**<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>**

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

Welcome to a special edition of Purehumour...this is a rerun issue
that was originally published on Friday March 30th 2001...because
it is a rerun it is 100% ad free.

Happy Easter to everyone!  I have a really special fun file for you to
download from my site...it is a 100% virus free file...but you should
still check it first....download it then turn up your speakers and get
ready for a great laugh...the file is at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/wild.html ">Click</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/wild.html

Today's issue includes contributions by: Carroll, Barbara, Bill, SunAmy,
Kathy, Pat, Jamie, Wayne, Edwin, Anni

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

<**-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>
Lets start with a quickie:

Why won't Hannibal eat any of the Clinton family?

Too slimy.

<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>

Uses for old condoms...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.486 ">Uses for old
condoms...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.486

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy.

97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

A workman who was extremely fond of garlic boarded a bus in a Southern
city, and plumped himself down next to a haughty, sour-faced woman. She
immediately became aware of the garlic fragrance, and observed icily,
"It's a wonder they don't run a special bus for persons who insist on
eating garlic."

The workman cheerfully answered, "They do lady, You're on the wrong
bus."

<**-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------**>

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen
or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.
-Helen Keller

<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>

What about the mess??
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.2.366 ">What about the
mess??</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.2.366

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

TODAY IN THE STOCK MARKET

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round?"

"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

John was driving home late one night when he picked up
a hitchhiker. As they rode along he began to be
suspicious of his passenger. John checked to see if his
wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the
seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on
the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand
over the wallet immediately!"

The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John
drove off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his
wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying,
"Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet
at home this morning?

<**--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------**>

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon.....
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>

Party Games...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.2.593 ">Party
Games...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.2.593

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

He said... Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you don't have much to put in
it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the
money.

He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.


He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you
in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late
husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not
with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than that
he is blind.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light
on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

<**--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------**>

Tokyo residents were panicked today by wide
spread discoveries of little piles of cotton
fibre and rodent droppings in residences in
central Tokyo, accompanied by holes appearing
suddenly in various pieces of household
furniture..

Municipal authorities are taking swift action
to calm residents and today claimed that there
is little likelihood of a major outbreak of
futon mouse disease in the city.

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor
realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search
party was dispatched immediately.

After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby.  He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.

The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you issued me a comb
and then proceeded to cut my hair off.  On the second day, you
issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who
proceeded to pull out my teeth.  Finally, on the third day, you
issued me a jock strap... and I wasn't about to wait around to
find out what would follow that, Sir."

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician.
The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a
professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are
allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear.

Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little
Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug
interaction Little Johnny must have.

Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the
bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>

Party Games 2...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.2.594 ">Party Games
2...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.2.594

<**-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------**>

A man in Nebraska, who, on Valentine's Day, to prove
his love for his wife who was concerned that she would
die without having done anything important enough to
write about in her obituary, as a Valentine's surprise,
placed a real obituary in the Lincoln Nebraska Star-
Journal announcing her death and listing her importance
to the world as being first, her commitment to him and
second, her commitment to her three children.
It never occurred to him either what profound impact
this 'romantic inspiration' would have on family and
friends, let alone his wife who had to spend the day
answering the door and the phone, when people learned
she had died.

His romantic obituary, headed OBITUARY read, Diana
"sacrificed a life of selfishness to leave a legacy of
life to her Husband and Children. She shared the Truth,
the Light and the Savior of this world, Jesus Christ,
with her family, which set them free. May you shine in
peace knowing that your life is eternal and that a mansion
is being prepared for you. All our love Steve, Connor,
Preston and Hunter..."

Acquaintances were calling funeral homes to find her body,
upset friends phoned crying and sobbing, and neighbors
showed up offering to help with the children. The children
had to deal with schoolmates who thought their mother died.
Wouldn't you love to have been able to capture the initial
thought in all their heads when they learned that her
husband put it into the newspaper as a tribute?

His wife says ''it was really sweet'' but she would have
preferred a disclaimer be on the obit.

Journal-Star (Lincoln, Nebraska) 12-Mar-01
http://www.journalstar.com/local?story_id=2977

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">WNW</a>
<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of
strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next
putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your
sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless.
At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay,"
and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure.", and he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says
nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to
give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!", and again he makes an eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and
says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know
who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you Mister Devil," says the golfer. "and I'm Father O'Malley."

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

Theme Songs for Biblical Characters

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I"ve Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Happy Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To"
Shadrach, Mesach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Moses: "There's a Place For Us"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

<**--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------**>

Just can't win...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.2.595 ">Just can't
win...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.2.595

<**--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------**>

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty
advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do
at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled
hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?"
he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.

"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"

<**---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------**>

Why does Hannibal like Jennifer Lopez?

Rump Roast....He likes rump roast.

<**--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------**>

Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who's going to trade their soul away or what they're going to get for it unless you're Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn't you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.

Why has Jack Nicholson moved in with Marlon Brando and why didn't he go to the Oscars and who's black limo has been parked in front of their house for a week? What are Marlon and Jack and you-know-who up to?  You'll be the first to know.
- Helen -

10. Sparks were flying when Russell Crowe ran into Courtney Love at a post-Oscar bash. Formerly Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, it's in their current contracts that they can't get it on this time around.

9. According to ancient Italosatanic custom, whenever a film producer gets an Oscar, for 24 hours all actresses must accept any proposition he makes. Dino De Laurentiis has to decide whether "Jodie Foster" or Julianne Moore plays Clarice Starling in the upcoming prequel to Hannibal. Who was he seen talking to after winning his Oscar? The answer's in quotes.

8. Director John Waters is going straight to hell for saying this about why there are more stars at the Golden Globes than at the Spirit Awards: "They serve liquor. Next year, we should hand out bongs. Maybe Harrison Ford will show up."

7. Why didn't spacestation MIR crash into that giant target placed in the middle of the ocean by Taco Bell? Guess who owns their insurance company?

6. The U.S. Supreme Court is looking at whether medical necessity may be used as a defense against federal drug bans. Satan's already got four Justices signed, so this might not be the time to invest in hydroponic farm equipment.

5. The Guinness Book of World Records is up for grabs and guess who's buying? The Supreme Lord of Dangerous Stunts, that's who.

4. Why was eBay experiencing technical problems on Sunday? Bad day to auction off Beelzebub's underwear.

3. Was that the Pittsburgh Penguins seen sharing thin pepperoni pizza with the host of hellfire at Shakey Ground last week? How do you think they beat the New Jersey Devils? Would the Devil bet against himself? You bet!

2. Survivors of Survivor are unable to commit suicide for the next decade due to a clause in the their contract with the All Mighty giving him rights to the Survivor 10th Anniversary Show. Too bad.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Everyone who grabbed a videotape when they got a look at the dress J-Lo was wearing at the Oscars.

Personal to Santa: It's an old trick. Just use Scrabble tiles.
Personal to Robert Downey Jr.: Of course I know who did it. What's in it for me?