<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
                                    and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
                                  presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR!  In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!

The end of the school year is almost upon us...and some parents
in Thompson, Manitoba are heaving a huge sigh of relief! A grade 8
teacher in one of the local schools thought it was appropriate to
issue a test that was found on the internet to the students...the only
problem was that the test dealt with issues such as gang shootings,
prostitution, rape, drug use, and drive-by shootings to name a few...
the teacher has been suspended temporarily while the incident is
investigated.  Sometimes you just gotta sit back and say "What the
heck were they thinking?"

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ad-free version for a small fee...more details available at:
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Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, Stan, Rubin, Keli,
The Posens, Marina, SunAmy, Ken, Carol.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?

Your last blow job.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Evolution
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1096 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1096

Tickled to death..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1095 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1095

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she
had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra,
or in her panties and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you
keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Click</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill
Repute.

They ask for the youngest woman in
the joint.

The Madam says that she will not allow
the youngest girl any time with them.

The lesbians make the demand again,
"We want the youngest girl here!"

The madam says, "No. I don't serve
minors to lickers."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

60? 70? 80? 90? 100? .......

Check it out:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a>
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of
getting married."
-Matt Barry

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Baiting them...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1094 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1094

Early Microscopes...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1093 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1093

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Notes to the Milkman:

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds
keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a
baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a
dozen pints, but the other way round."

"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake
me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

"Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights
'Sopranos' . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it
before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby
two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one
pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays
when I don't want any milk."

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get
money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen
table , because we want to play bingo tonight."

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean
tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler,
let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door.
PS. Don't leave any milk."

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he
is dead until further notice."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Why I Don't Go Fishing2
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/fish2.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/fish2.htm

Kitty and the Litterbox
<a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/06010202.html ">Click</a>
http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/06010202.html

Beware of Dog
<a href=" http://64.246.18.78/Funlinks/3.html ">Click</a>
http://64.246.18.78/Funlinks/3.html

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

<A Classic!>

There was a blonde who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a
local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and
wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000
in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park
tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to
go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she
had instructed.

Also inside the bag was the following note:

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would
do this to another!"

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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

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"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Anni goes into a restaurant and notices there's
a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest
prize is a free lunch."

But Anni keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have
won a motor home because we don't have that as a prize!"

Anni says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor
home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and
he reads..."WIN A BAGEL"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Bad time for a vampire...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1092 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1092

The answer...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1091 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1091

---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

THE TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING...
<This should offend just about everyone!>  ;)

THE TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the cynicism of winning the world cup for
the first time.
3. You get to eat gourmet food like horse, snails and
frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late
night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other
people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allowing Germans to march up and down your most
famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
doesn't faze you.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just poop in
the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're
not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to
do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever
made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on
earth. When you're not at all.

TOP 12 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

1. Glorious history of killing North American tribes.
2. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
3. Warm beer.
4. Punctuality.
5. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of
cricket.
6. You get to accept defeat graciously in major
sporting events.
7. Union jack underpants.
8. You can live in the past and imagine you are still
a world power.
9. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
10. Ditto changing underwear.
11. Beats being Welsh.
12. Or Scottish.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history... well, till about
400 A.D.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. World's greatest Motorcycles.
10. World's greatest Cars.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :

1. Glorious history of killing South American
tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at
the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans,
Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded
by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims
it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress
up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in
front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :

1. Oktoberfest.
2. Wonderful sense of humor.
3. Oktoberfest.
4. World's largest manufacturer of beach towels.
5. Oktoberfest.
6. Sausages.
7. Oktoberfest.
8. Oktoberfest.
9. Oktoberfest.
10. Innate pacifism.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING MEXICAN :

1. Nachos.
2. Tacos.
3. Burritos.
4. Fajitas.
5. Quesadillas.
6. Tamales.
7. Chimichangas.
8. Rellenos.
9. Flautas.
10. Corona.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be kidding, right?!?!?!?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. Free labor - 18 children because you
can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching
down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception
passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968
to persuade your girlfriend that you can't
have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember (or remind you of)
the night before.
7. Stew (made with Guinness).
8. More Guinness.
9. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an
Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of
sectarian violence.
10. Guinness

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a thieving
bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your
country for 40,000 years because you think it
belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at
cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals (politicians
only?)
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager
on the beach.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :

1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US
and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year,
outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US
and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over
fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot
and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US
and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and
cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US
and burn its capital to the ground.

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

So I take my wife to this nice Chinese place and we're sitting there,
wolfing down Moo Goo Gui Pan when, suddenly, this nice kid who's been
just sitting there having a nice meal with his parents, jumps to his
feet and pulls out a 9mm. With a scream, he starts pumping round after
round into his fried rice! Standing there, shooting his dinner. With a
sigh, his mother says, "Now, Tommy, If I've told you once, I've told you
a hundred times, stop wasting food!

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

Inexperience
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/b8.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.comedyezine.com/b8.htm

Thats Some Soda
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06h.html ">Click</a>
http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06h.html

I See Your Point But
<a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/b7.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.comedyezine.com/b7.htm

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Top Ten Ways The Muppets Can Appeal To Today's Teens

10. Kubrick-style orgy scene in Ernie and Bert's bathtub
9. Introduce new Muppet -- Notorious B.I.G. Bird
8. Sesame Street episodes now sponsored by the number 3 and Colt 45
7. Rumble scene with cast of "South Park" where Gonzo shanks Cartman
6. Goodbye singing, dancing and hugging -- hello drinking, fighting
and smoking
5. Cookie Monster writes tell-all book about his struggles with eating
disorder
4. New fuzzy purple Muppet named "Ritalin"
3. Kermit gets "thug life" tattoo on chest
2. Scooter openly complains about the guy with his hand up his butt
1. Sexually curious Gonzo sticks nose in warm apple pie

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard got shelter
with a farmer who had three daughters. The farmer called him aside
and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your
room the whole night and no tricks, be warned."

In the morning, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him,
"How was your night, young man?"

"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will
never forget it."

The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this
fact to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had
been by keeping his daughters away from trouble.

His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not
sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Barb wire blues...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1090 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1090

The Snow brothers...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1089 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1089

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

An undercover policeman has described how he was tied
to a saddle, covered in cream and whipped as part of
an investigation.

The Hong Kong officer wore a G-string during the sex
show at a shop called Fetish Fashion.

Constable Chiang Man-kei was giving evidence in court
about two illegal sex parties he had infiltrated,
reports the South China Morning Post.

He said at one the crowd "cheered like they were at
the World Cup" while hot wax was dripped on a man
tied to the ceiling.

During the second party he became "more confident"
and agreed to take part, believing it would help
him keep his identity concealed.

He told Western Court he was tied to a saddle while
an American woman called "Jessica" spanked, whipped
and scratched his bottom.

The sex shop's owner, Brenda Scofield, and shop
manager Loretta Mui Shuk-han each deny one count of
keeping a disorderly house and six of managing an
objectionable performance.

The trial continues.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Should the USA Adopt The Metric System?

Absolutely NOT! Just imagine having to re-write all of the dirty
jokes about Kama Sutra position 69.

In a metric conversion (1:1.27) our time honored sexual position
would become ... 87.63.

Can you imagine whispering 87.63 into the ear of your sexual partner?

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     C O U R T N E Y    L O V E ,   J R .     [||||]

The BBC will market a charity CD of last week's Buckingham Palace
Jubilee celebration that front lined rock stalwarts from Rod Stewart to
Brian May to Mick Jagger.    (AP)

The CD will include never before seen out takes showing Liz2 being held
aloft in a mosh pit by screaming members of the House of Lords.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Anni was appearing in court to face a public disorder
charge. When her name was called out in the court
foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up,
took a deep breath, and walked into the court and
took to the witness stand.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she
pleaded.

"Not guilty," Anni emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached Anni and
said, "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last
year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a
one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack -
 -on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over
100mph through the centre of London, in a blizzard...
and you were totally nude"?

Anni composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution
council and calmly said....."What was the date again"?

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Getting it wrong...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1088 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1088

Sprouts for bait...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1087 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1087

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Little Johnny returns home from school
and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?'
I said 6," replied Johnny.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much
is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference? " asks
the father.

"That's what I said!"

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was
asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it
to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but not the
same ones."

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

DisInfotainment Today!

"Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers."

ISSUE #7

BELIEVE IT OR ELSE

Terminator III Goes Into Production

James Cameron has once again taken on the helm of the Terminator franchise. According to the Ain't-it-Cool website, the film concerns George W. Bush's mission to send the Terminator back to the end of the Gulf War in order to assassinate Saddam Hussein, who it turns out was behind the events of 9/11, thus saving thousands of lives and a couple of buildings.

In an interesting twist, the Terminator overshoots his mark by forty years, arriving when Saddam is just a baby. Finding himself unable to assassinate the cute little tyke, he brings it back to 1948 where it is adopted by George Bush Sr. who names it after himself and raises it as his own. In a series of totally implausible events, the child ends up stealing an election in a bloodless coup and becoming President of the United States, declaring himself dictator, hiring a bunch of religiously insane bureaucrats for his cabinet, and destroying the civil rights of all American citizens.

Meanwhile, the new democratically elected head of Iraq convinces the United Nations to invade the United States in order to free the citizenry from the Bush dictatorship.

Release is set for summer of 2003.

Yeah, right

Everyone who thinks that all the facts are going to come out now that a Federal judge is hearing a case concerning Area 51, raise your hands.

A Better Buzz

When killer bees pollinate coffee plants, the yields increase by up to 50%.

She Wouldn't Have Fucked You Anyway

Charlie Sheen married Denise Richards.

Obituary of the Week

Scott Shugar, who wrote Today's Papers at Slate Magazine, has died in a diving accident. Today's Papers was mandatory reading every day. Click here for a tribute to Scott by Michael Kinsley, Slate's founding editor. http://slate.msn.com/default.aspx?id=2067029

Calling all Terrorists

Got a question? Ask the Council on Foreign Relations.

Okay, it's in Arabic, but here's the real deal.

Only in America

A recent presidential order "authorizes [U.S.] forces to kill [Saddam] Hussein if they are acting in self defense." Apparently the previous policy was that soldiers were not allowed to fire in self-defense.

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

I see from your bio that you used to write for Animaniacs. There's something I've always wondered. Why the hell do they always say "Hello nurse?"

Wakko fan

Dear Wakko fan,

Years ago, Tom Ruegger was asked by Steven Spielberg to come up with new Warner Brothers cartoons. Ruegger invented Tiny Toons, which took place at Acme University, where all the old Warner Brothers characters taught classes to new, younger Warner Brothers characters. Since Bugs Bunny would be teaching a class to up-and-coming cartoon rabbits, the first character Ruegger created was Buster Bunny, who was to be the new Bugs. Ruegger wanted to come up with a new version of Bugs Bunny's famous catch phrase "What's up, Doc?" but all he could come up with was "Hello Nurse!" It just didn't make any sense for Buster to say "Hello Nurse," so the whole idea was dropped.

Years later, Ruegger was once again asked by Spielberg to come up with new Warner Brothers cartoons, only this time completely original. Ruegger invented Animaniacs, and finally found a use for "Hello Nurse."

MD

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?
by Helen A. Handbasket

June 17, 2002

5. Scooby-Doo took in $56.4 million. I haven't had a decent bowel movement all week. Coincidence? I don't think so.

4. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," said Mario Puzo from the 3rd level of hell concerning his new roommate, John Gotti.

3. President Bush is formalizing a new policy of taking pre-emptive action against states and terror groups trying to develop weapons of mass destruction, just as the United States Supreme Court took pre-emptive action against voters in Florida trying to develop democracy.

2. Bin Laden has threatened Eminem but they still won't cancel Friends.

And the number one people going to hell this week?

1. Jewish settlers living in the West Bank.

ALLIANCE FROM HELL

Conservative Christians have joined up with Islamic governments to halt the expansion of sexual and political protections and rights for gays, women and children at United Nations conferences.

PMS FROM HELL

The largest wildfire in Colorado history was started by a U.S Forest Service technician burning a letter from her husband.

VIRUS FROM HELL

Okay, let's take the lead from Saudi Arabia and chop off the hands of the scumbags who came up with the first computer virus that can be spread through JPEGs.

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years.
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador.
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses.
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November.
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur.
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs.
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert.
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson.
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Do you know how they test to see if fish are edible? They take the whole, live fish and throw it in a blender. Then you are testing the brains, the eyeballs, the spine, the guts, the backbone. But I don't eat any of those parts! I only eat the meat. If you want to test to see if a fish is fit for human consumption, you should test only the parts that humans consume."
- Ted Nugent -

"If the IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change) is right, then it is possible that in the amount of time that separates us from the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the coastal cities of the world along with billions of their inhabitants will have to be evacuated. New York, Washington, Miami, New Orleans, London, St. Petersburg, Calcutta, Tokyo, Shanghai all will be underwater. The breadbaskets of the world, the American mid-west and Ukraine, will be deserts. How does George Bush respond to these prospects? Either he believes that oil company public relations hype is a superior source of knowledge to the scientific research of the IPCC, in which case he is a fool; or else he is aware of the devastation that his policies may cause future generations, in which case he is a scoundrel. There is no apparently benign third alternative interpretation of his behavior."
- Ernest Partridge from The President of Fantasyland -

"First BUSH KNEW!, then CONGRESS KNEW!, then the FBI KNEW!, now the CIA KNEW!. Oh, and EGYPT KNEW!. Hell, Creedence Clearwater Revival KNEW! They saw a 'bad moon rising'. They warned us that 'troubles' were 'on the way.'"
- Juan Gato -

"Each religion, each country, each race was claiming, 'We are the chosen people of God. We are the highest; everyone is lower than us.' This is insanity, and everybody has suffered because of it. Jews have suffered immensely for one single folly that they committed: the idea that 'We are the chosen people of God.' Once you have the idea that you are the chosen people of God, then you cannot be forgiven by others because they are also the chosen people of God, and how to decide it? No argument can be conclusive, and nobody knows where God is hiding so you cannot ask him either; he cannot be brought in the court to be a witness. Then only the sword is going to decide. Whosoever is mighty is going to be right."
- Osho from Consciousness or Insanity -

"Winning gives birth to hostility.
Losing, one lies down in pain.
The calmed lie down with ease,
having set winning & losing aside."
- Buddha -

QUIZ FROM HELL

According to Israel's Defense Minister Binyamin Ben-Eliezer, the 345 kilometer fence between Israel and the occupied West Bank, which costs $1 million per kilometer to build, is "non-political and temporary."

If you had $345 million to spend on the crisis in the mid-east, would you...

a) build a bunch of new hospitals and offer unlimited free healthcare to absolutely everyone regardless of race, creed, or color.
b) offer to move anyone in the mid-east who's tired of the violence to the Bahamas.
c) buy every single Palestinian a split level home with a swimming pool.
d) build a fence.

If you were to commit suicide by blowing yourself up, it would be because...

a) you were happy as a lark.
b) your situation seemed hopeless.

If you wanted to stop people from blowing themselves up, you would...

a) give them hope.
b) bomb their homes.

"Revenge is not a payment of a debt, but rather a loan of violence to be returned with interest at some future date."
- Tom Simmons -

"As long as life continues like this, you will have people who think like me."
-Zaydan Zaydan, a failed Palestinian suicide bomber -

"To get peace, we must return to the pre-1967 borders. Peace is more important than real estate."
- David Ben-Gurion -

CONTRADICTIONS FROM HELL

In India, Donald Rumsfeld announced that Pakistan had let Al-Qaeda terrorists into Cashmere, and then in Pakistan he said the Al-Qaeda were not in Cashmere.

The "Environmental Protection Agency" has called for relaxing clean air rules to make it easier for utilities, oil refineries and industrial plants to upgrade and expand, which will increase smog and contribute to asthma and other respiratory ailments.

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