<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Today's issue includes contributions by: Lissa, Keli, Gordon, Mathew,
Rubin, Stan, Barbara, Walter, Di Ann, Wayne, Jamie.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the difference between a baby boy and an opera director?
A baby boy sucks his fingers.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A real touching and heart-wrenching story!>
This past weekend, I was rushing around in Houston, Texas trying
to get some Valentine's Day shopping done. I was stressed out and
not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold,
and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that
I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under
my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a
quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of
about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was
just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's
chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was
wrong. He told me his sad story.
He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and
four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His
Mother
was poorly educated and worked two full-time jobs. She made very
little
to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and
save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents
(since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas).
The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her
second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings
and
save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall,
when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared
into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the
sidewalk
and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
When I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
for help, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
On a clear day Greg Was Ploughing A Field, Behind A Horse,
With No Trousers On, Was Noticed By A Passing Motorist Who
Stopped To Investigate.
"Sir" he said "I couldn't help but notice that you are
ploughing with out any trousers on, can you tell me why?'
"Well it's like this" said Greg. "I ploughed the paddock
over there yesterday without my scarf on and I got a stiff
neck. But this is all the wife's idea"
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold
well." -Josh Billings-
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride
in the blonde's new car.
Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them.
The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.
The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage
to ask, "What are you doing?!"
The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the
horn."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Flaps Jr. -
Direct the falling marbles into their proper slots.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.14
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, some planetarium
directors in Southern California sent out warnings to the community
about the eclipse. They warned people not to look directly into the sun.
The planetarium received an indignant letter from a local blonde resident.
She said that if an eclipse was so dangerous, they never should have
decided to hold one and ought to cancel it.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A list of tips from the Arkansas Visitor Information Center:
As summer approaches and people begin to travel...the various
travel centers around the US are beginning to release their
information guides for 2002. The Arkansas Visitor Information
Center has released these tips to help make your trip to their
fine state an enjoyable one:
1. That red-necked farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll
do all week at the gym. He doesn't need your respect, but he sure
deserves it.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four-wheel drive because I need
it. Drive your BMW or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah,
we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
your butt kicked -- by the women.
5. Go ahead and bring on your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little
13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot the cell phone. You might hope you don't
have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for the
cost of that small bottle you bought in the airport.
9. The Arkansas Razorbacks are as important here as the Lakers and the
Knicks -- and a heap sight more fun to watch.
10. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order
it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds
of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two
packets of sugar and a long spoon.
11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.
12. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we drive two weeks a
year.
13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -- because they want to.
And you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
15. Yeah, we eat catfish and turtle, too. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? Interstate 540 goes north and south. I-40 goes east and west. Pick
one.
17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday observed on the closest Saturday to the first of
October. You can get breakfast at the church.
18. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.
19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit
in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
20. Now, enjoy your visit
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Aggie is a new woman...when she gets back...you will hardly
recognize her!
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Just fill her up...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"Man's Three Rules When Getting Old"
Never pass a bathroom,
Don't waste a hard-on,
And never trust a fart
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from
work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front
of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.
Unruffled, she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Palace Guard Jigsaw -
Be the fastest on the Internet as you put together the Palace
Guards.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.16
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
Greg is a successful farmer in the South. One day
his buddy Paul sees him sitting in the bar getting
shit faced.
Paul goes in and asks the Greg, "Hey Greg,why are you
sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Greg: Some things you just can't explain.
Paul: So what happened that's so horrible?
Greg: Well, today I was sitting by my cow
milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full,
she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Paul: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Greg: Some things you just can't explain.
Paul: So what happened then?
Greg: I took her left leg and tied it to the
post on the left.
Paul: and then?
Greg: Well, I sat back down and continued to
milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she
took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Paul: Again?
Greg: Some things you just can't explain.
Paul: So, what did you do then?
Greg: I took her right leg this time and
tied it to the post on the right.
Paul: and then?
Greg: Well, I sat back down and began
milking her again. Just as got the bucket about
full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with
her tail.
Paul: Hmmm...
Greg: Some things you just can't explain.
Paul: So, what did you do?
Greg: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so
I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and Keli walked
in.....and some things you just can't explain!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Cute Kid Stuff:
A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret,"
she said,
"is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you
try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it
have to
be a secret?"
--
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my
family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one
evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my
ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if
pizzas lived in the woods."
--
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
Reykjavik, Iceland: A penis museum in Iceland is appealing for a
human donation. Sigurdur Hjartarson runs the Icelandic Phallalogical
Museum and he needs a human penis to add to his collection of 143
phalluses.
He has a legally certified 'gift token' promising a human specimen
after death, but the collection still awaits its first homo sapien
member.
The high school history teacher first erected the museum in 1997. It
is wholly dedicated to the collection and study of the penis. He has
specimens from a variety of mammals, including a 2 mm hamster
penis and a six foot long example taken from a killer whale.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Laura's husband, Ron, was called into his bank to discuss
his accounts.
"Your finances are in terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your
checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue."
"Yes, I know." said Ron. "It's my wife Laura, she is out of
control."
"Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?" asked
the banker.
"Frankly," replied Ron with a deep sigh, "because I'd rather
argue
with you than with her."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] O H , M R .
G R A N T [||||]
The city of Minneapolis now has a statue of Mary Tyler Moore tossing her
cap in the air at 7th street downtown. (LA Times)
When you pull a string on her back, the statue plays "You're Gonna Make
it After All."
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, Wendy
sent her husband, James, to a therapist who wound up treating
him with self hypnosis. And, to Wendy's her joy, everything
got much better.
However, Wendy could not help but notice that each night, just
before their lovemaking, James would dash out to the bathroom
for several minutes.
This tormented Wendy until finally, one night, she followed
James. There, in front of the mirror, Wendy found James applying
this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife. She's not my wife.
She's not my wife."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Top New Names for Sexual Positions . . .
- The IRS position, where you just bend over
and take it up the ass with no lube.
- The Brainsqueeze, otherwise known as perform-
ing cunnilingus correctly.
- The Humidor (requires a cigar and an intern).
- The Butt Rut (self explanatory but obligatory
reference to ass screwing).
- The Monday Night Football Colotial (actually
just doggie style done facing the TV with the
game on with her in the football jersey of
your favorite team).
- The Kentucky Derby (aka Woman astride ) be
forewarned if you decide to use the western
variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL
wreak havoc on the bed linens!
- The "Osama Bin Dover" (valley vixen)
- The Bin Laden.....Shoot your load, then run,
duck, and hide.
- Oral Submarine ~ The guy must Dive...Dive...
Dive.
- The Bugs Bunny. It's when the guy is on top
with the women's legs pinned behind her head.
- The British telecom position: you get FUCKED
by them and they never call you back.
- The Grenade Position...I'll lay down and you
blow the hell out of me.
- The Enron Position...no matter what, you're
getting it up the ass.
- Totally Screwed-- the position you in when
your spouse comes in early from work and
catches you in a position you can`t get out
of...
- The accountant double entry (cumagain).
- And the #1 New Name for a Sexual Position:
The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg
up higher...no, not like that, like this...
NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like
this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were
the one with the vagina...NO, would you
listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE
WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You
know what? Nevermind...I don't even wanna do
it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No,
we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I
am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't
have to if you could get your leg up! GOD!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What do you call 3 lepers in a box?
A Jigsaw puzzle.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
March 25, 2002
Gas prices are up 14 cents per gallon in two weeks, which is good news for you
know who and bad news for everyone else. Meanwhile, security screeners at
airports are doing a great job, detecting everything people are bringing to airports
except explosives, knives, and guns. Just the way Satan likes it.
- Helen -
10. If Marjorie Knoller and Robert Noel wanted a dog that wasn't a
vicious killer, they shouldn't have bought a Presa Canario that was the
reincarnation of Lucille Ball.
9. Getting a posthumous Oscar is one way to move up a level in hell, which is
why "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" didn't win best
picture. J.R. Tolkien hates the film and was pissed off his lyrics weren't used
in the song nominated from the film.
8. China launched another Shenzhou space capsule with a dummy astronaut on
board just to stop Steven Spielberg from cutting out the scene in the
re-release of "E.T. The Extraterrestrial" where you can see his
testicles.
7. Why are Israeli military planners preparing for a major assault on
Palestinian cities? How else could they get radio personality Sid Rosenberg to
admit he stole satellite TV?
6. Satan's angry that two huge tankers full of oil that collided in the
Gulf of Oman were safely separated without injury or oil spill, which is why
Tom Green became the first actor in the history of The Razzies to show up in
person to collect his awards for worst actor and worst director of the year.
5. "I thought Halle Berry's acceptance speech was embarrassing,"
declared Stepin Fetchit from the 12th level of Hell. "I don't get no cable
TV just to watch someone have a nervous breakdown on my behalf."
4. Will Israel let Yasser Arafat attend the Arab summit meeting in Beirut?
Watch national interest rates, the price of milk, and the ratings of "The
Agency."
3. Saudi Arabia's Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice
applauded Whoopi Goldberg's handling of the Oscar, particularly when she
covered the naughty parts.
2. North and South Korea are resuming dialogue. Unfortunately, so are Ben
Affleck and Matt Damon.
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. Indian Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee has promised not to use nukes
against Pakistan as long as snowmobiles are allowed in Yosemite.
Personal to the Desert Post Weekly: How was I supposed to know?
Personal to Nicholas Snow: I hope they're paying you more than they paid me.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
11,000 documents released by U.S. Department of Energy relating to the creation
of the Bush administration's energy policy divided by 1,800 killed in an
earthquake in Afghanistan plus $33 million made by "Blade II" in 1
weekend times 32 homes burnt down in Arizona minus all U.S. counter-narcotics
aid to Colombia equals 103 U.S. nuclear power reactors in danger of terrorist
attacks minus AOL Time Warner's first-quarter write-down of $54 billion .times
20 dolphins washed ashore in California plus every restaurant in Tel Aviv with
dynamite Palestinian cooking divided by every instance of oral sex in the
current White House.
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING
One of the suicide terrorists may have had anthrax.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Beware of the leader who bangs the drums of war in
order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a
double edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind.
"And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch
and the blood boils with hate and the mind is closed, the leader will have no
need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry infused with
fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the
leader and do it gladly so.
"How do I know? I know for this is what I have done.
And I am Caesar."
- Julius Caesar -
"We arrested 750,000 people on drug charges the year before Sept. 11, and
two terrorists."
- Sheriff Bill Masters -
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored."
- Aldous Huxley -
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
Don't Take Away my Porn
Gimme gifs of teenagers with very little clothes
Gimme shots to download and you'll lead me by the nose
I've seen people doing things that I cannot believe
Getting in positions quite indecent to conceive
Sodomites and fairy sprites exposing genitalia
Nipple clamps and leather make some fine paraphernalia
If you've got some classics, well then go ahead and send some
Gimme guys and gals exposing oversized pudendum
Porn ain't for kiddies, yes that much is true
If you're not a kiddy, who cares what you do
Acres of bodies without any clothes
With celebrity faces they superimpose
You can berate me
and heap me with scorn
but I'm begging you Congress
Don't take away my porn
Gimme Mrs. Anderson relaxing on a boat
Gimme anybody putting something down their throat
Gimme porno stars in films they shoot in a motel
Validate my ticket for a one-way trip to hell
Gimme barnyard animals dubbed in by Doris Day
Make 'em young and gorgeous and you can't keep me away
No more legislation that is so totalitarian
Let me see my porno while I ogle the librarian
Porn ain't for kiddies, yes that much is true
If you're not a kiddy, who cares what you do
Acres of bodies without any clothes
With celebrity faces they superimpose
You can berate me
and heap me with scorn
but I'm begging you Congress
Don't take away my porn
I'm begging you Congress
Don't take away my porn
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/