<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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A final goodbye to two of entertainment's greatest ... we sadly mourn
the passing of Uncle Miltie (Milton Bearle) and Dudley Moore...with
the loss of Uncle Miltie we are left with very few memories of the
early days of TV...and with the loss of Dudley Moore we lost that
loveable "Arthur". Our loss is Heaven's gain as Heaven's Comedy
Club
gets two new opening acts.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Gordon, Laura, Mathew, Rubin,
Stan, SunAmy, Marina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A nice ride home...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.421 ">A
nice ride
home...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.421
Just say NO
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.422 ">Just
say NO</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.422
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Keli and Wendy went to lecture on positive thinking. After the
lecture was done, Wendy said to Keli, "You know, I learned a lot from
this. From now on, I am going to accentuate the positive and eliminate
the negative. From now on, I am going to use the word IS instead of the
word NOT."
"You're right Wendy. I am going to quit making negative statements too.
I am going to speak positively from now on as well", Keli said.
"Really Keli, like what?", asked Wendy.
"Well," Keli says, "I used to always say that Greg was not fit
to live
with the hogs. Now I am going to say he IS fit to live with them."
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man has just jacked off and is staring at the sperm in his hand
thoughtfully.
He thinks, "You could have been a great person. Perhaps a scientist, a
best selling author, even the president of the United States."
He then raises his hand and licks it clean. "Guess I'll give you another
chance."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold
well."
-Josh Billings
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
No sex life...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.423
">No sex
life...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.423
Got a headache...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.424
">Got a
headache...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.424
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Anni and Terri were discussing her fight with her
husband, Sam.
Anni: And then Sam thought I owed HIM an apology!
Terri: Well, did you give him one?
Anni: Oh, yeah! I said, "I'm sorry you're an asshole!"
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Raku Jr. -
Flip all the tiles back to blue in as few moves as possible.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.20
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Final Words:
Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1827: "I shall hear in heaven." By the
time of his death, Beethoven was completely deaf.
Andrew Bradford, the publisher of Philadelphia's first
newspaper, 1742: "Oh Lord, forgive the errata!"
W.C. Fields, who had been flipping through the Bible on his
deathbed, 1946: "I'm looking for a loophole."
Neville Heath, the murderer who requested a glass of whiskey
as his last wish before being hanged, 1946: "You might make
that a double."
Karl Marx, after his housekeeper had asked whether he had a
final message for the world, 1883: "Go on, get out! Last words
are for fools who haven't said enough."
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"When my sugar daddy dies," confided Jeni to Debi, "I inherit
the
lot... it's in his last will and testicles."
"You mean testament," chuckled Debi.
"No, testicles..." said Jeni, "I've got him by the balls."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
If a bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
If anyone sees Aggie...please tell her to call me...she was
supposed to be back...but seems to have taken an extended
leave!
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A nasty secret...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.425 ">A
nasty
secret...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.425
A new plaything for the cat...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.426 ">A
new plaything
for the cat...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.426
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an
expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed
Policeman had given his OK for the man to park
there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the
Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied
that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer
again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be
retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought boils,
locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of
this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions, Pharoah refused to let
the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children
was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes.
Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave
slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.
This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the
Pharoah, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to
release the Jews after the first nine plagues. It took eight years of
research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renouned psychologist and nurse,
to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years
studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once
found, it was obvious.....The Pharoah was still in de Nile.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Robix -
Get your 10 marbles to the bottom before the computer.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.21
">Play it</a>
--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
Many authorities, such as Dave Barry (an expert by virtue of the fact that he
can drive,) have commented on road rage and the state of the American
driver. One of the biggest problems identified is the fact that every
driver "thinks" he or she is the best driver.
But Siegfried Ford, the author of Fordian Psychology, believes that the basic
problem with drivers stems from their education. Think about it.
Our brightest, smartest educators are teaching Calculus, Physics and Chemistry,
while those that cannot add are left to teach Driver's Ed.
Countless students each year sit in front of "simulators" that hurl
obstacles and perilous driving circumstances at them at the rate of
approximately one event every five seconds. Couple the simulators with a
few hours of on-road time accompanied by their rocket scientist instructors,
and all of a sudden, these kids become licensed menaces on the road.
There are problems with this "educational" system. For one
thing, the simulators don't simulate real driving. I can drive for months
or even years at a time without a kid chasing a ball out into the street in
front of me. Yet, the simulators feel this occurs about every 30
seconds. These kids end up getting bored waiting for an old lady using a
walker to suddenly pop out between two parked cars, so they end up not paying
any attention at all to the road.
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den
with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off
her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing
dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served.
She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.Her harried
husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven,
saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took
me so
long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb
little
holes."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A drunk stumbled into a doctor's office and said, "Shey, doc, you gotta
help me put my dick back on."
"Where is it?"
"Right here in my pocket."
"That's a cigar."
"Oh my God, doc! I smoked my dick!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Watch out for the Jaws...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.427
">Watch out for
the Jaws...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.427
How was it?
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.428
">How was it?</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.428
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A Dutch robbery suspect left empty-handed after a shop
owner tore up bank notes in front of him.
The man allegedly threatened the male clothes shop owner
in Blerick with a knife.
The shopkeeper says he's not out of pocket as he plans to
stick the notes back together. Police have arrested a 44-
year-old in connection with the incident.
De Limburger says the 59-year-old shopkeeper told the suspect
he'd rather rip up the cash than give it to him.
It adds that he refused to tell police how much cash he'd
torn up.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have
been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of
being a grandmother by now.
Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's
just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] O S C A R A
N O N - W E I N E R [||||]
Mucho wound licking and mitt wringing over at ABC over Sunday night's
lowest rated back patting marathon in the history of the
Acad. (LA
Times)
If that weren't bad enough, a female French member of the Academy now
claims she was pressured by superiors to vote for "A Beautiful Mind"
in
exchange for an "Amelie" vote.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A Police Officer pulled over a driver and informed him that,
because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won
$5,000 in a safety completion.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" The officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my
license."
At that moment, his girl friend, who was seated next to him,
chimed. "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck
when he's drunk.
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw
the COP, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen
car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a
voice asked "Are we over the border yet?"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
This has been a test...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.429
">This has been a
test...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.429
The Perfect date.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.430
">The Perfect
date.</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.430
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across
the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross
it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Stash to Yash. "That guy is trying to
pull the
wool over our ice!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians
in room together?
100 people who don't do dick.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
What Was She THINKING!?!
by Valerie Sprague
Someone accused me, and several of my closest friends, of being shallow old
bints the other day. Why? Because we had just dissected the fashion display
of the 74th annual Academy Awards down to the bone, leaving the corpse
quivering on the exam table like a reject extra from the Industrial Light
and Magic monster model shop.
It's a yearly game -- from Joan Rivers on the red carpet figuratively
sticking her finger down her throat to bring up a shock-induced hairball
"Ack! Ack! What is THAT!" to millions of people at home, mostly
women,
commenting on the hiney decolletage of the rich and famous.
Since the Oscar ceremony is televised globally, amateur fashion and
hairstyle critics from Boston to Beijing have been saying the same sorts of
things in a multitude of tongues since the program aired:
Paris: "Mon Dieu! Il y a le nombril de la baie de Halle
encore!"
(My God! There's Halle Berry's navel...again!"
Lisbon: "Est o barbeiro inoperante?"
(Did Tom Cruise's barber die the day before the Oscars?"
Dusseldorf: "Nett untere Spaltung, aber steinbrustaussehen Sharon wie
ohren
Mickey Muse."
(Nice ass cleavage aside, that dress makes Sharon Stone's boobs look like
Mickey Mouse ears!"
Milan: "I seni di Gwyneth assomigliano vuoti ai calzini."
(Gwyneth, next time wad the socks up and put them in a bra, don't just
stick them on your chest and leave them hanging.)
In years past, of course, we've all found things to compliment about the
stars' choices in fashion, like Julia Roberts' vintage Valentino last year:
"that looks great, for a used dress!" and Sharon Stone's
skirt-with-black-short-sleeved-turtleneck-from-the-Gap: "you know, I have
one of those too. Rock on!"
We found things to like the other day too, from Samuel L. Jackson's
dandified brocade coat (you know he could carry off a Hefty bag...he's THAT
cool,) to Nicole Kidman's dreamy pink complexion, surrounded by dreamy pink
gown. You'd have to do a lot, probably with camouflage spray paint and a
cricket bat, to ugly up that girl.
But of course this year, after overhearing a lengthy dissection of the do's
and don'ts of Academy Awardwear, a friend of ours accused the amateur
Fashion Emergency team seated in my living room of being not only shallow,
but cruel to Hollywood celebrities. "This is a special night for
them!
It's really mean to make fun of their outfits."
Look. I don't watch football, and neither do my buddies. Discussing
at
length what went wrong with J-Lo's "A Star is Born" wiglet is the
girly
equivalent of John Madden whipping out the white marker and drawing X's,
O's, and little arrows on a first down freeze frame. "Ooof! She
should
have lost the AquaNet and teasing comb. That's gotta hurt!"
Movie stars expect the world's attention on their "special
night." That's
why they pay stylists to help them choose everything from their eyeshadow
to their socks (on your FEET next time, Gwynnie!) In addition, they DON'T
pay the designers who press them with free couture clothing or the
jewelers, who lend them necklaces worth hundreds of thousands of dollars
and so many security guards to watch over them that it makes someone like
Reese Witherspoon feel like Dick Cheney in a secret second location during
a State Of The Union address.
If you've ever had your boss criticize your messy desk, you know that the
people who pay your salary have a right to pick on you whether you deserve
it or not, and we pay Hollywood's collective salary by purchasing tickets
for our nieces to see "Harry Potter" six times. So yeah, that buys us
a
night of catty fashion analysis and entitles the global sisterhood to at
least three hours of comments like "I know celebrities take souvenirs home
from the set, but, did Cameron Diaz NEED to swipe the "hair gel" from
"There's Something About Mary?" and "si tuviera que mucho
dinero, yo no
desgastara cualquier cosa de la coleccin de Gifford de las heces de
Kathie en WalMart" (I think you can translate that one.)
Reporting from the glitter-littered, corpsestrewn, Manolo-pierced carpet in
front of the Kodak Theater, I'm Valerie Sprague.
--
Valerie Sprague was raised by wolves -- the Minnesota Timberwolves,
which explains why she's so tall and drinks so much Gatorade. She
was not actually at the Oscars this year, but actually attended the
Grammy Awards once, and she looked pretty hot.
You can find her stuff at http://valerie.nu