<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Well Thursday is here...and I put this issue together along with 3
other issues! Tomorrow's Purehumour, PHWeekly and
Weird News Weekly...this is the first time that I have done them
all together like this...but I am taking off for the weekend tomorrow
afternoon and I want to make sure that everyone gets their issues.
Makes everything really confusing when you are switching back
and forth between pages and pages of material...so if today looks
a little jumbled and off-kilter...that is why!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Stan, Chris, Anni,
Keli, Barbara, John, Marina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the approximate Square Root of 69?
Eight Something
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Captain in trouble...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.627
">Captain in
trouble...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.627
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A penguin is waddling down George Street in the centre of Sydney. A
compassionate guy figures he'd better to something, so he grabs the penguin by
the flipper and leads it to a nearby police station. He explains to a
very stressed sergeant what the problem is. "Listen" says the
sergeant angrily, "I've got murders, thefts, rapes and arson to deal with,
and you come in here with a bloody penguin". But the guy is
insistent. "Oh... take him to the zoo" the sergeant
replies angrily.
The next day the sergeant sees the guy still with the penguin.
"Thought I told you to take him to the zoo!".
"Well" says the good citizen, "I did and he liked it so much
today we're going to the cinema".
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the
native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went
in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese
congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his
congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese
rabbi said,...."You a Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
I've learned.... that the best classroom in the world
is at the feet of an elderly person.
-Andy Rooney
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Just the truth...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.628
">Just the
truth...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.628
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A Mink in the closet,
a Jaguar in the garage,
a Tiger in the bedroom,
and an Ass to pay for it all.
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Parallel Parking
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-7&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-7&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
My Town Is So Tough...
Hotels that ask your name, address
and next of kin to register.
Ice-cream trucks that play "taps"
Gun shops that have "Back to School"
sales.
High school newspapers with obituary
columns.
Restaurants that serve broken leg of
lamb.
Bowling alleys where most people bowl
overhand.
Schools that require a sick note co-signed
by a parole officer.
Christmas pageants that feature the three
Wise Guys.
Advice columns with hints like how to get
blood off of a chain saw.
A 911 emergency service with a two day
waiting list.
"Honor students" who practice saying,
"Yes/No, your honor".
Mothers who give their kids $5 every day
for the holdup man.
The Girl Scouts sell nookie door to door.
Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are
required subjects.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Sam and James were very good friends. One day Sam came over to James's
house to visit, but when he entered the home, James wasn't there.
James's wife was holding their baby and trying to put up curtains at
the same time.
She said, "Sam, I'm glad you came, would you mind holding the baby
while I finish the curtains?"
A few minutes later, James came in and said to Sam, "How ya doin,
Sam?"
Sam replied, "I'm holding my own".
That's when the battle started....
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
I work for a very big corporation that is internationally known. I will
not mention the name though. I worked on Christmas day for 8.5hours and
they only want to pay me for 4. Is this legal and what should I do about
this?
Bay
]~[
Dear at bay...
The answer is obvious. You should snivel and whine to an unknown web
columnist,as
you have just done. Of course, you COULD confront your boss and simply ASK why
you
were not credited for services rendered, but I suppose that would upset the
status
quo. You weenie.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
They're in for a suprise...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.629
">They're in for
a suprise...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.629
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Greg was advised by his psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you.
Go home and show her you're the boss."
Greg was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait
to implement the Doctor's advice ... He rushed home,
slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face,
and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from
me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it
on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best
clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and
you're going to stay home where you belong. And
another thing ... you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust
my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said Keli calmly. "The undertaker."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in
the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would
you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?" A few minutes later,
Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all
right?" "She's
fine, except that now shes angry with you." "At me?" the woman
exclaimed.
"Whatever for?" She said, "It's none of your business how old
she is."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Cell Phone Innovation
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--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
Parallel Parking
According to Fordian Psychology (so named after Seigfreid Ford, Henry Ford's
lesser known and geekier brother who spurned the family business for medical
school and later made a fortune after developing assembly line
psychotherapy) the passive aggressive driver is characterized by any one the
following:
1. Accelerating during passing zones to prevent others from passing
(aggressive) while slowing down in non-passing zones (passive.)
2. Speeding up and slowing down for no apparent reasons.
3. Accelerating to pull out in front of someone (aggressive)sometimes
breaking several laws of physics to accomplish thisand then travelling
slower than the flow of traffic (passive.)
4. Slowing down while approaching traffic lights (passive) and then at the
last moment accelerating so that he/she is the only car to make it through
the yellow light (aggressive.)
5. Tailgating a car in a passing lane (aggressive,) but once the car ahead
pulls over to allow them to pass, they drop back and ride in that car's
blind spot (passive.)
Unfortunately, there is no cure for passive-aggressive driving behavior.
Treatment includes high voltage shock therapy, abstinence from driving
altogether, and a shotgun. Two of these treatments are illegal in most
states, and some drivers must go to Mexico or Canada to receive proper
therapy.
[Continued next Thursday]
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying
to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on
his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly
fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Morris was standing in the lingerie store staring
at a collection of Wonder Bras.
The clerk noticed he had been there for some
time, so she walked over and asked him if she
could be of assistance.
Morris, somewhat confused answered, "Well... if it's
a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick the size she is,
or the size I want her to be?"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the
house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Flipping the bird...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.630
">Flipping the
bird...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.630
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
An Indian magician who's hoping to become a politician
is getting 200 of his magician friends to hypnotise
voters.
They also plan to ride motorbikes while blindfolded and
put on magic shows during the campaign.
O P Sharma is hoping to win a seat in the Uttar Pradesh
Assembly.
He's the Samajwadi Party's candidate for Govindnagar in
Kanpur district, Sify News reports.
He says magicians from all over India will join the campaign
to get him elected.
O P Sharma has staged 26,000 shows during his career. He
became a magician at the age of six.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A Classic!
Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just
kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to
miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she
called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart
would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below
your left
breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her left knee.
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] S A N D T R A P S -- Some Saudis jailed after 9-11
now claim they were "psychologically abused" by jailers while
undergoing
involuntary residence in the Graybar Hotel. (USA Today)
Refusing to let someone sleep with a camel hardly constitutes
abuse.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A country lad comes to the big city. He sits down
at the bar and sees a real beauty sitting at the other
end. He tells the bartender to get a drink for her.
"Don't bother dude, she's a lesbian."
"I don't care!" says the lad, "Gimme the drink, and
I'll take it over myself..."
So the lad slides up and sits down next to the lady
and says: "So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from?"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
New voting system...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.636
">New voting
system...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Harry and his wife were driving in the country when
he saw a sign that said,
"Cow For Sale...$5000" He pulled in and said to the farmer,
"There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had
a pussy just like a woman.
Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry,
"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a pussy
like a woman and it's worth $5000. And here I am, with you, with a pussy like a
cow,
and you ain't worth shit!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
How do you keep a hard-on?
Don't fuck with it.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
The Manhattan Project
A Live, Real-Time 'Drinking And Writing' Experiment
By Doug Powers
For years police departments all over the country have administered experiments
where the host of a radio show is given alcohol and a breathalyzer test every
ten minutes live on the air. These experiments have gone a long way in proving
the debilitating and dangerous effects of alcohol on speech, motor skills and
behavior patterns. One of the more famous of these particular experiments was
when Casey Kasem took part. He was slurring and acting like a complete jerk.
Then he started drinking and got a little better.
Due to the success of this program in teaching youngsters the danger of alcohol
impairment, the state police department in Michigan has decided to expand it to
include writers. I have been asked by the Michigan State Police to write my
autobiography with a State Trooper (Stan) to my left, and a bartender (Billy)
to my right. I will be given one Manhattan (bourbon, vermouth, bitters) every
ten minutes. As for me, if this experiment can help prevent just one kid out
there from ever drinking and writing, it will be well worth it. Read here how
it goes and remember kids, drinking and writing don't mix. Here we go.
11 a.m. - Manhattan #1
My Autobiography
By Doug Powers
On July 31st, 1966, a beautiful, healthy, happy baby was born. He was so
perfect in every way. Tears of pride and joy welled up in the eyes of his
parents as the nurse handed them their new son. As they gazed lovingly into the
eyes of the baby, they could sense something. This baby was bound for
greatness. They knew that their beautiful son was sent by God to fulfill an as
yet known destiny. Then, that baby was taken into the nursery and placed next to
the bassinette of me, Doug Powers, who was had just endured an 18 hour breech
delivery with the cord wrapped around my neck. Needless to say, I was a little
pissed off. I was also battered and blue that I looked like I'd just
stair-dived into a tub filled with pool cue chalk.
11:10 a.m. - Manhattan #2. Boy, Billy's pouring 'em strong.
Growing up in a household that was a quarter Jewish, a quarter Muslim, a
quarter Irish Catholic, and a quarter Sudanese wasn't always easy. I remember
enduring all the laughter and finger pointing because my family was forced
every December to celebrate a mixed holiday that we called
"RamaChrisKwanzNukah". It was a weird holiday. Five times a day for
eight consecutive days, we bowed toward Mecca while clutching a crucifix made
of Gefilte Fish as dad read aloud from the collected writings of Malcolm X. At
the end of each day we'd throw our yamaka's in the air, take down the nativity
scene, and get filled up on falafel while watching "Roots".
11:20 a.m. - Manhattan #3
The cop's just looking at me right now. Don't worry, I'm not going to drive
today, Sheriff Andy. Say "hi" to Barney for me when you get back to
the office, and don't forget to give the keys to Otis so he can let himself out
of jail. Why is it that when cops pull you over they always ask you if you know
why they pulled you over? Like we're going to say "Because I'm drunk and
there's dope in the trunk?"
I'll get on with my autobiography because Robo-Cop here's getting ticked off at
me. Is it time for another drink yet? What? Four minutes? Okay. Just chill out
and put the handcuff down, McGarrett.
Anyways, I hit puberty late. I was like 22 or something. The other kids didn't
think that was normal and I got picked on because of that, too. The beatings
from my older sister only complicated matters. All this led me to become
facinated with the teachings of one David Koresh.
11:30 a.m. - Manhattan #4
Hey, is Hillary looking hot these days or is it just me? I don't have a problem
with ankles though like some people do.
Yeah, Yeah, I know guys, I'm getting back to the biography. T. J. Hooker here
is just waiting for me to start screwing up so he can make his precious
"point" to people.
So, I'm about 23 when I realize that this David Koresh fella is really on to
something. He was a raving lunatic, but man did he know how to grill a steak.
He had this seasoning that he used... hold on a second...
11:40 a.m. - Manhattan #5
...once on each side of the steak. He'd put them on a warm grill. Not hot, but
warm, and his secret was a light brushing of oil first. He'd put on the steaks,
turn up the flame, rave like a madman about God and how God speaks through him,
flip the steaks, put on more seasoning and a light brushing of oil, then go
back to talking about how God wants us to stockpile weapons for some reason. He
was nuts. One day I went out and just never came back. Turned out to be a good
idea. It was about that time that I was turned on to the genius of Marshall
Applewhite.
11:50 a.m. - Manhattan #6
You know, I love you guys. I really do. Did you know that if your baby gets up
on the morning and his pajamas are wet, the second leading cause of that is a
poorly fitting diaper. The leading cause is usually a hole in the baby.
I want another drink. Bring me another drink right now! Oh, screw your ten
minute rule, Adam-12, just give me one!
11:54 a.m. - Manhattan #7 (double)
A couple of years ago I invested my life savings in the mass production of an
at-home do-it-yourself coffee enema machine. It was essentially a Super Soaker
hooked up to a Mr. Coffee. I was certain that it would be a hit. It wasn't.
What a bunch of ingrates you all are! I work and work and work myself nearly to
death, and for what? Nothing, that's what!
God dammit, can somebody please turn on the air conditioner? I mean, Jesus, is
it too much to ask that I at least be comfortable? You pricks really piss me
off. I've lost everything, dammit, everything!
11:59 a.m. - Manhattan #'s 7 and 8
I just punched that worthless jerk of a bartender and took the bottles. The
cop's here fumbling with his handcuffs still, and judging by the size of his
forehead he'll never even be able to figure out how to unlock them. Bite me,
Starsky. This is my gig now. And to hell with the people this is supposed to
help. I'm doing this because I got 50 bucks to, and that's it. You people want
to drink and write? Go for it. I couldn't care less.
12:05 p.m. - Bourbon from the bottle
Youzza bet i'm a xk and goekn dddddddddddddddddddddddd
------------------
Police Addendum: The is officer Stan Dirkberger of the Michigan State Police
Department. After typing the above "sentence", which is in fact a
disjointed series of letters typed by the nose of Mr. Powers, he took my car
keys, got into my squad car, turned on the siren, yelled something like
"One Adam-12, one Adam-12, I'm about to pass out." He then passed
out.
Mr. Powers is now resting comfortable in the care of the local prison system. I
don't know if we'll ever have the heart to tell him that all we served him was
ginger ale with a splash of lemonade in it.
All this has helped confirm the research on the "placebo effect"
conducted by Professor Bloom at the university, or you may know him better as
by now, our "bartender" named Billy.
"Teaching people not to drink and write"? I can't believe Powers fell
for that. What a dumbass!
Copyright 2001 By Doug Powers
--
Doug Powers is a writer of humor who maintains his summer home in
mid-Michigan, and in the winter he moves to the south side of the same house
and deludes himself into thinking that he has a winter home. He is
constantly proofread by his wife and three children. In addition to columns
and stories, Doug writes all kinds of short form humor, topical jokes, etc,
for Laugh.Com and Airborne Entertainment, supplying humor content to
wireless internet subscribers worldwide, except for maybe Calcutta and
Bangledesh. Doug can be reached via his website at www.dougpowers.com or
email at Comedywriter@voyager.net.