<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Okay...today's opener is a little longer than usual...but only because
I have a lot of things to say....
First I would like to introduce a brand new feature to each issue of
Purehumour...below you will find a link to "Strange Breed"...a
cartoon link that is not too widespread yet...so these are almost
originals! There are new toons put up 3 times per week...so be sure
to check it often!
Second...who watched the Oscars? How many of you got tears in
your eyes as Sydney Poitier was given his honorary Oscar only to
be followed by big wins by Denzel Washington and Halle Berry winning
best actor and best actress Oscars. Now lets hope the race issue can
be put to rest and lets judge ALL actors by their abilities and not by
colour! Isn't it time that everyone was treated equally...why has it
taken so long for everyone to wake up and realize this?
And finally...check out the brand new section of my website...The
"ultimate search engine"...yes a Paul's Fun House exclusive...the
ultimate search engine asks you a few simple questions...and gives
you the results that you really want...check it out at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/search/">Search</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/search
... it is well worth the visit!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Sandra, Di Ann,
Stan, Jama, Barb, SunAmy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the difference between the Panama Canal and an airhead?
One is a busy ditch.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
[The Perfect Male...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day
and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says,"Pierre,
kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What
are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red
wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and
Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse
open,
grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have
white
wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things
really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre,
kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours
it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep,
Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says definitely, "I am Pierre, the
fighter pilot! If
I go down, I go down in flames!"
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary
to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was
actually the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that
time federal police authority has grown to a large number
of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, ATF, etc...
Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency:
The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see it now? The new agents in their black uniforms
with the initials in large white letters across their backs?
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
Were you watching?
Check it out:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"All of us encounter, at least once in our life, some individual
who utters words that make us think forever. There are men
whose phrases are oracles; who can condense in one sentence
the secrets of life; who blurt out an aphorism that forms a
character, or illustrates an existence."
-Benjamin Disraeli.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
You have to practice?
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Strange nudists...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The "Politically Correct" 23rd Psalm:
The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship, and I am in
a position of negative need.
He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me
into lateral proximity with a non-torrential aqueous accumulation.
He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the
non-illuminated geological interstice of mortality, terror sensations
shall not be manifest within me due to the proximity of omnipotence.
Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce
in me a pleasurific mood state.
You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support structure in the
context of non-cooperative elements.
You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts, and
my beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters.
Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor that your
inter-relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful attributes will pursue me
as their target focus for the duration of the current non-death period.
And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the Lord
on a permanently open-ended time basis.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The Messagepad
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The Golden Girls uncovered !
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<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-30&R=2-10-1">Click
Here</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you
give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice
to him."
The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice. During the wedding
ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said,
"No deposit, no return."
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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm">Click</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3
months ago."
John says, "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
She says, "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home.
On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good
sport."
John says, "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan says, "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John says, "Say, you ARE a good sport."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not
color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Aggie is still on vacation in Spain...her and Bruno will be
returning soon.
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
One tough lady...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive
Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.
He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the
entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he
turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas
Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Morris Mann, from
Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Nelly's, a
well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland, a local Irishman sidled up to one
of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm
sorry,"
said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper
cons."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Have a great day!!!
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It could be worse
http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-32&R=2-10-1
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-32&R=2-10-1">Click
Here</a>
-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
In the darkness, 6 dogs sat completely still. No one dared
move. Their plan had not worked as it was supposed to. Half
of their pack was still on the outside. They remained silent
and all had the same question in their heads. Which of the
two groups of six would survive?
The six dogs still in the basement sat in the darkness
without making a sound. They didn't want to make a noise and
get caught but also because none of them knew what to say.
All of them were hiding under some shelving or behind some
boxes.
From where Sam was hiding he could see a tiny ray of
sunlight coming through a crack in the bulkhead door. He
imagined himself with the ability to shrink down to the size
where he could slip through the crack. To be able to escape
this chosen cell and walk free around the farm and still
come back to safety, the best of both worlds.
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Morris a big city CPA, moves to the country and decides he's going
to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
"Give me100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later Morris returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500
baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You
must really be
doing well!"
"Naw," said Morris with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too
deep or
too far apart!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy
noticed a redhead with huge breasts. "Hey Pop," the son cried,
"look at
those boobs!"
The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to a military academy.
Six months later the boy came home, and the father decided to take him on
another busride. Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from
them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed,
"Look
at the boobs on that redhead!"
"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the
ass on that
bus driver!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Lets go oral...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
LOS ANGELES (Wireless Flash) -- The re-release of "E.T.:
The Extraterrestrial" is arousing interest in a 1985 porno
film it inspired: "E 3: The Extra Testicle."
That's according to "E 3" director Ron Jeremy, whose 1985
film spoof is considered one of the all-time classic pornos
even though it bombed upon release.
"E 3's" plot concerns a green alien with three testicles
who tries to hook up with some Earth babes and Jeremy is
proud that it's one of the "...few name rip-off porn films
that sticks to the plot."
Jeremy doesn't know what Steven Spielberg thinks of the
porno spoof -- he's just glad he's never been sued.
Still, he hopes to reissue the kinky alien flick on DVD
later this year.
These days, Jeremy shies away from "name ripoffs" but made
an exception for his latest project, "Being Ron Jeremy,"
which pokes fun at "Being John Malkovich."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's
Grandfather slipped her five $100 bills which she concealed in
her glove, since he told her to keep it for "mad money".
By tradition, the couple spent their first night together in the
family's historic house. The bride's Grandmother saw her
sneaking down the stairs later that night, and asked where she
was going. "I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's
important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You march
yourself
right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your
bare hands just as I did your Grandfather's."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] B A C K I N
C H E L S E A [||||]
On Spring Break in Venice, Chelsea Clinton billed and cooed for three
nights in the bridal suite of Gritte Palace with fellow Rhodes Scholar
Ian Klaus registered as "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." (NY
Times)
The GOP's Morality Squad immediately launched a campaign to have Chelsea
impeached from Oxford.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating.
Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he
was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has hundreds
of perforations.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to
the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled,
and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
From Jamaica....
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Marvin was in the hospital. He was an old man.
Anyway, there was this young nurse. Everytime she came in,
she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a
patronizing tone of voice "And how are we doing this morning?!"
One day, Marvin had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray,
and put it on his stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill.
The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it.
"It seems we are a little cloudy today..."
At this, Marvin snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top,
and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe
I can filter it better this time."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny lady?
A counterfeit dollar is a phony buck.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
This week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Rules Aren't For Adults, Are They?
I've always thought the Zero Tolerance drug policy has been pretty
stupid, because it's so narrow and inflexible that students have been
suspended for taking aspirin, menstrual cramp medicine, and even
prescription drugs.
But Zero Tolerance wasn't originally a bad policy. The logic behind was
pretty good. "Drugs are bad. We don't want drugs in our school. If you
have drugs, then you are bad. Therefore, you cannot be in school."
It was as simple as that. But somehow, the policy was subjected to
addle-minded bureaucracy, and was changed into: "Drugs are bad. Drugs
come in pill form. Aspirin comes in pill form. Therefore, aspirin is
bad. Which means you can't come to school. Neener neener neener"
But if Zero Tolerance is such a big deal, why does the Escambia
(Florida) County School system have to rehire a school employee who
showed up for work with cocaine in his system?
According to a March 15 story in the Pensacola News Journal, Robert
Sites III, was "agitated and nervous" when he arrived at Brentwood
Middle School on August 10th, before the fall semester began. According
to one teacher, Sites' pupils were "the size of quarters," and during
a
staff meeting, Sites spoke to the group in a "rambling, unfocused"
style.
Sites agitation was understandable, since he would face hundreds of 12
and 13 year old pubescents with rampaging hormones when the fall
semester began. However, adminstrators decided to test him for drugs
anyway.
Sites: The kids just need to understand how the Republicans want to
repopulate our city with little purple geometric designs I once saw in a
book about Uzbekistan. Did I ever tell you I wanted to go to Uzbekistan?
I even made a hotel reservation, until I found out that they didn't have
a Holiday Inn in Uzbekistan, which means I couldn't have made the
reservation in the first place. I like Holiday Inn because they have
those little tiny soap bars. I use them to--
Assistant Principal: Robert, I need you to focus. Robert! Robert, look
at me! (claps hands sharply).
Sites: Dude, there's ants on me! GET 'EM OFF, GET 'EM OFF!!
Sites' agitation was better understood when it was discovered that he
had 50 times above the cutoff level for a positive drug test. According
to the PNJ, Sites had 7,500 nanograms per liter of cocaine in his
system. 150 nanograms is considered a positive test. Sites never
contested the results.
Sites was understandably terminated from his technology coordinator
position on September 18th by the Escambia County School Board, after it
was recommended by Superintendent Jim Paul.
And in a not-too-surprising knee-jerk reaction, the Escambia Education
Board (that's the teachers union) filed a grievance the next day. The
union says the board violated the collective bargaining agreement
because they didn't tell Sites he had a right to representation at the
time he was fired. The union also wants the board to use "progressive
discipline."
Progressive discipline is where someone is reprimanded, given a second
chance, suspended, given a third chance, gets fired, blows it again in a
drug-induced, gun-waving paranoia, goes to jail, and is then asked to
appear as Ally McBeal's love interest. Oh wait, that's the Robert Downey
Jr. Progressive Death Spiral. But that's the gist of what progressive
discipline involves: giving a teacher another chance, even though
students are booted from school because they had a Flintstones Chewable
Vitamin in their pocket. Students rarely get progressive discipline in
drug cases.
So are you surprised that independent arbitrator Tom Young ruled that
Sites shouldn't have been fired, and wants him rehired with full pay and
benefits? Of course not! Because we're in America, and in America,
stupid things like this happen all the time. We should be used to it by
now.
Oh sure, Young said Sites has to be evaluated by a substance abuse
counselor, complete a rehabilitation program, and test negative for
drugs when he starts working again, but how is that fair when a high
school student has "EXPELLED FOR TAKING MENSTRUAL CRAMP MEDICINE AT
SCHOOL. SHE IS EVIL AND WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!" stamped in red ink on
her permanent record, and she's trying to apply to Stanford?
Bob Husbands, the executive director of the Escambia Education
Association, said the EEA agrees with the arbitrator's decision. He then
whined, "There is nowhere in board policy, law or contract where zero
tolerance for employees is referenced." Husbands did not address the
fairness of expelling students while holding teachers to a different
standard. Of course, he wasn't asked, but that's beside the point. Sites
has been called a "role model" for students and an outstanding employee.
So why isn't the outstanding employee and role model being subjected to
the same rules as students?
Superintendent Paul was flabbergasted, although he didn't say so in so
many words.
"We are expelling kids for taking aspirin or No-Doz. Now we are talking
about someone taking cocaine, and that's OK," said Paul. "This is one
of
the most bizarre things I have had to deal with. To think we would have
to take someone back into a school -- a school with children -- who has
been proven to take cocaine is an outrage" (yes, Superintendent Paul,
most schools do have children in them. That's what makes them schools,
as opposed to steel mills).
So you see, Paul was somewhat flabbergasted. Once he recovers, he is
expected to recommend that the School Board to appeal the arbitrator's
decision.
What happens next is anyone's guess. Will the Escambia County School
Board prevail and remove Sites from his job? Or will they relax their
Zero Tolerance policy, since they can't explain why they can have a coke
fiend in their midst, but will still not tolerate teenage girls taking
menstrual cramp medicine? Or will Sites be hounded out of his job by a
rampaging mob of angry teens hopped up to their eyeballs on aspirin and
No-Doz?
Continue reading Laughing Stalk to find out. I probably won't follow up
on this story, but continue reading anyway. I need the readers.
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.