<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Its the weekend! ;) Welcome to Friday...TGIF...party time! I
am
off for the weekend...mainly a business trip...but tonight I am
going to attempt to see "The Lord Of The Rings"...I have never
read any of the books...but the movie trailers really appealed to
me...I have friends (yes I do!) who say I should read the books
first...but I just don't have time and really want to see it on the
big screen! It is still the #1 movie in Canada (probably in the US
too) so maybe that says something for the type of movies we
want to see! Should be interesting with "Black Hawk Down"
opening this weekend...we'll see whether people are ready to
see a movie of that type yet. Not me!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Stan, Di Ann, Wayne,
Ruth, John, Marina, Keli.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in
Arkansas to 32?
Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Playing with Pop...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.635
">Playing with
Pop...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
During the Second World War, when many young men
were being trained for combat, they were stationed in the
deep south, and it was the custom for some of the local
residents to offer some Southern Hospitality to our
fighting men.
One day, in a camp that will remain nameless, the
phone rang; a woman at a local woman's school offered
to entertain a dozen soldiers at a party being held
the upcoming weekend, and would the captain send some
of her best behaved men over? The captain agreed, but
before he could finalize the agreements, the woman
made a request: "Please, suh, don't send any Jewish
boys."
The captain agreed ... no Jews.
The day of the party, the soldiers were dropped off at
the school, and knocked on the door. The hostess
opened the door ... to the sight of a dozen Black
soldiers, all in dress uniforms.
"Why, th-there m-must be some kind of m-mistake," she
stammered.
"No, ma'am," said one of the soldiers, "Captain
Rabinowitz, he doesn't make mistakes."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A teacher in a rather backward, rural area attempted to
broaden the outlook of her class. She asked the students
to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned
in more or less acceptable pieces except for little Billy,
whose essay, in full, was "All foreigners are bastards."
The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted
her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law,
English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels,
Chinese philosophy and African sculpture.
She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners.
When she finally got little Billy's paper it said, in full,
"All foreigners are bastards. Some are clever bastards."
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
Where am I?
-Charles A. Lindbergh, upon arrival in Paris.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Open wide...
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">Open
wide...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2001 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Reward Fishing
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
John: Jill you look so cute when you're wearing one
of my shirts.
Jill: Thanks, Hon! I guess I would wear your pants
too if I could get into them.
John: Oh, don't worry, Babe! You can get into my
pants any time you want!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was
knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He
looks up from the page and says to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the
female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why
don't you prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He then gets up
and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and
proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way
that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
I've been married for 23 years, and as much as I hate to admit it, my
husband has a problem--drinking. He is working for a company that their
employees sit and drink after they are done work. I have asked him more
than once not do this. He almost always comes home drunk thru the week,
and then goes to sleep right away after supper. Needless to say I sit by
myself every night. My girls are grown and shouldn't be expected to sit
home with their mother. Many nights he doesn't even make it home for
supper, to busy drinking with all his buddies. I've tried many things to
fix this, yelling, ranting and raving, even trying to tell him nicely I
don't want this kind of life. He just doesn't seem to care about anyone
but himself. I've told him either things are going to change or I'm
leaving. His response?? Oh well if you think you can find someone
better,
than just go. I'm only 45 years old, not ready to just sit at home
by
myself while he sleeps off his drunken stupor, not to mention driving a
vehicle while intoxicated. I work third shift, so sleep during the day,
would like some companionship in the evening. Is this to much to ask
from your husband?? I cry a lot because I'm sad, lonely and
depressed!!! Can you offer any advice?
Thank you
Lonely in PA
]~[
Dear Lonesome.....While a certain amount of frustration will always be in a
2-shift relationship, It can be dealt with. First off, is he getting good,
uninterrupted sleep? if so, does he help in raisin' the kids, instilling in
them
values and morals while hes in charge? Yes, this can be done by a drinking man,
if he can keep his head about him.
Make it plain. LAY IT ON THE TABLE When he's not drunk, and you aren't
mad.Straighten it out. Do whatever you have to repair your marriage. And
remember...YOU have the ace in the hole-the kids. Good luck, Dearie, and
write
and let me know how it goes. Aggie DOES care.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A little hello...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.502
">A little
hello...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.502
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were
being introduced to other members and shown around. The man
leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair
by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some
hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days
without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had
to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down,
propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how
long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes.
I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever
seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!
...........I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't
blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out
at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then,
just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was
little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's
mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and
fork dear?" "I didn't think I needed to," as everyone listened
as Joey
explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
HMO Blues
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny's mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the field
trip.
"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."
Mom: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what
is a fucker?"
Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks"
Mom: "but who said they were called, er, fuckers?"
Johnny: "that was our teacher. Well actually she called them
"effers,"
but we all knew what she meant."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created
a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever
so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out
the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he
whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe
and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just
to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Wish you were here...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.503
">Wish you were
here...</a>
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A German firm is shipping 50 million condoms to Kenya
- it's biggest-ever export.
The mammoth consignment is worth 70 million to Condomini.
It will use a 'soft loan' from the World Bank to pay for
the condoms over a four-year period.
The condoms will be used to help prevent the spread of
HIV in Kenya.
Condomini says the order will double its revenues this
year to about 23.3 million.
In Kenya, where more than half the people live on less
than 50 cents a day, a pack of three condoms costs eight
cents.
The order comes after the company announced last year it
would build a factory in South Africa to produce 100
million condoms a year.
Plans have been made to deliver the first contraceptives
in January.
The new orders will raise the company's yearly output
from 220 million to 720 million condoms.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A doctor says to his patient Thomas, "I've got good news and I've got
bad news. The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."
"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" Thomas asks.
"The good news is I think you're cute."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] B A G T A G -- Starting Friday, all luggage carried
on domestic flights must be examined under the new "close the barn door
after the horse has left" Transportation Security Act which Congress
hurriedly passed to stem the fallout from 9-11. (LA Times)
With their typical flair for overkill, the feds have hired
Laura Schlesinger to come up with a method of screening passengers'
emotional baggage.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Do you think you know English? Try this one. Can you decipher this:
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of
a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of
which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe
damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure;
subsequently the
second member of the team performed a self rotational translation
oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.
(in simple English what does this translate to??)
Answer:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down
and broke his crown
and Jill came tumbling after
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Funny Cow
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">Funny Cow</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was
speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble
controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the
congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually
not such a big boob."
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's
okay. We like big boobs."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Be sure and buy as many wool blankets
as you can for this coming winter....
There's going to be a shortage of afghans.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Just Protecting My End Zone
by Dave Glardon
I like to think of myself as a reasonably healthy
person. Aside from the fact that I weigh as much as
two reasonably healthy people, I think I'm in pretty
good shape.
I eat sensibly, I exercise on a regular basis, and I'm
starting to lose weight for a change. All things
considered, I feel great. So it came as a complete
surprise when the Red Cross passed on a pint of my
blood.
It seems my iron count isn't as high as they'd like.
This doesn't seem like a big deal to me. I think if I
were bleeding to death, my standards might be a bit
less restrictive. Is it red? Fill 'er up. I can
always take vitamins later.
Still, the responsible thing for me to do was see my
doctor, so I made an appointment. I knew all I needed
was an iron supplement. My day would have gone much
better if I'd just written my own prescription.
If you tell the doctor your iron is low, two things
are going to happen. First is a blood test. I
expected that. Then you're going to be violated with
a latex glove. I didn't expect that. I should've
kept my mouth shut.
I'm learning, very slowly, that this type of exam gets
more frequent with age. Men, let me offer a bit of
advice. Before you turn 40, find a petite female
doctor with really small hands. You'll thank me later.
I've always been grateful for the fact that my doctor
is so thorough. She leaves no stone unturned. When I
had chest pain, this was a good thing. But it's not
so good when it comes to matters down south.
As I tried to regain my dignity, she told me that if
my blood test wasn't acceptable, she'd send me for a
colonoscopy. Let's get one thing straight - this is
NOT something she'll just send me for. If she wants
me to go in for that, she'd better eat her Wheaties
first.
Doctors think they can trick us by giving these
procedures an innocent sounding name. Here's a tidbit
of wisdom - if the name of a procedure ends in
"s-c-o-p-y" it means they're gonna stick a camera
someplace you'd never agree to sober.
I've had an endoscopy twice. That's the one where you
swallow a camera so they can take pictures that even
Larry Flynt would find disgusting. That one's not so
bad, thanks to the miracle of modern narcotics.
But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out
that a colonoscopy goes in the other end. In the
sports world, they'd call it a Keister-Cam. Sorry,
there aren't enough drugs in Miami to make me agree to
that.
It could be worse. A woman I used to work with had to
have both procedures on the same day. Maybe I'm
nave, but I sure hope they have more than one
camera. All I could think to say was, "Be sure they
do the endoscopy first."
All this wouldn't bother me, except I'd told my doctor
I feel great. Maybe that's why she felt compelled to
give me the works. I don't usually stop by just to
tell her how good I feel. No problem, I felt a lot
worse when I left.
I'm starting to make a list of medical symptoms that
don't provoke an invasion of the South Pole. I'm
finding that as I get older, the list gets smaller.
I'm beginning to think it's all part of a government
strategy to reduce health care costs. If so, it's
working. Just knowing that my doctor can pronounce
words like colonoscopy is enough to keep me out of her
office.
I got the results of my blood test yesterday. The
bottom line (no pun intended) is my backside got a
welcome reprieve. All I need is a multivitamin with
iron. Whew!
It was a close call, but it taught me two valuable
lessons. The next time the Red Cross says my blood
isn't good enough for someone who's probably dying
anyway, I'll keep it for myself. And no matter what,
my loyalty will always go to the doctor with the
smallest hands.
2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved
--
Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense
of the nineties. You can visit his Website at
http://www.daveglardon.com