<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
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Nothing too funny happening here right now...so I will just get right
through to today's issue.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Jack, Di Ann, Stan, SunAmy,
Rubin, John, Tom.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you call a woman who just lost 185 pounds of useless fat?
A divorcee.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Humpty and the seasons...
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">Click Here </a>
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An ingrown hare...
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">Click Here </a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Keli goes to her doctor, complaining that Greg is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you
mean."
Keli says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In
addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger....."
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his
finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of
cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find
one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger
and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could
have a urine test done?"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"Someone is going to make your product obsolete. Make sure it's you.
"
-Dr. Edwin H. Land (Polaroid corporation filed for bankruptcy 10/12/01.
Dr. Edwin H. Land is an inventor, and the founder of the Polaroid company).
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Phone sex...
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">Click Here </a>
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Down under- up Over
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy style
Or 69.
Just for fun
Or getting paid
Everyone likes
Getting laid.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Flaps Jr. -
Direct the falling marbles into their proper slots.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.14
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out
the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights
dinner he cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring
the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A rather large lady had saved her money for a long time to be able to
afford a cruise on a ship to the Bahamas's. When she gets settled in
her cabin she goes to the dining room for her first meal on board,
and is invited to sit at the Captain's table.
As she is seated at the table a mimicking voice behind her loudly
squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"
Totally embarrassed, she turns to see a parrot on his perch behind her.
She says to the steward, "Will you "Please" get rid of that foul
mouthed beast?"
The steward replies, "I can't madam, that is the Captains parrot,
which he dearly loves."
As the meal progresses to its end the bird continues to harass the
lady with his loud squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"
The embarrassed woman finally retires to her cabin and goes into a
restless sleep.
In the middle of the night the ship sinks rather suddenly and the
lady finds herself floating in the ocean on a chest. As daylight
breaks the next morning the lady hears this loud squawk behind her,
"Aawwk, Lady! How's your Hole?"
The lady turns around to see the parrot floating on some debris
and she replies, "Aah, Shut Up!"
The parrot says, "Aawwk, Mine too! Must be the salt water!"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Shouldn't the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now?
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Ow ya doin mate
Oim from oopnorth of England and I keep been pestered by this fella frum
New York. Wot oi want to now is, am it troo that one Yank and they're off?
cos I don't wanna rip off his cock like, eh?
Confused of Wigan
]~[
Dear confused...
Yeah, well, so's yer old man ! What the heck is this Martian-trying-to-WRITE a
Scots accent???And a poor try, at that. Feel free to write again, just address
it to someone else.
Where's my cough syrup....
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The chip grows...
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">Click Here </a>
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Bass Player...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them
mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male
masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so
on there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang
terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage,
there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Josh was helping Sally, his not too bright girlfriend, clean out the
trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair
Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite
inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I
can see
that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to
blow
up one of my tires."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Palace Guard Jigsaw -
Be the fastest on the Internet as you put together the Palace
Guards.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.16
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Sam says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a
substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked Paul.
Sam replies, "Well, I got my dick stuck in the
neck of the bottle."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Poor little Cinders is in the kitchen crying when in walks her fairy
godmother who asks her what the problem is, Cinders replies
"The ugly sisters laughed at me because my clothes are poor and scruffy
and
they said I can't go to the ball"
The fairy godmother assures her that she can help and waving her magic wand
turns Cinderella's rags into a magnificent ball gown complete with gold
sequins and elegant glass slippers. Cinderella continues to cry and says
" I cant go to the ball because it is a long way to go and I don't know
how
I am ever going to get there"
The fairy godmother looks around the kitchen for inspiration and sees a
basket full of vegetables, selecting a pumpkin and four carrots she waves
her magic wand and they are transformed into a wonderful gold carriage with
four prancing horses - as a finishing touch she picks up a cabbage and a
leek and magically they become a coachman, who climbs up and takes the
reigns and a footman who opens the carriage door and indicates that Cinders
should step inside. Seeing Cinders is still crying the fairy godmother asks
her in desperation what ever else is wrong and Cinders replies
"It is the time of the month when I have my period and the ugly sisters
have taken all the sanitary towels so I still can't go to the ball"
Looking into the almost empty vegetable basket the fairy godmother takes out
an enormous marrow and with a flick of her wand turns it into a tampax
tampon which she hands to Cinders saying " There you go my dear, but
whatever you do, for fucks sake get back by midnight"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Love affair
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">Click Here </a>
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Beat that egg...
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">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.606
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
NORWICH, Conn. (Wireless Flash) -- An Connecticut-based
paper company is wiping out poor morale among American
soldiers by giving them free rolls of toilet paper printed
with Osama bin Laden's mug.
ToiletPaperWorld.com has given out more than 2500 rolls
since CEO Kenn Fischburg made the offer last month, and the
requests just keep flowing in -- some from soldiers as far
away as Korea.
He hopes the terrorist-bashing toilet paper boosts morale
for the military men and women, as well as give them some
"revenge humor."
And that's exactly what's happening. One serviceman in
Germany wrote back thanking Fischburg with a note that read:
"I had to let you know what a morale booster it is going to
be to get to wipe our fourth point of contact with bin
Laden's face."
ToiletPaperWorld.com will continue to give away the bin
Laden tushie wipes until the last roll is cleaned out of the
warehouse.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Rosy posing thoughtfully in the mirror says to Nina, "I
think I'm going to see a dietician."
Nina asked, "Why?"
Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all,
how many calories are in sperm!"
Thinking a minute, Nina said, "I really have no clue, but
if you are consuming that much of it, no guy is going to
care if you are a little chunky!"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] G O O D W R E N C H H O L L E
R [||||]
Amid mucho back patting good ol' boy hoopla, Hyundai has opened a $1
billion auto assembly plant in Montgomery, AL, joining Mercedes, Honda
and Toyota in taking advantage of the cheap land, low taxes and a
downtrodden, nonunion labor force. (AP)
Not to mention the savings on shoes, dentists, moonshine, chitlins, chaw
BONUS:
[||||] X - R A T E D C A L O R I E
S [||||]
A new video hitting the shelves next week features porn lumes Ron
Jeremy, Teri Weign and Houston demoing their favorite
recipes. (AP)
Which include "Deep Throat Turkey Pie" and "Behind the Fried
Green
Tomatoes."
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny asked his dad, after the first day of school, "Dad, whats
those big pointed things on my teacher?" pointing to his chest.
The dad replied, "Johnny they are her airbags, if the air goes out of them
she will die."
Several weeks went by and Little Johnny boy came in the house screaming
at the top of his lungs. "Dad, Dad, Dad" and the father replied.
"Boy,
What's wrong?"
Little Johnny said, "Dad, moms dying!"
His dad said, " How do you know?"
Little Johnny replied, " I came by the back door of the market and the
meat
man had Mom down on the floor squeezing the air out of her airbags and
she was screaming, 'God I'm coming!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Spooky...
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Faces
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several
people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the
congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short
yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the
reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak
to you about a circumcision for his son."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What's the definition of the ideal man?
One with a twelve-inch tongue and a broom-handle through his ears.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
April 8, 2002
10. Iraq is stopping oil exports for a month unless Israel withdraws from the
West Bank. In a similar move, Italy is stopping olive oil exports for a month
unless American priests withdraw from little boys.
9. pResident Bush described Israel's attack as a "hopeful moment."
Other hopeful moments in history: Hitler annexing the Sudetanland and Idi Amin
Dada eating his enemies.
8. Who says there have to be 10?
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
Bush's $48 billion defense-budget increase is itself larger than the entire
defense budget of any other nation.
POLITICS FROM HELL
By seeking the death penalty for accused 9/11 terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui,
John Ashcroft has given the French government grounds to withhold evidence
needed to prosecute the case.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Out of these troubled times, our fifth objective, a new world order, can
emerge: a new era, freer from the threat of terror, stronger in the pursuit of
justice, and more secure in the quest for peace."
- George Bush on 9/11/90 -
"It is strange the way the ignorant and inexperienced so often and so
unreservedly succeed when the informed and experienced fail."
- Mark Twain -
"Behind every great fortune there is a crime."
- Honore de Balzac -
"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
exhausted all other alternatives."
- Abba Eban -
"Palestinians say huge armored bulldozers knocked down homes on top of
people living in them, to widen narrow alleys so tanks could pass."
- New York Times -
"What lies ahead of you and what lies behind you is nothing compared to
what lies within you"
- Mahatma Gandhi -
QUIZ FROM HELL
If the future of the planet depended upon you putting yourself out of business,
would you...
a) go out of business and save the planet.
b) stay in business and fuck the planet.
HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL
Iran-Contra began when George Bush, then US Vice President, sent a message to
Saddam Hussein during the Iran-Iraq war to start bombing Iran. The following
weekend Saddam conducted over 300 bombing raids on Iran. Bush then offered Iran
missiles to defend itself from Iraq. The same tactic was used on Israel during
the Gulf War when Israel was offered Patriot Missiles by Bush to defend itself
from Saddam. The Patriot missiles had no effect. Saddam's Scuds got through and
Cheney later impugned Israel's integrity by falsely implying that Israel had
supplied Patriot missile technology to China.
SONG FROM HELL
FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR YOU HAVE SINNED
Forgive me Father for you have sinned
That is why I'm so chagrined
You acted holier than thou
All pompousy and piousy
While doing things so very bad
Inside of the Archdiocese
You left behind a legacy of many human wrecks
We offered up our innocence and got repaid with sex
Forgive me father for you have sinned
The answer is more than blowing in the wind
I was praying on my knees
Like I'm supposed to do
If memory serves correctly
I was even blowing you
You left behind a legacy of many human wrecks
We offered up our innocence and got repaid with sex
Forgive me Father for you have sinned
Especially on the day you had me pinned
Now I'm schizophrenic
I want to wring your neck
I know I will go to hell
while you just go to heck
You left behind a legacy of many human wrecks
We offered up our innocence and got repaid with sex
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/