<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
There will be no issue of Purehumour published tomorrow (Friday)...
I am taking a personal day! ;)
<Wanna know a secret?> Want some free jelly beans? And not
just ANY jelly beans...these are Jelly Belly beans...this offer is
open to the USA and Canada...you fill in a simple six question
survey and they give away a sample of jelly beans...now not
everyone gets them...but they choose a random time each day
and if you fill in the survey at the right time...you get the sample
sent by mail! If you have never tried Jelly Belly beans...then now
is the perfect time...there ain't no jelly beans that taste better! ;)
http://jellybelly.jellybelly.com/SurveyNew/survey_intro.asp
<thanks to Terri for sending this one to me!>
Today's issue includes contributions by: Gordon, Nevanish, Jack, Stan,
Laura, Barb, Carroll, Keli, Rubin, Jamie, Terri, Ishy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Why did the leper go to the gun dealer?
He wanted to buy some arms.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
So Do I (So Do I)
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Joys of Being over 40
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that
I had left the light on in the shed. She could see from the
bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were
people in the shed taking things.
I phoned the police, and they told me that no one was in the
area help at this time, but they would send someone over as
soon as they were available.
I said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the
police back.
"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were
people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in
the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they
caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot
them!"
I replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."
-Stephen Covey
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
More of the misbehaving PC....
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">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.28
Internet greeting card.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
...so the two pigs, being chased by the big bad wolf, ran to the
third pig's brick house. "Open the door, or else I will huff and puff and
blow your house down!"
"No way! You'll eat us!", said the three little pigs!
"Open the door, or else I will huff and puff and blow your house
down!", screamed the now irritated wolf.
"No way! You'll eat us!", replied the three little pigs.
"Oh for God's sakes!", cried the wolf, "Open the fucking
door! I'm
Muslim, I don't eat pork!!!!!!"
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Bible Trivia Game -
Test your knowledge of the Bible!
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.34
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she
sees a message. It says, "Johnny has got the biggest tool in the
whole damn school!"
She yells, "Who is Johnny?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Johnny."
"Well, Johnny, you're staying after school!"
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up
at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "Pays to advertise."
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The judge looked amazedly at the couple in front
of him. "You're 97," he gasped, "Your wife is 95,
and you've been married for almost 75 years. Why,
at this stage of your lives, have you decided that
you want a divorce?"
"That woman has driven me crazy long enough, your
honour. I only married her in the first place
because I had to, and I can't stand it another
day."
"Then why have you waited this long?" the Judge said.
"Well, we knew how a divorce would hurt our kids,
so we waited until they died."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
One reason why dogs have remained a good friend for humans is that they wag
their tail and not their tongue.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Aggie is still on hold.
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Kids on the net...
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">Click Here </a>
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Management sure delivers....
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his
good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to
his room and washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called
out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice
answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One
Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital
display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the
announcement: "Time for service."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Thesaurus Tangle Jr. -
Unscramble the mystery synonym relating to a word.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.35
">Play it</a>
--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
But the issue of poor driver's education is manifest in other ways.
Take, for instance, the simple issue of Merge.
In simplest terms, when two or more lanes of traffic are joining to create only
one or fewer lanes than before, the cars on these lanes MUST merge.
Unfortunately, this intuitively simple concept is beyond many drivers'
comprehension. Flawed driving personalities combined with a
misunderstanding of what it means to merge, can create dangerous situations on
the highway.
The passive driver slows down to a ridiculous pace, sometimes coming to a
complete stop to allow merging cars in ahead of them. If a passive driver
is trying to merge from an on-ramp, you might as well grab a Snickers, because
they will sitting on that ramp until there is not a single car in sight or the
road is closed for repairs. They may run out of gas waiting.
The passive aggressive driver speeds up to prevent cars from merging in front,
but then slows down so that the merging car nearly rear-ends them.
Likewise, the merging passive aggressive will speed up as though he is going to
race ahead of the on-coming traffic, only to suddenly slow up and chicken out
at the last moment.
The dependent driver simply tailgates the leading vehicle. God forbid his
bumper falls more than a few inches away from the leading car, or he/she will
have a major panic attack.
The aggressive driver will break any speed limit and several laws of physics to
merge in front of you. He may even merge into you if you are not
careful. He may resort to ammunition to keep you from merging into
his/her lane.
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside
his door. When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside,
which immediately fell over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do
about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about
the jackass laying before him.
The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor,
I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead."
Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No the first duty of the Minister
is to notify the next of kin."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The inveterate horseplayer paused before
taking his place at the betting window,
and offered up a fervent prayer to his
Maker.
"Blessed Lord," he murmured with
mountain-moving sincerity, "I know You
don't approve of my gambling, but just
this once, Lord, just this once, please
let me break even. I need the money
so badly."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
This bloke needs a car...
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">Click Here </a>
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Superhero thoughts...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.913
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.913
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
An armed robber burst into an adult video shop and
fled with a sex toy.
The man held up a pepper spray and told the shop keeper
to put his hands up but he did not demand cash.
Instead he grabbed what police are calling an anatomically
correct sensation device worth more than 180.
Robbery squad detectives are investigating the robbery in
Winnipeg, Canada.
Bob Johnson, a spokesman for Winnipeg police, said: "He's
probably at home, enjoying himself."
He told the Calgary Sun: "It was Can$420. It must be quite
a device."
The 20-year-old shop clerk and a visiting friend behind the
counter were told to put their hands up against the wall
while the robber, made off with the toy.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but
he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.
I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was
scratching his back one day.
"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] S N A C K R A C
K [||||]
A Minnesota study shows that women often gorge themselves to short
circuit feelings of depression caused by the perception they're
overweight. (USA Today)
Males on the other hand view a prodigious gut as a handy shelf on which
to rest beer, chips and dip during the football season.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Master of the house is comfortably
installed in an armchair in the library,
reading a newspaper.
Suddenly, James, his butler rips the door
open and shouts: "Sir, the Thames is
flooding the streets!"
The Master looks up calmly from the newspaper
and says: "James, please. I have already
told you. If you do have something important
to tell me, first knock on the door, then
enter and inform me, in a quiet and
civilized manner, about the issue. Now
please, do so."
James apologizes and closes the door behind
him. Three seconds after, the Master hears
a knock on the door.
"Yes?"
James partially enters the room, and with
a wide gesture makes an invitation as for
somebody on the outside to enter:
"Sir, the Thames."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Hold on, Ed!
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">Click Here </a>
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Homer, Your X-Ray came back...
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">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.9.37
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man was telling a friend about a nudist
party he'd been invited to.
"I rang the bell, and the nudist butler
opened the door." he started.
His friend interrupted, "How did you
know he was a butler?"
"Well," he answered smoothly, "I could tell
right away that it wasn't the maid..."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
A woman goes to a party and wakes up to find an elephant in bed with
her. "God, I must've been tight! last night", she said.
"You were," said the elephant, "but you're not now."
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Real Sex
by Kim Burke
When I began having sex at the young age of sixteen, I had no idea on earth
what I was doing. More so than any guy, I was just amazed I was able to
keep up at all. Still unwise to the female orgasm, I put on quite a
performance for many years. I didn't mean to deceive anyone. I just
didn't
know what real sex for a woman could be like. So I faked it.
Sometimes I
believe the guy liked it better when I faked it before I learned I could
have the cosmic must-have-every-time orgasm. This, of course, meant the
guy
actually had to do some work. God forbid.
When I discovered the female orgasm, it was like tasting chocolate candy for
the first time in my life. I wanted to save all my money and head down to
the five and dime to get a piece every weekend. I never knew a woman
could
feel THAT. It was so great I wondered if it was illegal. However,
except
for the occasional public celebrity display arrests we've read about, I hadn't
heard of anyone going to jail for enjoying an orgasm. Apparently the law
is on our side concerning this issue.
As time went on I had fantasies, which were probably brought on by the big
'Tantra' movement, of really becoming ONE with my guy. He would feel
everything I was feeling, I would feel everything he was feeling and
somewhere in the middle we would inhabit each other's very soul.
These days, if I have an orgasm fine, if I don't fine. I still enjoy
sex but it's kind of like my favorite candy bar. I have to actually hand
pick the candy bar and then there's the whole business of unwrapping it and
then chewing. With so much physical labor involved, it doesn't bother me
if
I go without chocolate for a day or ten. And then, even if it's only bite
size, that's OK. Sometimes a quick nibble is all you need. It
satisfies
the craving and no one is over-exerted.
As a woman who is supposed to be in the peak of her sexuality, sometimes I
just feel peaked-out. It would be nice if, like a face-lift, we could
have
an inner-lift. But somehow I don't think a nip and tuck will do the
trick.
And as for the female version of Viagra, I'm too lazy to get up and go get
some.
So, at least these days, with work running out my ears, housework building
up underneath my toes and scurrying from east to west while my body seems to
be heading south, I feel like the little old lady from the medical alert
commercial.
I've fallen and I can't get up!
This is how I am feeling lately due to exhaustion. In a couple of weeks,
who knows? I may spring forward and have a Madonna moment. However,
if
this happens, I'll be keeping that Hershey's Kiss all to myself and write
about something like...dog food. How much is too much?
I'm back, I'm tired, I've gained five pounds and, as far as I'm concerned,
I'd rather wear winter clothing a little while longer.
--
The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book
(still
seeking publisher) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short
for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to
involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to:
www.incidentsandaccidents.com.
Kim resides with her husband, Richard and
daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email
Kim at kimburke@incidentsandaccidents.com