<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
                                    and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
                                  presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR!  In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!

This is a general warning to everyone who uses Yahoo as their email
service!  Effective April 24th 2002 you will have to pay to use Yahoo POP3
service (downloading into Outlook Express or Eudora) or to use the Yahoo
mail forwarding service (sending from john@yahoo.com to your ISP address)...
this will affect EVERYONE who has a Yahoo address and is NOT a hoax!
If you use a Yahoo email address and don't pay for the service then you
will only have access to Yahoo email from the Yahoo website and will not
be able to access it using an outside email program.  I am going to try and
put together a list of FREE POP3 email services in the next couple of days
to replace Yahoo...but be warned...the days of everything being free on the
net are slowly coming to a close!  Advertising revenues are way down and
bandwidth usage is way up...so the free services will be stripped down and
you will have to pay for enhanced services all over the place!  But Purehumour
is still free...so what else do you need?

This issue is running about 3 hours late...and this whole week will probably
be screwed up!  Yesterday was a partial holiday in Canada and Friday this
week I am away for the day...so I am not promising anything this week at
all...if the issues make it out...then you will get them...if not...you won't!  ;)

Today's issue includes contributions by: Laura, Pat, Jack, Stan, Terri, Barb,
Rubin, Ruth, Marina, Tom, Ken.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?

Its Braille for "suck here".

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

The meaning of Life.
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Life of a Computer addict.
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http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.14.95

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying
a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and
neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.

Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to
me for a month."

Bartender: "That should make you happy."

The man: "No, the month is up today!"

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"Being in power is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are,
you aren't."
-Margaret Thatcher, former British Prime Minister

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

So now we know...
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Get off my PC...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb.
weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says,
"This is shit!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles,
and says with a smile,
"This is good shit!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after
swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles
at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin,
"This really is great shit."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a
65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an
aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore,
killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles
through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says,
"I love this shit."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and
says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

The Messagepad
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The Golden Girls uncovered !
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Sherry the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said,
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"

"Sherry honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?"
he complained.  "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.
"You're not sterile....."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but
was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding
around on a cow."

"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying
to milk a bicycle!"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

Why is 77 better then 69? Because you get eight more.

-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------

Aggie has not been located yet...seems that she has extended
this leave beyond what was expected!

NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Websurfing long ago...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Two women were chatting at the local rodeo when they noticed
a man strut by... shirtless and wearing tight cut-off shorts.

"He must think," the first woman said, shaking her head, "that
he is God's gift to women."

The second one laughed, "I hope he kept the receipt."

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first
trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by
his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near
the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his
experience, "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.
"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang
.... 'Jose, can you see?'"

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

Have a great day!!!
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It could be worse
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-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

All of the dogs listened for anything that sounded familiar
from up above. At times they though they could hear their
friends but those noises never lasted.

Rex was wedged under a shelf that was loaded with boxes. His
left rear paw was bent up underneath him. The pain was
bearable, it was better than making a sound and getting
caught. Now the pain was subsiding and the leg was growing
numb. To Rex, it felt like a thousand bees were stinging his
leg over and over again. His eyes welled up in tears, his
breathing was rapid. He began to debate in his mind which
fate was worse. To move and be caught or to sit there and be
tortured.

Outside, Farmer Merrill went about his business. He seemed
to be distracted while working away. He waited for word from
his wife on how Mac was doing and how he got hurt. He
wondered why so many dogs were going into his basement.
He tried to tell himself that the long stretch of warm
weather they had caused everything to seem a little weird.

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to
play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single
egg with a brightly coloured one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs,
then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN 1972 AND 2002

What A Difference 30 Years Makes
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: KEG
2002: EKG
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage
1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints
1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer
1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM
1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint
1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones
1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office
1972: Down with the system
2002: Upgrade the system
1972: Disco
2002: Costco
1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid
1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test
1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Just hit them all...
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Logging off...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A priest in Brazil is refusing to marry women without a
certificate to prove they are virgins.

Catholic priest Natal Antonio Mella, from Petrolina of Goias,
only accepts certificates from doctors he appoints.

He publishes his decisions on whether he will marry would-be
brides in his church newspaper.

Residents of the small town in the north of the country are
said to be angry at his decision.

His bishop, Manoel Pestana, has told him to change his mind.

The priest told Terra Noticias Populares: "The church doesn't
allow women who are not virgins to get married."

He says he will allow other priests to marry non-virgins in his
church but says he won't perform the ceremonies himself.

[A priest looking for a virgin....now thats a switch!]

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The census taker knocked on the lady's door. She answered
all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her
age.

"But everyone tells the census taker their age," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill and her twin sister Daisey Hill tell
their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly." he replied.

"Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped. The census
taker simply wrote on the form, "As old as the Hills."

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||]     L I P T - O P P !   [||||]

The Peoples Republic has successfully launched its third unmanned space
craft, having previously sent aloft a dog, a  monkey, a rabbit and
snails.    (USA Today)

Next, they'll try it with some animals they don't eat.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

For all of you who have emailed me when my spelling is wrong...

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Sauce unknown

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Little Johnny comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is
for  a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine?"

Johnny's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad.

Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," Johnny says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," Johnny says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"Johnny, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Johnny says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the shit out of him."

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife, "Let's swap positions tonight."

"What a good idea," she replies, "You stand in front of the sink and do the
dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

How About Bun-Jee?

It's rare and even shocking for me to say this, but I found a stupid
lawsuit where I think the plaintiff may actually have a point. Yes, I
know, I was just as amazed as you are. A frivolous lawsuit where the
plaintiff's own stupidity was NOT the only cause for injury? Amazing,
but true! Read on.

According to the March 15, 2002 issue of the Denver Post Online, Ryan
Netzer of Avon, Colorado is suing the Colorado Avalanche hockey team for
injuries he suffered during a "human hockey puck" event on December 13,
2000. Specifically, Netzer is suing for negligence, breach of duty to
act with the highest degree of care, premises liability, and willful and
wanton conduct.

It seems that Netzer willingly climbed aboard a metal sled, and was
flung across the ice by a giant bungee cord during the intermission
stunt. He slammed into the boards and fractured two bones in his leg.
Netzer required two operations to repair the damage. However, there was
no indication whether the word is actually spelled "bungee" or "bungie."

In the lawsuit, which was filed on March 13, 2002, Netzer and attorney
Joseph Bloch claim the Avalanche, Kroenke Arena Company, and Kroenke
Sports Enterprises were negligent because they failed to install
protective padding along the boards. The reason for the oversight? The
padding was damaged after it fell from a truck earlier that day.

According to the lawsuit, the defendants ". . . were fully aware that
there was a high risk of injury to the participants," especially since
the padding wasn't installed. Although Netzer signed a waiver, he and
his attorney are saying it should be thrown out because Netzer did not
know the wall padding was missing.

Look at the first sentence in the previous paragraph again. Netzer and
Bloch say there was a high risk of injury, ESPECIALLY since the padding
wasn't installed. In other words, there was a high risk of injury
already, but the risk was higher since the padding was missing.

This leads me to two questions. First, how badly do large pieces of foam
have to be damaged so they're no longer functional? Second, how hard is
it to look across a hockey rink and say "Hey, shouldn't there be some
pads there? What happened to those big pads you told me about? I'm
pretty sure somebody said the walls would be padded."

Netzer says that he has received "severe permanent injuries" as a result
of his misadventure, so he is seeking unspecified damages to cover his
medical expenses, plus additional punitive damages. Translation: "I need
money to pay my doctor bills, and then I want a little extra to retire
on, because I'm obviously blind too."

Not surprisingly, the Avalanche are denying all responsibility for the
mishap, and will probably stand behind Netzer's signed waiver to protect
themselves. But I think they need to bear some of the responsibility.

This isn't so much an intermission publicity stunt as one of those
stunts that usually involves consumption of mass quantities of alcohol,
and usually starts with the words "Hey y'all, watch this!". This is a
case where the Colorado Avalanche fired Rocket Ryan toward a wall made
of wood and plexiglass, without so much as a roll of toilet paper
between him and certain death. Hockey players have been seriously
injured from being slammed against the boards by other hockey players
(that's what makes hockey fun to watch), so why would they want to fire
someone at an even faster speed toward those same walls without padding?

But more importantly, how does padding get damaged by falling off a
truck anyway? IT'S PADDING! Did it shatter on impact? Did it become
misshapen and grotesque after falling four feet from the back of the
truck? Regardless of what kind of shape the padding was in, the
Avalanche should have put it up anyway. Wrap it in duct tape, for God's
sake, Or just put the icky side against the wall!

Don't let Netzer off without some finger pointing though. He needs to
share some of the responsibility too. Remember, Netzer's claim is that
the organizers knew there was a high risk of injury ESPECIALLY since the
padding wasn't installed. This means he should have reasonably known
there was a risk already. The fact that he did not see big giant pads to
protect him from the high-speed impact is his own fault.

In liability lawsuits, judges and lawyers often refer to "the Reasonable
Person." The Reasonable Person is boring. You would not want to take
this person on a date or even out for coffee. He or she will not
participate in most everyday activities because they want to be
absolutely sure that everything is safe. Think of an uptight,
anal-retentive Ralph Nader.

In this case, the Reasonable Person would have asked the organizers if
the walls were padded, and how thick the padding was. The Reasonable
Person would have then gone over to the walls and inspected the padding,
making sure they were thick enough to safely stop him and the speeding
sled. And then the Reasonable Person would have politely declined, and
gone home to watch "Sewing With Nancy," and drink herbal tea with his 37
cats.

Obviously Ryan Netzer was anything but reasonable: "Dude, you're gonna
put me on a sled and hurl me from this giant bungie cord toward that
wall? Fire it up, baby!"

Maybe I'm a little boring and overly cautious, but when it's my own
safety, I'm not willing to be  slung, flung, thrown, hurled, shot, or
fired out of anything, regardless of what the padding is. People get
injured doing all kinds of stupid stuff, whether it's a promotional
event, publicity stunt, or drunken test of bravery. So I stand firm in
my conviction to never put myself in harm's way through my own stupidity
or someone else's.

I'm still not sure whether it's spelled "bungee" or "bungie" though.

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.