<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
First...my apologies for the issue coming out so late yesterday...my
website crashed (once more)...but it has since been corrected...we
finally found a huge error in the coding of my site and I think we now
have that error corrected....that should end the downtime. My unsubscribe
page is still not working correctly though...so if you really wish to get
off this list...please send me a nice note and I will remove you
personally...
I am postponing the live chat for a little while...it will still occur...but
I want to clean up some stuff here first...an announcement with all
the details will be made here soon.
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Marina, Stan, Wayne,
Barb, Kris, Ishy, Tom.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned during Spring Training.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Closing the hole...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.476
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.476
Meatless days...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.477
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.477
------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
Today's issue is brought to you by:
Put your brand on everyone's desktop...See You Again software
gives you the ability to get your logo right up in front of
the people you need...bringing them back over and over again
to YOUR site! Get a jump on the competition...See You Again!
<a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/23.html">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/23.html
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead
at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five
complete their playing time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and
asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"They draw straws and
Goldberg
picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever
meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg goes over
to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks
what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is
afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "OK I'll go tell him."
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
LIKE MY LIST?
Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?
Vote Now :
<a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0
">Vote for Me!</a>
------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php">Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic
cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside
and was amused to see an electric can opener.
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
Ah...next week for sure!
Check out the poll at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">FunStop</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/
-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
You only meet a once in a life time friend, once in a life time
-Little Rascals
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Getting some exercise..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.478
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.478
In you go...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.479
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.479
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A state trooper notices a car weaving
in the road, and when he pulls it over,
a beautiful woman gets out.
She is clearly under the influence,
but just to make sure he gives her
the breathalyzer test.
Sure enough, she's over the limit, so
the trooper says, "Madam, you've had
a couple of stiff ones."
"Oh," says the lady, "it shows THAT too?"
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Bible Trivia Game -
Test your knowledge of the Bible!
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.34
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
HOCKEY TERMS CANADIANS SHOULD KNOW
Wraparound--Visors worn by Europeans which piss off Don Cherry
Blue line-- Mark on ribcage from leaning over bar, replaying game
Redline-- Mark on new sweater from leaning over Wet Paint sign at penalty bench
Net-- The 25% which goes to winner of 50-50 draw
Zamboni-- Machine used to fill arena with noxious, poison fumes
Deke-- "The Enforcer"--leads league in PIMs
PIMs-- Rating system for unskilled players
Offside-- Hitting on the team owner's daughter
Pass-- See Offside
Score-- See Offside--Also see "Traded"
Jock-- Scot who enjoys a wee dram before, during and after game
Boarding-- What a new player to town does until after having his first team
party
Rink-- Weekend hangout for parents
Body check-- Test rink boards, glass, for durability
Slapshot-- Movie poking fun at Canada's national past-time
Hooking-- What the gal in the thigh-length boots up in Section 14 does for a
living
Shoot-- What religious kids say after missing wide-open net
#@$%&#-- What religious kids say after missing net in Week 2 of season
Scoreboard-- Place for annoying company signs and logos
Overtime-- Bar where players drink for free after closing time so owner can
feel important
Stanley Cup-- Trophy awarded to championship team just prior to opening of
training camp
Europeans-- Skilled players who refuse to watch Coach's Corner
Gross Misconduct-- The sometimes carryings on of very rich role models
Play by Play-- Break between TV commercials
Instant Replay-- New electronic means to prove on-ice officials' incompetence
Predators (1)-- ANOTHER damned Yankee team....from Peoria, or Portland, or....
Predators (2)-- Agents
Original Six-- Pre-inflation case of Red Cap ale; now called a Two-Four
Puck-- Nickname for the millionaire who sold Gretzky to millionaire now in jail
Penalty Box-- Good place for TV close-ups of players mouthing the "F"
word at each other
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
Lovers Caught on Tape! People caught with their "pants down"
in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action
from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX! Ever wonder what
would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well
these folks found out the HARD way!
<a href="http://www.vidbidness-partners.com/b.asp?id=1101">Click</a>
http://www.vidbidness-partners.com/b.asp?id=1101
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or
not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to
be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be
prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold
indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be
prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to
be
a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold
winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every
scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood
like crazy!"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Just received an email from Aggie....she and Bruno are having a
great time and are now cruising around in the Mediterranean...but
she asked that you continue to send her questions so that when
she returns she can catch up!
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Check the license plate.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.480
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.480
In my place...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.481
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.481
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when
he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his
first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad
went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his
first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like
ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't
mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for
it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young
lad when the order was completed.
A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's
five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it
home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in
his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided
to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his
underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt
and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he
stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he
exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five
more yards of it at home!"
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A volcano is erupting in the Philippines. It's changed travel
agency promotions for the country. The islands are now
designated as either smoking or non-smoking.
--
Most of those condoms given out at the Olympics turned
out to be for all the athletes who were screwed by the judges.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Thesaurus Tangle Jr. -
Unscramble the mystery synonym relating to a word.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.35
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman wanted to surprise her husband so she bought a pair
of crotchless panties. When her husband got home from work,
he found his wife spread eagle on the floor with the panties
on. 'You want some of this?' she asked.
The husband replied 'Hell no! Look what it did to your
underwear!'
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles
to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour!
Get YOUR FREE CD today:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/">FREE!</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
In a university biology class, the professor was discussing the
high glucose levels found in semen.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand,
you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add
statistical
info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's
face turned bright red and, as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her things without
a
word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was
classic.
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and
not
the back of your throat...Have a nice day."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Cards for men...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.482
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.482
Truthfull vows...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.483
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.483
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A Thai woman hit the jackpot on her country's version
of the TV show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? - only
to lose it over a computer blunder.
Organisers took away the 1 million baht prize money,
worth about 16,000, after it was discovered a cable
plugged into her computer monitor highlighted the
correct answers.
The cable was supposed to have been connected to the
host's computer.
The quiz show's production team became suspicious about
Lertlak Panchanawaporn's success and questioned her after
the show. She then confessed to noticing the highlights
around the answers.
After the mistake became known, the game show host
apologised and asked Lertlak to try again. The second time
around she answered only five questions right to win 25,000
baht.
Lertlak had exhausted her three lifelines by the fifth
question when she noticed the answer she thought was correct
was highlighted.
She picked it and continued choosing the highlighted answers
for the remaining questions until she had answered all 16.
Lertlak, who sells surgical masks, says she wanted to inform
the host, Traipop Limprapat, about the glitch but was waiting
for journalists watching the session to leave first.
Traipop said he never wondered why Lertlak became knowledgeable
after the fifth question.
"I didn't feel anything, just that she was very smart despite
her fourth-grade education," he was quoted by Thai Rath
newspaper as saying.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Doug was depressed when he came back from the doctor's office.
" What's the matter," his wife asked.
"The doctor said I had to take these white pills every day
for the rest of my life."
The wife said,"So, what's so bad about that?
" He only gave me seven."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] E A R L Y W I T H D R A W A
L [||||]
Overburdened by terrorist investigations, the FBI will leave bank heists
to state police to prosecute and will no longer chase the ski-masked
teller tappers. (USA Today)
Except, of course, those whose demand notes are written in Arabic.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Billy Bob and Bubba fly to Alaska for a fishing trip. They hire a
bush pilot and rent a boat, rods, and tackle. After two weeks they
have caught only one salmon.
''MAN Bubba," Billy Bob says, "Do you realize this lousy fish
cost us about $2000 apiece."
'Wow," Bubba replies, 'At that rate it's a good thing we only got one
of them Lil' Suckers."
--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------
Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html
">Click</a>
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Get one free...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.484
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.484
What is PMS..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.485
">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.485
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night.
His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I
want?"
He says, "No."
She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I
want?"
He says, "Yeah, you want the whole bed to yourself!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"GOOD MOVIE REVIEWS DON'T COME CHEAP"
I heard some bad news recently: David Manning, the famous
film critic, is dead. Killed in his prime, depriving the
world of his incomparable brilliance.
Sony Pictures has officially ended the career of the fake
critic, who was created to rave about Sony's films. His
demise means that there's only one person still living who
liked Rob Schneider's movie "The Animal." Someone named
Pilar Schneider, also known as "Mom."
Sony has agreed to pay $325,000 to the state of Connecticut
to settle charges of false advertising for using Manning's
glowing blurbs in its movie ads. Manning, purported to work
for Ridgefield Press in Connecticut, had touted "The Animal"
as "another winner," while his fellow critics thought
otherwise, calling it "another loser!"
If you're wondering why Sony is paying only $325,000,
there's a good explanation. "Only one Connecticut family
went to watch 'The Animal,'" said the state's attorney
general, "and that's how much they paid for popcorn. It's a
good thing for Sony they didn't buy drinks."
As part of the agreement, Sony is forbidden from creating
any more movie critics and from allowing Manning to
resurface in any form, except perhaps as a Florida voter.
(He had pledged to vote for President Bush again.)
Sony also faces a class-action lawsuit filed by two Los
Angeles residents who claim that they and other moviegoers
were enticed by Manning's words to watch such duds as "A
Knight's Tale," "Hollow Man," and "The Animal." Forget
the
cost of movie tickets and popcorn -- Sony may have to shell
out millions just to cover all the pain and suffering.
If Sony has any sympathy whatsoever, it will destroy all
remaining copies of "The Animal." Or better yet, ship them
to another country, preferably Iraq.
President Bush: "Saddam Hussein, if you don't stop making
biological weapons, we'll be forced to unleash 'The Animal'
on you."
Hussein: "The Animal? Ha ha! We're not scared of Mike Tyson.
What's he going to do? Bite my ear?"
Bush: "I'm not talking about Tyson. I'm talking about Rob
Schneider. We're prepared to drop five million copies of his
movie on Iraq."
Hussein: "Noooo! Not Schneider!!! Have some mercy, Mr.
Bush. Think of all the innocent people. Think of all the
complaints they'll make to Amnesty International. Please,
Mr. Bush, I'll do anything you ask. I'll divorce three of my
wives. I'll stop torturing my brothers. I'll send a case of
the finest Iraqi beer to your daughters."
Sony's deception is nothing new for Hollywood. If movie
blurbs can't be fabricated, they can certainly be bought or
manipulated. Movie critic Roger Ebert might say: "This movie
is like raw fish. Take it anywhere and it will stink up
the entire neighborhood." The movie blurb, of course, would
say: "This movie is ... raw ... . Take ... the entire
neighborhood."
It's a pity that Sony resorted to fake blurbs, because the
world will never find out how big a flop "The Animal" really
was.
Theater Manager: "I can't believe it. Three people are
watching 'The Animal.' That's wonderful! I knew Rob
Schneider's hometown wouldn't let him down."
Assistant: "Don't get excited. I let three homeless people
in for free. They needed a place to sleep, but when the
movie began, one of them ran off screaming."
Manager: "One ran off? Then who's the third person in the
theater?"
Assistant: "Someone named David Manning. Strange guy. Wanted
to know if we're getting any more Rob Schneider films. Says
they're all winners."
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
send a blank
mailto:join-funnycolumns@relay.netatlantic.com