<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Apologies to my subscribers on AOL...yesterday's issue contained
a strange character that caused it to be rejected by many AOL subs...
yesterday's issue can be found in my archives at:
<a href="http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj">Archives</a>
I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes trying to come up with
something smart or funny for today's opening...and guess what...
the mind is blank! Ever have that happen...stop to think and just
can't get restarted again? So to heck with an opening...lets just
get to the jokes!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, The Posens, Stan,
Barb, Aimee, Jamie, Di Ann, Barbara, Ruth, John.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Captain in trouble...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.627
">Captain in
trouble...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.627
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
Today's issue is brought to you by:
America's military men and women are risking their lives
to protect your rights. Show the world how much these
brave young men and women mean to you. Get one for
yourself and a FREE one is shipped to a service personnel
overseas to show your support for them!
<a href="http://www.vidbidness-partners.com/t.asp?id=1101&p=victory.html">Click</a>
http://www.vidbidness-partners.com/t.asp?id=1101&p=victory.html
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one
stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple
should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by
streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take
on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that
he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to
room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make
that five."
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
LIKE MY LIST?
Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?
Vote Now :
<a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0
">Vote for Me!</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Anni and Sam were getting up in age. One day they appeared at the
local clinic and asked for HIV testing.
Their doctor looked at them with shock and said "But you've been
together for so long...why would you need testing now?"
Anni replied, "Well we just saw an ad on TV that said you should
be tested after annual sex!"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
The poll continues....
Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn."
-Hal Borland
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Just the truth...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.628
">Just the
truth...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.628
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An old Jewish beggar was out on the street with his tin cup.
"Please sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare
seventy three cents for a cup of coffee and some pie?"
The man asked, "Where do you get coffee and pie for
seventy three cents?"
The beggar replied, "So who buys retail?"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Tali-Tubbies
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-5&R=2-10-1 ">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-5&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A classic with a twist!
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia and
a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese
businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She
saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his
hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the
people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863.", The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you
should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country,
knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs." "Who said that?"
she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna
puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who
said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little
shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you. " Suzuki
frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit
to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the
teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"
and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery!
<a href=" http://www.qksrv.net/click-629726-1194345
">Click</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition.
My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month
old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"
She said "Give him some vegetables."
It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as
much as I loathe you
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
--okay--I'll see if you have a better solution to this than all
the things I've tried--so far--
I'm retired; have been for 10 years-married a few months back to a
divorcee 9 years my junior--she's 61--she has brought into the marriage
the "relative" sarcasm that she had to use with her previous
husband--she
is so used to doing "that", that she doesn't realize that she is
doing it
with me--anytime I surface it--she becomes annoyed--I have the
"inclination" that I should just "wait it out " and let her
see that I
truly love her and try to not let it annoy me for now--but quite
honestly--it tests me--whatcha think ?
-Stan
]~[
Dear Stan the Man...
You old codger! 70 years old , and still pounding the ...er..pavement? Hell,
man, be thankful! Seriously, though, I have always said, LAY IT ON THE TABLE.
You married this woman (you should have straightened this out first, but too
late now)...I would suggest, you should just say, "look, this really bugs
me,
and I'm sick of it. Now what are you going to do about it?" And go from
there.See how she reacts, and act accordingly. It's not going to change if you
"wait it out" though, I'll lay money on that. Do whatever is
necessary for your
happiness,and hers.But I say again, lay it on the table. We're all grown here,
aren't we? In fact, I have a growth on my... well, that's neither here nor
there.Good luck, Pops, and let Aggie know how it turns out!
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
They're in for a suprise...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.629
">They're in for
a suprise...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.629
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Morris went to his lawyer Birnbaum and told him, "My
neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up.
What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," Morris replied.
"Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the
$1000 he owes you," said the lawyer Birnbaum.
"But it's only $500," Morris insisted.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will
then have the proof we need to nail him."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty
junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and
said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child." "Please forgive
me,"
responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Restaurant Signs
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-6&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-6&R=2-10-1
---------------------GUS SHULTZ DIARY------------------------
Okay, this is the second week of my diary and it is more exiting than last
weeks for sure. The best thing that ever has happened to me happened to me
last Friday when I met Pamela Lee Anderson who use to be on Bay Watch and
now is a claimed actress. She is my very favorite actress of all time and
when I saw her outside the movie theetre down town I ran right up to her and
I asked her to autograf my motorcycle helmet and she smiled at me with all
her white teeth and said yes. Her things are even bigger when they are right
in front of you ha ha. She asked me what my name was and I was so exited
that I forgot my name and so I had to make one up and so I said my name
is
Benwa Balls and she looked at me really funny and I felt really really
stupid. She signed the autograf To Benwa Balls With Lots Of Love And Kisses
Pamela Lee Anderson. Now I am thinking of changing my name to Benwa Balls
becauze when peeple see my helmet they call me Benwa anyway. Lots of other
memorable stuff happened to me this week but I don't remember any of it
right now.
Gus Shultz was born in New York City in 1958. He has been
writing columns since hitting puberty in 1976. More columns
by Gus at:http://www.gravetimes.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Lil' Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Lil' Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise,
please don't feel that you have to keep yours.
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features...
all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now:
<a href="http://www.hosthub.net/purehumour">Hosting</a>
http://www.hosthub.net/purehumour
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:
* The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows
how to play one.
* People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait
was used to catch 'em.
* The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
* Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.
* A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-
wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole
it couldn't get out of."
* The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
* In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.
* Baptism is referred to as "branding".
* There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic
tank.
* Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
* High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to
howling.
* People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.
* The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
* The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with
the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
* The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
* And of course... if the pastor has fewer teeth than Leon Spinks!
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Flipping the bird...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.630
">Flipping the
bird...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.630
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A two-year-old boy from London has been sent a 60
demand for a parking fine.
The only 'car' James Reilly owns is a red and yellow
plastic one with pedals.
His mother Amanda, who doesn't own a car, says council
staff threatened her with court action. Officials have
now apologised.
The demand from Camden Council stated that a white
Lada had been illegally parked and James was liable for
the fine, the Evening Standard reports.
Ms Reilly says: "I thought that, once I told them that
James was only two and I had never had a car, they would
just cancel the demand. "
"But it was utterly unbelievable. When I told the woman
on the other end of the line that the person the letter
was addressed to was my toddler son, she asked if I had
proof of James's age."
She says council staff asked her to visit the town hall
with documentary proof, or risk going to court.
Ms Reilly says: "If the council really want to spend all
that time and money putting a two-year-old in the dock,
then they might as well go ahead and embarrass themselves."
Camden council has now admitted the mix-up and apologised to
Ms Reilly.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A tenant in an apartment house phoned the police that there was a fight
going on in the apartment right over him. So when the policeman arrived
at the upstairs apartment, he heard furniture being thrown around and
signs of a good old family brawl. He rapped on the door with his night
stick and the door was opened by a very determined and disheveled woman.
"Who's head of the family here?"
"You just wait a minute and I'll tell you. That's what we're trying to
settle inside.
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] M U S H C R U S H -- Wildlife and pooch protectors
are up in arms over Disney's "Snow Dogs" which glorifies Alaska's
annual
Iditarod dog sled race that routinely runs the pups into the ground with
fatalities not uncommon. (USA Today)
Yesterday, Herr Eisner spotted Pluto and Goofy in a picket
line surrounding his Burbank bunker.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head
on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
This is the WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS BOOK! Get it now
before it is banned...See why US Senators have been trying to
block the sale of this book...learn the secrets of the pros...that
NO ONE wants you to know! It is all here...and the price has
never been lower!
<a href="http://www.dangerousbooks.com/at.cgi?a=167561">Click</a>
http://www.dangerousbooks.com/at.cgi?a=167561
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
New voting system...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.636
">New voting
system...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.636
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Thrill your friends (and enemys) with some trivia...
1) What occurs more often in December than any other month?
2) What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
3) Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
4) Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name?
5) If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
6) What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers & laser
printers all have in common?
7) What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
8) There are more long distance phone calls on this day than any other day
of the year. What day is it?
9) There are more collect phone calls on this day than any other day of the
year. What day is it?
10) What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most
ironic?
11) What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
Answers:
1) Conception
2) No theme song
3) Their birthplace
4) Obsession
5) One thousand
6) All invented by women
7) Honey
8) Mother's Day
9) Father's Day
10) He was allergic to carrots
11) Snoop in your medicine cabinet
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
A little old man shuffles slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawls painfully
onto a stool,
and orders a banana split.
The waitress asks, "Crushed nuts?"
He replies "No, arthritis."
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
January 14, 2002
Getting any lately? News, that is. Boy, there's plenty over here. If no news is
good news and this week was bad, it's all because that's the way Satan likes
it, got it? Good.
- Helen -
10. President Bush choked on a pretzel on the same day that unacceptable levels
of water were found in the nation's cyanide supply. Coincidence? I don't think
so.
9. In a brave new marketing scheme, Warner Brothers insists the new Bruce
Willis film will be left in a cave in Afghanistan for North Alliance soldiers
to find and release on Australian television.
8. Kudos to the meticulously shredded Enron records. There are tests to see if
shredded documents were signed in blood but do you think they're being done?
Nope. Write your congressman today, unless you think it's just me taking
advantage of every chance I get to use the word "shred" in a
sentence. What, you think people don't own percentages of words? Get over it.
7. Why did Colombian President Andres Pastrana issue a second ultimatum this
week to the country's largest rebel group? How else could they get
"Starlight Express" to finally close?
6. A "donut" virus attacks a Microsoft operating system on the same
day that Elizabeth Taylor's dog "Sprinkles" is run over by a tractor.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
5. Ralph bin Laden (no relation), a retired architect, owns 75% of the Brooklyn
Pretzelworks.
4. They found the single genetic mutation that causes lactose intolerance but
they can't find a G-spot with a divining rod. Dumb scientists. More to come.
3. Which gameshow will triumph, ABC's "The Chair" or Fox's "The
Chamber?" Makes no difference to Beelzebub who owns them both.
2. An Afghani walked into a bar with a penguin on his head. The bartender said
"Where did you get that?" and the penguin said "Pakistan,
they're all over the place."
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. Conan O'Brian got married, leaving hundreds of heartbroken and lovesick
young virgins in his wake.
Personal to Count Nostromo: Renounce your title and admit to the Duchess that
you're the one who switched the pills.
Personal to Duke Snider: What the hell do you expect me to do about it? I'm not
your nursemaid. Get a grip.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
The Xbox video game console price of 34,800 yen times Playstation 2 plus 800
people treated at the hospitals nearest the World Trade Center divided by 2,000
illegal immigrants working at Tyson Foods equals 13,000 episodes of the
"Today" show divided by every Redskins fan who mourns the end of the
Schottenheimer era .plus $350,000 per month the ex-Mrs. Kirk Kerkorian contends
is required to keep their 3-year-old little girl, Kira, living in the style to
which she is accustomed.
PROPOSAL FROM HELL
Sell insurance by the gallon instead of by the year. Add an insurance tax to
the price of gasoline and drivers will never have to deal with the DMV or car
insurance companies again. Split the tax between the consumers and the
providers. Everybody who drives will be automatically insured and registered.
Those who drive the most will pay the most, and if you want to save money on
your insurance, all you have to do is drive less. There would be NO MORE
uninsured drivers. Period. Everyone who buys gas is automatically insured. No more
monthly payments of hundreds of dollars. All it takes to be completely insured
for the road is the price of a gallon of gas. No more arresting people for
driving without insurance. Police can focus on other things. Create a single
monopoly out of the DMV and all the major insurance companies in which every
single transaction is taken care of at the pump. Make the tax 100% earmarked to
the bureaucracy that deals with payment of claims, which are all no-fault.
-Satan's Platform for President -
Eliminate the Middleman
Vote Satan in 2004
PALESTINIAN PROPAGANDA FROM HELL
"Jimmy Neutron - Goy Genius"
QUIZ FROM HELL
I would rather:
a) watch network news
b) shove a fork in my eye
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Companies come and go. It's part of the genius of capitalism."
-Paul O'Neill, U.S. treasury secretary, on the collapse of Enron.
"Buildings come and go. It's part of the genius of architecture."
- Frank Lloyd Wright, gallery slave at the 2nd level of hell, on the collapse
of Enron -
AUDITION FROM HELL
"Puppetry of the Penis" is putting together a touring company. Call
the Penis Audition Hotline at 212-592-4623 or send an email to
puppetryauditions@hotmail.com and be prepared to turn your penis into the
Eiffel Tower.
DUH!
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said Sunday that the United States is
safer.
Terrorism is "all acts of aggression committed by individuals, groups or
states against human beings, including attacks on their religion, life,
intellect or property"
- Islamic scholars at a conference in Saudi Arabia -
"The dogs were looking at him funny."
- Ari Fleischer -
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/