<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Oh Well! I along with many people in Canada are mourning the
crushing defeat of the Maple Leafs last night! You may have
noticed that I have NOT mentioned the Leafs run for the Stanley
Cup this year at all...maybe it was superstition...or maybe it was
something else...but they seemed to be doing pretty good! They
hit the wall of the Carolina Hurricanes who now make their first
appearance in the finals against either Detroit or Colorado. Once
more the Leafs will have to wait until next year....well at least my
wife now gets the TV back!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Di Ann, SunAmy, Stan,
Jack, Wayno, Douglas, John, Marina, Ruth.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
How do we know that fairy tales are fiction?
Because the prince is always smart, handsome, single, and straight.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
MURPHY'S LAWS FOR COMPUTERS
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you
meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand
your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the
section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite
malfunction.
To err is human ... to blame your computer for your
mistakes is not just human, it is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
A complex system that does not work is invariably
found to have evolved from a simpler system that
worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer
solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to
do, but rarely what you want to do.
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the
man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way,
(being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the
donkey go is to say "Hallelujah!"; the way to make him stop is
to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got
on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!"
shouted the man. The donkey began to trot "Amen!", shouted
the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!"
said the man.
With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon
he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word
to make the donkey stop.
"Stop" said the man.
"Halt!" he cried.
The donkey just kept on going.
"Oh No! Bible! ; Church! ; Please Stop!" shouted the man.
The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer
and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please Dear
Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge
of this mountain; In JESUS name, Amen."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop, just one step from the
edge of the cliff.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man.
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with a lot of pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A tourist driving through Arkansas passes a young boy
walking along wearing only one shoe.
The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Did you lose a
shoe?"
"Nope," the boy replies. "Found one."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be
waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the
Army,
I'm never going to stand in line again!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Limerick Story:
This builder was a very sad bloke
He very seldom had a poke,
But when he found a lady willing
To take a little cavity-filling
He took the job and let it soak.
After an hour the lady cried
"Stop! enough, I'm satisfied"
Then he gave a strangled shout
"It's happened again, I can't get out
Because my tools are trapped inside!"
She said this'll do the trick
Rub vanishing cream around your dick
That will bring it down to size
Move the wrinkles from your thighs
And also stop you from feeling sick.
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed
to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended
to celebrate.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
Jean Cretien the Prime Minister of Canada, flies to England for an
audience with the Queen. Cretien brings up his grand plans for the future
of Canada. "Eh, Your majesty", he begins, "Can we turn Canada
into a
Kingdom in order to increase its status in the world?" The Queen shakes
her head and replies, "One needs a King for a Kingdom and you are most
certainly not a King, Mr Cretien."
Not to be dissuaded, he asks "Would it possible to be an Empire
then?"
"No", retorts the Queen, "you need an Emperor for an Empire and
you are
most certainly not an Emperor".
"Well then, what about a Principality then?", tries Cretien.
Predictably,
the queen replies, "You need a Prince for a Principality and you are most
certainly not a Prince." Her Majesty takes a sip of tea and adds,
"Mr.
Cretien, having met you and several other Canadians I think Canada is
perfectly suited to being a country."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A red-colored horse regularly picked up scraps of oral hygiene supplies
outside a dentist's office. A recycling center owner "borrowed" the
horse one night in hope of using the animal in his business, But it was
all to no avail because a stolen roan gathers no floss.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become
pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she
consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very
wilful, and any attempt to stop the girl would
probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control
and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a
date, the woman told her about the situation and handed
her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her
mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about
that! I'm dating Susan!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Danny said to his son, "It's time we had a
little talk my son. Soon you will have urges
and feelings you've never had before. Your
heart will pound and your hands will sweat.
You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think
of anything else."
"But don't worry, it's perfectly normal
... it's called golf."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
Nudist sports team sponsored by washing powder firm
Persil are sponsoring British naturists travelling to
Amsterdam to take part in an international sporting
tournament.
It is thought to be the first link up between a household
brand name and nudists.
Team members will carry a Persil sports kit of socks,
sweatbands, baseball hats and mini towels, at the
International Naturist Ptanque Championships.
As part of the deal thousands of naturists visiting clubs
across Britain will also be offered samples of Persil's
new washing powder, which contains aloe vera.
Pat Thompson, manager of the British naturist ptanque
team and president of British Naturism, said: "As naturists,
we have an obvious interest in being kind to our skin and
many of us are familiar with aloe vera.
"Washing our sports kit, what little of it there is, with
a powder with added aloe vera is a natural choice.
"The team is hugely excited that they have been able to land
this deal. We might not have a Beckham or an Owen but landing
this sponsorship deal is set to boost the profile of naturist
ptanque just as we go head to head with the World Cup!"
Andrew Watson, Persil marketing manager, said: "People might
ask why a washing powder company is working with people who
don't wear clothes - surely these are the last people we
should be talking to?
"However, even naturists have washing machines. Our message
is simple - for those occasions when you do have to put
clothes next to your skin, make sure they are washed in new
Persil Aloe Vera - it's our kindest powder."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<Groan!>
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a
kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a
spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?"
Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my
job I needed to get reorganised."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] A L - Q A E D A B R I G A D
E [||||]
Barbie's principal squeeze, Ken, now has his own web site at
www.manbehindthedoll.com
where fans can keep tabs on the polystyrene
stud's daily activities. (LA Daily News)
At the moment, he's with his buddy GI Joe searching caves in Kandahar
with their Army reserve unit "Mattel's Marauders."
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
There were three fleas sleeping on this woman, one on her head, the other in
her armpit, and the other in her pussy. In the morning after they woke up,
they met together on a dog.
They were talking and they each asked how each other slept. The first
replied,
"I slept on this really hard place, it had some hair, but it was very
uncomfortable."
The second replied, "I slept in this one place that was kinda wet, but it
was warm and very comfortable." And then the last flea replied,
"I slept in this dark cave and it was really nice. But as I was sleeping
this big bald monster came in, woke me up, slammed me against the wall a few
times, and then spit in my damn face."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid.
After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings
as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such
abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better
housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in
bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband...the mail
man!!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Why can't men do laundry?
Nobody's invented a remote control for washing machines yet.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
DISINFOTAINMENT TODAY!
"All Rights Reserved and All Wrongs Avenged!"
Issue #4
BELIEVE IT OR ELSE
Out-of-Control Barge
A bridge collapsed in Oklahoma after it was struck by Luciano Pavarotti.
Oh joy
The CIA is helping the FBI reorganize.
WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?
by Helen A. Handbasket
On this Memorial Day, I give thanks to everyone who ever fought for me, which
in my personal life is looking pretty slim. Looks like my only choice is to
give thanks to everyone who ever fought for me anonymously, having no idea they
were giving their lives for my ability to crank out bullshit like this on a
regular basis. (bullshit 2002 Ambassadors from Hell, Corp. No use without
signing something in blood).
May 27, 2002
5. Russia.
4. France.
3. Italy.
2. Germany.
And the number one nation going to hell this week?
1. Colombia.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
747 divided by 4 plus 12 injured in a stampede at an Eminem concert minus 8
glasses of water per day it turns out we don't really need equals the 475 total
wordcount of the arms control pact signed by Presidents Bush and Putin times
Coleen Rowley's 13-page letter (that's about four times the length of the
Moscow Treaty) accusing the FBI of undermining the pre-Sept 11 investigation of
Zacarias Moussaoui minus $450,000 paid by the archbishop of Milwaukee to settle
a sexual assault claim divided by every housewife in Beverly Hills using Botox.
RUMOR FROM HELL
All pretzel factories in Europe were shut down during Bush's visit.
ALLIES FROM HELL
According to a Saudi newspaper, the U.S. will vanish and the Bush
administration are "the morons in Washington."
HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL
The CIA is exempt from the federal law that protects whistle blowers who work
for the federal government.
INTERNET JOKE FROM HELL
The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Those who ask questions could face government charges."
- Donald Rumsfeld -
"Won't you blow me?"
- Michael Dare -
"A tyrant declares war to deny his subjects leisure and to impose on them
the constant need for a leader."
- Aristotle -
"War is the health of the state."
- Randolph Bourne -
"It is the duty of any given nation in time of high crisis to attack the
catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as to cause the people to laugh at
it in such a way that they do not die before they get killed."
- Lord Buckley -
"This film will single-handedly guarantee that George W. Bush will never
see a second term."
- From a review of Michael Moore's new film Bowling for Columbine -
"He is not noble who injures living beings. He is called noble because he
is harmless towards all living beings."
- Buddha -
"Impossible to see, the future is."
- Yoda -
"Not all those that wander are lost."
- J.R.R. Tolkien -
"Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, and a touch
that never hurts."
- Charles Dickens -
"All knowledge begins with honesty."
- Plato -
"Never be rude to anyone unless you mean it."
- Archie Goodwin (Rex Stout) -
QUIZ FROM HELL
Before 9/11, who had information about a terrorist plot against the United
States?
a) John Walker Lindh
b) George W. Bush
Who is on trial for treason?
a) John Walker Lindh
b) George W. Bush
BUREAUCRACY FROM HELL
The supervising agent at the FBI who hampered the Moussaoui investigation has
since been promoted.
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
Like a Bridge Over Okie Waters, I will Fall Me Down
Please don't make me write this.
--
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