<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Blowing off the dust! Purehumour has been around for about 3 1/2
years and in that time I have accumulated a ton of various jokes in
my archives....this issue features some of those. You may have
seen some of them in other ezines (God forbid that you would be
reading anyone else's! ;)) ...you may even have seen some in
Purehumour in the past....but what the heck...I had to go down there
and clean up the archives eventually....so I cleaned up the cobwebs
and made a few changes here and there...and now this is the
result!
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Today's issue includes contributions by: Razztaz, Ishy, Cathy, Di Ann,
Michael.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
How do catholics separate their men from the boys ?
With a crowbar!
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box
and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed
for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The
man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and
asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant
and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there
and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold
your monkey!"
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "I'm
afraid that I've got good news and bad news for
you."
"Tell me the good news first, doc." the man says.
"Your cock is going to get two inches longer and
a whole inch wider." the doctor states.
"That's fantastic, doc. What's the bad news."
The doctor looks at him and says "It's malignant."
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about but few have seen.
-Anonymous
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when
his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is
changing the tire, another car goes by, running over
the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts.
The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go
call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the
hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been
watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off
each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires
on until you can get to a garage or something."
Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality,
but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare
tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back
to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking.
Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm
crazy, not because I'm stupid."
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Why I Don't Go Fishing3
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/fish3.htm
">Click</a>
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My Ex Cant Do Math
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I Thought They Had So Much In Common
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Message Pad
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"I had the strangest dream last night," Morris was
telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when
she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she
had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very
disturbing. In fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't
get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for
morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and
came right over here for my appointment. I thought
you could help me explain the meaning of this strange
dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before
responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Polish guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor
of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get
corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm
going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time
I'm going to jump off, too."
The Polish guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna
again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time
I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box,
saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his
death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and
jumped too.
The Polish opened his lunch, saw the bologna and
jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of
corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it
to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could
have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize
he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Polish guy's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own
lunch."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
If, like in the commercial, you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains
all over it that need to be removed, maybe your laundry isn't your
biggest problem.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Town Desciption...
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------
<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>
During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe
and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of
you."
"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off
the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness,
"Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"
"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here,
on
top of mine!"
<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were
both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Fred says "Th-that's...um...that's daddy's rock."A little while later
Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina. "What's that, mommy?" she
asks. "Oh..that..that's mommy's rock grinder." All of a sudden
Pebbles
sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock
grinder and out comes pebbles!"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Topic Tangle
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">Click</a>
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PacMan
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">Click</a>
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--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
We can put a man on the moon and manage to lose several satellites on Mars, but
we are unable to come up with an efficient way to rebuild a damaged road.
First, we must limit the number of lanes. We do not limit the cars nor
provide any new alternate routes in general. We just let the same number
of vehicles vie for a limited number of spots. It's every care for
itself. It's obviously a safety issue.
This limitation of lanes may occur days before any actual work is startedmore
likely it is weeks or even months.
No real work occurs until one or more of the following is satisfied: 1) a
person leans on a shovel, 2) someone's belly or butt crack is showing, or 3) an
in-depth federal study is completed on the environmental impact of the
four-eared, odd-spotted, howling oriental owl. Note that the mere
presence of an inconceivable traffic jam and numerous construction signs does
NOT indicate that any real work is being done. Note further that no one
particularly likes the four-eared, odd-spotted, howling oriental owl, especially
those that are kept awake at night by its incessant howling.
Traffic through construction zones is usually limited to a lower than normal
speed limit. God forbid anyone actually be able to pass through such a
zone and still be on time. Besides, traffic is usually so FUBAR that no
one could actually speed if they wanted to.
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Sam sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
The bartender asked him, "What's the matter? Are you
having troubles with Anni, your wife?"
Sam replied, "We had a fight, and Anni told me that she
wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender commented, "That should make you happy."
To which Sam answered, "No, the month is up today!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the
local forest. He had been walking by the small stream
when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a
toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this
fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the
local church. I too was walking through this forest when
I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let
me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a
cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned
me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there
no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast
upon you?"
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind
person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and
warmth, and with a good night's sleep, I would wake up
an 11 year old Choir boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked
up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog
lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put
the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke,
he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
"And that, your honor, is the case for the Defense!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A teacher in San Diego has been demoted for checking
students' underwear at a school dance.
She now intends to go to court to win her job back and
has the support of a number of parents.
The woman says she just wanted to make sure none of the
girls were wearing thongs.
Rita Wilson, an administrator and former assistant
principal at Rancho Bernardo High School, has been moved
to an associated school.
The verdict came after she gave evidence at a hearing
into her future. Afterwards she said: "I'm very
disappointed and deeply saddened."
Ms Wilson and a junior colleague admitted asking girls at
the dance if they were wearing thongs and telling them
to go home and change if they were.
The San Diego Union Tribune reports she also lifted some
students' skirts to check their underwear before allowing
them into the dance.
She said: "I'm not against thongs. But when a girl wearing
a thong and a short skirt bends over freak dancing, it
exposes her bottom. Sexual assault offences can happen
inadvertently or deliberately at dances. It's my job to
provide a safe environment."
Her bosses say she "used extremely poor judgment" and broke
standard search procedures which prohibit the removing or
arranging clothing.
Her colleague will return to the school in the autumn. The
school says firing either of them could open the education
authority to legal action
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He
said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him
a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this
could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it
will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the
evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week
and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months
to a year, I think your husband will regain his health. On the way
home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] R Y D E R C U P P E
D [||||]
A slinged Winona Ryder showed up in court well shystered and was ordered
top stand trial for second degree burglary, grand theft, vandalism and
illegal drug possession. (USA Today)
The kid hasn't lost her touch. Following the hearing, the judge's gavel
was missing, as well as the DA's cell phone, the court reporter's
engagement ring and the bailiff's handcuffs.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Becky posing thoughtfully in the mirror says to
Keli, "I think I'm going to see a dietician."
Keli asked, "Why?"
Becky answered, "'Cause I need to know once and
for all, how many calories are in sperm!"
Thinking a minute, Keli said, "I really have no clue,
but if you are consuming that much of it, no guy is
going to care if you are a little chunky!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon with great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey
in he world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The head elder then stood and announced, "For our closing
song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
A man sued his wife for divorce. He told the judge, "Your honor,
my wife is so immature, she barges in while I'm taking a bath
and sinks all my boats!"
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Incidents And Accidents
by Kim Burke
To Be the Best
By Kim Burke
Who likes potato chips, candy and any other various types of junk food?
Do
you know what puzzles me? We have 'Doritos' and we have 'Lay's' potato
chips. We even have 'Pringles'. We have 'Snickers' plus 'Starburst'
candy
and there is even a 'Three Musketeers' bar to swallow. What a feat.
My concern is: If the chip is great why not name it 'The Best Darn Chip in
the World'? And as far as the candy bar goes, isn't it about time someone
came out with 'The Best Tasting Candy Bar in the Nation'?
Well, it makes sense to me.
Who dares make their product shine above the rest? What company dares to
make human beings around the nation scream in ecstasy after just one bite?
I challenge you! People around the globe are ready. Who will have
the
courage and excellence to step up to first place?
Hehehe.
That will be the day!
Singers do it. We all know, whether we like it or not, Barbra Streisand
IS
the greatest female singer in the universe. There is none better than
she.
I've listened to a lot of women sing. They cannot hold a candle to her
beauty, grace, innocence and wisdom all mixed up within the same human form.
What a creation!
So, how about it Mars Bar and M&M's? What about you, Mr. Frito
Bandito Man?
Care to take on the title of the best-made white-trash luxury food in the
nation? Step up, if you dare. If you fail, you will be brought
down.
By every person in the universe.
Think carefully before you proceed.
Rosie O'Donnell has said 'Ring Dings' are the best snack cakes ever made.
Living in the south, I thought ring dings were something Dr. Ruth told us to
do in the bedroom area.
Miscommunication can unravel a trail of good intentions.
Or spark them to a grand place, depending on where you take the comment.
It is the same with every product. Oprah Winfrey's book club opened us up
to our spiritual side and wreaked havoc with our ordinary sense of being.
Perhaps Kelly Ripa's book club will help us lighten up a bit. Keep it
enjoyable. Take us to a funnier, happier place.
We shall see.
Perhaps we needed to face the darkness to enjoy the light. Perhaps we
needed to come full circle to appreciate simplicity. Blah, blah, blah.
Who truly makes the best salsa in the nation? I need to know who you are.
And can you make salsa that will not make a person head for the bathroom
door within three hours, yet still have a spicy, hot taste? If this is
you,
you truly have a great product and one that I need.
Just ask my husband.
He's been praying.
I suppose, looking at the big picture, it depends on the individual's taste,
which is why no one has stepped up to the 'best' position. However, it
has
to be out there because we are all connected. There is a part of us that
can resonate with each and every living thing in the world. When someone
captures this ingredient, we shall have the best of the best and, probably,
experience a take over for world domination.
I suppose it does come at a price.
However, truly, the best earns the sum. I only hope I am quick to take
notice and invest in early stocks for this company during the beginning
stages of the undertaking.
Now, if we can foresee this and act upon it, we can have our cake and eat
it, too.
I believe this is called heaven.
Bring it on!
--
The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (to
be published in August 2002) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's
too short for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great
community to involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to:
www.incidentsandaccidents.com.
Kim resides with her husband, Richard and
daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email
Kim at kimburke@incidentsandaccidents.com