edwards AFB
California
1949 Detroit Tiger pitcher Art Houtteman is critically injured in an auto
accident but recovers to win 15 games in 1949
1951 "Where's Charley?" closes at Broadway Theater NYC after 56
performances
1951 FBI director J Edgar Hoover declines post of baseball commissioner
1952 Military coup by General Fulgencio Batista in Cuba
1956 General strike in Cyprus protesting exile of archbishop Makarios
1956 Peter Twiss sets new world air record 1,132 mph (1,823 kph)
1957 Thousands of soccer fans riot in Italy
1959 Dorothy Comiskey Rigney, sells 54% of White Sox to Bill Veeck
1959 Tennessee Williams' "Sweet Bird of Youth" premieres in New York
NY
1959 Uprising against Chinese occupation force in Lhasa Tibet
1960 USSR agrees to stop nuclear testing
1962 Due to it's no black policy, Phillies leave Jack Tar Harrison Hotel &
move to Rocky Point Motel, 20 miles outside Clearwater FL
1963 Pete Rose debuts with hits in his two 1st at bats in spring training
1963 Wilt Chamberlain of NBA San Francisco Warriors scores 70 points vs
Syracuse
1964 US reconnaissance plane shot down over East Germany
1965 Dutch Princess Margriet & Pieter van Vollenhoven, get engaged
1966 5 time Horse of the Year, Kelso, retires
1966 Dutch crown princess Beatrix marries Claus von Amsberg
1966 North Vietnamese capture US Green Beret Camp at Ashau Valley
1968 Ferry boat sinks in harbor of Wellington New Zealand (200 killed)
1969 James Earl Ray pleads guilty in murder of Martin Luther King Jr
2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
During a university course in human sexuality, the instructor
was discussing various items in the Kinsey report. The class
members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a
woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with her...Who was HE?'
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
Rebel with a Pause
by John Martin
My computer keyboard has 102 keys and I have no idea what at
least 20 of them are supposed to do. What, for instance, does
the Pause button do? When curiosity got the better of me
yesterday and I hit it, nothing at all seemed to happen. It
just, well, paused. At first.
When I was in my last years of school in the 1970s, computing
was an elective subject and only seriously strange kids took
it. I decided it was better to learn how to type because it
seemed like a skill that would actually be useful to me. Who
knew that computers were going to revolutionise the way we
work and live? Er, well apart from Mr Spock on Star Trek?
More?...
<a href=" http://www.dunno.com.au/pause.html
">John Martin</a>
http://www.dunno.com.au/pause.html
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
Berserk Briefs, satire-by-sroka, Unpublished Proceedings and the
World Famous Calendars/Short Stories..exclusively at
paulsfunhouse.com
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Boobs, Butt or Shoulder?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bbs.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bbs.shtml ">Boobs, Butt
or
Shoulder?</a>
Charles 'N Camilla Commemorative Coin
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chasncamillacoin.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chasncamillacoin.shtml
">Charles 'N
Camilla Commemorative Coin</a>
Charles 'N Camilla Go Riding
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chasncamillariding.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/chasncamillariding.shtml
">Charles 'N
Camilla Go Riding</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A woman had started a new job collecting the sperm from turkeys
to use for artificial insemination. One day, as she went up
to one turkey, it went "Gobble, gobble."
She replied, "Quite down! You'll settle for a hand job like
the rest!"
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
make your own movie and watch it
<a href=" http://www.digitalfilms.com/
">digital films</a>
http://www.digitalfilms.com/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The
husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some
time
now. Do you know him?"
"Yes," she replies, "He is my ex husband, and he's been
drinking like
that since I left him seven years ago."
"Remarkable," the husband replies, "I wouldn't think
anybody could
celebrate that long."
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
John & Marsha decided that the
only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their 8 year
old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony and
tell him to report on all the
neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his
parents put their plan into
operation:
'There's a car being towed from
the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed
"An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have
company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike"
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot
up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked
"How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out
on his balcony too..."
ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
Condoms are easier to change than diapers!
ӿ--------------------------TOON
TIME------------------------------ӿ
Undies For The Computer Addicted
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/puterundies.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/puterundies.shtml
">Undies For The
Computer Addicted</a>
He'll Need More Beer
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/morebeer.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/morebeer.shtml ">He'll
Need More
Beer</a>
Honey I Have A Surprise For You
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/surprise4u.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/surprise4u.shtml
">Honey I Have A
Surprise For You</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd
just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the
end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his
buddy. "But what if you came home one night and
caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says,
"I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog
in the ass."
ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ
There is no place in the British Isles where you can be
more than 80 miles from the sea.
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get
married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic.
"Gee, honey, don't you think you two should wait till he's been
practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother.
"Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been
practicing."
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Clothing Is Optional For These Diners
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/clothinopt.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/clothingopt.shtml
">Clothing Is
Optional For These Diners</a>
What Men Can Expect After Marriage
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/aftermarriage.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/aftermarriage.shtml
">What Men Can
Expect After Marriage</a>
What They Each Wanted
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whattheywant.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whattheywant.shtml
">What They Each
Wanted</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A very tired husband came home from the office after a long
grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting
for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.
She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch
where she proceeded to help make him "more comfortable."
"How should we do it tonight, honey?" she cooed in his ear,
"Shall we do 69?"
"I don't think so dear. I'm pretty tired. How about 68?" he said.
"Huh, 68? What's 68?" she asked, a little puzzled.
"You do me, and I'll owe you one."
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Computer got you down? Get Help NOW!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/6.html
">Help Desk</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
George goes to the doctor and says "Hey Doc I know
guys my age start to get hair growing in their nose and
ears and stuff, but look at this." Where upon he
displays his dick which is covered with hair.
The doctor says "Gee I never saw anything like that.
"Am I in trouble?" asks George.
The doctor takes some samples and tells George to
call him in a few days.
When George calls, the doctor tells him not to worry
but advises him to "Wash your hands better after you
put the Rogaine on you head."
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Wash Away Your Sins Towelette
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/washaway.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/washaway.shtml ">Wash
Away Your Sins
Towelette</a>
Bush At Work On The Phone
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bushphone.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bushphone.shtml ">Bush
At Work On The
Phone</a>
Male vs Female Shopping At The Mall
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/shopmalefemale.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/shopmalefemale.shtml
">Male vs Female
Shopping At The Mall</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
Romanian doctors have removed a man's wedding ring from
his penis. The patient, who is married and has two children,
told doctors he had a one night stand with another woman. He
couldn't say how the ring got onto his penis but suspected
the mistress wanted to embarrass him because he fell asleep
during sex. Doctors said the man, from Rovinari, Jiu county,
whose name was not revealed will recover after the incident.
They said it was not the first time they had to save people
from embarrassing situations. In another case, a man came to
hospital with his penis stuck in a cola bottle. "He looked
like a very respectable person. We managed to remove the bottle
without harming his sexual organ," a urologist told Opinia
Oltenien newspaper.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad
habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His
friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose
his aggressions and quit this behavior.
So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in
his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog
jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked
the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and
began apologizing to the mailman.
He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My
friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him
fixed. I just don't know what to do."
The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have
had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he
wasn't going to screw me."
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[||||] F L A C C I D O D O M I N G O [||||]
"Limp Bizkit guitarist Fred Durst sues several web sites for posting a
video of him having sex with his girlfriend." (USA/2/8)
[] And removing any doubt as to the genesis of the group's name.
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country
lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a
faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came to an
old farmhouse and knocked on the door.
'Hello', he says, 'I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my
truck has broken down, I wonder could I have a bed for the night?'
'Well', says the farmer, there's only two rooms, myself and the wife
in one, and my young (nubile) daughter in the other'.
'Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a
bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house', says the
greatest truck driver in the world.
'All right' says the farmer, and they all went to bed.
At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door
banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the
greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with
his bare arse going up and down. He went down stairs and loaded the
shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest
truck driver in the world's asshole.
'All right', he says, 'if you're the greatest truck driver in the
world, reverse out of there with a full load.......'
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
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ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ
A 63-year-old Wisconsin man is charged with sexual gratification
with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves. The man
allegedly told police that he routinely stopped at a Greenwood
farm, usually after bar closings or on trips to strip clubs near
Marshfield or Neillsville. A criminal complaint filed in Clark
County Circuit Court said the farm's owners installed a motion
detector on Jan. 22 after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle
tracks on their land. Around 4 a.m. the next morning, a sensor
sounded and the man was caught leaving the barn.
The suspect told police he had sex with heifers before he went
into the service in 1963 and resumed about a year ago at the farm.
He admitted he had been to the farm "at least 50 times," according
to the complaint. He told police he never had sex with animals
while maintaining a relationship with his girlfriend or his wife,
the complaint said.
ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"LESSONS FROM MY DAUGHTERS"
My daughters, Lekha and Divya, are both under 3, yet I've
learned more from them than I've learned from many adults.
These aren't the type of lessons you'll get in college,
unless you happen to have one of those radical professors
who decides, for a change, to teach you something practical.
My daughters are always teaching me practical stuff, mostly
by turning my life into a practical joke. From them, I've
learned about the importance of love, patience, and a good
stain remover.
I've learned that love is the greatest gift you can give,
that when you give a child a hug or kiss, you are giving her
something she will cherish, something she will appreciate,
almost as much as a lollypop.
I've learned that patience is a virtue, but it tends to run
out when you're late for a dinner party and your daughter
insists on dressing herself, struggling to fit her head into
the leg hole of her pants. She knows it's not a shirt, but
is just experimenting, trying to make her own fashion
statement.
I've learned that a child's imagination is a beautiful
thing, especially when the child imagines that doing the
dishes is a fun activity. But a child's imagination can also
be a headache, especially when the child imagines that your
head is a drum. And the remote control is a drumstick.
I've learned that there's nothing so sweet as an afternoon
nap. It's amazing how peaceful life can seem when your
children are asleep. Even 15 minutes can refresh you, make
you feel like having more children.
I've learned that the natural state of a home is chaos and
disorder, that any attempt at tidying up is quickly
corrected. Better to let nature take its course than to keep
removing the Britney Spears CD from the toaster.
I've learned that if you play a tortilla on your CD player,
you won't get Mexican music. But if you play an onion, a
tomato and a chili pepper, you might get salsa.
I've learned that it's easier to get pigs to fly than to get
my daughters to eat vegetables. As far as my older daughter,
Lekha, is concerned, there are three main food groups: milk,
spaghetti and ice cream.
I've learned that it's natural for a big sister to take care
of a little sister. When Divya touches one of Lekha's toys,
you should see how Lekha takes care of her. We've tried to
teach her the importance of sharing, but the only thing
she's eager to share with her sister is the side of her
foot.
I've learned that tantrums are natural. Not a day goes by
without my wife and I throwing one. It's the only way we
keep our sanity.
I've learned that there's no one as biased as a parent. If
your daughter draws a bunch of squiggly lines and tells you
it's the Mona Lisa, you're apt to call her Leonardo da
Vinci. And if she draws those squiggly lines on the living
room wall, you're apt to call her several other names.
I've learned that nothing is unbreakable in a home. That's
why it's a good idea to always wear a helmet. And to hide
the remote control.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com
Write to him
at comments@melvindurai.com