<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
                                    and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
                                  presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR!  In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!

Okay enough already...I was bamboozled!  Those "Amazing but True"
facts that I have been running for the last couple of days are anything
but!  They are most certainly amazing...but they are most certainly NOT
true!  The tip off came when someone pointed out that Polar Bears live
in the Arctic and Penguins live in the Antarctic and therefore never meet...
so how could Polar Bears feast on Penguins.  When I took a closer look
at some of the other facts...the glaring errors began to become much
clearer.  So to the creator of those facts...I salute you...you got me and
quite a few others...way to go!  ;)
If you want to see the full text of all sixty of these wonderful items...then
send a blank email to:
<a href=" mailto:facts@paulsfunhouse.com ">facts@paulsfunhouse.com</a>
And receive them via auto-responder!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Jack, SunAmy, Marsha, John,
Rubin.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?

Kick open the car door.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Going fishing...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.507 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.507

Cute Puppy...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.508 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.508

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Little Johnny was starting in kindergarten.

The teacher says, "Every day you have to put
on a clean pair of underwear."

By Saturday, Little Johnny couldn't get his
pants on.

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A convict managed to escape from prison and his escape was the lead
item on the six o'clock news. So not to be captured, he ran through fields
and traveled through back roads until he reached his wife's house. When he
reached the house, he rang the bell, his wife opened the door and screamed,
"You lousy bum! Where have you been? You escaped more than two days ago!"

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------

Do you do it while you drive?

Check out the poll at:
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."
-Amelia Earhart (1898-1937)

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

A smile for you...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.509 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.509

The snowball
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.510 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.510

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A woman went to a computer dating service and said
she didn't care about looks, income or background.
All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing
he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because
they had one thing in common -- they were both
pathological liars.

------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------

The Male Brain
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/mbrain.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.j-j-c.net/mbrain.htm

The Female Brain
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/fbrain.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.j-j-c.net/fbrain.htm

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; ...she's dead."

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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href=" http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ">Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A man from the city decided to buy himself a pig, so he took a drive
in the country until he came across a sign reading, "Pigs for Sale."

Turning into the drive, he parked next to an old farmer standing by a
pen full of pigs and explained his mission. Agreeing to a price of a
dollar a pound, he picked out his pig, whereupon the old man picked
up the pig by the tail with his teeth.

"Ayuh," he said, setting the squealing animal down, "that there pig
weighs sixty-nine pounds."

Noting his customer's astonishment, the farmer explained that the
ability to weigh pigs in this manner was a family trait passed down
through the generations.

Skeptical, and not wanting to be taken for a city slicker, the man
insisted on a second opinion. So the old farmer called his son over
from the barn, and the boy in the same fashion pronounced the pig's
weight to be sixty-nine pounds.

Convinced, the man pulled out his wallet, but the farmer asked him
to go to the farmhouse and pay his wife, who would give him a receipt.
The man was gone for a long time, and when he finally returned to
the pigpen it was without a receipt.

"What's the problem, son?" asked the old man.

"I went up there just like you said," recounted the man from the
city, "but your wife was too busy to give me a receipt."

"Too busy doing what?" wondered the farmer.

"Well, sir, I'm not exactly sure," stammered the man, "but I think
she's weighing the handyman."

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid...
until she closed her curtains.

-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------

Dear Aggie:

I thought I had fallen in love with this man,
James'.  Just yesterday I told him about my
feelings for him.  He told me he felt the same
way.  Now, the thing that worries me is that he's
currently dating a good  friend of mine, 'Nicole'.
The way I told him of my feelings was I said I
liked him, but I realized he was in a relationship.

I just had to tell  him.  He then told me that he
and Nicole were having some problems (no specifications,
just problems).  As it turns out, the very next day we
went to a movie with a group of friends.  He didn't
sit next to me, and didn't even catch my eye.  However,
when I got home and went onto my instant messenger he
was all loving like "Hi Sweetie." and "Did you make
it in the house ok?"  Now I'm just feeling guilty
about "cheating" behind  Nicole's back.  What should I
do?  Should I call it off?  Delay it until they've broken
up?  I don't know what to do!

Help Me!!

]~[

Dear cheap sl...er, Help...

YOU haven't " done " anything, except maybe betray
Nicole's trust, if you two were close friends. Wait
and see. And make him take you to a nice restaurant.
Threaten to "tell" if he doesn't.

Aggie

NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/ ">Dear Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Sleeping it off...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.511 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.511

That's Disgusting...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.512 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.512

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An Angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to one of
those houses. There, he asks the keeper, a fox of course, for a mate.

"For you, I got this nice little squirrel," says the fox. "No, better give
me a Boa snake," replies the rabbit.

"But a Boa will eat a little Angora rabbit like you alive!" says the fox.

"Never mind, just give me the woman -- I want a big, long, cold Boa
snake," answers the rabbit. So he is taken to this incredible Boa
female.

Seeing the little rabbit, the snake swallows it in a second. But,
because it's an Angora rabbit, the Boa, with its stomach irritated by
the fur, spits the little animal out, so powerful, that the rabbit lands
two kilometers away.

In the end, the rabbit slowly gets on his feet, with a huge smile
expressing happiness and content on his face, and proudly says
to himself: "Oh, boy, what a blow job!"

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Sign In a pet shop window,

"Every customer receives a free legless
parakeet. No perches necessary."

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

Synonyms
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/004.html ">Click</a>
http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/004.html

Because You Are My Friend
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/005.html ">Click</a>
http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/005.html

--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------

I'm on the highway, cruising along.  I'm well over the "suggested" speed
limit, but I don't care how far.  I don't bother to look at the speedometer
until the G-forces start to pull my lips back away from my teeth.

Up ahead, brake lights are clearly visible.  Either that, or I've taken too
much medication and I'm seeing little red spots.

I consider my alternatives:

(1) I could start to brake, assuming the idiots in front of me have some
kind of pathetic reason for slowing down, and I may actually be forced to
come out of hyperspace.

(2) I could slow down a little until I get up to them, enough so that I
could still safely stop a few millimeters from the bumpers, but not so much
that I can't regain cruising speed in a hurry if the slow-up is a temporary
annoyance.  Such temporary annoyances include accidents that people seem
obligated to gawk at, patrolmen with radar guns, two-headed cows, toll
booths, etc.

or (3) I could maintain my speed while I consider my alternatives and just
ram into them.

As the parachute opens to slow me down in time to avoid compacting myself
into chunk of metal the size of a suitcase, I realize the source of this
"annoyance."  We have entered:  THE CONSTRUCTION ZONE (weird music playing
in the background.)

2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Get ready to Limerick!

There once was a man from Hong Kong,
Whose penis was seven feet long.
It was bronzed when he died,
For the church of St. Clyde,
Where it's now a bell clapper, Ding Dong!

There was an old priest of Penrang,
Wound a spiked ampallang round his whang.
When they asked, "Why'd you do it?"
The priest said, "Oh, screw it!
It's just for the young girls I bang."

A person of most any nation
If afflicted with bad constipation,
Can shove a cuirass
Up the crack of his ass,
But it isn't a pleasing sensation.

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted
a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said,
"Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a
person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had
to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he
finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again
he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last
time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of
men are these, Who wear their balls in parentheses?"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

I wish I was...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.86 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.11.86

Just plain gross...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1004 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1004

Sarge Goes to sleep..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1003 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1003

-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

Bombay tower block residents say pedestrians on a newly-
opened bridge are spending hours staring into their flats.

Residents of buildings near the newly-opened JJ flyover say
they feel like they're on Big Brother.

Some of the flats are only three feet away from the bridge.

Police say they tell the voyeurs loitering isn't allowed but
there's not much else they can do.

Some residents have put up thick curtains to stop people seeing
in. Others are planning to move out.

Abdul Razzak Suleman Glasswala, who lives in 59, Lotus Building,
told Midday: "All day long passers-by stop, peep into our flats,
eager to know what's happening."

Devidas Ambekar of the local police said: "We keep telling people
that loitering is not allowed on the bridge, but other than that
there's not much that we can do for now."

Aiman Bahrainwala, of EBY Castle, says he's planning to sell his
flat as offices and move his family away.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A man went to the police station wishing
to speak with the burglar who had broken
into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said
the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to
know how he got into the house without
waking my wife. I've been trying to
do that for years!"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]    D I E    H A R D     [||||]

Vitello's, the popular Studio City, CA parmesan and pasta palace and
site of Bonnie Lee Bakey's final calorie conquest, is enjoying brisk biz
from all the media refs in the Blake case coverage.    (LA Daily News)

Bob, on the other hand, isn't too jolly.  In that orange jump suit, he
keeps having a recurring nightmare that he's changing batteries at Pep
Boys.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

My feisty 70-year-old neighbor Frances had to call a furnace
repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil
into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. "Labor
charges!" Frances exclaimed. "It only took you five
minutes."

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum
one-hour charge on every house call. "Well, I want my
remaining 55 minutes of labor," my neighbor responded and
she handed him a rake. He spent the next 55 minutes in her
back yard bagging leaves.

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

The parrot gives the game away..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1002 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1002

Isn't it ironic
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1001 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1001

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the
turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next
to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a
man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

How do you change a Fox into an Elephant

You marry her!

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

Brand spanking new from the creator of "Who Is Going To Hell This Week?"

DISINFOTAINMENT TODAY

"The Truth is What We Say It Is!"

ISSUE #1

Bye-Bye Free Music

    Since the broadcast of a song over a commercial radio station has proven promotional value, radio stations only have to pay a flat fee to BMI and ASCAP and grand total of absolutely nothing in performance royalties to the record companies or artists. That's zero cents. Anybody who wants to can legally tape any song off the radio without paying royalties either, as long as it's only for their personal use. Hello free music and thousands of personal cassettes.

    Radio stations who broadcast radio over the Internet have always assumed the same rule would apply the Internet, where anybody who wants to can legally save any song played on the Internet without paying royalties. Hello overloaded hard drives and personal MP3 players.

    Then came a triple whammy.

    Strike one: The Supreme Court of the United States, in a knee jerk reaction to Napster, declared that "computers are not recording devices," so traditional "fair use" in copyright law didn't apply.

    Strike two: The Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), states that the Librarian of Congress is required to set royalty rates for Web radio stations by May 21.

    Strike three: The Copyright office put together the Copyright Royalty Arbitration Panel (CARP), who recently recommended that all broadcast radio stations who simulcast on the web should now pay recording companies a rate of 7/100ths of a cent per listener per song, while webcasters who DON'T also broadcast have to pay double that.

    Doesn't sound like much unless you consider that a) there is no rational explanation for why anyone should pay more for listening to their free music through an electronic device called a computer instead of an electronic devise called a radio, b) this brand new expense will double the operating cost of most Internet Radio providers, who constructed their business models around the "broadcast" template. Many will go out of business, and c) in the great tradition of reverse capitalism, they penalize you for being popular.

    It's arithmetic from hell. If this goes through, radio's the next logical step. Radios in cars will be replaced by satellite feeds where you pay for the service. Bye-bye free music unless you drive a classic.

BELIEVE IT OR ELSE

Mailbox Pipebombs Without Enough Postage Found in Arkansas

"We don't understand how they got through," said U.S. Postal Inspector Linda Jensen. "These packages obviously should have been returned for insufficient postage. This is really a disgrace."

"The individual or individuals responsible for this are just looking for attention," said Weysan Dun of the FBI. "We're not going let them get it," he declared on national television.

United States Decides French Election

The United States secretly aided incumbent Jacques Chirac to his victory in this week's elections in France. "We made sure that right-wing bastard Jean-Marie Le Pen got the least votes," said U.S. President George W. Bush, "unless the guy with the least votes got to be president, in which case we made sure Jean-Marie Le Pen got the most votes."

Jesus Christ Sides with Palestinians at Church of the Nativity

"Those yokels think I was born here," said reborn Christian Jesus Christ about the Jewish zealots surrounding the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. "I wasn't. It's just a cool place to hang." Surrounded by Palestinians seeking refuge in the faux-holy site, Mr. Christ insisted that though he wasn't born there, it looked like he was going to die there at the hands of Jews. Again.

President Makes Fashion Faux-Pas

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, President Bush came out in favor of Mexican-American ties this week, even though Mexicans don't wear ties.

Internet Search Engine "Google" is Unpatriotic

Look up "farce" in Google and you get a site about the American political system.

Muslims Fuck Dead Virgins

Those virgins they get after they die? They're dead you know. If women didn't die as virgins, there would be none to greet Muslims. Please join me in my crusade to prevent Muslims from getting virgins in paradise. Get laid before you die.

Queen Performs for Queen

Sir Elton John became the very first pop star to perform inside Buckingham Palace.

Spiderman Has No Penis

Do spiders have penises? 'Nuff said.

Incompetent Terrorists

That plane that crashed in Nigeria missed Gene Shalit by 10,000 miles.

DISINFOTAINMENT@EARTHLINK.NET
http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/.