<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
                                    and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
                                  presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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NOTICE: AOL subscribers may not be receiving all issues of Purehumour...
I am in contact with AOL and hope to get this cleared up ASAP!

There just are not enough hours in the day!  I am proposing a new
schedule that will give me enough time to do everything and stay
ahead of time...so my new day is like this:

Sleep: 8 hours
Breakfast: 1 hour
Relaxation time: 3 hours
Lunch: 1 hour
Work: 3 hours
Supper: 1 hour
Work: 3 hours
Relaxation time: 3 hours
Computer time: 8 hours
Family time: 4 hours
TOTAL:  35 hours

So I am making a request to the governments of the world to lengthen
the day by 11 hours....this will give us all a full 35 hour day which should
make it so that we can all become more productive.  Reasonable?

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Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Cathy, Di Ann, Stan,
Papa Thorn, Rubin, Lady Cherry, Keli, Laura, Pat, Marsha.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?

Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

In their continuing efforts to safeguard the nation
against terrorist attacks, the entire Federal Government
is reorganizing itself. The FBI (Federal Bureau of
Investigation) and CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) are
now one entity, the IGONUTS (Intelligence Gathering
Organization Not Under Terrorist Subordination) and will
report directly to the BFEE (Bush Family Evil Empire).
Much has been made of the lack of communication between
the JBCO (The Jewish Banking Conspiracy Office) and the
FBCB (Federal Bureau of Catholic Buttfuckers), who will
both now report directly to the VRWCO (Vast Right Wing
Conspiracy Office) who report directly to the BFEE (Bush
Family Evil Empire). The FBRB (Federal Bureau of Redundancy
Bureau) will be split into two, though they will share
the same office. The IRS (Internal Revenue Service) is now
the FBE (Federal Bureau of Extortion) and will report
directly to the BFEE (Bush Family Evil Empire).

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Three older women were sitting around and bragging about
their children. The first one says, "You know my son, he
graduated with honors from Stanford, he's now a doctor
making $250,000 a year in Chicago."

The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated
first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer
making half a million dollars a year and he lives in
Los Angeles."

The last woman says, "You know my son Morris, he never
did too well is school, he never went to any university
but he now makes 1 million dollars a year in New York
working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask, "Vos is a sports repairman?"

The third moma proudly replies, "Morris fixes hockey games,
football games, baseball games, tennis matches...."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

Speed Kills?

Check it out:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"Heroes are people who rise to the occasion and slip quietly away."
-Tom Brokaw

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Against the rules...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with
beautiful blonde hair. The first
morning, the girl pulls off the
hair and says, "I wear a wig,
because I was born totally hairless.
Not a hair on my body, not even
down there." That night, Mrs.
Schmidlap tells her husband. He
says, "I've never seen anything like that.

Please, tomorrow, ask her to go
into the bedroom and show you. I
want to hide in the closet so I
can have a look." The next day,
Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the
two of them go into the bedroom,
and the girl strips and shows her.
Then the girl says, "I've never
seen one with hair on it. Can I
see yours?" So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls
off her clothes and shows her.

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to
her husband, "I hope you're satisfied,
because I was pretty embarrassed when
that girl asked to see mine." Her
husband says, "You think you were
embarrassed...I had the four guys
I play poker with in the closet with me."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Why I Don't Go Fishing1
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/fish1.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/fish1.htm

Repaying Jills Kindness
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http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/015.html

And The Reality Is
<a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/reality.html ">Click</a>
http://humorcorner.com/dmp/reality.html

Final Ultimatum
<a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw8.html ">Click</a>
http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/phw8.html

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Sam Gold made an appointment with a urologist, famous
for his work in the field of impotence.

The doctor examined him and said, "You're in remarkably
good condition for a man of 85. Why are you here?"

Sam replied, "My friend Max says he has sex twice a
week. I can't do that."

The doctor shrugged. "Yes you can. You can certainly
say you have sex as many times a week as you like."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

OF COURSE YOU ARE A REDNECK IF . . . .

...you've ever stood outside a K-mart for more
   than an hour hagglin' with the manager about
   the shirt and shoes law.

...you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on
   a Ping-Pong table.

...you think Wal-Mart is expensive.

...you have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

...you ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

...you've ever shoplifted Spam.

...you prefer the Sears catalog to Charmin.

...your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

...you have a set of 16 matching salad bowls,
   and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

...your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

...you complain about the ban on assault weapons
   because it make half your guns illegal.

...you can't go to church this year because
   your Sunday socks are being used as the
   truck's gas cap.

...you think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

...you clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

...you gave your young son a super-soaker water gun
   and an NRA application for his birthday.

...a tornado goes through your trailer's yard
   and makes it look neater.

...you think "Meals on Wheels" is another name
   for roadkill.

...you've ever slam-shifted a tractor.

...you've been to the emergency room more than
   3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

...the number of times you've seen either Elvis
   or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

...on average, only one out of every thirty words
   you use can be found in a dictionary.

...You always say 'Scuse me ' when you throw-up
   in a friend's car.

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

My Way or Highway...
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it!  You co-operation
is expected.>

There's a man trying to cross the street.

As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and
heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across
the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and
is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so
scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and
screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel. It says, "See, it's
not as fucking easy as it looks, is it?"

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first
American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not taught was that
she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used by
Gallop and others. It started when she asked a group of colonists what
they thought of the flag she had made. This was the origin of the flag
poll.

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

BlackJack
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3D Blazer Basketball
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-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

After that there was nothing but an intense silence. It
seemed as though a huge vacuum had come and sucked up
every sound in the universe. The dogs couldn't even hear
themselves breathing even though they were all fighting
for air.

Without warning the house over the basement they were
hiding in collapsed and debris came tumbling down on top
of them. Incredibly enough the dogs never moved during
all this. They were so frightened nothing could have
moved them. Under the pile of debris, Sam just lay
there. Completely awake and unhurt, he lay there almost
hoping whatever came next would end this entire ordeal.

As the dogs lay under the rubble the silence was loud in
their ears. Somehow, they all knew each other was OK but
that was all they knew. They had never seen such darkness
before, there were no shadows or outlines of anything,
just dark.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in
Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus.  The Blonde
team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great
time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from
the Blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes
frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's going on up here?" We're having
a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says,
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A blonde named Wendy is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Wendy, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a
friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one
million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are
you ready?"

Wendy: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush."

Wendy: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Anni."

Anni (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Anni, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire. I have your friend Wendy here who needs your help to
answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear
will be Wendy's..."

Wendy: "Anni, which of the following birds does not build it's own
nest? Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush."

Anni: "Oh geez, Wendy. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Wendy: "Are you sure?"

Anni: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Wendy, you heard Anni. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for
the million?"

Wendy: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo".

Regis:" Is that your final answer?"

Wendy: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Wendy: "Yes; I think Anni's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right! Congratulations,
you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

To celebrate, Wendy flies Anni to New York. That night they go out
on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Wendy looks at Anni and
asks her," Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that
does not build its own nest?"

"Wendy, it was easy," replies her friend. "Everybody knows that
cuckoos live in clocks."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

Police in California who raided a private golf tournament
say they found prostitutes' tents dotted around the course.

They detained over 100 golfers and arrested six others
during the raid on the Hidden Valley Golf Club in Norco.

The Times says an LA restaurant booked the course under
the name Golf Ventures, thought to be an alias for its
real name.

As the 100 competitors and 19 women were taken off for
questioning, six people were led from the course in
handcuffs.

The club says it is as shocked as police.

Lisa McConnell of the sheriff's department in Riverside
County, east of LA, said: "As part of a golf tournament,
sex acts were offered to participants for a fee. There
were tents set up around the course where people could
pay for sex."

Club manager Eric Roush said: "The restaurant had a few
tournaments here - three or four I would say. We knew
nothing about any of this activity."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.
Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it
to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he
gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the
edge--into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing
talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she
ever seen!

" Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes
careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size
bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops."

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     P L E A S E    R E L E A S E    M E     [||||]

Former Oval Office tummler Monica Lewinsky dodged jury duty in a Big
Apple City black robe and gavel palace by turning on the crocodiles and
begging the benchmeister to disqualify her.    (New York Daily News)

Eyeball witnesses report that she came perilously close to dropping to
her knees.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A Trio of Limericks?

There once was a young man, Horatio,380
Whose girlfriend wouldn't give him fellatio,
She said, "He shouldn't pout,
'Cause he won't lick me out,
And I think one for one's a fair ratio!"

A deep-throated virgin named Netty,
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
She said, "It tastes nice,
Much better than rice;
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."

A horny young woman named Kate,
Had hoped for a really hot date.
But despite lots of kissing,
His erection was missing;
So next time she'll just masturbate.

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our
friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to
remind the people at the clerk's office that she was
exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,
" they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to
get younger?"

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

What do they call condoms in Germany?

Weinerhosen

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Daddy Yaaaay!

Kids have it pretty good these days.

I'm not talking about those $&*#% teenagers with so many piercings in
their ears they have the aerodynamics of a Wiffle ball, who insist on
driving past my office blasting their radios so loudly the bass causes
my heart to defibrillate.

I'm talking about very young children, like my youngest daughter, who is
so much like a tiny adult with her own little neuroses it's like
watching "Baby Seinfeld."

She's 20 months old, and she's at the stage where every accomplishment
is equally important to the entire family, whether it's her first steps,
the first time she said "gooblah," or the first time she didn't barf on
me after drinking a whole bottle.

Each milestone she reaches is celebrated with over-the-top enthusiasm,
each developmental first is applauded and cheered as if she
single-handedly revised the US tax code with a Tiny Hands crayon and her
stuffed rabbit.

And as she repeats each personal victory, she claps and screams wildly,
hoping to recapture the heady joy usually reserved for Powerball winners
and Olympic gold medalists.

It's our fault, really. As good and loving parents, we shower both our
daughters with hearty congratulations at their accomplishments, thus
insuring they will pay for our stay in a first-class retirement home
when the time comes.

But we may have created a monster in our youngest daughter. Now, with
every jar of baby food she eats, every bottle she drinks, every
near-perfect pronunciation of "Constantinople" she utters, my youngest
protege will clap maniacally for herself, and yell for us to do the
same.

"Daddy yaaaay!" She gets impatient and hollers at us if we wait more
than 2 nanoseconds to follow suit. "Mommy yaaaay!"

So like good parents, we clap and yell "yaay" for our praise-oriented
toddler.

You can imagine the corner we've painted ourselves into, now that our
youngest daughter has started potty training. We're in the beginning
stages of this Herculean labor, so every victory must be thoroughly
celebrated in order to reinforce the desired behavior (i.e. not peeing
on Daddy's new pants).

Needless to say, it was a banner day in the Deckers house the first time
she "used the big girl potty." The way we hollered and clapped, you
would have thought the Indianapolis Colts had just won the Super Bowl
and scored the winning touchdown in our own backyard.

Kevin Spacey would have handed me his Oscar after witnessing my
performance at this amazing bodily function accomplishment. I leapt to
my feet, smacked my hands together until they stung, and whooped and
cheered so wildly, bystanders would have thought I was having a seizure
and tried to keep me from biting my tongue.

And like any parent should be, I'm proud of my daughter. She's one step
closer to becoming a fully functioning adult. But I'm also ashamed to
admit that my first thought was "Good, we're one step closer to not
changing her diapers in the middle of the night."

Personally I think she got a bigger thrill than the rest of us, but it
was still a proud moment for everyone involved. She was so excited by
all this attention that if we hadn't already stuck a diaper on her, she
would have undone all her accomplishments right there on the bathroom
floor.

Unfortunately we lose this sense of excitement and triumph as we grow
older.  Oh sure, there are those few shining moments we have while we're
growing up, like getting our driver's license or graduating from high
school. But once you hit six, it's all over.

Maybe it's because people have a higher set of standards for us when we
hit kindergarten, or they just get tired of all the clapping and
yelling, but no one goes nuts for our victories like they did when we
were two.

No one claps for me when I run out of the office bathroom and shout,
"Hey, I just went to the big boy potty." In fact, people usually avoid
me for the rest of the day.

No one yells "yaaay" or pats me on the head whenever I put things in
correct alphabetical order or get all my numbers right. However, I have
known people for whom this would be an appropriate response. No one did
it for them either.

This is a shame, because in this day and age, people could really use
the same level of encouragement that young children receive. But we
become jaded and cynical as the years go by. We don't even get that
excited about our own accomplishments either -- not the same way we did
when we were little -- and we've forgotten how excited we were when
every little feat would drive our parents delirious with pride.

My Dad: Son, you've just become the first American humor writer to ever
be knighted by the Queen of England and to receive the Medal of Honor in
the same week. I'm proud of you.

Me: Thanks, Dad. It's almost as cool as the first time I ever used the
big boy potty. . . Daddy yaaaay!!

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.