<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Due to some personal reasons I took a break on Thursday and Friday
and also didn't publish Weird News or PHWeekly on the weekend.
These problems have been resolved for the most part. But it does
remind us that everyone has problems and that life is not perfect...
Purehumour is over three years old...and I have shared a ton of
my personal life with you over those three years...and last week I
almost packed in and shut down all my lists...it was that close!
Things were not looking funny anymore...and I hit bottom with a
huge bang! But thanks to some really good friends (both online
and offline)...and some time to think things over...things have
calmed and cooler heads have prevailed! Purehumour once again
begins to move UPWARDS....keep enjoying the fun and I will keep
on sending it to you!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Jackass, Melissa, Keli, SunAmy,
Rubin, Almero, Terri.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What is the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A hobo has no friends but a homo has friends up the ass.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Find the wolves...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would
sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would
start to say something, his wife said,
. . ."And what's that supposed to mean?"
Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a
naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband
keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
With a week like last week...I really begin to wonder!
Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in
your pocket." - Frank McKinney Hubbard
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Optical illusion No. 4.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.96
">Click Here </a>
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It's a mistake...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the
bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus.
The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the
trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to
the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair
and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over
there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana ?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till
he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch
sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man
is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go ?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened
before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling
tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when
people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The
executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair
up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the
chair.
"What is your final wish ?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the
condemned
man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The
bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the
smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner
can't believe it and lets the man go.The bloke gets his job back on the
buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on,
this time killing three of them.
He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up
all the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this
time.
The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your
packed
lunch."
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all,
skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million
trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is
still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can
still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "Its something
to do with that green banana isn't it ?" he asked.
"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Movie Trivia Game -
A wide variety of good trivia questions.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.28
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish
man who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his
son Morris to Trinity School because, despite its denominational
roots, it's a great school and completely secular.
After a month, the boy came home and said casually,
"By the way Dad, I learned what Trinity means! It means
'The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'"
The father could barely control his rage. He seized his son
by the shoulders and declared, "Morris, I'm going to tell
you something now and I want you never to forget it. Forget
the Trinity business. 'There is only one God... and we don't believe
in him!'"
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a
little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent
gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get
jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.
Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under
the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his
wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed
it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's
when he noticed his wife squirming around in her eat. "Honey," she
asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
I am desperate, I'm trying to get pregnant but no matter
how many times I suck him off I just can't get knocked up.
Have you any advice?
Blondie
]~[
Dear MUST be blonde...
Depends whether you spit or swallow. Don't put dirty pictures
into Aggies mind!
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
He has...
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Wrong shape...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and
talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my
husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the
miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked,
"Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in
the wrong box."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone
service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book
in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned
a group of the names in it and told to check them out.
After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it
became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said,
"I'm sorry, chief but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the
ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so
charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."
"Holy Ewings!" exclaimed the Chief. "I'm sure surprised at you,
Ralph.
You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are,
falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Intelligent Design Theory Trivia Game -
Test your knowledge of both scientific creationism and intelligent design
theory.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.29
">Play it</a>
-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
Mustering his courage, Sam eased out from under the bench
and crawled toward the back of the basement. Using the
whimper as a guide, he made his way to Prince and gave a low
growl.
"Sam, I'm really scared."
"I know, we're all scared."
With the silence barely broken, the other dogs began to
stir. Rex could not walk from his legs being pinned for
hours. He dragged himself with his two front paws toward the
voices.
In low whispers they all began to ask each other if they
were OK and aside from fear and cramps they were. They kept
their voices low, afraid the people might hear them
upstairs. After a brief debate they all agreed they should
stay where they are. They also agreed they were getting
hungry.
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Sam told his
friend Greg.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an
affair?" Greg suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Sam. Go ahead
and tell her about it!"
So Sam went home to Anni and said, "Dear, I think an
affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said Anni. "I've tried that - it
never worked."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
# # THINGS PRISON GUARDS HATE ! # #
* Inmates who don't flush after eating Chili for lunch.
* Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.
* Coming up with two too many after a head count.
* Having to break up a gang bang in the shower.
* Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.
* Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.
* The fact that the inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.
* Having a new neighbor move in next door that looks wa-a-a-y to familiar.
* Being on a first name basis with a serial sex killer.
* Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.
* Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to #93A44274.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Wrong turn...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.919
">Click Here </a>
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I swear...
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Get OFF!!
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A farmer in New Zealand is being inundated with
bras to decorate a fence.
John Lee began putting bras on the fence on his
farm for a joke.
Word has now spread and he is receiving underwear
from across the globe.
Recent thefts of some of the lingerie has prompted
a flood of bras from supporters of his unique fence
at his farm in Wanaka.
Passing women motorists even stop, get out of their
cars, strip off their tops and adorn his famous fence
with their bras.
Mary-Lou from Colorado, in the US, recently posted him
a pair of "black lace beauties", reports The Southland
Times.
And twice recently the 66-year-old has been presented
with bras while out for a meal.
Mr Lee said: "The Relishes Cafe chef saved me two out
the back and while I was down at the Cardrona Restaurant
the other day one of the girls brought me out three
(bras)."
But thieves raided the bra fence three times in 10 days
leaving him virtually bra-less. He is now securing his
bras to the fence using rabbit netting. He had 165
undergarments at the last count.
He added: "If these ladies keep sending me their bras I
feel honour-bound to put them on the fence."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a
marriage counselor. After a few visits and a lot of questioning and
listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He
stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.
He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least
once
a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you
want
me to bring her back tomorrow?"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] K L E P T O C O R N E R
S [||||]
Toy king Mattel is phasing out 25% of their film inspired action figures
after dismal sales for the "Last Action Hero,"
"Flintstones" and "Star
Wars" characters. (USA Today)
The Winona Ryder doll moved well but customers didn't buy it, they stole
it.
SOME BONUS' FROM THE WIT WIZARD:
[||||] C H E C K L O C A
L L I S T I N G [||||]
After only two outings, ABC has deep sixed its behind the scenes sitcom
whose plot lines featured a fictional struggling sitcom "Wednesday 9:30
(8:30 Central). (LA Times)
Fittingly, it's been renamed "Canceled 4-5-02."
--
[||||] S A C R E D S C H M O O Z
E [||||]
Vat CEO JPaul2 expressed his "unequivocal condemnation of terrorism from
whatever side it comes" and offered to send a delegation of clerics to
broker a peace treaty between the Arabs and Israelis.
(USA Today)
Just might work. Both sides would be so busy locking up their children,
they might forget about the war.
--
[||||] T H E D U D
S [||||]
Among the prime time net dreckers scheduled for immediate oblivion are
The Chair, The Court, The Job, The Mole, The Chamber, The Tick and The
X-Files. (USA Today)
Lesson here: Never name your sitcom after a noun.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home,
woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed
to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests
to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until
we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse
informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering
from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call
the funeral home now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's
not THAT sick!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Heimlich me!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot,
said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because
the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "FrenchToast..."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Did ya hear about the new dance called the mess?
You stand in one spot and just move your bowels
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Let's Blame the Lawyers
When people file lawsuits blaming large corporations for their own
stupidity, they're telling us they're not responsible for anything
they've done. In a sense, they're telling the world, they should not be
trusted, because it's the not their fault they climbed over an eight
foot fence and onto an electrical transformer, nearly killing themselves
in the process.
And yet somehow, we're supposed to believe these people should be
allowed to have driver's licenses or the right to appear unsupervised in
public. My complaint about frivolous lawsuits has always been that
people are shirking their personal responsibility in their desire for a
huge settlement.
Even Miami, Florida attorney Jack Thompson says he believes people are
responsible for their own actions. At least that's what he said in an
angry letter posted in the letters section of Overlawyered.com
(http://www.overlawyered.com).
Thompson is representing Elizabeth Woolley, the mother of Shawn Woolley,
a 21 year old Hudson, Wisconsin man who committed suicide last November.
Elizabeth Woolley blames EverQuest, a popular online game, for her son's
death.
"I believe in free enterprise," he said. "I believe that people
are
responsible for their actions."
So why do he and Mrs. Woolley want to sue Sony Online Entertainment, the
owner of EverQuest, claiming the game should have a warning label saying
it's "addictive?"
Woolley feels her son's suicide was a direct result of playing EverQuest
for hours at a time, despite being diagnosed with depression and
schizoid personality disorder.
According to a March 30 article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel,
Woolley played the game despite neurological problems it caused him. He
quit his job and ignored his family because he was obsessed with the
game. In fact, he loved it so much that he played right until a few
minutes before he shot himself Thanksgiving Day, 2001.
"Shawn was playing 12 hours a day, and he wasn't supposed to because he
was epileptic, and the game would cause seizures," Elizabeth Woolley
said. "Probably the last eight times he had seizures were because of
stints on the computer."
Woolley also told the Journal Sentinel that Shawn had problems beyond
his "addiction" to the game. After he was diagnosed with his mental
problems, Elizabeth contacted a mental health group and even tried to
get her son to live in a group home.
Despite his mental problems and seizures, she is still convinced that it
was SOE's lack of a warning label that caused Shawn's suicide. And
despite Thompson's belief that people are responsible for their actions,
he also blames SOE. In his letter, he says:
"The actions for which these corporate ghouls should be held responsible
are marketing a game that they know is addictive and is designed to be
addictive and prey on addictive personalities, with absolutely no
warnings whatsoever.
"Do you think drug pushers are responsible for their behavior? If not,
then go to Afghanistan where your anarchist, pro-drug views will be
greatly rewarded."
Never mind that Thompson's murky logic equates reporting on a lawsuit
with being a pro-drug anarchist -- I guess that makes me Timothy Leary.
Never mind that Thompson is blaming SOE for the same thing tobacco
companies do to cigarettes.
Let's overlook the fact that computer game addiction is emotional, not a
result of mind-altering chemicals. And let's also overlook the fact that
people said the same thing about Dungeons & Dragons back in the '80s,
but no one took it seriously.
And finally, let's forget that Thompson seems to think that SOE's
marketing efforts are being spearheaded by the evil undead (okay, he
doesn't really think that).
How can Thompson hold SOE responsible for their actions, but completely
ignore Shawn Woolley's responsibility for his own life? Is he implying
that drug pushers are responsible for their actions, but drug users
aren't?
Look back at Mrs. Woolley's statement. She said Shawn wasn't supposed to
play the game, because he'd had eight seizures as a direct result, that
he quit his job, and ignored his family. One can only assume that he
made these choices by himself, and that Sony never prompted him to do
it.
If this is the case, then why isn't Thompson practicing what he preaches
and holding the Woolleys to his same standard? Could it be that
encouraging people to accept responsibility for their actions doesn't
earn the same legal fees as suing large corporations?
But Thompson and Woolley aren't alone. According to Jay Parker,
co-founder of Internet/Computer Addiction, SOE is a predator who preys
on people with problems like Shawn's -- people who are isolated, prone
to boredom, lonely or "sexually anorexic," have low self-esteem, or
poor
body image are at risk for game addiction.
"(SOE) purposely made it in such a way that it is more intriguing to the
addict," Parker told the Journal Sentinel. "It could be created in a
less addictive way, but (that) would be the difference between powdered
cocaine and crack cocaine."
So if a game is fun, interesting, and appeals to the average game
player, then it's also targeted at addictive personalities? How can a
game appeal to regular gamers, but avoid hooking Parker's addicts? Maybe
game manufacturers could sponsor Public Service Announcements on TV.
Announcer: Friends don't let friends freak out and become socially
isolated. Arrive sane. Be a designated connection to reality.
To people like Parker, I'm sure everything has the potential to be
addictive. Sure there's the regular addictions, like alcohol, drugs, and
tobacco, but they have chemicals that cause psychological addiction. So
how can the Internet, television, or food be addictive? There's nothing
in those things that creates a psychological dependence the same way
drugs, tobacco, or alcohol do. The dependence is created in the user and
their emotions.
What about people who constantly wash their hands or clean their house
every day? We used to say they had an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
which could be treated with drugs and therapy.
But will people sue soap companies and vacuum cleaner manufacturers now?
After all, people use cleaning products to support their addiction. Will
we find more of Thompson's "corporate ghouls" marketing these
products
to people with obsessive-compulsive disorders with no product warnings?
Should Dial monitor the sales of their hand soap, making sure that only
mentally stable people are allowed to purchase it? How about a five day
waiting period and background check on anyone trying to buy a liquid
soap dispenser? We could demand that Eureka put warning labels on all
their vacuum cleaners, warning obsessive cleaners that using their
product might lead to carpal tunnel syndrome and lower back pain.
Or we could just have them come to my house once a week to vacuum and
dust.
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.