<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Once more I am taking an extended break for the weekend...there will
be no issue of Purehumour tomorrow (Friday) and Weird News Weekly
and PHWeekly will not be published for the next two weeks. Purehumour
will run Tues to Thurs next week with no issue Friday. Once the next
two weekends are done...I think (and that is a stretch) that I will be
back to a regular schedule once more! The month of April has been
one of the busiest months for me ever...I have been on the road every
weekend in April and I have had just about all I can take. This coming
weekend puts me into Regina, Saskatchewan...certainly NOT the travel
mecca for anyone! <good thing that people from Saskatchewan cannot
read or else I may end up in serious trouble with a comment like that!>
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Liz, The Posens, Pat,
Keli, Rubin, Pastor Barry, Barb, Michael, John, Marina, Tom.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at
the Pearly gates. St Peter explains that only one can get
through and that they each have to put forward their case
for entry.
Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've
made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the
most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of
heaven and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making
heaven a happier place to be."
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world.
I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the
archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know,
Pete, if you look good you will feel good and that will make
heaven a happier place."
"Not bad," says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"
The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her
skirt, pulls down her knickers, shoots a full bottle of water
into her vagina and lets it gush all over the floor.
"Excellent! You're in!" says St Peter.
"Hold on a minute!" says Freddie. "She didn't even say
anything!"
"Fred, you know the rules," says St Peter. "A royal flush
beats a pair of Queens."
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A business man packing for a trip glances in his
briefcase.
"Honey?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do
you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase
every time I go on a trip? You know I only have
eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she
replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know,
with all those terrible diseases out there, it
would make me feel better to know that if any-
thing did happen, you'd be protected. So please,
darling, take it with you, won't you? For my
peace of mind?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he
relented, "I'll do it for you. But for safety's
sake, give me more than one!"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
In marriage do thou be wise: Prefer the person before money, virtue before
beauty, the mind, before the body; then thou hast a wife, a friend, a
companion, a second self.
-William Penn
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Gimme a break...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Manly Code Of Ethics
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate."
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may
be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend,
mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant,
or dog walker, you need not and should not provide
any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very
existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family,
you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50
percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone
within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT.
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the
allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his
sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for
another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a
woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every
point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10
scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the
temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present
for another man. In fact, even remembering a
friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly
gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe
your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal
duty. Should you get carried away with your good
deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal
is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor
party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask
his permission and he, in return is required to
grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be
treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge
of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing
clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem ---
you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you
move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's
cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's
girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You
are not required to make nice with her gal pal's
significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding
is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports
event, you may always ask the score of the game in
progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix
her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give
her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn
your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink
only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and
it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's
free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed
woman must remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk
to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception:
If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused
you to think, "What this guy needs is a good
ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man
while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon,
give me one more!" "Harder!" "Another set and we
can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a
Sagittarius?"
25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the
last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just
plain mean.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better
be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy,
except when she's withholding sex pending your
response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're
on equal footing: either both urinating or both
waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is
all the conversation you need.
29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in
the car, you may not join him...too gay.
30. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his
girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is
able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and
deliver a "FUCK OFF!", you are absolved of your of
responsibility.
31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly
"just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex,
the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no
reason not to nail her again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was.
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
If Dads Were In Charge
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the
empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open
stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting
at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the
officer with a cheery "Good morning."
"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the
officer. "Having trouble taking off?"
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having
a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little
tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted
something a little more exotic. After some discussion,
they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that
Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy
and ended up in Venice.
On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows
and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a
young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires
made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them
dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and
decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached
a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first-
sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. Our vampires are
now fairly full but decide to get dessert.
In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As
with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry
and tossed over the rail into the canal. The vampires decided
that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to
head back home.
As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing.
They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they
listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They
looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under
the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator
sang, ...."Drained wops keep fallin' on my head"..
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
I met a man that is into nudity. I
know he is slowing trying to convince
me that joining NUDIST CAMP IS FUN
AND HEALTHY and its a family thing. But
I just don't plain believe in that way of
life. We are planning on getting married
in a few months. Have any suggestions for
me....thank you....
not NAKED IN NC
]~[
Dear Nekkid...
You're gonna marry someone whose lifestyle you
dislike? In just a few months?
Hmmm. Go ahead. You will just go diving into an
empty swimming pool or something soon enough anyway,
Brainiac...
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Thats gotta hurt...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming
from the class, and she discovered Little Johnny with
a cat up his sweater.
She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Johnny started crying. "I woke up this morning
to hear the postman tell Mommy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy
today!"
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle
from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the
car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and
Mrs. Balls
... luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Bricklayer
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--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
Is their blinker malfunctioning? Are they traveling around the world to
the right? Are they deaf and blind? (That would explain why they
are not turning that slowly.) Perhaps they are driving slow because they
are trying to figure out what the hell that clicking noise really is.
Or are they just intentionally being rude? Have they appeared here in
front of me just to ruin my day?
If I walk along in the mall and yell back over my shoulder that I am going to
turn into the Gap, but then I don't, wouldn't that annoy the people behind me?
If I further announced I was going to turn into the Orange Julius, but then I
don't, wouldn't they get a bit irritated? If I went on to say I still
intended to turn, perhaps into Sears, or maybe the restroom, what do you think
they would do?
They will look at you funny. They will say things about you. They
will call security. Security will not understand that you are researching
an hypothesis on driving behavior. I am thrown out of the mall.
But, I digress.
Eventually they will turnand odds are pretty good it will be opposite what the
blinker suggests. Look at them funny and say things about them.
Gesture if you will. But don't call securitythey already know me too
well.
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A priest gets a flat tyre fixed. As the car's coming down on
the hoist, the priest asks the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts
tight ?"
The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's pussy."
The priest frowns and says, "You better give them another
turn then."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided
to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A dog has survived a 40ft fall after jumping out of a
third-floor window to try and catch a squirrel.
Leo the Labrador was sitting in a flat in Brighton with
his owner when he spotted the squirrel in trees.
He pushed open the window with his nose and jumped, missing
the tree and landing on the pavement.
The Evening Argus says owner Colin Rowland found him lying
motionless and feared the worst.
Leo cut his back leg in the fall. Vets expect him to make
a full recovery. Mr Rowland thought he was dead.
Mr Rowland, a joiner from Hove, believes his dog survived the
fall because he takes part in monthly dog agility classes.
He remembers watching Leo's tail disappear through the window
and expected to find him dead.
Mr Rowland said: "I shouted but it was just too late. I felt
really sick. All I remember thinking is that I would have to
scrape him off the pavement.
"I picked him up and laid him in the back of the car and he
just collapsed. I though he was a goner. He was in shock and
I didn't know if he'd done some internal damage."
When he arrived at the vet's Leo still hadn't moved a muscle.
Mr Rowland said: "Then he sat up and noticed all the nice
ladies and began jumping up and running around. I felt like a
fraud. He's a miracle."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a
young boy who was masturbating.
"My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You
should be
saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes,
Father."
About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his
early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me
masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving
it
for when I get married," said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the
priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup
truck.
Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] P O R K R E P O R
T [||||]
Members of the Florida Hiway Patrol will be denied a $500 performance
bonus if they're found to be more than 15 pounds overweight.
(USA
Today)
Or, if bike cops, their motorcycles can't be seen.
BONUS!
[||||] S C O R E B O A R D [||||]
Boston 80, Chicago 26, Cincinnati, 20, New York 36 and Philadelphia 40.
(US News)
Football scores? Don't we wish. Priest pedophiles exposed over the
past 20 years.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
For the women:
I wanna be a bear!!!! A Female Bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six
months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to
eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear,
everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If
your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If
you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wanna be a bear.
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Padding the Bra...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
What if some famous movies were remade to fit into today's pop culture?
Instead of being in boring old English they'd be written in Ebonics.
I've taken the liberty of translating a few easily identifiable movie
quotes into this new language for your reading pleasure.
"Luke, I'm your father."
Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy."
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"
Ebonics: "Later, bitch!"
"To be or not to be? That is the question."
Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Shiiit"
"I'll be back."
Ebonics: "I's a fixin' to bust a cap in yo ass."
"We're off to see the wizard."
"We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo."
"I am Spartacus."
Ebonics: "Who da fuck is Spartacus?"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
At my last divorce hearing, the judge looked at me just before he
signed the papers and said, "Don't do this again."
I still don't know whether he meant get married or get divorced.
To be safe, I've done neither.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Oversights & Pearly Whites
by Dave Glardon
It's been said that the only difference between genius
and stupidity is that genius has its limits. Some of
us do more than our fair share to prove the validity
of that statement.
Not long ago, I read about a woman who stumbled to the
bathroom, reached into the medicine cabinet, and took
out a bottle of what she assumed to be eye drops. Had
she taken a moment to read the label, she'd have seen
that it was a bottle of super glue.
I remember thinking, "How stupid! Who would put
anything in their eyes without being certain of what
it was? She's lucky it wasn't well okay, maybe
she's not so lucky." At least she didn't do any
permanent damage to her eyes, though the prognosis for
her ego is pretty grim.
I thought about this a few days ago as I was brushing
my teeth. I remember thinking, "This stuff sure is
foamy. Colgate never foams up like that. And what's
that taste?"
Okay, we all know it wasn't toothpaste. I keep a few
personal care products in my desk at work, and was
freshening up for a visit to my doctor. I was in a
hurry, and didn't take time to read the label. If I
had, you can rest assured I would not have brushed my
teeth with hydrocortisone.
Hey, I've never been accused of being a genius.
Besides, it could have been worse. There are a lot of
other things in our medicine cabinet. Had I been
home, I may have used Ben Gay. I bet it has a nice
minty flavor.
Whose idea was it to put rash cream in a toothpaste
tube anyway? It was probably the same people who
decided to use similar cans for hairspray, deodorant,
and insecticides. Be careful what you spray under
your arms.
Alright, so most of us pay a little more attention to
what we smear on our toothbrush. It could have
happened to anyone. Not that anyone else would admit
to it, but my job is to make people laugh.
Still, you have to wonder who in their right mind
would put styling mousse and hair removal foam in
identical containers. Make a mistake with this stuff,
and you'll look like Sinead O'Connor.
And medicine bottles are just as bad. Ear drops, eye
drops, and nasal spray all come in the same kind of
container. Shoot the wrong one up your nose and see
how red your eyes get.
And the problem isn't limited to the medicine
cabinet. I once sold a car to a friend, and two days
later he wanted his money back. Seems he pumped all
the fluid out of the clutch reservoir, and refilled it
in the dark.
He knew he had the right stuff by the shape of the
can. Oh, did I forget to mention that brake fluid
cans are also used for bug & tar remover?
But in all fairness, there are only so many different
types of containers available. Besides, when it comes
to stupidity, some people are exceptionally gifted.
I had a friend in the Navy who set his kitchen on fire
by trying to soak baked beans out of a pan with
chlorine bleach.
Okay, so it wasn't bleach. His wife had filled an
empty bleach bottle with gasoline for the lawn mower.
Did she leave it outside? No, she set it in the
laundry room.
He smelled gas and thought the bleach had reacted with
the dish detergent. He even called to tell me of his
discovery. The last thing I heard was, "Hold on and
I'll see if it burns."
I guess the moral of the story is to keep things in
the right container, and be sure you know what you've
got before you put it in your eyes, mouth, or hair.
And just to be on the safe side, it's best to keep
matches out of the reach of idiots.
I've learned my lesson. Never again will I be so
stupid. This is what I'm thinking as I gingerly apply
the hemorrhoid ointment. Then I see the unopened tube
of ointment in the medicine cabinet. What's it doing
there? Even more importantly, where's that tube of
bathtub sealant?
2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved
--
Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense
of the nineties. You can visit his Website at
http://www.daveglardon.com