------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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This morning I was trying to decide how to open today's issue...talk
about the cold weather (about -40F) or the awesome movie that I saw...
and I have chosen the movie...
Went to see The Lord Of The Rings and had 3 hours of pleasure...saw
some great scenery of New Zealand, great action sequences, awesome
special effects, and a really great story...the only problem that I had
with it is that it ended quite abruptly and really left you hanging and
waiting for part II (next Christmas!) I had never read any of the books
so I went into the movie blind...but after the 5 minute history of the
Ring...I was well into the story. Elijah Wood and Ian Mclellan play
awesome parts. It is most certainly a "big screen" movie...I
think it
will lose a lot of its appeal on video...so if you have any thoughts of
seeing it...go for it! A word of caution though...the violence caught
me completely by surprise...this is NOT a movie for young kids...it
has some really intense scenes...so if your kids are sensitive to
things like that...don't take them...get a babysitter and see it your-
selves!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Patricia, Jack, Stan, Rubin,
Ishy, Barb, Pat, SunAmy, Barbara.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Why is chocolate better than women?
You don't have to take chocolate out to dinner before
you eat it!
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
What's she been doing??
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">What's she
been doing??</a>
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to the
New York
City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue
of Liberty and I was "fascinated". The teacher said, "well, that
was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally
decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,'
so she called on him. Little Johnny said, " My sister has a sweater
with ten buttons, but her tits are so fucking big, she can only
fasten eight."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A patient was waiting nervously in the
examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?"
asked the important doctor.
"My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a
waste of time. Tell me, what sort of
useless advice did Cohen give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several
thousand
things that won't work. "
-Edison
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Heart treatment...
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">Heart
treatment...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Tony goes to visit his cardiologist in follow up
after his life threatening heart attack.
The doctor explains to Tony that he would be able to
resume his active sex life as soon as he could climb three
flights of stairs without becoming winded.
Tony listens attentively and then says, "But what if I
look for the women who live on the ground floor?"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Young Tarzan
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-13&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-13&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he
felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?"
he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to
$2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just
stick this button in your ear and run this little string
down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But
when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
In the admitting office of our hospital,
some patients were filling out forms,
others were being interviewed and still
others were being escorted to their rooms.
An elderly woman hesitantly entered my
cubicle. She had completed her admitting
forms and, upon my request, handed me her
insurance cards. I typed the necessary
information and then asked her the reason
for her coming to the hospital.
"Just to visit a friend," she said, "but
this has taken so long, I'm not sure I
have time now."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
There's a new product out for men who want to satisfy their woman in the
great outdoors, but don't want to get chewed up by mosquitos.
It's a combination of Viagra & insect repellent.It's called
"Fuck-Off"!!!
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
This is in response to the Air Force verses college, he can join ROTC and
have his college paid for. He will spend his summers playing soldier, but
when he goes on active duty he will be a commissioned officer.
]~[
Dear Too Stupid To Sign Your Name!
This is true. Then he can sit in an air-conditioned bunker 10 000 miles away,
and
personally direct destruction. Marine= DAMN! were out of bullets!
Army=DAMN, this food ain't hot! Navy=Hey, the damn air conditioning went out!
AIRFORCE=SHIT! The cable TV is out !!!!
Let the boy make up his own mind. If he can keep his pecker in his pants ('cept
for the occasional whore) he'll do fine. Don't you know that at that age, you
have
2 groups of women, ones you might want to get serious with, and the dorm
birthday
cake girl...everyone gets a piece?????
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Fantasies...
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">Fantasies...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told
when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me,
and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was
asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees
and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final
arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack..."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Have you heard of the new coffee drink that's sweeping the country?
It's called the Osama bin Latte.
You take a half cup of strong, black coffee
Add 2 double shots of bourbon
Mix in three squares of ex-lax
After consuming it, you will be bombed and run like hell.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Bin Laden Toon
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-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
"Haven't you noticed anything different in the last couple
of days?" Sam continued, "Where are all the bugs? How about
the rats? They're gone! Look around you!"
The dogs were perplexed. They knew Sam was right but why
were all the bugs and rats gone?
Sam continued, "They have gone into hiding. Whatever is
coming it is going to be big, we need to act now"!
"What do we do"? Asked Porky, a little Yorkshire terrier.
"We need to get underground." Sam replied.
[Continued next week....]
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
What did the dirty old tramp say to a bunch of
school girls?
"Hey girls, do you wanna go turkey shootin?"
"OK" came the reply.
"Good, you gobble I'll shoot."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl
from the next farm and offered her a ride.
Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.
Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed
him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?"
He said, "Yep, Get up Betsy.
"So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at
another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it
inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you
want to go a little farther?"
Again he said, "Yep get up Betsy.
" So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over
and opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before
him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it in for you?"
He replied, "Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it
hanging out."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Brrrr...
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">Brrrr...</a>
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
An American woman spent an entire transatlantic
flight stuck to the plane's toilet.
The woman became sealed to the seat for the seven
hour flight from Oslo to New York after flushing
the loo while still sitting down.
Her bottom was sucked into the bowl by the high-
pressure vacuum flushing mechanism. She was freed
on landing and has lodged a complaint.
Company officials say she alerted flight crew but
they were unable to free her until the Boeing 767
landed.
The woman is now filing a complaint to Scandinavian
Airlines System.
"She was stuck there for quite a long time," a company
spokesman told Ananova.
"She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the
toilet until the flight had landed so that ground
technicians could help her get loose.
"Of course we have apologised. She was pretty embarrassed."
The woman's complaint is highlighted in a review of the
strangest complaints registered with Norway's two main air
companies, Braathens and SAS, in 2001.
Others included the owner of a show-jumping rabbit called
Valdo who complained after his bunny had two teeth knocked
out in his cage in the hold on one flight, and a dog who
is claiming a ticket refund after arriving too late for
his flight.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman was at a friends wedding and the friend's father
asked her to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she
figured what the hell. So they were dancing and she asked,
"So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?"
He said, "I prefer Dick."
She said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with
anything?"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] P E E P H O L E P A R T Y -- Percale and pillow
case clad members of Tennessee's Church of the Knights of Yahweh Ku Klux
Klan pit held a rally in Newport whilst state trooper kept 400
protesting anti Klucksters at bay. (AP)
Cross burner tradition says that if they emerge from their den
and see their shadow, there will be six more months of white supremacy.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
This lady's little schnauzer dog has the world's
bushiest eyebrows, so he's constantly bumping into
fire plugs, trees, beer trucks, you name it. She
takes him into the vet to get the hair trimmed out
of his eyes so he can see where he's going.
The vet tells her that trimming a dog's eyebrows
isn't a job for a doctor of veterinary medicine; she
should do it herself--take the schnauzer to a dog
trimmer, or perhaps use hair remover to do a more
permanent job.
So, she goes into the drug store and asks the
pharmacist for some hair remover.
He says, "This is our best depilatory. Use it full
strength on legs and half strength on underarms."
She says, "But it's for my schnauzer."
"Then use it quarter-strength and don't ride a
bicycle for two weeks."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Running late...
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">Running
late...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"20 Reasons Why E-mail Is Better Than Sex"
1) E-mails last as long as you want them to.
2) You can e-mail a complete stranger without getting
arrested.
3) Big e-mails don't hurt; little ones can satisfy.
4) You can e-mail people in public without getting funny
looks.
5) You can e-mail somebody on the other side of the
world.
6) You can e-mail people of either or both genders
without being considered perverted.
7) You can turn a computer on without having to wear
clothes that might make you catch pneumonia.
8) If you e-mail somebody once then don't get in touch
again you won't feel too guilty about it.
9) People who e-mail a lot of different people in a short
time don't get called horrid names.
10) You can e-mail somebody who doesn't want
anything to do with you and they can't get you put in
prison for it.
11) Nobody makes any big thing of the first time you
e-mail somebody.
12) Using your fingers to e-mail isn't considered
vaguely disgusting.
13) You can talk loudly about e-mailing in front of your
auntie, and she won't be distressed.
14) You can e-mail close relatives, and nobody will
really bother about it.
15) E-mail can't get you pregnant.
16) Or give you nasty diseases.
17) You can e-mail somebody at any time of the month.
18) If you get a nasty e-mail you won't need counseling
afterwards.
19) After you've used a computer to e-mail, it won't
hassle you for coffee.
20) If somebody interrupts you while you're e-mailing,
you feel neither embarrassed nor frustrated.
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
"Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
This Week's Laughing Stalk
By Erik Deckers
Who Has Room for Dessert?
In previous columns, I have waxed rhapsodic about certain restaurants
and cooking styles I've encountered during my travels, and given my
readers the literary "neener neener neener" when I describe some of
the
places I've enjoyed over the years. But recently I ate at a restaurant
that deserves the king of all "neener neeners," and since I'm hoping
for
a reprint of this column to hang on their walls, I'll tell you about it
here.
Until this past week, one of my favorite restaurants in the whole world
was a steakhouse in Bloomington, Illinois called Alexander's, a
restaurant that lets you choose your own steak, and then cook it on
grills bigger than most apartments. Although Alexander's is a small
steakhouse chain, and there are other restaurants like it, Alexander's
of Bloomington holds a special place in my heart.
However, during my latest trip to Atlanta, Georgia, I had the chance to
eat at a restaurant that can only be described as a carnivore's dream.
And as much as I love Alexander's -- they're still one of my favorites
-- after eating at Fogo de Chao, Alexander's can only be compared to
grilling burgers on a rickety old wire-racked Weber in the backyard.
Essentially Fogo de Chao (pronounced "foe-go duh shown," it means
"fire
in the ground") is a meat buffet. A great big meat buffet. Probably the
biggest and best meat buffet you've seen since the Ancient Romans
roasted entire cattle for a snack. This type of buffet is a Churrascaria
("chu-ros-kuh-ree-uh") which is very popular in Brazil
("Bruh-zill").
It's the Atkins dieter's Shangri-la, and is a veritable "Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Doom" to vegetarians ("weer-doze").
A Churrascaria is not your typical buffet. After you sample a salad bar
never before seen by mere mortals, waiters dressed in traditional
Brazilian gaucho outfits bring huge slabs of meat to your table --
fifteen different types and cuts in all. There's bacon-wrapped filet and
chicken, regular filet, leg of lamb, rack of lamb, sausages, pork loin,
pork with Parmesan cheese, garlic beef, bottom beef sirloin, top beef
sirloin, and the House Special, which I never found out what it was.
There are also pork ribs, barbecued chicken wings, and beef ribs, which
I did not try. I mean, come on, I'm not a pig!
Here's how it works. As you're seated at your table, you're already
overcome by the heavenly aroma of meat cooking over an open flame, and
you can't tell if the roaring in your ears is the blood rushing to your
head or the murmur of approval from the roomful of other diners
experiencing the same sensation. You become giddy at the thought that
you are about to partake in an orgiastic delight of meats that until now
were only whispered tales told to frighten vegetarian children.
A waiter explains that everything is done in teams. Ask anyone for a
drink, more side dishes, or even a specific cut of meat, and you'll get
it. But here's the important part. He gives you a little round disk.
When you turn the green side up, waiters will flock to your table one at
a time, like worker bees to the queen and serve the meat. When you need
a rest, turn the red side up, and they will skip your table.
Before start, eat your vegetables like your mother said, and visit the
salad bar. Now if you're the kind of person who thinks finding a salad
bar with both green and black olives is a sign of quality, then you're
in for a special treat, because the salad bar at Fogo de Chao is not
your father's salad bar. This salad bar is laden with vegetables usually
only found in twelve dollar jars at expensive gourmet shops. Huge bowls
of marinated artichoke hearts and sun-dried tomatoes, puffed mozzarella
cheese, and a potato salad that I've only dreamed of are just a few of
the items available. Oh sure, there's also the traditional
lettuce-and-croutons section, but if that's all you're there for, then
just pay your bill and head for the nearest Ponderosa, because there's
no helping you.
Be sure to visit the salad bar at least once, but don't make the rookie
mistake of filling up there, because the party of meat is about to
begin.
Now don't get me wrong. A night at Fogo de Chao is not about gorging on
beef, chicken, and pork, although it's very easy to do if you're not
careful. And the waiters don't bring an entire slab of meat for each
person to eat. Instead, each waiter brings his special cut of the night,
and a knife sharp enough to carve through granite. He tells you what
he's brought, and you can accept or refuse. He doesn't cut the meat so
much as just sets the knife on the slab and gently glides it through
like, well, like a hot knife through butter. You get a two or three
ounce piece to sample. The idea is to try the different meats while
working on your salad, and then have seconds of the kinds you really
enjoyed.
But with this Brazilian steakhouse, it's hard to choose a favorite. Just
do the best you can, and keep telling yourself that you'll skip dessert
and run ten miles tomorrow to pay for all your indulging tonight. Of
course you soon realize that doing anything tomorrow, let alone running,
is going to be impossible, since you'll be riding around in a
wheelbarrow for the next three days.
So as you pay your bill and totter out to your car, you briefly think
that it's too bad your vegetarian friends couldn't enjoy a place like
this, especially the salad bar. Don't them a favor and don't tell them
about it. I'm not even sure if they allow vegetarians inside, or what
they do with any of the vegetarians they catch.
Let's just say I never did find out what the House Special was.
--
[Personal from Erik: Hey everybody, I'm an uncle!!! My sister Lisa and
her husband Mike had a baby boy, Jackson Avery Longfellow. He was born
on January 10th, 2002, so I'm really excited. Congratulations to you
both!!]
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.