<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Running behind (as usual) ...so this issue comes to you later than
normal...over the next few weeks I have a lot going on...so the issues
could be rather sporadic.
The Queen Mum was laid to rest today in Windsor Castle...after more
than a week of mourning and celebration of her life. My personal feeling
is that we should not be mourning her loss...but should be celebrating
her life. She was a dignified monarch and probably the last of the
"true"
monarchs. She lived her life as any normal person would have and she
never let her royalty go to her head. A final farewell to a true
lady...and
may the Royals now begin to realize that their time is done!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Howanich, Di Ann, SunAmy, Stan,
Rubin, Barb, Primatutu, Ishy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What do elephants and paint have in common?
They both come in buckets.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Catching a tan....
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">Click Here </a>
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Arkansas Motorcycle
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.50 ">Click
Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.50
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Hi all, I normally avoid discussing any advice received from our
broker, but felt this is important enough to share and warn you, since
this explosive situation might prove to be another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following
stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company
or the Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on
your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You
may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new
bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
THE NEAR FUTURE...The US has succeeded in building a computer
able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military
leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and in-
structed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They
describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then
ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with
the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally
they submit a second request to the computer: Yes WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
Wonder oh wonder...the answer is?
Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
Bad things are not the worst things that can happen to us. 'Nothing'
is the worst thing that can happen to us!
-Richard Bach
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Optical illusion No 1.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.90
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.90
Optical illusion No. 6.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.98
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.98
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Top 15 Least-Quoted Lines from Shakespeare
15> "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio --
hey, donuts!"
14> "Begone, jackanapes -- we have no need for badges reeking
of the waste of monkeys."
13> "If damned Spot had been put out before nightfall, methinks
the floor would be dry and sweeter fragranced
anon."
12> "Address thy discourse to the elbow, for mine hand
careth not."
11> "I beg thee, sirrah, gather up thy tongue;
'tis Pat Morita at which you gaze -- not Connie
Chung."
10> "What ho, good lord! To what end dost thou employ'st thy
time upon this goodly planet?"
"Lo; as I partake in observance of this most
excellent
spectacle of sport, I do most
heartily raise a vessel
of ale and quaff it thus."
"Verily, verily..."
9> "O insolent chad, most feebly attach'd, how thy dimpled
visage doth confound noble intention!"
8> "Come, pull my finger; so that thou may'st see
That silent things may also deadly be."
7> "A wiffle ball hit into Hamlet's crotch is the soul of wit."
6> "A horse! A horse! Of course... of course..."
5> "We are such stuff as dreams are made of
Where thy final exams commence without thy
knowledge
And thou lookest down to find thyself bereft of
pantaloons."
4> "My deeds would go unpunish'd, but for you,
Ill-mannered meddling kids, and Scooby
Doo!"
3> "I have defeated the French at Agincourt this Crispian's Day,
and hence shall hie me to Disneyworld."
2> "Thou killed my father
To get to my mother,
But here is the ringer:
Thou can bloweth me, Chester --
I'll see thee on 'Springer.'"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least-Quoted Line from Shakespeare...
1> "Cry 'havoc,' and let loose the Chihuahuas of inconvenience."
To see the daily Top 5 List, run on over to http://www.topfive.com.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Can't remember much Try this!
<a href=" http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-39&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-39&R=2-10-1
The Extraction
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http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-40&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Carlos the ice-cream man's van is parked
at the side of the road. Lights flashing,
music playing, a big queue of excited kids
stretches down the street. But there's no
sign of Carlos.
A copper walking down the road wonders
what is going on. "Where is Carlos?, Why
is he not dishing out the ice-cream?" He
goes over to the van and peers over the
high counter. On the floor he spots Carlos.
He's lying very still covered in chocolate
sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds
and thousands and those little jelly bits.
"Get back kids," he shouts. Moving away
so the bemused kids cannot overhear him
he gets on the radio to the station.
"Sarge, get someone down here quick,"
he stutters, "It's Carlos the
ice-cream man...
... He's topped himself."
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny was with his father when they stopped
by the beauty shop to pick-up his Mom. She wasn't quite
ready, so they sat down and waited.
Without any warning, Johnny goes over to his mom's stylist
and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see
your magic wand?"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
My wife put some magic back in our marriage - she disappeared!
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
<FINALLY....Aggie has made her triumphant return from her trip
to places unknown....Bruno and Aggie spent some quality time
together doing things that could only make you shiver!>
Dear Aggie:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I am 42
and he is 24. Do you think I've got a screw loose for loving
someone 18 years younger than I am? Please let me know what you think.
Thank you.
Sisaanne
]~[
Dear Sissy....
I think you're damned fortunate, is what I think!!! Don't ever let him go to
the
eye doctor for glasses, though. Also, if you should tire of him, Aggie has a
spare room....
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Suicide, The Slow Way...
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Cool Brain conflict trick....
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always
had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him
that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans
was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she
figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she
reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she
had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt
reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to
see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for
dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold
from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch
the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was
out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one
leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer
truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin
and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went
on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells
signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times
with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it,
smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her
husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she
peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed
the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests
seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
The police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down
to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed
the check off the desk and swallowed it. No problem: the police waited
five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check
twice.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Sidewalk sale
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The office pool
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">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-42&R=2-10-1
-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
The dogs that were chased from the basement were now
scattered all over the surrounding area around the farm.
Some were licking their wounds, others were just running for
no apparent reason and in no apparent direction.
Sam sat silently in the dark. He knew in his heart he was
right about the comet coming. What he didn't know was
whether they had done the right thing.
As nightfall came the dogs didn't believe it could get even
darker in the basement. The silence continued until a small
whimper could be heard from the back. Sam could tell it was
Prince, the poodle.
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give
him a
piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your
monkey."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, Greg woke
up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly
unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way
downstairs, where Keli put some coffee in front of him.
"Keli," Greg moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was
it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," Keli assured him in her most scornful one. "You
made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing
the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of
the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Keli informed him. "And he
fired you."
"Well, screw him," said Greg.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The sands of time...
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Here </a>
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Milk van...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.597
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
The Singapore Government has set up a website to help people
find out if they're addicted to sex.
Its 25 questions for men include one asking whether the user
has ever cruised around public toilets or parks seeking sex
with strangers.
It asks women if they've ever been paid for sex.
The site advises that people who answer yes to six or more of
its questions should seek treatment.
Other questions for women include "Do you regularly purchase
romance novels or sexually-explicit magazines?" and "Do you
find yourself having multiple romantic relationships at the
same time?"
Men are asked: "Has sex been a way for you to escape your
problems?" and "Do you look forward to events with friends or
family being over so that you can go out to have sex?"
The Community Addictions Management Programme site
( http://www.camp.org.sg/sexTests.cfm
) is funded by
Singapore's Ministry of Health.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Nana decides to have a facelift for her birthday, and feels pretty good
about the results.
On her way home Nana stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving,
she
asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you
think I am?".
"About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," Nana says
happily.
A little while later she goes into Mcdonalds and upon getting her order,
asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29." Nana replies, "Nope, I
am 47."
Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when
I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was,
but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your
boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence
on the empty street until curiosity got the best of Nana and she finally
says, "What the hell, go ahead,"
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to
feel around. After a couple of minutes Nana says, "Okay, Okay, how old
am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned Nana says, "That is amazing. How did you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in the line at Mcdonalds.
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] P L O P P L O P F
I Z Z F I Z Z [||||]
A Pennsylvania high school is raising money with "Cow Patty Bingo,"
selling squares at $10 a pop while Elsie deposits "beans" on a field
of
3025 squares, quantity determining the ultimate winner. (AP)
Didn't the TV networks come up with that system to decide which sitcoms
survive?
BONUS:
[||||] P L U N G I N G N E C K L I N E
S [||||]
Playboy Mag is prepping a buff photo spread featuring "The Women of
Enron." (LA Times)
Fem accountants from Arthur Anderson have already been hired to inflate
their measurements.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"
And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level,
and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack
wabby?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I
don't fink my pyfon gives a fluck!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A vampire takes a leak...
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Very narrow minded...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up
into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful
state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had
a check-up?"
"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a
Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Why did the gay guy give his lover a blowjob after sex?
He wanted to have his cock and eat it too.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Bring Back Xena Warrior Princess
I rarely do TV reviews in my columns, partially because I don't know
enough about it to be a good one, but mostly because I watch too much TV
anyway. And while TV critic is one of the only jobs I can do while
sitting on the couch in my underwear, I've been told I also do that too
much.
But after watching one-and-a-half episodes of The American Embassy on
Fox (official motto: "If animals can attack it or celebrities can box
with it, we'll air it"), I can't keep quiet. I have to speak my mind and
rant about how bad this show is.
First of all, the good news. Even though it was April 1st, the Fox
Network was not pulling an April Fool's prank when they announced the
cancellation of The American Embassy after four episodes. Of course,
this is not a great loss, since there were only six episodes "in the
can."
While some Embassy viewers may think "in the can" actually means
"in the
toilet" -- and they wouldn't be far off -- that's actually hot-shot TV
exec talk for "filmed, edited, and ready to be spoon-fed to a bunch of
mouth-breathers who are still PO'd that 'The Hank Azaria Show' got the
axe."
So why did Fox boot the show originally titled "Emma Brody?" That's
easy: It stank. It reeked. It smelled. It was rank. And it had the
lingering odor that comes from driving past a hog farm with your windows
rolled down. In other words, it was awful.
The American Embassy is -- or was -- about a bunch of beautiful
20-somethings and young 30-somethings living their dramatic, profound,
and life-shaping adventures as bureaucrats in the American Embassy in
London. Their jobs are -- or were -- to issue visas, deny visas, talk
about visas, and hobnob with English royalty when they're not messing
around with visas. The result is something nearly as tedious and painful
as a chess match between Cameron Diaz and Gary Busey.
Cameron: I take your prawn with my horsey guy .
Gary: That's pawn. And I think he symbolizes the dark-pawn shadow in all
of us.
Cameron: Um, whatever. Do you think I look pretty?
Think of Ally McBeal, Thirtysomething, and a really crappy version of
The West Wing all wound up into a politically correct diversity rainbow
at the Foreign Service Office dealing with glamorous and exciting
paperwork. And despite the attempts to make their boring and
mostly-pointless bureaucracy seem life-or-death important, it only
served as a backdrop to the 20-something angst, soul searching, and
navel gazing.
Angst? ANGST?! Why do we need yet another show about beautiful people
with all the emotional depth of a high school prom spending all their
time exploring their angst, dealing with their angst, and having deep
ruminations about their angst?
I don't want my country's bureaucrats to have angst, I want them to be
content with their lot in life. When these people are deciding whether
to grant visas to potential terrorists, I don't want angst to play a
part in their decision making! I want them to be bored, complacent, and
generally nasty.
I don't want our country's safety to hinge on how improbably-blonde Emma
Brody torments herself about whether she should go to the Prime
Minister's Barbecue and Hoe-Down with Doug Roach, the arrogant, yet
beautiful 20-something CIA agent, or Jack Wellington the selfish, yet
beautiful 20-something English Lord who's engaged to a loveless, yet
beautiful 20-something English snot.
I don't want terrorist threats to be decided while -- as I read in the
episode guide -- Emma "ponders the question: 'does romance exist in the
world'?"
Yes it does, now go stamp some visas!
One could argue that since I'm not a critic, I don't know what I'm
talking about, but there are other critics who agree with me, which
means I'm right.
One critic is Ron Martinez of the-buzz.com, who called the show ". . .
pure dread. [It] appears to be a blatant, highbrow attempt at milking
the current patriotism craze for all its worth, with a little Ally
McBeal thrown in for the needed demographic punch."
But E! Online's critic, identified only as Wanda, loved the show.
"Although it has gotten the 'Ally Goes to London' rap," she wrote on
E!'s website, "American Embassy is hardly a McRipoff." Wanda, who
seems
to be more of a puppet for the entertainment industry, also said
"Embassy has a fantastic script. . . (b)y the end of the first episode,
you'll be so head-over-heels for Emma Brody, you'll be asking, 'Ally
who'?"
I think Wanda needs a demographic punch administered to her computer
screen. While The American Embassy DID have a script, "fantastic" is
not
the word I would use for it. The word I would use starts with an S, and
ends with the termination of my columnist career if I ever put it in
print.
So, thanks to Fox for having some sympathy on its viewers for getting
rid of a show that could only result in serious brain damage to anyone
foolish enough to watch all four episodes. The only way I can watch
anything associated with that show again is if Fox's Celebrity Boxing II
features a grudge match between The West Wing's CJ Craig and American
Embassy's Emma Brody.
Emma: So Jules, there you have it. The feelings I share between Doug
Roach and Jack Wellington only reaffirm my belief that --
CJ: Whap! Pow!
Now THAT'S Must See TV.
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.