<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
May 8th...yes today is a memorable day for me...it was two years
ago today that I lost my dear wife and children....I'll never
forget that game of cards! ;) <That was bad wasn't it?>
Okay now there are two topics that I have pretty much avoided
lately...one I am NOT going to mention here right now due to a
weird superstition that I have...I'll tell you about that one at a
later date! But the other one is the damn weather! Now I was
down in Winnipeg last weekend and on Sunday morning we
awoke to a snow storm! Visibility was bad and the streets were
terrible. In all about 5 cm (2 in) fell...now that was on May 5th...
today they are talking on the radio about another snowstorm that
is on the way...this one dumped up to 40cm (16 in) on Calgary over
the last couple of days...so I am getting really worried! The problem
is that this is already May 8th...we had a pretty good (although dry)
winter...but spring just doesn't seem to want to be here! Enough
already...the long weekend is just over a week away!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, SunAmy, Keli, Laura,
John, Marsha, Marina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What is the definition of "Brass Balls "?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman
and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next darling !"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Thought for the day...
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So Tired...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same
ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female:
"Let's
both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it
should cause the ship to turn over and sink.
This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the
safety of the shore. Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's swim
after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he
realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen".
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Amazing-but-True Facts! (Part II)
[Some things to amaze your friends with...to be continued!]
* The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man
was owned by Frank Sinatra.
* The only golf course on the island of Tonga has 15 holes, and
there's no penalty if a monkey steals your golf ball.
* Legislation passed during WWI making it illegal to say
"gesundheit" to a sneezer was never repealed.
* Manatees possess vocal chords which give them the ability to
speak like humans, but they don't do so because they have
no ears with which to hear the sound.
* SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below.
* Catfish are the only animals that naturally have an EVEN
number of whiskers.
* Replying more than 100 times to the same piece of spam e-mail
will overwhelm the sender's system and interfere with their
ability to send any more spam.
* Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting.
* The first McDonald's restaurant opened for business in 1952 in
Edinburgh, Scotland, and featured the McHaggis sandwich.
* The Air Force's F-117 fighter uses aerodynamics discovered
during research into how bumblebees fly.
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
I am not a teacher. I am only a fellow traveler of whom you have asked
the way. I pointed ahead, ahead of myself as well as of you.
-G. B. Shaw
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The Ultimate bad Hair day
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Open wide...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to
hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of
the flesh. Father Goodwin came to me and told me that
I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then
he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it
in the gates."
"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he
told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been
blowing it."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
It Can Ruin Your Eyesight
<a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted4.html
">Click</a>
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Toxic Fumes
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
And old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was
startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to
make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman.
"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at
the wrong house."
"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy
assured her. "But you're forty years too late."
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
How do you find out whether a blonde is indeed a
true blonde?
You ask her: 'What is 6 and 9 to you?'
If she says: '15, why do you ask?', she's a bleached
brunette.
If she says: 'Sixty-nine!' and leers, she's a bleached
redhead.
If she says: 'Well.. umm.. I.. what was the question
again?' then yes, she is a true blonde.
{I tried this on my friend Anni and if she isn't nicer to me...
I just may tell you what she replied!]
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Did you hear the report that the leading manufacturer of
imported vibrators is a Japanese firm that now calls
itself Genital Electric?
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
[I received an email from Aggie yesterday and she wants to hear
from you....she really needs your letters to keep her happy...so
please send in your questions ... lets keep Aggie happy!]
Dear Aggie:
How many birds does it take to make a birdhouse/
Sally
]~[
Dear Silly....
One, if its big enough. Or is that how many trucks
does it take to move a mountain ? ....
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A little hello...
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Wish you were here...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
James and Greg were sitting at the bar and Greg was
looking very down in the dumps.
James asked him, "What's wrong Greg?"
Greg replies, "After forty years, married sex is hard.
Some nights I ask myself, am I using my dick or a
tranquillizer dart?"
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
One day, two prawns, Christian and Cecil, were drinking at the
Coral Bar, discussing things that prawns discuss. One of the
topics was the local shark population, on whose diet was prawns.
"I wonder what life would be like as a shark." said Cecil. "It
would be interesting to find out what it's like to be the enemy.
Don't criticize it until you tried it, you know!"
"Well, I don't know how that can be done." said Christian. "I'm
sure I wouldn't want to be a shark."
As the two friends left the bar, a huge bolt of lightning from
the tropical storm raging above the surface hit the sea next to
where Cecil was swimming. Lo and behold, he found that he had
turned into a shark.
"Wow" he thought, "So now I can actually find out what life is
like as a shark. No more cowering in crevices, afraid of being
eaten, able to swim far and wide. It's fantastic!"
As time went on, he discovered that, not surprisingly, all his
old prawn friends were not interested in talking to him. He
gradually became more and more lonely, and started pining for his
old way of life.
"Oh, how I wish I could become a prawn again, and be able to talk
to my old friends. I wonder if another lightning bolt could
change me back to being a prawn?"
A couple of days later, as a storm blew in from the far horizon,
a large lightning strike hit the sea's surface next to Cecil.
Flash, bang, and he was once again a prawn.
"Oh, yes!" he cried. "now I must swim back to the bay, and meet
my friends again. They won't believe what has happened. I can't
wait to tell them!"
A day's fast swim brought him back to the bay where he had spent
all his life as a prawn, and he immediately went to Christian's
home, an old conch shell. As he knocked on the shell, he called
out "I'm back, it's Cecil."
"Oh no, I'm not falling for that old shark trick." called out
Christian. "If I come out, you'll eat me."
"I won't, I promise. Please come out and we'll go and celebrate
at the Coral Bar!"
"No, no, I don't believe you. You were a shark when I last saw
you, and I know what tricks sharks will play to get a meal. Go
away!" called Christian.
"I'm not a shark any more ... I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
No One Will Notice
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/pic3.htm
">Click</a>
http://www.j-j-c.net/pic3.htm
Anatomy 101
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">Click</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor.
The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who
has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.
The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I
was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't
mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends
who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of
those white tipped canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over
the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If
you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned
around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it
finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she
explained.
"Oh, and it took a while to fix it," said the passenger.
"Not exactly." replied the stewardess, "It just took us a bit to
get a new pilot here."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Funny Cow
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Tweety...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A film on a flight carrying the Canadian Prime Minister
was pulled when a scene featuring a topless woman in a
thong appeared.
The Robert De Niro film 15 Minutes was playing on Jean
Chretien's flight to a summit in Madrid.
The order to stop the film came from the front of the
plane where Chretien and his wife Aline were sitting.
A member of Chretien's entourage reportedly picked
the film without seeing it first.
The Winnipeg Sun says 15 Minutes was replaced by Black
Knight, a violent comedy about a man transported to
medieval times.
On board the seven-hour flight were Foreign Affairs
Minister Bill Graham, business leaders and 15 journalists
on their way to the Canada-European Union summit.
[So tits are out...but violence is okay!]
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A young couples new baby boy was born with no eyelids.
The plastic surgeon told them he could construct their sons
eyelids with the skin from his circumcision.
After the surgery the new parents asked the doctor if their
son's new eyelids would work properly.
The doctor said, "They will work just fine except..."
The parents asked "Except what doctor?"
The doctor said "He might be a little cockeyed."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] M I R R O R M I R R O
R [||||]
Halle Berry, Denzel Washington, Cameron Diaz and Luke Wilson join the
cattle call in People Mag's "Most Beautiful People," their annual
homage
to the unbridled vanity and misplaced emphasis on skin deep attributes
that rank among the bed rocks of America's cultural heritage.
(People)
Once again missing the cut by the width of his "Love You Mom" tattoo
was
Ozzie Osbourne, unavailable for comment but said to be devastated.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an
unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax
from her navel.
Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How
did this happen?"
Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend
likes to eat by candlelight."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Our Friendship Story.
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Me & you...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Having just finished reading a story to my fourth grade class, I decided to
check the students' knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used.
"Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" I asked.
Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.
After a few more silent moments, I decided to give them a hint,
"Adolescent:
it's something all of you are, and I am not."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice
said, "Virgins?"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A salt with a dead weapon.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
May 6, 2002
5. Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein had no comment concerning the death of
Linda (Deep Throat) Lovelace this week, but Bill Clinton has declared a
national day of mourning.
4. "I really like those autopsy photos of Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes,"
said Benito Mussolini from the 3rd level of hell. "Keep 'em coming."
3. J.K. Rowlings can't finish the new Harry Potter book so it's publication has
been postponed till O.J. fesses up.
2. Mariah Carey has been voted the pop act people would most like to kick off
the planet but they still won't cancel "Friends."
And the number one people going to hell this week?
1. Everyone who got a free subscription to "Disinfotainment Today."
[Starting TOMORROW in Purehumour]
PIZZA FROM HELL
You can help support the war in the mideast. Go here and order a kosher pizza
to be delivered to an Israeli soldier on patrol.
QUOTES FROM HELL
According to the Washington Post, when Ozzy Osbourne was asked by a reporter
what he wanted to say to the president at the White House Correspondent's
dinner, he responded, "I hengh heenth hunh president denngh hmmhmme
heng."
"All our strengths were born as fears."
- Noah benShea -
"Nonsense is nonsense but the history of nonsense is scholarship."
- Elie Wiesel -
"Well behaved women never make history."
- The Sweet Potato Queens -
"So what's the problem?"
- Michael Jackson on the crisis in the Catholic Church -
LESBIAN FROM HELL
After Rancho Bernardo High school passed a rule against girls wearing thong
underwear, administrator Rita Wilson forced girls to lift their clothes and
show her their underwear before allowing them to attend a dance.
BIOLOGICAL COINCIDENCE FROM HELL
Despite the fact you'd kill them if you found them in your bathtub,
"Spiderman" and "The Scorpion King" are the number 1 &
2 films in the country.
QUIZ FROM HELL
Violence will continue in the mid-east until...
a) Israelis feel safe.
b) Palestinians feel safe.
c) both Israelis and Palestinians feel safe.
Congress just passed a resolution stating that...
a) only Israelis have the right to feel safe.
b) only Palestinians have the right to feel safe.
c) both Israelis and Palestinians have the right to feel safe.
ANSWERS: c) and a). Congress wants the violence to continue.
HORNHOUND FROM HELL
Want to be the star of "The Bachelor 2" on ABC? Just call (866)
739-3150.
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
Put That in your Pipe Bomb and Smoke It
Blowing up innocent people
Has quickly become dclass
Put that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face away.
Anonymous vengeance is awful
No matter what you have to say.
Put that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face away
How did your friends use to call you?
Can idiot come out and play?
Put that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face away.
You can turn into an artwork
Your brains can look like a Monet.
Put that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try blowing your own face away.
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/