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<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
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<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, SunAmy, Amanda,
Ishy, Di Ann, Barb, Marina, Carol, John.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
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">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Daffynition: Cocktail Party.....
An affair where a mans gets stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return
home to find that neither is either.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Nasty Prison...
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Exposing himself...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Mrs. Smith's kitty isn't feeling well - a bad case
of constipation. She calls the vet, who prescribes
her a new kind of laxative. "Give her about six
teaspoons of it, and she'll be better in no time."
Mrs. Smith does as she's told and brings the cat
in a week later. The vet asks, "How's your calf?"
"Calf? I don't have a calf. It was my CAT who wasn't
feeling well."
"Oh no! That laxative was designed for a larger animal!
There's no telling how it might affect a smaller one!
How's your cat doing?"
"I'm not sure. The last time I saw her, she was heading
toward the north end of town with ten other cats. Five
were digging, three were covering, and two were scouting
for new territory."
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual
findings he had made.
"For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a
distance
of 300 miles."
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?"
asked a sarcastic member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds
something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
-Sharon Stone
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Womb mates
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A recent news story detailed a medical implant
which offers women the chance to experience
orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny
electrodes are implanted into the spine and
a small signal generator in the skin under the
buttocks. The patient then controls the
sensation with a handheld remote.
Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:
1. Dramatic increase in the number of women
seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic
shortage of cover story headlines.
3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never
complains.
4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's
click, click, click, and she's out the door.
5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.
6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener,
you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your
wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."
9. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.
10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying
attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't
paying attention... I'm sorry..."
11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the
uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.
12. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH,
GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
13. In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly
popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote
now has a new button: "Big O."
14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward
satisfying their partner... errr, never mind..
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A Boss Is Like A Diaper
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Waking up after a restless night, Anni turned to her husband Sam and
frowned.
"I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your
sleep!"
Sam replied, "Who was sleeping?"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
As husbands and wives will, from time to
time, my wife and I were having the
discussion about what would happen in the
eventuality that one of us would predecease
the other like...tomorrow night. The usual
"would you remarry?" questions were asked
and answered.
I asked my wife, "If there was a nuclear
war tomorrow, and you were the last woman
alive on the face of the Earth, would you
help procreate the species? Assume there
were 10 men that were a mixture of reasonably
attractive, and totally repugnant."
My wife asked, "Are you alive or dead?"
"Where I was standing at the moment the
war broke out is now a smoking hole," I
informed her.
A few moments of consideration. "Yes,
reluctantly, if I were the last woman
on the face of the Earth, and the
survival of the species depended on
it, I'd have to do what was necessary."
I was wandering into the kitchen to
refill my drink when I heard this,
muttered under her breath: "...bet your
ass, I'd set myself up as Queen, though.".
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------
<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>
Greg is sick of Keli always bossing him around, so he decides to
go to a Psychiatrist. The doctor gives him a booklet on assertive
training. He reads it on the way home. When Greg walks through
the door, Keli comes to greet him. He tells her,
"From now on, I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I
come home from work I want dinner on the table. Now, get upstairs
and lay out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the
guys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker???" Keli replies.
<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A Canadian agency is reporting that the number of obese Canadians is
rising rapidly. Those Canadians -- always trying to copy us. But the
good news for Canadians: 200 pounds Canadian is only 180 pounds
American. (Jay Leno)
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Some more Trivia for those boring days:
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because
the
original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of
the
bubbles.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away
from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood
plasma.
American car horns beep in the tone of F.
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get
something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by
a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said,
"Oh Dad, there's one."
"No", said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to
even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said,
"Hey dad, he's big enough."
"No", the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the
fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said,
"Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her."
"No", said the father. "Were not going to eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your
mother."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A Dutch website is offering to teach women how to
perform oral sex for just $2 a lesson.
Vrouwonline started the course after a survey revealed
women wanted more information about sexual techniques.
Students have to pay 1.5 Euros, about $2, each time
they visit the course which lasts four hours in full.
Editor Roos Roodnat said: "The courses are very friendly
to women, starters and experienced women, and every item
of the course is explained with pictures and texts.
"Customers are getting well informed about all possible
techniques, showing mouth and hand techniques and different
positions."
Roodnat said the lessons were already proving a great success
and the website is now planning to run courses in erotic
massage, the Kama Sutra and masturbation for women.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One day while returning to my desk after a routine call,
one of our female employees flagged me down and asked
for help.
"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?"
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her
machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-
like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out
and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the
corner of the office trying awful hard to keep a
straight face.
Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic
got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!"
"Condom???"
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a
condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent
catching viruses"
By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I
could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned
out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately
explained to her that a practical joke had been played
and she shouldn't do that anymore, then she asked in a
dead-serious voice:
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or
blow on it either?"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] F E E L L I K
E A N U T ? [||||]
A George Washington University researcher has discovered a band of
chimpanzees in West Africa that have genetically passed on the ability
to use rock "hammers" to extract well protected panda nuts from their
tough outer shells, leaving the tools for the next user at the base of
hard tree trunk "anvils." (AP)
Thus making them more productive to society than the Osbournes.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger
had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of
the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the
monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing
before they wrecked the car?"
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" ....motioned the monkey
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking
her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with
my husband!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?
The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
DISINFOTAINMENT TODAY!
"If we don't print it, it didn't happen!"
ISSUE #5
BELIEVE IT OR ELSE
Whatever Turns You On
New York is expecting a baby boom nine months after the terrorist attacks.
War of Words
George W. Bush came out against the "war of words" between the
leaders of India and Pakistan, who are both attending a regional security
conference in Kazakhstan. "Words? It's not fair," he said. "I
wish they'd switch to weapons."
Egypt Warned U.S. of Pederast Priests
Egyptian intelligence warned U.S. officials last year that Catholic priests
were fucking little boys. "There's no doubt the CIA knew," said
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. "I told them myself and showed them the
pictures."
What's the difference?
Napster has declared bankruptcy but Limewire lives on.
Greetings Dr. Hollywood,
If you are looking for a writer's assistant that is 1) willing to rise with the
sun and work until Security Guard Sam has found his seat at the front desk; 2)
is able to concept, craft. and condense any genre or lexicon of written text
into a concise and clean format; 3) expert with Final Draft 4) published
writer; 5) all-around "swell" guy, the please take a minute to read
my resume and curriculum and give me a call.
Thanks and all the best.
Barry.Jude Landry
Dear Barry,
Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.
You are the answer to my prayers. I live up a dirt road in the middle of the
desert, fifteen miles from civilization with no transportation. I need to get
my kids to the bus stop every weekday PRECISELY at sunrise, which is when
you're up anyway. I need you about 6:30AM.
Thanks,
MD
Dear Dr. "Desert Dweller" Hollywood,
Thanks immensely for the generous offer to support and develop my burgeoning
writing career with your empirical expertise and awe-inspiring screenwriting
gift. My rate (not including gas) is $1000/Day. If this is OK, when
might I start?
BJL
Barry,
My friend Andre is going to inherit $6 million next month. If you'll take a
post-dated check, we're on.
MD
Dear Dr.,
No worries, just sign over your land, horses, trucks, livestock, and any
real-estate titles in third-world countries and I'll make sure Junior and
Juniorette make it to the bus stop pronto like Tonto. Tell your buddy Andre
that I know a great tax lawyer -- he only takes half.
BJL
Dear Barry,
I own a patch of land in New Guinea that's perfect for a leper colony. The
title's in my sister's name but I can forge her signature pretty well. All my
horses and livestock are roaming the free ranges of Montana, but if you can
round them up, they're yours. And if I had a truck, I wouldn't need your help.
MD
Gee Doctor,
Your life is a little bit on the chaotic side -- maybe I should reconsider that
offer. I tell you what, if your sister is hot and she knows how to round
up horses, tell her to give me a call. We'll fix up that 'ole truck (any
man worth his salt has a beat-up truck on his desolate desert property), sell the
property in New Guinea (cannibalistic lepers? scary...), kick you out (you
sound like you need some tough-love), and raise Junior and Juniorette on our
own -- maybe look into some home-schooling fer the yung 'uns.
All the best.
BJL
Barry,
Well, if you're going to be THAT way about it. My uncle Sid grooms Brad Pitt's
analyst's dog and he's gotten Brad to agree to star in my treatment of the life
of Gerald Ford and we need someone like you for the final polish. But now,
forget it.
MD
Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at
disinfotainment@earthlink.net
WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?
by Helen A. Handbasket
This has been a week for facing reality. The Bush Administration has finally
admitted that there is such a thing as global warming, that trees emit oxygen,
and nothing beats the smell of sulfur.
June 3, 2002
5. Russia has agreed to allow 'N Sync's Lance Bass to be the first pop star to
go into space as long as they can leave him there.
4. Eight tons of cyanide hijacked from a truck in Mexico is missing but they
still won't cancel Friends.
3. Florida can't find 1,000 children that were in state custody. Madonna's
pregnant again. Coincidence? I don't think so.
2. Someone please explain to me how Thoroughly Modern Millie was the best
musical of the year but Urinetown: The Musical had the best book, the best
score, and the best direction. Hey Tony Award voters. Watch your buttocks.
And the number one nation going to hell this week?
1. Winona Ryder fractured her elbow on her way into court so her shoplifting
trial was postponed and her hands weren't chopped off.
PORK FROM HELL
The new Security bill to help defend America against terrorism contains $2
million for the Smithsonian Institution to house its jars of biological
specimens, $2.5 million to map coral reefs around Hawaii, and $5 million to
subsidize farmers' markets and roadside produce stands.
HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL
In 1898, Bayer trademarked Heroin and in 1900 marketed it world-wide as a cough
medicine.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby
can't chew it."
- Mark Twain -
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half
by our children."
- Clarence Darrow -
"The more things change, the less they remain the same."
- Satan -
QUIZ FROM HELL
When George W. Bush said "Do you have blacks, too?", he was...
a) touring a crayon manufacturing plant.
b) talking to Brazilian President Henrique Cardosa.
CHILDREN'S SHOW THEME SONG FROM HELL
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Who lives in a prostitute under a bridge?
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Who'll do it for change that fell under the fridge?
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Repulsive and horny and smelly is she
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
You can get off by just watching her pee
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Who gives you the clap for a buck ninety-eight?
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Who'll take all your semen but won't procreate
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Contraceptivespo-o-o-o-nge
Hotpants!
--
DISINFOTAINMENT@EARTHLINK.NET
http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/.