------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Pretzel manufacturers around the world are preparing for the expected
attack by the US...although Pres. Bush did laugh off the incident...we
should all prepare for the oncoming attacks. We urge you at this time
to have restraint when it comes to dealing with pretzels and do not judge
every pretzel by the few bad ones out there! Bush has warned that any
country that harbours pretzels will be treated in the same manner as
the original pretzel! Bush has advised that he will spare no expense
and will not rest until the world is safe from the scourge of pretzels...
The leaders of England, Canada, France, Russia and other countries
that have sided with the US since Sept 11 are solidly behind Bush in
this new campaign. In an interview with Purehumour...Prime Minister
of Canada Jean Cretien said something...but since we don't speak
French we couldn't understand him!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, SunAmy, Rubin, Keli,
Barbara, Ruth, Marina, John.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
NOT outside...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.617
">NOT
outside...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.617
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A slutty girl is flirting with 2 guys in a chatroom.
The first guy asks, "What state are you from?" While
at the same time the second guy asks, "What do you do
for a living?"
To satisfy them both, She replies, "Idaho
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The
straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on
the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in
that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off
the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a mov-
ing bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all
stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you
do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus
schedule."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
Since I am doing some major upgrading to my site...I haven't
had time to update this weeks poll...
Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
" Its God's responsibility to forgive the Pakistan terrorist organizations
such
as Jaish, Lashkar etc. It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between
them and god. "
- Indian Armed Forces
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
HuH!! WHat??
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.618
">HuH!!
WHat??</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.618
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
You may be a redneck wheelchair user if:
* Any part of your chair is painted camo.
* You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.
* You use deck plating, steel mesh, or motorcycle parts as decoration.
* You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries. Double points if
you don't care that it sucks your batteries dry so the chair don't move
no more!
* You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots , even though they are a bitch to put
on and you can't walk anyway.
* You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.
* You installed a gun rack on back.
* Your joystick is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer tap, or similar.
* You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.
* You have knobby mud tires- that never get dirty.
* You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a truck or hog.
* You fly the 'stars and bars' from your chair.
* You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars and bars!
* There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to your chair.
* You installed a CB behind or under your chair.
* You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.
* You found the above BarcoLounger at the side of the road.
* You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.
* There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.
* You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing or battery
compartment of the chair.
* You, while in your chair, ever made any roadkill.
* The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than the chair does.
* You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your chair.
* You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.
* You wear a 5 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as you sit.
* The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever got caught in
your wheels - but you wear it anyway.
* You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they are going to start
making wheelchairs.
* You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to hang fuzzy dice
from your chair.
* You have transported livestock in your chair. Bonus points if the livestock
was bigger or heavier than you!
* You have carried your girl in your chair and someone shouted "Hey,
Bubba's transportin'
livestock again!"
* You thought about, even for a second, trying to outrun a highway patrol
cruiser while in your chair.
* Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance plan.
* You really don't need a wheelchair in the first place, but you thought it
might help pick up
chicks.
* You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point, "now
that's a good idea!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Coke Bears Winter
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-4&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-4&R=2-10-1
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man traveling in southern Indiana was
headed for the Kentucky border ...when he
saw a large sign, , , ,
"LAST CHANCE FOR $1.25 GAS!!!"
He still had more than a quarter of a tank left,
but figured he'd better take advantage of this
opportunity to fill-up his tank.
As he was getting his change from the attendant,
he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"
The attendant replied, " $1.10 ".
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern
Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles
inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car,
so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing
into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for
assistance.
A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."
"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."
The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"
"I-75, two miles south of Standish."
A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast
were you going when you hit shore?"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
You're the best at all you do---and all you do is make people hate you.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
How do I know that my girlfriend really loves me?
]~[
Dear Doesn't know what "enter your name" means...
She swallows, that's how you know. Seriously, the best way to tell if she's
right for you is to have her meet your mother. If mom hates her, she's your
gal.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Following directions...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.619
">Following
directions...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.619
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change,
and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong
change!"
Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don't make
corrections
after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy
of this bank !"
Customer: "Well, okay. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me
twenty dollars too much. Bye. "
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to "Go
forth and multiply." He's closing the great doors of the ark
when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So
he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and
multiply."
"We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
[Ugrin is unavailable]
-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
The dog's were split on what to think. Some obediently
agreed with their owner's feelings. Others were unsure about
any of it. One had his own reasons to believe the end of the
world was indeed coming.
Sam, a 7 year old mixed breed, got up and spoke. "Forget
what the humans say! Don't pay attention to news reports and
look at the evidence for yourself!"
The dogs were silent, looking at each other for an
explanation of what Sam was saying.
[continued next week....]
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A minister, having served the same church for many years,
decided to leave and take a similar position in another
church.
Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing
a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning
to announce his resignation in church.
When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus
that called me to this church many years ago has now called
upon me to leave and serve another church."
The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Fixing the thing...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.620
">Fixing the
thing...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.620
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A box that caused a bomb scare outside a school in
Indonesia actually contained an inflatable sex doll.
The suspect package was left outside a high school in
Tangerang.
Teachers and pupils panicked when they spotted a wire
sticking out of the box.
Police found the doll inside.
Officers discovered the wire was part of the equipment
that comes with the doll, Kompas newspaper reports.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF JERKING OFF!
Do jerk off as much as you like. Don't worry, you won't go
blind from jerking off unless you shoot sperm in your eye.
Do try to put yourself in an area where you won't be caught.
Do have a place to shoot your load already set up.
Do hide your spankerchief so no one can find it.
Do jerk off in the shower as this will hide any and all
evidence of your perverted behaviour.
Do drink cranberry juice as often as you can. This builds up
your sperm count incredibly!
Do not get sperm on yourself.
Do not shoot your load on a thick rug and then try to clean it
up with toilet paper.
Do not hold your load in as long as you can in hopes that
you'll shoot it across the room. This can cause irreversible
damage to your johnson.
Do not flex your legs too hard before you blow your load or
you'll get a cramp and ruin the moment.
Do not use your porn magazines as your spankerchief. That is
future jerk off material and if you spunk in it, you won't be
able to use it again!
Do not ever jerk off while taking a shit. That is fucking
disgusting!
Do not attempt to stick your finger in your ass while jerking
off. That would make you gay. (Not that there's anything
wrong with that)
Do not use Icy Hot for lubrication!
Do not, under any circumstances, try to shoot your load into
your own mouth! (unless you're gay, then it's ok)
Do not participate in any group jerk off sessions or any
circle jerk events. If you do, don't get anyone else's sperm
on you.
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] S N A C K A T T A C K -- Geedubya did a jackknife
with tuck off of a White House sofa, bruising his Mt. Rushmore profile
after being cold choked by an errant pretzel. (AP)
It's been a little over a year since he suffered a similar
incident, except then he choked on a chad.
Laura heard him mumbling "Where am I?" from the next room,
but didn't become concerned because he does that all the time.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking.
One was Irish, another English, and the last American.
Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that
if they wanted to pass through this territory, they had to pass the three
caves test.
The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.
The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said,
"Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and
said to be toxic. You have to drink one each.
In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn.
In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be
satisfied."
The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American went
into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward.
The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the bottle, then
went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion and roaring. No one
emerged from the cave.
Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle.
He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion, and
then there was a
soft purring sound. Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he came
out puzzled and asked, "Where's the thorn in the woman's foot...?"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Funny Billboard.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.621
">Funny
Billboard.</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.621
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind
of language in the Lord's House.
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What do you call a nun with a sex change
operation?
A tran-sister.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Do They Have Cat Flavored Dog Food?
By Erik Deckers
There are three pivotal decisions in a person's life: when to get
married, when to have children, and whether to own a dog or turn evil
and own a cat instead. After I got married, I realized how lucky I was
when my wife said, "Let's get a dog." Of course, the decision was an
easy one, since I'm allergic to cats. And while cats are cute and
fluffy, their cold aloofness is more annoying than listening to Carol
Channing and Paul "Pee Wee Herman" Reubens debate the merits of
"tastes
great, less filling" for six hours. No sir, give me the neediness and
codependence of a dog any day.
The first dog we ever got was a Beagle puppy named Millie, who has been
the topic of several columns in the past. But sadly she passed away last
year. So when we were finally ready to get another dog, we knew we could
never have anything but another Beagle. So we brought another puppy into
our lives, Hannah. And although Hannah was a cute puppy, she apparently
was not a Beagle, but appeared to be a mixed-breed of a wild dingo and
Freddy Krueger. And although we vowed to stop getting dogs altogether,
when we heard that one of Millie's sisters was having puppies, we were
first in line to get one of her nieces. We knew it was sappy and
sentimental, but we figured that if Hannah didn't work out, we always
had a backup. I can reveal these family secrets now, since my dogs don't
read my column anyway, the ungrateful monsters.
You've heard the saying that it's possible to get too much of a good
thing. And while I rarely find that to be true in the case of money,
backrubs, or pepperoni and green olive pizza, owning two dogs is
definitely one of those instances. After we brought Macy home, we became
the poster children to the finger-wagging good time teetotalers who were
more than happy to point out that there you can indeed have too much of
a good thing and it just peed on our rug.
Don't get me wrong. I love my dogs, and the house would be empty without
them. It would also be quiet, calm, peaceful, serene, placid, relaxing,
and I could sleep for more than six hours without a trip outside, but I
wouldn't enjoy it for more than two months, three months tops. Possibly
four.
If my wife had her own column, it would be at this point that she would
tell you that the correct spelling of our second dog is Macey with an
'E.' However, she doesn't have her own column, so the dog's name is
Macy, and my way is the right way. After many discussions, we have
agreed to disagree on how the dog's name is spell, and have just sort of
let it go. We decided it wasn't that important, since Macy is so stupid,
teaching her how to spell her own name is not very high on our list of
priorities. We're still trying to potty train her.
Alright, alright, I admit it, I'm an abject failure! Our dog is eight
months old and still isn't house broken. Put me in the same group as the
parents whose five year olds are still sucking on pacifiers, my eight
month old dog -- who is the equivalent of a seven year old child in dog
years. . . months -- can be counted on to leave at least one surprise
for my wife and me to clean up by the end of the day. (Before anyone
says anything, "my wife and me" is grammatically correct.)
We take Macy out several times a day at regular intervals, give her
plenty of love and attention, and make sure she is properly fed and
watered. But somehow, she manages to sneak one in there and wet her
house, so that when we come home, she's dancing in the puddle, eagerly
wagging her tail, and trying to soak as much pee into her paws as
possible so that when she jumps up to greet us, she's sure to leave a
couple of good wet footprints.
Despite all her faults, she's not nearly as bad as Hannah, who like a
majority of dogs, eats her own poop. I know this is icky, but for those
of you who continued reading beyond that last sentence, let me assure
you that a huge percentage of dogs do this. It's actually pretty
uncommon for dogs NOT to do it. So before you write any angry letters,
ask yourself, have you ever found dog poop on your kitchen floor while
you were house training your dog? If the answer is no, consider that
mystery solved.
But Hannah, the disgusting little monster, happens to be one of the
millions of dogs that do. In fact, so many dogs engage in this nasty
habit that someone actually invented a product to prevent them from
doing it. There are even home remedies for it, including feeding the dog
green beans, or pouring a little meat tenderizer on their food, but
we've never tried any of them. We figure that if she does it, it just
makes cleaning up a lot easier.
Macy, on the other hand, doesn't even like to go near it. She wouldn't
dream of eating anything that didn't come out of a bag or fall off the
table. On the other hand, she loves cat food. The dogs' groomer has a
kennel and cat rescue facility, so she has cat food in bowls all over
her shop. This creates a small problem whenever I take the dogs to get
groomed. As soon as we walk in the door, Macy races over to one of the
bowls and crams as much cat food into her mouth, knowing that she only
has a few seconds before I pull her away. Even as I pull on the leash,
she's straining to get back for just one more bite. Hannah, on the other
hand, won't even touch the stuff, and will recoil in disgust if she's
within three feet of it.
Which raises an interesting point: Which is worse, a dog that doesn't
eat her own poop, but will kill herself trying to eat cat food, or a dog
that eats her own poop, but absolutely refuses to go near cat food?
While this says a lot about the dog, it actually says a lot more about
the cat food.
TV announcer: That's right, three out of four dogs prefer new
"Purr-Fect" brand cat food with new tuna and chicken flavors. The
other
dog just eats poop. So unless your dog is a disgusting, dirty, vile poop
eater, pick up a brand of "Purr-Fect" brand cat food for your dog
today.
It's purr-fa-licious!
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.