ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿ
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
**This issue was delayed one week due to some upgrading
on my webhosting.**
2005 .... WOW.... five years after the Y2K bug was a bust ...
4 years into the new millenium ... the future when we are
supposed to be driving around in cars that can fly ... when
travel to the moon is supposed to be as easy as a flight
across the country. When time-saving devices in our homes
are supposed to give us more leisure time than we know
what to do. Oh well ... maybe someday.
The end of 2004 and the start of 2005 have not been good ...
the Tsunami that hit Southeast Asia and Africa is turning
out to be one of the worst natural disasters in history as
the death toll continues to climb. Its really hard to imagine
the destruction that took place on Boxing Day especially
when you see the video of the beautiful sunny day as the
water crashes into the land. Maybe if there had been a
really viscious storm raging that day it would be easier to
accept ... but all those poor people had no warning at all.
If you have the resources please donate to one of the many
charities so that the people of Southeast Asia can begin
to rebuild their lives. I won't recommend any charity in
particular ... you make the choice. Any amount will help ..
so don't think your donation is too small.
Lets hope that this Tsunami is the worst thing we see in
2005 ... but for some reason I just don't think that will be
all. But we can try ... so here is is ... Volume 3 Issue
#1...
enjoy...welcome back and welcome to all those new subs
who arrived over the Christmas break.
Also it has become a sort of a tradition to add a new feature
to my ezine every year ... so this year I have included a
"Useless Fact" section... something that you really don't
need to know... but will probably win you a beer every
so often.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Jack, Barbara, Stan, Laura, Jo,
Rubin, Janie, Unicorn.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that
there is no God, the expression, "One Nation Under God", was
unconstitutional, and further, he was going to prove there is
no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15
minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall.
Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am,
God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine
just released from active duty and newly registered in the class
walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and
sent him ass over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor
was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in
confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent.
The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young
Marine in the front row. When he regained his senses and could speak
he yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1941 Bobby Goldsboro Marianna FL, singer (Honey)
1941 David Ruffin Mississippi, vocalist (Temptations-Papa Was a Rolling Stone)
1941 Tom Bailey rock vocalist (Thompson Twins-Doctor Doctor)
1941 Iva Zanicchi actress (Ragazza Tutta d'Oro)
1943 Dave Greene rocker
1944 Larry "Legs" Smith rocker (Bonzo Dog Band-Urban Spaceman)
1944 Relus ter Beek Dutch Minister of defense (PvdA)
1946 Katia Ricciarelli actress (Falstaff, Otello, Turandot)
1948 Takeshi Kitano Tokyo Japan, actor (Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence)
1950 John Hughes director (Breakfast Club, 16 Candles, Weird Science)
1950 Claudia de Colombia Bogato Columbia, Spanish singer (Yo Creo En Ti)
1950 Gilles Villeneuve Canadian auto racer
1953 Brett Hudson Portland OR, comedian (Bonkers, Hudson Brothers Show)
1955 Johannes AM "Hans" van Tongeren Dutch actor (Hunk)
1955 Kevin Costner Los Angeles CA, actor (Fandango, Silverado, Bull Durham)
1955 Mable Fergerson Los Angeles CA, 4x400m runner (Olympics-silver-1972)
1956 Mark Collie Waynesboro TN, country singer (Another Old Soldier)
1957 Tom Bailey rock vocalist/keyboardist (Thompson Twins-Doctor Doctor)
1958 Jeffrey N Williams Superior WI, Major Army/astronaut
1958 Larry Smith NBA player
1959 Bob Rosenberg rocker (Will To Power)
1961 Mark D Messier Edmonton Alberta, NHL Center (Edmonton, New York Rangers)
1962 Alison Arngrim actress (Nellie-Little House of the Prairie)
1962 David O'Connor equestrian 3-day (Olympics-silver-96)
1963 Jane Horrocks Lancashire England, actress (Absolutely Fabulous)
1964 Brady Anderson Silver Spring MD, outfielder (Baltimore Orioles)
1964 Jenny Holliday Australian softball pitcher (Olympics-bronze-96)
1965 Richard Dunwoody British jockey)
1967 M C Tab [Sharon Richard], New York City NY, rapper
1967 Kim Perrot WNBA guard (Houston Comets)
1967 Peter Cox Jr Bronxville NY, fencer-sabre (Olympics-96)
1969 Larry Webster defensive tackle (Baltimore Ravens)
1969 Marvin Pope CFL defensive end (Calgary Stampeders)
1970 Leo Araguz NLF/WLAF punter (Oakland Raiders, Rhein Fire)
1971 Andre Coleman NFL wide receiver/kick returner (San Diego Chargers)
1971 Greg Engel NFL center (San Diego Chargers)
1972 Dwayne Carswell NFL tight end (Denver Broncos-Super Bowl XXXII)
1972 Mike Lieberthal Glendale CA, catcher (Philadelphia Phillies)
1972 Ryan Kuehl defensive tackle (Washington Redskins)
1972 Steven Conley linebacker (Pittsburgh Steelers)
1972 Vinod Kambli cricketer (prolific Indian batsman 1993-)
1973 Crispian Mills London, vocalist/guitarist (Kula Shaker)
1973 Edward Jasper defensive tackle (Philadelphia Eagles)
1973 Junior Burrough NBA forward (Boston Celtics)
1973 Regilio Vreede soccer player (Blue White, RKC)
1974 Devon Odessa actor (Sharon-My So Called Life, Girl of Limberlost)
1974 Shane Burton defensive tackle (Miami Dolphins)
1975 Derek Smith linebacker (Washington Redskins)
1976 Laurence Courtois Kortrijk Belgium, tennis star (1995 finalist Jakarta)
1976 Vincent Polvliet soccer player (FC Utrecht)
1981 Kimberly Gloudemans Miss California Teen-USA (1997)
1981 Latoya Farley Miss Oklahoma Teen-USA (1996)
.....and on this day in history:
1942 Nazis arrest journalists Frans Goedhart & Wiardi Beckman
1943 Jews in the Warsaw Ghetto begin resistance of Nazis
1943 Presliced bread sale banned to reduce bakery demand for metal parts
1943 Soviets announce they broke the long Nazi siege of Leningrad
1944 1st Chinese naturalized US citizen since repeal of exclusion acts
1947 Small river steamer sank on Yangtze River, kills 400
1947 "Red Mill" closes at Ziegfeld Theater New York City NY after 831
performances
1947 Detroit Tigers sell Hank Greenberg to Pirates (for $25-35,000)
1948 1st courses begin at University of Ibadan, Nigeria
1948 Ted Mack's "Original Amateur Hour" begins, DuMont (later
NBC/ABC/CBS)
1949 "They Stand Accused" courtroom drama premieres on CBS (later
DuMont)
1949 1st US Congressional standing committee headed by Negro (W Dawson)
1949 South African Reverend Andries P Treurnicht marries Engela Dreyer
1950 Christopher Fry's "Venus Observed" premieres in London
1950 Indians pitcher Bob Feller, after 15-14 season, takes $20,000 salary cut
to $45,000, pay cut is Feller's own suggestion
1951 NFL rules tackles, guards & centers ineligible for forward pass
1951 NFL takes control of the failing Baltimore Colts
1951 1st use of lie detector in Netherlands
1951 Hermann Flake sentenced to death due to "hate campaign against German
Democratic Republic"
1953 Louise Suggs wins LPGA Tampa Golf Open
1954 Fanfani forms Italian government
1956 German Democratic Republic forms own army (National People's Army)
1957 3 B-52's set record for around-the-world flight, 45 hours 19 minutes
1958 1st black in the NHL (William O'Ree, Boston Bruins)
1959 Ruth Jessen wins LPGA Tampa Golf Open
1960 US & Japan sign joint defense treaty
1961 Zanzibar's Afro-Shirazi party wins 1 seat by a single vote &
parliament by a single seat
1962 Southern University closed due to demonstrations
1962 US begins spraying foliage in Vietnam to reveal Viet Cong guerrillas
1962 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1963 Reinier Paping wins Dutch 11-Cities Skating Race (10 59)
1964 Beatles 1st appearance in Billboard Chart (I Want to Hold Your Hand-#35)
1964 Plans for the World Trade Center announced (New York City NY)
1965 H L de Vries appointed Dutch Governor of Suriname
1966 Robert C Weaver, confirmed as 1st black cabinet member (HUD)
1967 Yellowknife replaces Ottawa as capital of NW Territories, Canada
1967 20th NHL All-Star Game: Montral beats All-Stars 3-0 at Montral
1967 Albert DeSalvo (Boston Strangler) sentenced to life in prison
1967 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1968 "Happy Time" opens at Broadway Theater New York City NY for 286
performances
1968 Hester & Appolinar's musical "Your Own Thing" premieres in
New York City NY
1968 USSR performs nuclear test at Eastern Kazakstan/Semipalatinsk USSR
1969 Expanded 4 party Vietnam peace talks began in Paris
1969 Soyuz 5 returns to Earth
2005 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
[A Classic!]
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing
our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned
ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ
The Accident
by Sheila Moss
"Hello, Mom?"
I was at work and it was my daughter calling. I had to put another call
on
hold to answer.
"Hold on for a minute."
"Mom, I can't, it's an emergency!"
"Just a minute, I'll be right back."
The person on the other line just wanted a phone number, which I was trying to
give them.
"Mom! I had a wreck! I was hit by a semi!"
That got my attention, "Are you all right?" She was nearly
hysterical.
"Yes, I'm on the Interstate. The police are here!"
Good grief, don't you just love cell phones? There is nothing like getting
an eyewitness accident report when you are at the office and can't do
anything about it. "Are you hurt? Tell them to take you to the
hospital."
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/accident.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/accident.htm
ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ
"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge
that you'll grow out of it."
-Doris Day, American singer.
ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
SheMale Shell Game
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/shemaleshell.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/shemaleshell.shtml
">SheMale Shell
Game</a>
Gingerbread 69
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ginger69.shtml
">Gingerbread 69</a>
Gingerbread Blowjob
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gingerblow.shtml
">Gingerbread
Blowjob</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Morris gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking
guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
Morris starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake
the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he
can't climb over him, and so Morris is sitting there, looking at the huge guy,
trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave a nausea passes through the Morris. He can't hold it
in any longer and pukes all over the big man's chest.
About five minutes later the big gorilla wakes up, looks down,
and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says Morris, . . . "are you feeling better now?"
ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ
wasted webspace site of the day:
the name says it all
<a href=" http://www.geocities.com/habbage/">turn into a
cabbage</a>
http://www.geocities.com/habbage/
To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com
">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be
taken to LaGuardia airport. While stuck in the traffic jam,the
businessman
leaned forward and said to the cabbie, "How's your spirit of
adventure?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting tomorrow, but the thought of
flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there? The
meeting will last only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room,
meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow."
The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went.
They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally
into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie
waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the
hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms.
The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they
arrived, the meter read $4,632.85.
When they got back to the businessman's office in Manhattan, the man
told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you a certified
check. I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable tip for your
service".
"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."
"One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to drive me
home, please. I'm dead tired ."
"Where do you live ?"
"Brooklyn."
"No way mister !!! I'd have to drive back over the Brooklyn Bridge
empty...
without a passenger!"
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace
a light bulb?
The Answer is TEN:
1. One to deny that a lightbulbs needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the lightbulbs needs
to
be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the lightbulb.
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing
the lightbulbs or in favor of darkness.
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new
lightbulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on
a step ladder under the banner "Lightbulb Change
Accomplished".
7. One administration insider to resign, and write a book documenting in
detail how Bush was literally "in the dark".
8. One to viciously smear #7....and his wife.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has
had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along...3 way bulbs !
10. And finally.... One to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.
ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL".
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Gingerbread Doggystyle
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gingerdoggy.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gingerdoggy.shtml
">Gingerbread
Doggystyle</a>
Snowman Poker
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/snowpoker.shtml
">Snowman Poker</a>
Lap Pillow
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lappillow.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lappillow.shtml ">Lap
Pillow</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Two guys were arguing about the correct orientation of
Japanese women's sex organs. One said that Japanese women
have theirs going from side to side, while the other said
it goes vertical just like everybody else.
The argument went on like this for hours until they decided
to settle it once and for all by going to another friend who
had a Japanese wife. Surely, he should know! After being told
the subject of the argument, the friend quickly said, "Vertical,
just like everybody else, and I'll prove it!"
Although suspecting that the duo would just feast their eyes
on his wife's pussy, he called his wife anyway, and she appeared
from the second-floor bedroom.
"Honey, take off your panties and slide down the banister"
Like a good, obedient wife, she obliged and mounted the banister.
On the way down, there was a long screeeeeech, and she landed on
the floor.
"See? Didn't I tell you guys that it's vertical just like
everybody else?"
The two scratched their heads in wonder. What did that prove?
"If it were horizontal, the sound would have been blub, blub,
blub, blub..."
ӿ----------------------USELESS FACTS---------------------------ӿ
**NEW FEATURE**
Throw this useless fact into conversation and show how smart
you are ... or use it to win yourself a beer.
Cats have two sets of blinking eyelids
ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange
Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus
Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ
Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
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ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ
The sculptor and one of his students went out for coffee after
class. "You have the most delicate, slender hands," said the
student, a rather gorgeous young thing. "Forgive me for saying
it, but they belong on a woman." Not only did he forgive her,
he obliged.
ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ
Congratulations Card From Your Ex Wife
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/excongrats.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/excongrats.shtml
">Congratulations
Card From Your Ex Wife</a>
She Got The Divorce Settlement She Was After
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl34.shtml ">She Got
The Divorce
Settlement She Was After</a>
Bitch Coupon
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bcoupon.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bcoupon.shtml ">Bitch
Coupon</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there."
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
This man is at work one day when he notices that his male
co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-
worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious
about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.
"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"
ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ
Trust Me Honey and Wear My Lucky Hat
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/trustmehat.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/trustmehat.shtml
">Trust Me Honey and
Wear My Lucky Hat</a>
The Spin Cycle Is Her Social Life
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/spincycle.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/spincycle.shtml ">The
Spin Cycle Is
Her Social Life</a>
How Did That Smurf Turn The Pepsi Blue
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/smurfpee.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/smurfpee.shtml ">How
Did That Smurf
Turn The Pepsi Blue</a>
ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ
A Romanian family who believed they buried their daughter two
years ago were shocked when she came home to vote. The family
from Pildesti, Neamt county, addressed local police when their
22-year-old daughter didn't return home in July 2003. After a
few days of investigation police found a dead body on a river
bank and identified her as the missing girl. Even her father,
brother and some neighbours confirmed it was her and they had
nothing else to do than take care of her funeral.
One of the relatives told Ziarul daily: "The deceased girl
looked very much the same like the missing one: same height,
same brown hair, even the haircut was the same and she wore
similar clothes. We thought we buried our relative". But after
almost two years from the funeral the dead girl came back home
by taxi. She told her family she went to visit a friend in a remote
town and found a job there. She said she decided to return because
she wanted to cast her vote in a poll regarding the revision of
the Constitution. Because she is officially dead the now 24-year-
old girl has to wait for a court decision which will confirm she is
alive while police are trying to find the real identity of the dead
woman.
Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar
for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a
social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge
etc.
This one night she didnt want him to be around embarrassing her, so she
told him to stay out as late as he wished, just dont come in and make
another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea
and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early
return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him.
"Oh, relax,"says he, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good
evening to
the ladies, and I'll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says she again.
Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were
gone, and he sat there alone. She 'flipped' and told him she was going to
divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,"wait a minute, you
have to hear my side of the story."
"I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they
carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house,
and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all
I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?
"
ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ
[||||] F R E S H P R I N
C E [||||]
"Prince Harry attended a friend's birthday costume party wearing a Nazi
uniform ... "
[] The party's theme was "Dreams of World Domination'"
and guests were
asked to come dressed as some power-crazed madman like Stalin,
Mussolini, Mao, Nero, Bush, Hirohito, Napoleon ...
Copyright 2005 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ
Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car...
Another experienced hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can
tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction.
Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try.
A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right.
This is a lot easier!"
Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from
the truck!"
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ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ
A young man walked into a Chevron station in Poulsbo, Washington
at 2:15 in the morning on December 25. According to Poulsboro
police, the man brandished a butterfly knife and threatened to
kill the employees if they didn't give him money. Despite the
threat, one of the employees dialed 911. "He got mad and knocked
all the stuff off the counter and left," Poulsbo Police Sgt. Bill
Playter said of the would-be robber, noting that he fled the scene
in a red 1999 Honda Accord, along with his get-away driver.
About an hour and a half later, Chevron employees again dialed 911
as the red Honda once again pulled into the parking lot. the
suspects had returned this time to ask directions out of
town. "I guess they got lost," Poulsbo Police Sgt. Bill Playter
surmised. "They're not the brightest bulbs in the closet."
The two once again left the scene and were apprehended by sheriff's
deputies and Poulsbo police officer Daniel LaFrance. The suspects not
only admitted to the attempted robbery but a burglary they committed
at Blockbuster Video earlier that night. A search of the car yielded
the knife and more than 30 video games. The two suspects were arrested
on charges of second degree burglary and first degree robbery. Bail
has been set at $250,000 each.
ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
What do you call two homosexuals named Bob?
Oral Roberts
ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
You Know, It's Just. . . "It"
Erik is out of the office this week, hiding from the new season of
American Idol. To commemorate this event, we are reprinting a column
from 2003 commemorating these purveyors of pop, these connoisseurs of
crap, these sultans of snot. . . sorry, we've been reading Tom Wolfe
again.
RYAN: Welcome back to another episode of American Idol, where lots of
pop superstar wannabes show their stuff to our panel of judges, Paula
Abdul, Randy Jackson, and Simon "Scowl" Cowell. Let's go inside the
judges' room and see if we can find America's next American Idol.
PAULA: Hi, I'm Paula, and I'm speechless. Let's see, your name is, uhh,
Lucy-Anno?
LUCIANO: It's Luciano. And I'm going to sing the aria from
"Rigoletto."
(Luciano sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Wow, I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. I'm just stunned
into complete silence. I mean I just can't think of anything to say.
RANDY: That wasn't bad. But I have to say, Lucy, you just don't have the
. . . physique we're looking for in a pop star.
SIMON: Actually, aside from you being very fat, that was probably the
worst thing I've ever heard.
LUCIANO: What?! I've been an opera singer for nearly 60 years.
SIMON: No, you've been deluding yourself for 60 years; you just don't
have "It."
LUCIANO: "It?" What is "It?!" I'm Luciano freakin'
Pavarotti. Maybe
you've heard of me? I've sung all over the world for millions of people.
I've given performances to kings, queens, and presidents.
RANDY: I'm sure you think so, but it's not happening here.
SIMON: Yes, you're the worst singer in the world. Get out.
PAULA: Thank you for coming. I'm speechless.
LUCIANO: Yeah, whatever.
RANDY: Let's see, next we have Bruce.
BRUCE: Hi, how ya' doin'? I'll be doing "Born to Run."
(Bruce sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm speechless. Mere words cannot
describe what I'm feeling right now, so I'm just speechless. I don't
even know how to begin to enunciate the emotions that I--
RANDY: You're a little old to be a pop singer, Bruce. And you just don't
have "It." Sorry, man.
BRUCE: What do you mean, I don't have "It?" I've been a rock singer
for
30 years!
SIMON: Then you should hire a lawyer and sue your music teacher. That
was probably the worst thing I've ever heard. Your voice is too gritty
and rough to make it in the music business.
BRUCE: Are you kidding me? I'm Bruce Springsteen. You know, "The
Boss?"
I've made 20 albums in 30 years, and I have my own band.
RANDY: Look, making some demo tapes on a $20 tape recorder does not
constitute "an album." And just because you have your own band
doesn't
make you a singer. I've never heard of you.
SIMON: You're the worst singer in the entire world. Please go now.
PAULA: I've never heard of you either. Oh, and I'm speechless.
BRUCE: Bunch of know-nothing jerks.
PAULA: Okay, next we have . . . is it Oh Zee?
OZZY: Ozzy. Ozzy Osbourne
RANDY: What are you going to sing for us, Oh Zee?
OZZY: Uh gunh sin "Crazy Train."
(Ozzy sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Speechless. I'm just speechless. Like the great French mime,
Marcel Marceau, I simply do not have anything to say.
SIMON: That was absolutely, without a doubt, the worst thing I've ever
heard. Oh, and you're the worst singer in the world.
RANDY: I don't know who you're supposed to be with all these tattoos and
the long hair, but you're definitely not going to make it in the music
business.
OZZY: What'rr ya talkin' 'bout. Ah'm a bluddy supestarrr.
RANDY: What? I can't understand a word you're saying. Look, you just
don't have "It."
OZZY: "It?" Wha da "BLEEP" iz "It?"
SIMON: "It" is something you don't have. And you're the worst at not
having "It."
OZZY: Luk, Ah'm Ozzy Osbourne. Ya kno, da Prinz uv BLEEP-ing Darknuss.
Da Osbournes? Frum da telly. Wit Sharon and dose tu brats. I wuz in
Black Sabbath.
PAULA: What's Black Sabbath? I don't think I've heard of that. Is that a
bug spray?
SIMON: Listen, you're the worst singer in the -- oh, I already said
that. Now get out.
OZZY: Buncha mineluss slogs wun't kno moozik frum a fert.
PAULA: Buh-bye. I'm speechless!
SIMON: I wish you were speechless. You're the worst judge in the world.
You just don't have "It."
PAULA: Yeah, well you're a pompous BLEEP!
RANDY: By the way, what is "It" anyway?
RYAN: Well, that's all we have time for on this week's American Idol. Be
sure to join us next week when we search for the next. . . American
Idol.
PAULA: I'm still speechless!
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.