<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Hope your Memorial Day was a happy one...please take a bit of
time to remember the victims of that bridge collapse on I-40 in
Oklahoma.
The FunStop has been changed ... take a look at the "New and
Improved" FunStop...especially the new "Paul's Site To See"...
this site will change occasionally and will feature sites that are
unique and humourous...if you know of a site that you'd like to
see featured here...please send me an email and I'll see what I
can do. The FunStop is located at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
">FunStop</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Barb, Keli, Pat,
Di Ann, Aubrey, Jack, Michael, Wayno, SunAmy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
1st customer: . . . I'll have tea.
2nd customer: . . . Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
<Waiter leaves and returns with two glasses>
Waiter: . . . Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Evening Prayer...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary
were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5
weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a
company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a
company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Heavily laden with groceries, my aunt asked a young clerk at the
grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she
unlocked and opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the
back seat to check off her list of errands.
A moment later, the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my aunt.
"Lady," he said firmly, "I don't mind helping you load your
groceries, but I really gotta draw the line at driving you home."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
-Rodney Dangerfield
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The air-raid siren went off in Haifa. A woman rushed
down the stairs toward the safety of the basement.
Suddenly she noticed that her husband had not followed her down.
"Come on, Sidney," she yelled.
"Just a minute!" answered the husband. "I gotta get my
teeth!"
"Never mind your teeth!" the wife shouted back. "What
do you think they're dropping..... pastrami sandwiches?"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
My Kind Of Man
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Female Drivers
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Male Drivers
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
This big shot lawyer out of New York City was driving down to
Florida for a vacation when he pulled into a diner for lunch
somewhere down below the Mason-Dixon line. Having always
felt that these locals down here were just plain stupid, he decided
to have a little fun out of the cute innocent looking waitress who
was coming over to wait on him.
She said, "What will you have Sir?"
With a very suggestive leer he said, "I'd like a little pussy"
Without missing a beat she replied, "Me too, mine is bigger than a
frying pan".
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Three guys, Father, Son and Grandfather go out to play a round of golf.
Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks
up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she
can join them. The guys say sure, since she is a really beautiful woman.
The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the
three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't
try to coach me on my game".
The guys say OK and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes
are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the
ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the
middle. She just starts pounding these guys, parring every hole.
The foursome get to the 18th and she has a 12 foot putt for par. She
turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying
to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to
ask your opinions on this putt.
Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy
a blow job you will never forget." The guys think what a deal! The kid
walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says,
"Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will
break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12
inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole
and fall into the cup."
The Grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the
ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a
Gimme."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
You know, sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked.
But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken
gives?"
Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"
And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow
gives?"
And Little Johnny replied, "Fucking homework and tests!"
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
There was a young man driving his car, when
suddenly he saw a little frog sitting beside
him. The frog began saying to the man "Kiss
me, kiss me"! But the man didn't want to kiss
a frog..
The little creature kept saying to the man
"Kiss me, kiss me" So at last, he accepted
and kissed the frog. And guess what the frog
turned into??
A very beautiful lady.
Now, the man began saying to the lady "Kiss me,
kiss me"... but the lady didn't want to kiss
the man. At last she accepted and kissed the
man...And guess what the man turned into??
The next motel!!!!
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
I'm Just Fine
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">Click</a>
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Restaurant With A Catchy Name
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Versatility of the F Word
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-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
"I hate to say this but the last time I went to the vet,
they told my human that my system is very delicate and foods
like fruit can cause me to be rather...well, gassy."
The other dogs were stunned. They didn't know whether to
laugh or cry. Sam crawled over to the door and began to peer
through a small crack. Behind him he could hear Shep break
wind and the others begin to laugh. Sam could see the
sunlight through the tiny crack and thought to himself, "I
have got to get out of here."
None of the dogs knew what day it was. To them the minutes
and hours passed in total darkness. They could feel themselves
starting to get ancy so to pass the time they told stories,
tried to imitate other animals, and sang songs, "Please, if
I hear anymore of 100 bottles of beer on the wall I'm going
to lose it." Rex said.
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a
prospective student, Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the
student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much
impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control
on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim,
"Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during
long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car
when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned
back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."
"Tom who?" I asked.
My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
An a hippie carries the Torch.
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A pile of....
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A Winnipeg (Manitoba, Canada) teenager says he was
stunned when he was knocked off his skateboard by a
low-flying goose.
The Canada goose was heading for a pond when it
apparently misjudged its landing and flew into Shawn
Hacking's face.
The 13-year-old suffered two badly scraped knees, a
sprained wrist, a ripped shirt and a red face where
the bird's wing slapped him.
His friend Brent Bruchanski told the Winnipeg Free Press:
"It was so funny, but I felt sorry for him at the same
time. It flew out of nowhere and then . . . wham bam!"
Shawn's mother Kim Hacking said: "When he came in, he
said, 'I got hit by a goose'. I thought that was some
kind of car or something."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in
a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending
the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for
him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a
film-like substance on his plate and he questioned
his grandfather....are these plates clean?
His grandfather replied.... those plates are as
clean as cold water can get them so go on and
finish your meal.
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his
grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of this plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked
again......are you sure these plates are clean?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the
grandfather says.....I told you before, those dishes
are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't
ask me about it anymore!
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get
dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving,
Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let
him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
Without diverting his attention from the football
game he was watching, Grandfather shouted,
COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] E X P L O R E R S C O U
T [||||]
A cash challenged Philly teen car jacked the SUV of one of his teachers
to chariot his date to their senior prom. (AP)
Whose theme this year was "Probation By Star Lite."
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got
married and it was the first night of his honeymoon.
His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing
only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked
with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the
foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply
stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his
erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement
being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his
penis and the movement of his head from side to side
as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist
with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore
off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide
open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to
the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk
across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared
intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread
legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an
agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out,
"For God's sake what are you waiting for?"
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis,
blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even
more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her,
"I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or
the easy pink."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.
----LET'S DO THE NUMBERS---------
134,349,027 men in the United States X 3 whack-offs/week
= 403,047,081 whack-offs/week
6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24 hours/day X 7days/week
= 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
403,047,081 whack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
= 399,848 whack-offs/ten-minute-period
399,848 whack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor)
= 391,851 whack-offs/ten-minute-period
----CONCLUSION-------------------
At any given moment (on average), 391,851 men in the United
States are whacking-off.
So,... be careful who you shake hands with!
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
How can you identify the Polack at a Cock fight?
He's the one who brought the duck.
How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
He's the one who bets on the duck.
How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?
If the duck wins, they are.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
I recently took a vacation to Mackinac Island (official motto: That last
C is silent), which is right above Michigan in Lake Huron. If you ever
ask a Michigander where that is, they'll hold up their right hand and
point with their left hand to the appropriate spot. This is because
Michigan is shaped like a right hand wearing a mitten.
As a result, all Michiganders have the annoying habit of showing where
they live by holding up their right hand and pointing to the location
with their left hand.
I really hate it when they do this.
I'm from Indiana, which is shaped like a painfully-pointed boot. So when
Michiganders show me where they live, I point to the part of my state
that will kick them in their Florida if they don't stop.
Originally called "Michilimackinac" by French missionaries in the
1600s,
the name was later shortened to Mackinac. However, because the French
never spell things the way they sound, Mackinac is actually pronounced
"Mackinaw."
This is something the island residents take very seriously. It's a major
faux pas (pronounced "foe pah" -- see how that works?) to mispronounce
the name of their home, and they get very annoyed whenever anyone is
crass enough to call it "Mackinack."
Although Mackinac Island has a rich and colorful history, a relaxed,
friendly atmosphere, and is known for its world-class fudge, the thing
that sticks out in everyone's mind is the lack of cars on the island.
"How's come there's no cars on this here island?!" first-time
visitors
gawk.
With the exception of a couple emergency and maintenance vehicles, there
are no electric or gasoline powered vehicles anywhere. Anyone who wants
to get around the island does so on foot, by bicycle, or on horseback.
But you will see dozens of teams of horses pulling carts or taxis
throughout the day. This also means the horses will stop in the middle
of the street, and treat it like a paved toilet.
"What is that SMELL?!" the first-time visitors shout, wrinkling their
noses.
Although horse deposits make crossing the street an adventure in itself,
it adds an extra level of excitement during high-speed bicycle police
pursuits.
Walking is free, of course, but in the true spirit of island
entrepreneurship, visitors can rent bicycles for the day or horses by
the hour. When my wife and I visited Mackinac Island a few years ago, we
went horseback riding for the first time. We loved it so much, we
decided to try it again on this trip.
I'd like to point out that I will not name the stable we used. While I
only had a couple extremely minor complaints on this trip, I don't want
them to read this column and assign me a horse named Thundering Death
the next time we're there.
We chose Western style riding over English style, since English saddles
don't have a horn, which is useful for holding on (the horn is also
useful for beeping at other riders when they're being jerks). A couple
stablehands brought our horses out, and gave us some important
information about them. The horses, not themselves. Stablehands are very
private about their own lives.
"Sandy is a good leader, so you ride in front," they told my wife.
They
brought my horse to me. "Jake just likes to stop and eat."
"Sounds like Jake and I have a lot in common," I said.
"No, you can't let him do that. If you don't control him, he'll think he
can boss you around. Just pull his reins if he tries it."
Although we chose the unguided tour, a guide rode out with us to show us
the way to the trails. As we headed out of town, she told my wife, "Make
sure you keep Sandy on the right side of the road."
I couldn't resist. "If we were riding English style, would we ride on
the left side of the road?"
My wife laughed, but our guide just stared blankly at me.
"No, you would still ride on the right."
I tried to explain, so she wouldn't think I was a complete moron. "I
meant that in England, they drive on the left side, so English style
riding would have the same--"
"Yes, I know." Too late. She thought I was a moron.
It's been my experience that horse people are members of some kind of
fanatical cult. They love their animals, tolerate humans, but despise
morons who crack horse jokes. And apparently I had just offended their
queen. I was sure she was sending telepathic messages to Jake to throw
me off and trample me.
I didn't crack another joke the whole time our guide was with us, but
the damage had been done. Jake didn't appreciate my humor either, and
abused me for the rest of the trip. I discovered he had an annoying
habit of falling way behind Sandy and then trotting to catch up with
her.
He did this because he realized I had foolishly asked for my stirrups to
be lengthened, thus insuring I couldn't raise myself out of the saddle
far enough to relieve any of the . . . painful bouncing . . . I felt
when he trotted.
"Jake, go catch up with Sandy," I told him the first time he fell
behind. "Let's go."
"Tell him giddyup," my wife hollered to me.
"That's stupid. They only say giddyup in Westerns," I hollered back.
I felt like a goober saying "Giddyup," and thought it was one of the
least macho things I could actually tell a horse, short of discussing my
feelings with it. Besides, real cowboys say things like "Onward ho!"
or
"Yoiks and away!" or something equally cool.
"Move it," I cried. "Run, Jake! Run like the wind!"
Nothing.
Jake continued moseying along at his usual pace, waiting for me to drop
my guard so he could eat everything in sight. I sighed and looked around
for any cowboys who might laugh at me.
"Giddyup."
Jake's ears perked up, so I said it louder.
"Giddyup Jake." He trotted up to Sandy, bouncing me the entire way.
Once
he caught up, he backed off again. She had "used the island" during
the
trip, so I couldn't blame him for wanting to keep a safe distance.
"Get up!" I tried. It was less silly than giddyup, and he actually
responded to it. "Get up, Jake." It wasn't "Yoiks and
away!" but at
least it wasn't "Giddyup."
"I think I'm getting the hang of this," I called to my wife, three
miles
ahead of me.
And it was true! I was growing more confident with each painful bounce.
I was one dusty trail ride from becoming a true "Yoiks and away!"
cowboy, and was positive I would soon become an expert at riding
horseback.
Or is that riding horsebaw?
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.