<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
You just have to love Manitoba in the spring! The weather is so
incredible! After a rather mild winter...March arrived and temperatures
plummeted well below normals...then the winds began to blow...but
this weekend changed all that. On Friday record highs were recorded
across our fine province...our high temperature on Friday was about
22C (72F)...just beautiful...then this morning we wake up to a fresh
dumping of snow and a temperature of -1C (30F). Time to unpack the
winter clothes and put away the summer stuff!
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Melissa, Stan, Terri,
Ishy, Rubin, Barb.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Where else can he be?
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.924
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.924
Going out..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.925
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.925
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
Today's issue is brought to you by:
Real people...real cameras....24 hours per day...right into
your house! Watch what really goes on behind closed doors!
This is NOT a porn site...this is where YOU go to meet and
be with people with similar interests...chatrooms, message
boards and much more!
<a href=" http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932
">Click</a>
a href="http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice
that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This
was particularly interesting, because the institution already
had a "Lord Nelson."
The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put
the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of
their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would
help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for
the two men might react violently to one another, but they were
introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard
from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient
and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor,
I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that
I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?"
Smiling coyly, the patient replied, "I'm Lady Nelson."
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
LIKE MY LIST?
Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?
Vote Now :
<a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0
">Vote for Me!</a>
------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the
other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life
and is still very active. The other man confesses that his sexual appetite
has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any
secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my
secret. If
you just eat Jewish rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He
tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of Jewish
rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us
to
slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "how come everyone knew about this but
me."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
With weather like this...there must be one!
Check it out:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper."
-Scottish Proverb
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Strange beliefs...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.926
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.926
Drunk tree??
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.927
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.927
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings
tears to your eyes.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
General Science Trivia Game -
Test your knowledge of general science
information, ranging from biology to physics!
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.32
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A synagogue had just opened for business while at the same time a
Catholic church opened across the street. After some time the Rabbi
noticed that a convent had been added to the church, More time later
a Catholic school was built, then a gymnasium.
Concerned the Rabbi called together his staff and expressed his concern,
"We've been here the same amount of time as our neighbors and look,
they've grown while we still have our same small temple - what are we
doing wrong?"
And so it was decided, they'd send Morris to attend a service on
Sunday and check out what was going on over there.
Sunday comes and all the men from the congregation are peeking thru the
windows as Morris enters the church. Not 15 minutes later and Morris
comes flying across the street, yelling and waving his arms.
"So what happened?" says the Rabbi
"Oy, you wouldn't believe it" says Morris "I go into the church,
I sit down,
then from the left a guy in a dress comes out unto the stage and he's chanting
"I can play dominoes better than you can - I can play dominoes better than
you
can", then from the right of the stage some young boys swinging incense
followed by another guy in a dress starts chanting "I bet you don't
- I bet
you don't" then back and forth they go "I can play dominoes
better than you
can - -I bet you don't", then from outta' the back four men in black suits
come down the aisles and pick up the bets !!!"
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html
">Click</a>
------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Anni: How's your husband Greg doing?
Keli: Well, right now he's suffering from cranial-
anal conjunction.
Anni: Ohmigod! What's that?
Keli: He has his head up his ass.
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
You know you're getting over the hill when; the "sugar plum fairies"
dancing in your head are replaced by the "sour prune fairies"
rumbling
in your gut.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie..
I have such a dilemma! My wife won't make love to me...
because she thinks I'm a typical male and all i ever want
is "it." My girlfriend always wants to make love and have
sex anywhere !! My wife ignores me...My girlfriend is all
over me like a (good) rash.
My mistress wants me to leave my wife and marry her .. NOW! My
other girlfriend thinks she is "the only other woman" and is
jealous of my wife even though she knows we hardly ever screw...And my Internet
lover whom I've met only once and
shagged her silly...well she wants me to spend more time with her!
So tell me .. How is it possible that four other women want me
almost nonstop and exclusive.. and my wife isn't interested ??
Signed..
Desperate n confused..
Sydney, Australia
]~[
Dear Dazed and Confused...
Are you complaining or bragging??? Does wifey cook,clean, etc? If so, much as
this lady hates to say it, leave well enough alone !
As far as why wifey isn't interested and so many others are...do you say things
like "put your head under the covers, honey, I'm gonna spit straight up!
"
then fart?
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
AM PM ??
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.928
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.928
I want it back...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.929
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.929
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class:
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative.
However," he continued, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh,
no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those." The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay
required a visa. When the travel agent told him this , he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my
American Express or MasterCard.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Politics Trivia Game -
Test your knowledge of political issues!
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.33
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<found on the net!>
When my husband was a student at Tennessee Temple University,
I often asked him to do errands after class, tying ribbons on
his fingers to remind him. A good sport, he didn't protest,
even though his classmates obviously noticed my little reminders.
One day he had to have a mole removed from above his ear and
emerged from the doctor's office with his head wrapped in a
white bandage. When he walked into class, everyone just stared.
Finally one student blurted out, "Whatever your wife wants you
to remember today, it must be REALLY important."
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features...
all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now:
<a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html">Hosting</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The
evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV
set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part
where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand
on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was
causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the
set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it.
The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Watch your step...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.930
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.930
Damm it, Jenkins...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.931
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.931
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
Signs at 25 Dutch campsites are being replaced because
they appear to depict a camper with an erection.
The signs are supposed to show a man carrying a stick and
mark out places where people can camp in the wild.
The Dutch Forestry Commission has decided to remove 100
signs after two civil servants produced a leaflet full of
sexual innuendos about "wild camping".
Forestry Commission Director Jan Kuiper said he doesn't find
the leaflet funny but public opinion is forcing him to remove
the signs.
He told the newspaper Algemeen Dagblad: "We have never had
complaints before. Some people don't have anything better to do.
A dirty mind is a joy forever."
People are allowed to pitch their tents within 10 metres of a
wooden post at the campsites. The only facility is a pump which
provides washing and drinking water.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
How many times have you been enjoying a beer in your favorite
bar or restaurant when you suddenly notice that your glass is
empty! What to do? The waitress is nowhere to be seen and the
bar is lined two deep with thirsty patrons clamoring for the
bartender's attention. Perspiration beads your brow as the
anxiety of going three, four, even five minutes without an-
other beer begins to gnaw on you.
What will happen? Will you die of thirst? Will you sober up?
But before speculation runs wild the waitress shows up at
your table with a brand new, ice cold, frothy beer. Is she
psychic? No. It turns out you have been drinking out of the
latest in bar technology. The "Smart Glass."
That's right, folks. A Japanese electronics company has
developed a hi-tech pint glass that tells bar staff when
it needs refilling. The intelligent glass is fitted with
a radio-frequency coil in its base that emits a signal to
a receiver set in the table when it's empty.
The iGlassware system works by coating each glass with a
clear, conducting material, enabling it to measure exactly
how much liquid has been sipped or guzzled. When empty, the
glass sends an electronic cry for more beer from the table
to waiters equipped with hand-held computers on frequencies
similar to those used by mobile phones.
This is a huge advance in the science of drinking. Now
patrons don't even have to go through the inconvenience of
ordering drinks. They can devote themselves entirely and
single-mindedly to the task of destroying their livers.
Many would say that the only obstacle left to a completely
passive experience is the necessity of getting up to go to
the bathroom. This problem, however, already has its
solution. It's called "Depends."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] A M I B L U
E ? [||||]
Legendary jeanster Levi Strauss, finally crying uncle after years of
patch pocket competish from Taiwanese sweat shops, is shuttering six of
its US threaderies and cashiering 3300 denim assemblers. (AP)
Nothing at the company has escaped the cuts. From now on Levi 501's
will be known as 498's.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who
had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town.
When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife
fell three times this week."
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
This is the WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS BOOK! Get it now
before it is banned...See why US Senators have been trying to
block the sale of this book...learn the secrets of the pros...that
NO ONE wants you to know! It is all here...and the price has
never been lower!
<a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/12.html
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
My cat had kittens..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.932
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.932
Idiot driver...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.933
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.933
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What would happen if Satan lost his hair?
There would be hell toupee.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
April 15, 2002
Another week of war for war's sake, a war with no other aim than its own
self-perpetuation. Satan's sorting hat has been busy deciding who goes to what
level, so he's been relying on his minions to oversee everything else, which
doesn't explain why you didn't get your taxes filed on time.
- Helen -
10. Shooting on "The Osbournes" had to be postponed for day when a
giant dove swooped out of the sky and tried to bite Ozzie Osbourne's head off.
9. Tom Ridge upped the terror alert to code pink this week, which means the
administration is once again trying to fuck us in the ass.
8. An Air China plane which crashed in South Korea killing 115 people was blown
off course by high winds. Pentagon officials say they are on schedule to open a
rudimentary missile shield site by 2004. Look for high winds.
7. Pamela Anderson agreed to marry Kid Rock on the same day a killer whale died
at SeaWorld. Coincidence? I don't think so.
6. There's a siege of the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. "Man,
what's the matter with those bastards?" asked Jesus Christ on a tour of
the eighth level of hell. "Oh well, I wasn't really born there anyway. And
I hear Robin Williams dumped Michael Ovitz," he pontificated. "I'm
glad I'm dead."
5. Why did Colin Powell finally agree to meet with Yasser Arafat? How else
could they get Whoopi Goldberg to leave "Hollywood Squares?"
4. The makers of "The Simpsons" apologized to the city of Rio de
Janeiro over an episode that made fun of the city and the makers of
"Family Guy" apologized to the makers of "The Simpsons"
over an episode that made fun of "The Simpsons" apologizing to the
city of Rio de Janeiro.
3. "It's just horrible that the Miss America beauty contest is facing the
threat of bankruptcy," says Adolf Hitler from the second level of hell.
"But I do look forward to Madonna's new game show on NBC," he
chuckled.
2. Ousted Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was reinstated. Hurray, hurray
hurray! (I know, who gives a fuck. Sometimes it's hard to come up with ten of
these.)
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. Al Gore came out against Republican domestic policy, then went back in his
hole without seeing his shadow, forecasting another six years of Republican
rule.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
Enron's debt could reach $100 billion. That's 100 times one billion.
FILM FROM HELL
Robin Williams stars as Benito Mussolini in "Death to Il Duce," a
wacky comedy about Adolf Hitler's plans to kill Mussolini when his plans to
conquer the world are cancelled.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"You can put out a candle
but you can't put out a fire
Once the flames begin to catch
the wind will take it higher."
- Peter Gabriel -
"Rouse yourself! Sit up!
Resolutely train yourself to attain peace.
Do not let the king of death, seeing you are careless,
lead you astray and dominate you."
- Buddha -
"There is no pity for a man who moans about living in one town and does
not move to another."
- the Talmud -
"Sometimes in life you mow the lawn and sometimes you are the lawn."
- Noah benShea -
"Security is mostly superstition."
- Helen Keller -
"The Israelis are becoming increasingly like the white supremacist South
Africans, viewing the Palestinians as a lower form of life, not hesitating to
kill a great many of them."
- Zbigniew Brzezinski -
"The Bush Administration, by not taking action in the one place in the
world where it doesn't seem inclined to put troops, and by telling the world to
eat its boots everywhere else, has made the world, and America, a far more
dangerous place than Osama bin Laden's petty dreams of global conquest could
ever have imagined."
- Geov Parrish -
"The infrastructure of life itself and of any future Palestinian
state--roads, schools, electricity pylons, water pipes, telephone lines--has
been devastated."
- New York Times -
"Our state of affairs today is self-evident, it is not a case of a
struggle between two existences, as the Israeli government would like to
portray it: either them or us. It is a question of ending an occupation.
Resisting occupation is not only a right. It is a national and human duty that
transforms us from the condition of slavery to the condition of freedom. The
shortest road to averting more disasters and to reaching peace is to liberate
the Palestinians from occupation, and liberate the Israeli society from the
illusion of controllable another people."
- Mahmoud Darwish -
"You know, [Bush's Middle East policy has] been wholly empty. He began by
saying I was going to disengage. Now he wants to micromanage the timing of the
Israeli defense forces. And I was struck watching our president with the
British prime minister. Bush is in so over his head, he looked like mini me
standing next to Shaquille O'Neal. He has no clue what he is doing."
- Paul Begala -
"Arafat received more than 80 percent of a vote in an election overseen by
Jimmy Carter. Bush received under 50 percent of the popular vote..."
- Saleh Abdel-Rahman -
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
- George W. Bush -
COMMERCIAL FROM HELL
McDonalds "Put a smile on, put a smile on, everybody come on, put a smile
on."
What rhymes with the word "on?" The word "gone?" Yep. The
word "lawn?" That too. But it takes a very special sort of
songwriting to rhyme the word "on" with the word "on." Yes,
every word rhymes with itself. It's remarkable. Every songwriter and poet on
earth can celebrate McDonald's amazing discovery. No more struggling for actual
rhymes. Need to rhyme the word "go?" Why not use "go?" It's
great. It's so easy. And the Rosetta Stone of rhyming? What rhymes with
"orange?" The word "orange," of course. Thank you
McDonalds.
QUIZ FROM HELL
George Bush left Saddam Hussein in power at the end of the Gulf War.
a) Yes.
b) No.
George Bush's son is the president of the United States.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Israel couldn't do shit without weaponry supplied by the United States.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Israel has invaded Palestinian territories.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Saddam Hussein has stopped oil exports in protest of Israel's recent actions.
a) Yes.
b) No.
This caused oil prices to go up.
a) Yes.
b) No.
George Bush's son was put in office with oil money.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Those people now have more money.
a) Yes.
b) No.
They will use this money to help their buddy George Bush.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Saddam Hussein is the largest campaign contributor to the re-election campaign
of George Bush's son.
a) Yes.
b) No.
Saddam Hussein works for George Bush.
a) Yes.
b) No.
HISTORY LESSONS FROM HELL
In March 2001, after suing the file-sharing service Napster to death citing the
need to pay artists, the RIAA asked the Copyright Office to let it avoid paying
royalties to songwriters and song publishers on its own "legitimate"
online music services.
When George Bush Sr. left the White House, he went to work for a Canadian gold
mining company (Barrick Mining) founded by Adnan Koshogi, (Biggest/crookedest
arms dealer in the world) the guy Bush pardoned as his last act in office.
"Democracy means deceive people into doing what the rich want, and markets
means make sure the public subsidize the rich."
- Noam Chomsky -
"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the
great and enduring alliances of modern times."
- George W. Bush, Tokyo, Feb 18, 2002 -
SONG FROM HELL
IF
by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/