ӿ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ
                                  presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

                -- FIFTH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION -- 

Well folks I am back!  ;)  Good news for some and bad news for others...
but such is life!  If you are seeing this ezine for the first time (and a whole
pile of you are) then sit back and relax and lets have a few laughs.  First
though some housekeeping ... congrats to the USA Junior Hockey Team
on beating Canada in the gold medal final game.  Maybe "letting" the USA
win that game will help us to clean up this whole Mad Cow thing?  ;)

Princess Anne's dog is heading for therapy after killing one of the Queen's
prize Corgi's and attacking a maid ... oh yeah therapy for animals ... its
usually called "putting them to sleep!"  And speaking of the Royals ... wow...
Chuckie was in on killing Diana?    Well at least according to allegations made
in the press yesterday.  He could have done it himself just by flapping her to
death with his ears!

Anyway ... lets get going ... this issue marks the start of the fifth year of
publishing for my ezines and coming soon ... a fantastic contest where my subs
have a chance to win prizes valued in excess of $3000.00 ... I am still working
on the final details of the contest ... but trust me it will be fun and someone is
going to win big.  There are a bunch of smaller prizes too...signed copies of
books, gift certificates etc ... so watch for the fun.

Happy New Year, Merry Christmas to all of those on the Julian Calendar  and
let the fun begin.

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Stan, Bill, Carole, Irish Warlock,
Posen, GBH.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

ӿ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ
Lets start with a quickie:

How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?

She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.

ӿ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ
Today's issue is brought to you by:

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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a
restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine
arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it.

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.

* The Russian drank the wine, fly and all.

* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine.

* The jew caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.

* The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have
  new wine.

* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod.

* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine, which he
  then donated to the Englishman.

* The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65 million
  dollar compensation for mental suffering.

* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared: 'Now spit
  out all that you swallowed!!'

ӿ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ

**New** Have YOUR birthday listed...Join the Birthday
Club by visiting:
<a href=" http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/ ">Birthday Club</a>
http://www.purehumour.com/birthday/

Oh Boy...lets play catch up on all the missed Birthdays:

Dec 20th - Charlie
Dec 22nd - Henry & Aimee
Dec 25th - Debbie
Dec 27th - Martha
Dec 28th - Donna
Dec 29th - Sonya
Dec 30th - Theresa & Holly
Jan 1st - Tim
Jan 2nd - Lou
Jan 4th - Adrian

Wow ... a whole pile of holiday birthdays ... hope they were great ones.

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1940 William Elgin Swinton child psychiatrist
1941 Ann Susan Hills freelance journalist
1941 Frederick Drew Gregory Washington DC, Colonel USAF/astronaut (STS 51-B, 33, 44)
1941 Robert Hicks rocker (Paul Butterfield Blues Band)
1942 Paul Revere Boise ID, keyboardist (Paul Revere & Raiders-Fallin in Love, Good Thing)
1942 Vasili Alexeyev USSR, weightlifter (Olympics-gold-72, 76)
1943 Jim Lefebvre Hawthorne CA, baseball manager (Seattle Mariners)
1943 Leona Williams singer/songwriter (Ladies Get the Blues)
1943 Nicholas Warner test Pilot
1944 Mike McGear Liverpool, singer (Paul McCartney's brother)
1944 Ad [GB] Nijhuis Dutch MP (VVD)
1945 Tony Conigliaro Massachusetts, baseball outfielder (Boston Red Sox)
1946 Andy Brown rock drummer (Fortunes Birmingham)
1946 Jann S Wenner publisher (Rolling Stone)
1947 David Porcelijn Dutch composer/conductor
1948 Kaz Lux Poland/Netherlands, singer
1948 Kenny Loggins Everett WA, singer (Loggins & Messina-This is it, Footloose)
1949 John Christopher Parry rocker (Cure)
1949 Marshall Chapman Spartanburg SC, country singer
1950 Erin Gray Honolulu HI, actress (Silver Spoons, Buck Rogers)
1951 Talgat Amangeldyyevich Musabayev Russian Major/cosmonaut (TM-19, TM-27)
1952 Giuliano Ferrara
1953 Agha Zahid cricketer (open batting for Pakistan vs West Indies 1975, scored 14 & 1)
1953 Earl Wilber Force "Wire" Lindo rocker (Bob Marley & the Wailers)
1954 Alan Butcher cricketer (one Test England vs India, scored 14 & 20)
1955 Sandra Bernhard Arizona, (Follow That Bird, King of Comedy)
1956 Robin Walton Boise ID, LPGA golfer (1995 GHP Heartland Classic-15th)
1956 Rosalyn Bryant Chicago IL, 4x400m runner (Olympics-silver-1976)
1956 Trudie Styler England, wife of Sting/sponsor (Rainforest Concert)
1957 Kristen Meadows actress (Santa Barbara)
1957 Katie Couric [Katherine], Arlington VA, TV news host (Today)
1958 Donna Rice New Orleans La, model/Gary Hart's alleged lover
1958 Peter R Mokaba president (South African Youth Congress)
1959 Kathy Valentine rocker (Go-Go's-We Got the Beat)
1960 Tierre Turner Detroit MI, actor (Waverly Wonders, Cop & the Kid)
1960 David Marciano Newark NJ, actor (Detective Ray Vecchio-Due South)
1962 Hallie Todd actress (Check is in the Mail)
1962 Jeff Montgomery Wellston OH, pitcher (Kansas City Royals)
1963 Craig Shipley Australian/US baseball infielder (San Diego Padres)
1964 Nicolas Cage actor (Moonstruck, Racing with the Moon)
1964 Francisco Maciel Mexico, tennis star
1965 Mark Rushmere cricketer (South Africa opening bat in comeback Test 1992)
1966 Carolyn Bessette Kennedy model/wife of John Kennedy Jr
1966 Jennifer Luff Australian rower (Olympics-96)
1966 Randy Burridge Fort Erie, NHL left wing (Buffalo Sabres)
1967 Guy Hebert Troy, NHL goalie (Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Team USA 98)
1967 Scott Galbraith NFL tight end (Washington Redskins, Dallas Cowboys)
1968 Michael Rosati hockey goaltender (Team Italy 1998)
1968 Nathaniel Bolton WLAF running back (Frankfurt Galaxy)
1969 Chris Hatcher US baseball outfielder (Houston Astros)
1969 Doug E Doug actor (Cosby)
1969 Erric Pegram NFL running back (Pit Steelers, New York Giants, San Diego Chargers)
1969 Todd Kinchen NFL wide receiver (St Louis Rams, Atlanta Falcons)
1970 Darryl Williams NFL safety (Seattle Seahawks, Cincinnati Bengals)
1970 Frank "Cliff" Mannon Amarillo TX, team handball (Olympics-1996)
1970 Paul McCallum CFL/WLAF kicker/punter (Claymores, Sask Roughriders)
1970 Todd Day NBA guard/forward (Boston Celtics)
1971 Bobby Hamilton NFL/WLAF defensive end (Amsterdam Admirals, New York Jets)
1971 Masato Itai WLAF wide receiver (Amsterdam Admirals)
1971 Todd Yeaman NFL defensive tackle (New York Giants)
1972 Aaron John Mcintosh Auckland New Zealand, sailboard yachter (Olympics-96)
1972 Chuck Levy kick returner/running back (San Francisco 49ers)
1972 Donald Brashear Bedford, NHL left wing (Montral Canadiens)
1973 Bobby Engram wide receiver (Chicago Bears)
1973 Brian Milne fullback (Cincinnati Bengals)
1973 Ricky Wood Van Nuys CA, diver (Olympics-96)
1973 Robert Dunn Glenn Cove NY, team handball left wing (Olympics-1996)
1974 Jennifer LeRoy Craig CO, playmate (Feb, 1993)
1975 Robert Norman Waddell Cambridge New Zealand, Single scull rower (Olympics-96)
1977 Dustin Diamond San Jose CA, actor (Screech-Saved By Bell)
1996 Abbey Speakman England, born 19 days after her twin sister

.....and on this day in history:

1950 Hank Snow's 1st appearance on "Grand Ole Opry"
1952 French Plevin government falls
1953 President Truman announces development of the hydrogen bomb
1955 Marian Anderson becomes 1st black singer to perform at the Met (New York City NY)
1955 WCIQ TV channel 7 in Mt Cheaha AL (PBS) begins broadcasting
1956 Vinoo Mankad scores 231 vs New Zealand, 413 opening stand with Roy
1958 USSR shrinks army to 300,000
1959 US recognizes Fidel Castro's Cuban government
1961 1st NFL Playoff Bowl (runner-up bowl)-Detroit beats Cleveland 17-16
1961 Trucial States (now UAE) issue their 1st postage stamps
1962 AFL Pro Bowl West beats East 47-27
1962 Assassination attempt on Indonesian president Sukarno, fails
1962 Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to John Hall Wheelock
1963 1st class postage raised from 4 to 5
1964 Bahamas achieves internal self-government & cabinet responsibility
1964 Dick Weber rolls highest bowling game in the air (Boeing 707)
1965 France announces it will convert $150 million of its currency to gold
1966 Dance Theatre of Harlem debuts
1966 Gene Kiniski beats Lou Thesz in St Louis MO, to become NWA champ
1967 "Newlywed Game" premieres on ABC TV
1968 1st class postage raised from 5 to 6
1968 Surveyor 7 lands on the Moon
1968 "GE College Bowl" quiz show premieres on NBC TV
1969 US Congress doubles presidential salary

2004 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

I happened to see my elderly neighbor, a great grandmother with a large
family, at our local bakery this morning and commented to her on the number of
visiting relatives she was having this holiday season.

She said that this year was a bit different than in the past, as the
family off-spring had become a bit negligent in acknowledging or thanking
her for her generous Xmas checks with thank you notes. She continued,
"But this year, all the children have visited, in person, to thank me,"

I commented,. "That's wonderful, what do you think was the change from
the last few years ?"

"Oh, that's easy," she replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

ӿ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ

101 Things to Do With a Dead Christmas Tree
by Sheila Moss

Here it is the week after Christmas, and there it is in the middle of the living room, the once alive Christmas tree drawing its last breath. Now some people may just want to leave it there for a conversation piece until next Christmas. I've tried it myself. But most of us sooner or later figure we have to do something else with that tree.

On television they suggested that you bring your tree to the local park and let it be chopped up into mulch. That seems environmentally sound and a good enough suggestion for the creatively challenged. But, if there are 101 things to do with a dead cat, surely there must be at least that many things to do with a dead Christmas tree.

Naturally, I now have to list them:

Well, we might use it for a coat tree, or hat rack since its already in the living room and handy. If you live in the South, you can put it on the front porch with the old couch and washing machine, or chop it up for firewood.

More?

<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/101things.htm ">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/101things.htm

ӿ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ

What lasts in the reader's mind is not the phrase but the effect the phrase
created: laughter, tears, pain, joy. If the phrase is not affecting the
reader, what's it doing there? Make it do its job or cut it without mercy or
remorse.
-Isaac Asimov

ӿ-----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿ

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Kobe Needs A Favor
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/kboj.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/kboj.shtml ">Kobe Needs A Favor</a>

The Three Stages of Dating
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stages.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stages.shtml ">The Three Stages of
Dating</a>

Amazing
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/amazing.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/amazing.shtml ">Amazing</a>

Just In Case Your Date Is Deaf
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blow1.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blow1.shtml ">Just In Case Your Date
Is Deaf</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

 A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kinds of boobs?"

 Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds
 of boobs, depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and
 firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
 onions." 

 "Onions, Dad?"

 "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

 Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

 The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.
 In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a
 birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it's like a Christmas tree."

 "A Christmas tree?"

 "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration.."

ӿ---------------------WASTED WEBSPACE------------------ӿ

wasted webspace site of the day:

fantasy messages

<a href=" http://www.tonyaharding.com/messages/MESSAGES.CFM?PAGE=1 ">tanya harding website</a>
http://www.tonyaharding.com/messages/MESSAGES.CFM?PAGE=1

To see more wasted webspace visit:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wasted webspace</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

You may have seen the results of a  recent study posted on the web that
claimed that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra.
While unfastening a woman's stabilizing device, men have received
strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.

Well I can attest to it being possibly correct. I was injured today
while trying to undo a woman's bra in front of me in the checkout line,
when she suddenly turned around and hit me with a can of beans.

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

>From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new
and fun creation...get him for FREE at:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Idiots!

IN SERVICE
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair
department. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.

When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant
gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I
replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our
phones weren't working.

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She
informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to
compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the
one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, fortunately
they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by
cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT RESPONSE
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not
turn on.

ӿ-----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿ

[Deep Thoughts has replaced "From The Bathroom Wall"]

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

 ӿ-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ

Auld Lang Syne is an old song from what country?

A. Scotland
B. Ireland
C. France
D. Germany

<Answers in Next Issue!>

04/01

Copyright 2004 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: trivia-subscribe@quizqueen.net.

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Proof That Marriage Exists In The Animal Kingdom
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lions.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lions.shtml ">Proof That Marriage
Exists In The Animal Kingdom</a>

A Special Rocking Chair For The Ladies
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rocker.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rocker.shtml ">A Special Rocking
Chair For The Ladies</a>

Useful Condom
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/useful.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/useful.shtml ">Useful Condom</a>

Blow It Out Your Ass Honey
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blowitout.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blowitout.shtml ">Blow It Out Your
Ass Honey</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A Rabbi, who was late for a golf game, was rather curt with
several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.

The next day, his secretary said, "Rabbi, several members of the
congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short
yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the
reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg," she answered. "He wanted to speak
to you about a circumcision for his son."

ӿ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Strange Breed</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Gus Cooks</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html

ӿ------------------------------CONTEST-----------------------ӿ

                The Pooh-Bah's FIFTH ANNIVERARY Contest

In celebration of the Grand Pooh-Bah's FIFTH Anniversary...you are
invited to enter the Anniversary Contest!  Prizes total in excess
of $3000.00!  Its easy to enter...each issue a link will be published
and a question asked about content somewhere in that link. 

This contest starts soon ... stay tuned!

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Do you love this ezine? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

ӿ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ

A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from   a shopping spree, was
walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled  The woman snaps at
him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!" The hillbilly replies,
"And I kin see you ain't one, neither!"

ӿ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ

Funny Photocopying Advertisement
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fotocopy.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/fotocopy.shtml ">Funny Photocopying
Advertisement</a>

Rodney Carringtons Little Things That Piss Me Off (audio)
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pmeoff.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pmeoff.shtml ">Rodney Carringtons
Little Things That Piss Me Off</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

The Moroccan Sultan commanded his faithful servant: "Get me wife
number one!" The servant raced across the palace grounds to the
harem and came back with the desired wife.

An hour later the Sultan summoned the servant again: "Get me wife
number two!" he ordered. Again the servant dashed across the
spacious grounds of the palace and reported back with the Sultan's
second wife.

Only an hour later, the Sultan called again for his fleet-footed
servant: "Fetch me wife number three!" As the obedient servant
raced out of the royal chambers he dropped dead from physical
exhaustion.

MORAL: It's not the loving that kills you.
It's the running around!

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

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<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Win Toilet Paper</a>
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ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he
would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would
see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him,
and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back
on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he
saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good deed, so
he pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the
priest.

"No problem, father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck
driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver spotted
a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit
him.

But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him,
so at the last minute he swerved back onto the road, narrowly
missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain that he
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD."

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors, and, when he didn't see anything, he turned to the
priest and said, "I'm sorry, father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

ӿ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ

Thats Some Soda
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/soda.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/soda.shtml ">Thats Some Soda</a>

New Use For AOL CDs
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/aolcd.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/aolcd.shtml ">New Use For AOL CDs</a>

I Truly Worry About Some Of These Nascar Fans
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nascarfan.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nascarfan.shtml ">I Truly Worry About
Some Of These Nascar Fans</a>

My Ex Said I Criticized Everything
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whtlw64.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whtlw64.shtml ">My Ex Said I
Criticized Everything</a>

ӿ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ

An Ohio robber disguised himself as a chicken before
raiding a grocery store. The man wore a chicken suit,
complete with mask and bright orange feet during the
robbery in Columbus. He laid a gun on the counter and
ordered the staff to give him cash.

The man's unusual disguise was captured on the store's
surveillance camera. Columbus police Sgt Shaun Laird said:
"It's pretty extraordinary. We've never had something like
this. We've had guys wear fake moustaches now and again,
but nothing like this."

Weird News is a daily feature of this ezine...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:pbnews@purehumour.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>

ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

Every night after dinner, Ray took off for the local watering hole. He
would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated,
around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit
the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened,
his girlfriend Barbara would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would
proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home
in a drunken state. But, Ray still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught Barbara was talking to a friend about her Ray's
behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little
differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him
some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his
ways."

Barbara thought this might be a good idea. That night, Ray took off again
after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
Barbara heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let the drunk in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and
led him into the living room. She sat Ray down in an easy chair, put his feet up
on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and
started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Ray, "It's
pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Ray replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get
in trouble when I get home anyway!"

ӿ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ

[||||]        A V I A N    S U P R E M A C Y       [||||]

"Bush's comments to reporters at the end of a holiday trip ... where he
shot five quail while hunting with his father ... 'What  we're doing in
Iran is we're showing the Iranian people the American people care, that
we've got great compassion for suffering'."        (NYT/1/2)

All the while with quail blood dripping on his newly shined jackboots.

Copyright 2004 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ

[A Classic!]

A woman was drinking with Ray one night took him home with her since
he was in no condition to drive.  When they got to her apartment, she
suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing
quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll
put my head between your legs"

Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her
legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.  "What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said. On the second attempt the
very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting
dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied "If you think I'm
sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!

ӿ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ

Free Panties or Free Manties:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html ">Free Panites</a>

ӿ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ

When robbing a bank, it may not be the smartest move to write the
holdup note on a personal check. That's what led them to arrest two
people in Salt Lake City, police said.  Witnesses told police a man
and a woman walked into a bank and handed a teller a note saying
they had a gun and wanted money. The note was scrawled on the back
of a personal check. The robbers left the bank with $1,300.

Witnesses wrote down the license plate number of the getaway car. Police
said the name on the registration matched the name on the personal check
used for the holdup note.  After they were arrested, the suspects
allegedly told police they wanted the money to pay a drug debt and buy
clothes and cell phones.

ӿ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ

Whats the diffrence in a ass kisser and a brown noser?

Depth perception

ӿ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

How About "antidisestablishmentarianism?"

Having a good command of language is important if you want to be a
writer. Painters use paint, musicians use music, woodworkers use wood,
writers use. . .well, words, but you get the idea. Words and language
are essential tools for a writer's craft. So knowing how to have words
good is important to be a gooder writer for making stories and stuff.

I was interested in the 2004 list of banished words from Lake Superior
State University in Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan. Every January 1st, since
1976, they have published the "List of Words Banished from the Queen's
English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness" to help generate
publicity about the university.

LSSU (official motto: "Hey, we're over here!") accepts nominations from
around the world for words and phrases that are improperly used,
overused or just plain annoying. And this year was a banner year.

The 2004 Lake Superior linguists' list included such words as
"metrosexual," which refers to an urban male who spends a lot of time
focusing on his appearance and fashion. When I was in college, they were
called "panty-waisted nancy boys," but that was too hard to yell after a
few beers.

The list, thankfully, also included "bling-bling" which, according to
LSSU's website was ". . . once street slang for items of luxury." It is
now so overused that "(everyone) has incorporated it into their
vocabularies."

Well, maybe not everyone. Since I'm as unhip as one can possibly get
without wearing shorts, dark socks, and sandals to a John Tesh concert,
I never knew what "bling-bling" was until last Spring. Now I hear it all
over the place. According to list contributor Todd Facklas, ". . . your
mom might say it. Nothing could kill the mystique of a word faster."

Personally, I think it's stupid-stupid.

Thanks to the war in Iraq, "shock and awe," "captured alive," and
"smoking gun" also made the list. "Shock and awe" is Washington-speak
for "peed their pants with fear and/or surprise." "Captured alive" means
"we didn't capture him dead." And formerly a staple of murder mysteries,
"smoking gun" is now the term politicians use to mean "evidence" to try
and look cool.

Apparently the Washington elite aren't happy enough controlling the fate
of the nation. Now they also have dreams of being a detective from a
Raymond Chandler novel. So they decided they were tired of the "stooge"
with the "moxie" and went searching for the "smoking gun." But they were
"shocked and awed" when the "pigeon" was "captured alive" in an
underground "flophouse," after he "cheesed it" to an unknown hideout for
several months.

Happily, "companion animals" finally made the list. This was a word
created several years ago by PC animal rights activists who didn't like
the idea that people "owned" animals. Did they think that by calling
them "companion animals," the animals would have a higher sense of
self-esteem?

Forget it. My dogs are my pets; I own them. I paid for them. I feed
them. I clean their "shock and awe" off the floor. They eat bugs and
lick themselves. They don't care what I call them.

Other banned words included "shots rang out" (shots don't ring, they "go
bang"), "sweat like a pig" (pigs don't have sweat glands), sanitary
landfill (they're not), and "hand-crafted latte."

"To apply 'hand-crafted to the routine tasks of the modern-day
equivalents of soda jerks cheapens the whole concept of handicraft,"
said contributor Orin Hargraves.

The 2003 list included the oft-used "weapons of mass destruction."
Unfortunately, I don't think the media read that list, because they
continue to beat it into the ground. It's been so overused that
variations of it have met with little or no success.

Weapons of mass construction,weapons of mass distraction, weapons of
dysfunction -- if you can end it with "-ction," you can put "weapons of
mass" in front of anything and turn it into a punchline. I just hope the
makers of Viagra don't stumble onto this little marketing gem.

LSSU will soon begin accepting nominations for their 2005 list at their
website (lssu.edu/banished), and will release the new list on January 1,
2005.

I'm already working on my own nominations for next year. My first choice
is anything with "izzle" in it, as in. . . well, I've thought this was
stupid enough to never learn how to use it correctly. But I've seen Fran
Drescher use it in those "Old Navy" commercials, so I'm sure it's on its
way out.

I just hope my nomination wins a prize so I can get a little
"bling-bling" before my "brizzle" gets in a "frizzle."

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2004

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.