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and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Sad news....the orphaned baby squirrel that we had found on Thursday
passed away on Sunday. She had quit eating and drinking on Sunday
afternoon and died overnight Sunday. She really made a big impression
on our whole family (including our cat) with her constant chattering and
occasionally screaming at us. Although she was only with us for a few
days...she is sadly missed...but I guess it was not meant to be. Thanks
to all of you who wrote with various suggestions and comments...we used
much of your knowledge...but it just didn't work out.
Here is a heart-breaker of a different kind...Paul McCartney has wed model
Heather Mills in a semi-private ceremony. This breaks the heart of at
least
one female that I know! (and she knows who she is!)
Today marks nine months since Sept 11th and in a ceremony at The
Pentagon the outer ring was sealed and a memorial capsule was placed
inside the wall. The final stone to be placed was a charred stone from
the original wall. Good luck on your continued rebuilding...and think of
those who were not able to make the ceremony.
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Today's issue includes contributions by: Cathy, Di Ann, Stan, Rubin,
Keli, Marina, Marsha, John.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
I'll never forget the words of wisdom my mom
had for me on the night of my 21st birthday:
"Get the hell out of the road!
And PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Fisherman Funerals..
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
I paid my $125 and she asked me to wash my hands. I
guess you can never be too safe in the '90s. She led
me into a quiet, comfortable enclave highlighted with
a myriad of mirrors and asked me to sit. It was my
first time and she knew it. I'll admit, I was nervous.
I got a little more on edge when she pulled out a white
bottle and poured its contents into a small container. I
had been told by my pals a lubricant of some sort was
necessary. I guess she could see in my eyes I didn't have
a clue what was about to happen. So, to calm my nerves,
she went over everything first. She showed me, as best
she could, how I was to prepare myself before putting it
in. She even warned me that most first-timers fear they'll
encounter immediate discomfort and wind up pulling it out
seconds later. None of this made me feel any more confident.
It was at that point I sheepishly informed her I wasn't sure
I'd be able to go through with it. After all, it was on the
insistence of my buddies that finally I phoned her up and
requested her services.
"It'll feel like the weight of the world is off your back
after you do it the first time," they said. "It's about time
you became a man," urged another, "it'll be the best day of
your life."
After a few deep breaths and some uncomfortable chit-chat,
I gave it the ol' college try. With my left hand propping
open my target and my right index finger in the ready
position, I took my first plunge. Rejected.
The young lady looked at me immediately and gave a few words
of encouragement so I wouldn't lose my enthusiasm. She was
obviously a professional.
Again and again, I tried to put it in but for some reason it
wouldn't go where I wanted it. Instead, it slipped out of my
hands, bent every which way or fell onto my leg. After an
hour of trying, not only had my pride taken a beating, but
my eyes watered in frustration. As I cleaned it one more time
I told her this would be my last hurrah.
We both wanted everything to work out. That's when it happened.
A perfect entry. When I opened my eyes everything became clearer.
Yes, putting in contact lenses isn't that hard after all. All
those years of suffering through life with blurred vision are
behind me. The gratification of seeing clearly through my right
eye was hard to put into words. I just knew I could do it.
Now, if I could only take the darn thing out.
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is
beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works.
If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her
right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex,
too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for
a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp"
Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
Life is too short to be spent frowning
-Nkechi Unamba
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The evolution of man...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One night, Sam brought home a dozen red roses
to his wife, Anni.
"How lovely, dear," Anni said. "What's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you," Sam said simply.
"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
The next night Sam came home with a big box of
chocolates and explained that he wanted to make
love to her.
"I'm awfully tired, honey," said Anni wife. "Can I have
a rain-check?"
Every night for a week Sam brought home something, but
each time his wife's answer was "no". Finally he came
home carrying six black kittens with little red bows
around their necks and handed them to Anni.
"How adorable, Sam!" Anni exclaimed. "What are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Marys On Her Fourth Husband
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">Click</a>
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Dog or Towel
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Women Are From Venus
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">Click</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her
patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a
revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could
pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without
stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood
and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third
guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."
The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on
the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you
have to say now?"
He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
It has been determined that having sex before participating in
athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the
athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex,
they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
They just made a new porn movie in Arkansas -
" 9 1/2 Teeth"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Halo Pierce
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------
<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking lady sitting on a stool.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place,
my place, it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, what law firm do you work for?"
<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Two married women were having lunch together, and when on told a dirty
joke, her friend did not even crack a smile. She said, "Don't you get
it?" Her companion replied, "Not very often."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
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Strip BlackJack With Regina
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-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
Was this it? Was the end of the world finally here? Everyone
was asking the same question just not to each other.
They noticed the basement had become darker than it ever had
before. The water trickle had stopped as quickly as it
started. They also heard a sound they couldn't identify. A
whistling sound that seemed to grow louder and angrier as it
approached. The dogs huddled together and waited.
The winds continued to blow increasing ferocity. The dogs
could hear things smashing against the house. They stayed
huddled in a corner and tried not to shake in fear.
The next sound they heard was undescribable. It wasn't so much
a sound as it was a feeling. They could feel the earth move as
if it was being shifted around beneath them. Dust fell from the
ceiling and jars of fruit flew off the shelves.
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny is in the toilet with his mum. She's on the can and he
says, "Mommy! What's that between your legs?"
"That's where me and daddy were having a fight. He threw an axe at
me,"
she said.
"Good shot," he said, "right up the cunt."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference
between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If
I were
to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money,
what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts
out, "you'd be his wife!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A Miami schoolgirl is taking legal action against her
math teacher for refusing to let her leave the classroom
to go to the bathroom.
Sophia Gutierrez says she messed her pants and is seeking
unspecified damages from the teacher at Ponce de Leon
Middle School.
She has filed notice to sue both the teacher Edwin Victor-
Louis and Miami-Dade County Public Schools.
The fourteen-year-old says she had a stomach ache when Mr
Victor-Louis refused repeated requests for a bathroom pass.
She says she told him it was an emergency.
Sophia claims Victor-Louis humiliated her in front of the
class by saying: "If you can't hold it, you should be
wearing Pampers.''
Sophia's mother, Judith Gutierrez, was furious when she
heard her daughter's story and wants Victor-Louis to make
a personal apology to Sophia in front of the class.
''I was totally upset by this,'' she said. "My daughter
has never had a conduct problem. The teacher had no reason
not to believe her if she said she needed to use the
bathroom for an emergency.''
Victor-Louis was not available for comment. School officials
say he has been teaching for more than two years and has a
complaint-free record.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
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">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, Sergeant," Irish said to the
policeman called to the scene to investigate an indecent exposure
complaint by an angry woman at the bar.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the police sergeant. "Well,
you see,
this woman and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I
wanted most in a woman...... so I showed her."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] I D I O T A R O D [||||]
Hoping to match its ratings bonanza among the trailer park and plastic
lawn furniture crowd with their brainless "Temptation Island," Fox
now
offers "Bachelorettes in Alaska," in which five hunk hungry maidens
attempt to sniff out possible altar candidates among the misfit lower
forty eighters who tend to migrate there. (AP)
The unlucky also rans receive a nice parting gift, though. Two weeks at
the Fairbanks Hilton with a moose.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A blonde couple goes to a marriage counsellor because their sex
life is in the doldrums.
The therapist advises some variety to spice things up. "For
instance," says the therapist, "try a new position once in a
while -- like the 'wheelbarrow.' Lift her legs from behind, and
off you go."
"That sounds great!" says the blonde husband.
"Wellllll," says the blonde wife, "I suppose we can try it...
but," she adds, turning to her husband, "you have to promise we
won't go past my parents' house."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and
says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet
back."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What is the most worthless thing on a women's body?
A guy about 86-years-old.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Goldilocks v. The Three Bears
Bailiff: All rise! The Honorable Jacob Loveless presiding.
Judge Loveless: Bailiff, what's the next case?
Bailiff: Goldilocks versus The Three Bears, your Honor.
Judge Loveless: Who represents the plaintiff?
Johnny Cochrane: I do, Your Honor.
Judge Loveless: What seems to be the problem, Mr. Cochrane?
Cochrane: Your Honor, my client had occasion to enter the defendants'
home on Saturday, May 18th. During her visit, she sampled some of their
food, sat in their chairs, and slept in their beds. Because of the
Bears' negligence in food preparation and furniture maintenance, as well
as a failure to secure their home against intruders, my client suffered
third degree oral burns, chronic back pain, and a bruised tailbone. She
also suffered severe mental anguish resulting from a fear of being
mauled during a brief chase. We're suing for physical injuries and
emotional distress, and are asking for $3 million.
Judge Loveless: I . . . see. And who represents the defendants?
F. Lee Bailey: I do, Your Honor. We believe the plaintiff's claims are
frivolous and a cheap attempt at making a personal fortune out of her
own misdeeds. Her injuries are a direct result of illegal entry into my
clients' home, misdemeanor theft, and wanton destruction of private
property. Not only do we dispute her claims, we are counter-suing for
property loss and emotional distress. We are seeking FOUR million
dollars.
Cochrane: Oh yeah?! Then we're amending our suit to FIVE million
dollars!
Judge Loveless: Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Cochrane: Sorry, Your Honor. My client only entered the home to seek
shelter. She was lost, cold, and afraid for her safety. She knocked on
the door, but no one was at home. She decided to wait for the occupants
inside. Being overcome with hunger and exhaustion, she made herself at
home.
Judge Loveless: Is this true, Ms. Goldilocks?
Goldilocks: Yeth, Yoa Onnow. I wath afwaid ad awone.
Judge Loveless: What did she say?
Cochrane: She said "Yes Your Honor, I was afraid and alone."
Judge Loveless: Why is she talking like that?
Cochrane: Because of the serious oral burns she received after sampling
the "Too Hot" porridge, which we are submitting as Plaintiff's
Exhibit
A.
Judge Loveless: It's stone cold.
Cochrane: Well, it has been two months, Your Honor.
Bailey: If the porridge ain't hot, a case you ain't got. Isn't that
right, Johnny?
Cochrane: Shut up, F. Lee! I taught you that trick!
Judge Loveless (sighs): Please continue, Mr. Cochrane.
Cochrane: We further contend that the defendants' negligence in
maintaining their home in suitable living conditions caused my client to
sit in a chair that was too hard and another that was too soft. This has
resulted in her chronic lower back pain. The third chair was also
shoddily constructed, which is why it broke under her weight and bruised
her tailbone. These conditions have affected her ability to work, and
have had a negative effect on her personal income.
Judge Loveless: What do you do for a living, Ms. Goldilocks?
Goldilocks: Dewivvewy thervithe.
Cochrane: "Delivery service," Your Honor. She owns and operates a
food
delivery service for the elderly. You may remember the murder trial of a
Mr. B. Wolf for the murder and cannibalism of one of her employee's
grandmother.
Judge Loveless (mumbling): Someone please kill me now.
Bailey: Your Honor, the plaintiff is obviously blaming my clients for
her own crimes and misfortunes. I fail to see how it's the Bear family's
fault that she injured herself. She was not invited into the home, she
was not asked to eat their food, sit on their furniture, or sleep in
their beds. She did all of these things illegally, and blames them for
her injuries. Where is the justice in that?
Judge Loveless: So why are you suing for $4 million?
Bailey: The emotional distress my clients have suffered are causing
irreparable damage to the family harmony. Mama Bear wakes up every 15
minutes to make sure the doors are locked. Papa Bear is paralyzed with a
sense of helplessness at the violation of his home. And the two have not
been intimate since the break-in.
Papa Bear: We told you that in confidence, you shyster!
Bailey: I'm sorry, please don't eat me.
Judge Loveless: I never should have gotten up this morning. Please
continue, Mr. Bailey.
Bailey: Baby Bear has been inconsolable ever since his favorite chair
was broken. And Mr. Cochrane has even reported the Bear family to Child
Services, claiming the faulty chair and uncomfortable furniture
constitutes a safety issue for Baby Bear.
Cochrane: If the bear cannot sit, you must report it.
Bailey: One more hackneyed rhyme out of you, Cochrane, and I'll go
medieval on your--!
Cochrane: There once was a stock scammer from Florida, who. . .
Judge: That's enough out of both of you! I'm assigning both cases to the
docket, and we'll begin hearing pretrial motions in July. Bailiff, call
the next case.
Bailiff: Next case: People v. Georgie Porgie on 13 counts of aggravated
assault and sexual misconduct.
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.