<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
The free days of the internet seem to be slowly coming to a close....
yesterday Yahoo Mail sent out a notice advising people that free
POP3 access would be ending soon...and to continue to use POP3
with Yahoo Mail you will soon have to pay for that service. Canada.com
(another large free email provider) announced that to continue to use
its service you must log into the website at least once per month. And
I understand that Hotmail/MSN is planning the same type of action in
the very near future. Costs are increasing and service levels are
decreasing...attempting to get in contact with a real live human at
Yahoo these days is impossible...and most of the online email
providers no longer respond to queries or complaints...the Internet
was a huge free marketing tool for a long time...but it had to catch
up with them eventually and now everyone must pay. Oh well...I am
set up now with my own "free" email service and have no plans for
using Yahoo Mail anyway!
Speaking of Yahoo (and hopefully it remains free)...I am still working
on trying to set a time and date for a live video chat coming soon on
Yahoo Instant Messenger...stay tuned for more details.
Today's issue includes contributions by: John, SunAmy, Barb, Rubin.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
An itchy cock.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A hunter in Uganda is being sought by
local authorities for illegally hunting
gorillas. He shoots them with a
tranquilizer gun and dresses them in
clown suits. So far six gorillas have
been found wandering around in this
condition. A Ugandan spokesman stated
that this was a person with a truly
sick sense of humor. They felt this
was a cruel practice, since they had
to tranquilize the gorillas again to
take the suits off.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after
some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of
weeks later I came home from work to find my fiancee quite
upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out
why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check,
and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
No one will ever WIN the battle of the sexes. There's just too much
fraternizing with the enemy.
-Henry Kissinger
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
This is gonna hurt...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Political Correctness For Kids
Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage
restrictive."
Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely
hit "social speed bumps."
You're not having a bad hair day; you're
suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically
enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally
selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly
verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's
"transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful.
It's "digestively challenged."
Your homework isn't missing; it's just having
an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing
consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor
retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were
"participating in the discreet exchange of penned
meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office.
You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the
administrative over-seer building.
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Robix -
Get your 10 marbles to the bottom before the computer.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.21
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Keli, Anni and Wendy were walking down the beach when
a seagull dumps a load on Wendy.
Keli says "I'll go and get some toilet paper."
When she left, Anni turned to Wendy and said, "Boy, is Keli
ever stupid. By the time she gets back, that seagull will be
miles away."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The teen couple ended their date at her house. Since it was
still early, she invited the boy in.
As he sat down on the sofa she said, "Would you like to
have a lil' drink?"
He grinned and replied, "I'd like to have a little -- period."
"How very convenient." she mused. "'Cause that's exactly
what I'm having."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
I once read a book about anti-gravity.....I just couldn't put it down.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Aggie is still sunning herself off the coast of Spain...her and Bruno
are working up a couple of real good tans!
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Ouch!!
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Not long at all...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Important News for Women on Sex and Health...
1. Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.
2. If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five
porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3. A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.
4. Every ten minutes of love-making is equivalent to thirty
minutes on the treadmill.
5. Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6. Intercourse prevents divorce.
7. Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the
number of brain cells.
8. Sex eliminates headaches.
9. Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man
hard," triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10. Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you
and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?"
Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If you
have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of
yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes
from
fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing
is making a fuel of yourself!"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Score A Million Jr. -
Challenge yourself with this exciting trivia game.
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">Play it</a>
--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
The Savior Complex (or Christ Complex) is a very common driving neurosis.
It is almost impossible to drive down the highway without encountering a fellow
driver that suffers from this.
The hallmarks of the Savior Complex are:
1. A license plate that says JESUS. This is a dead giveaway.
2. A car with a fish symbol on the bumper.
3. A car with a fish on the bumper (although this just might be a
forgetful fisherman.)
4. A driver who screams "Jesus Christ" to let others know who
he is.
5. A driver that tries to drive across a large puddle of water, thinking
that they can "drive on water."
The fallacy in this neurosis is that Christ would not have been so vain as to
have a vanity plate with his name. It is even doubtful that he owned a
car. And for those idiots that get stuck in the middle of sinkhole they
were sure they could drive through, I have a psychoanalytical news flash for
you: Christ walked on water, he didn't drive over it. Your engine
will flood. Your car will get wet. You may think you're the
almighty, but the buoyancy of your ego won't keep you afloat. Of course,
if you were Moses, then you could just part the waters and be on your way.
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd
comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in!
The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you
believe that shit?"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Paul walked into a bar, and a very attractive lady recognized
him as the "Grand Pooh-Bah!. They start to talk, and eventually,
go back to his place. They start to kiss, and Paul off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this tattoo because REEBOK pays me so well for
advertising in my joke lists.
Then Paul takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo
that says NIKE.
"What's that?" the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reeboks tattoo, NIKE pays me well for their
advertising so I got this tattoo for them too!
Then Paul drops his underwear and on his penis, he has a tattoo
that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no! Calm down," Paul replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a
minute."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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Going for a test ride...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
KAMPALA (Reuters) - A Ugandan woman bit off her husband's
penis and testicles during an argument, police said on
Wednesday.
The woman, Annet Minduru, 30, was in police custody in the
capital Kampala and might be charged with causing grievous
bodily harm, said the officer in charge of the station,
Vigilius Okuni.
The independent Monitor newspaper said Minduru had bitten
off John Ndekeezi's penis and testicles Sunday night after
her 45-year-old husband slapped her.
"Because I was so drunk she overpowered me and by the time my
neighbor came to my rescue, she had bitten off both my
testicles and the penis," Ndekeezi told the paper.
Minduru's account of events was not immediately available.
The attack came only days after a man died in central Uganda
after his wife, angered by his inability to provide for her
and his two children, cut off his testicles.
The cases come on the heels of a survey showing high levels of
domestic violence against women in some parts of Uganda.
Last week Vice President Specioza Kazibwe told women legislators
she had been forced to end her 23-year marriage because her
husband had beaten her even after she was appointed to office.
Her husband said he had beaten her only twice.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel
room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to
find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for
endurance."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] P R A I S E A L L A
H [||||]
Blocking efforts of firefighters to affect a rescue, religious police in
Mecca allowed 14 school girls to perish in a boarding school fire
because they weren't wearing the berkas required of women for street
wear. (AP)
Chalk up another victory for the camel poop for brains religious
fanatics.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Anni had just totalled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the
wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh
lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car
looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an
elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" Anni chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer
asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" Anni blonde began.
"I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere
this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the
right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left
and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and
there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there
was...."
"Uh, ma'am, 'the officer said, cutting her off, "There
isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air
freshener swinging back and forth."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me
what a chicken gives?"
Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a
goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"
And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell
me what the cow gives?"
And Little Johnny replied, "Homework and lessons...!!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
How do you know when you're living in a really bad neighborhood?
The church has a bouncer.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Undressing Us With Their Electronic Eyes
The "Rapiscan Secure 1000"
By Doug Powers
Since September 11th the security industry has been clamoring to come up with
new and inventive ways to try and see under our clothes under the guise of
"security." Enter the Rapiscan Secure 1000. The new device can see
everything under your clothing with the wave of a wand and will replace the
outdated Rapiscan Secure 900, which was a dirty old man with a mirror on the
bottom of his cane. But are all these new detection devices in the name of
security going to be effective in catching would-be terrorists, or simply be
yet another case of the government violating civil liberties?
The prevention of another tragedy has been a priority in the last few months,
and the Rapiscan, along with other new high tech devices, are being tested at a
single airport. As you would think, when you're testing security devices,
you're going to want to conduct the test near an area that is of vital national
interest, making it a prime terrorist target. A place that is the hub of
American activity. A place that is the focus of our national pride and a
monument to the freedom we have been blessed with for well over 200 years and
which is in many ways the financial headquarters of this country. You guessed
it - Disney World.
Several new security systems are being tested at Orlando International Airport,
but only on a voluntary basis. Hopefully future technological advances in
security will include a light beam that when directed at terrorists, makes them
want to be stupid enough to go through a voluntary search area. We run security
on the honor system far too often. I wouldn't be surprised that in not long
from now, some congressperson, fearing a radiological nightmare wrought on an American
city by terrorists, will propose a "Toys for Dirty Nukes" exchange
program. We can only hope that the evil-doers will find more value in a scale
model radio controlled Hummer or E-Z Bake Oven than wiping out millions of us
infidels.
The Rapiscan uses low energy X-rays to search a person through clothing, making
the searchee appear on the security screen completely nude. The upside to all
this, claim Rapiscan's proponents, is that it will eliminate hands on searches,
or "groping" as it's known in sexual harassment lawsuits and women
interviewing for jobs in some senate offices. The downside is that a few of
these still-shots may make their way to the streets and then before you know it
that scuzzball-on-wheels Larry Flynt has a new magazine. There's also the
possibility of human failure in all of this. Do you really think that the
person running the machine and looking at nude people all day on the television
screen could do an effective job while the whole time praying to the maker that
Bea Arthur doesn't come through? I didn't think so.
The Rapiscan also raises several concerns on the civil liberties front. The
American Civil Liberties Union considers this nothing more than a cyber strip
search. According to CBS News, (http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/03/15/attack/main503830.shtml)
security officials claim that the new scanner will only be used when a
passenger shows an "anomaly", which means that people with osteoporosis
and men at various stages of arousal will be picked out more frequently than
anybody else. It's profiling, except instead of targeting middle-eastern males,
they'll be unwittingly singling out the horny and the calcium deficient.
In the same CBS News story, Rapiscan Secure 1000 project manager Bryan Allman
said, "Everybody has to learn that the world has changed since Sept. 11,
and the world needs a much more thorough type of screening." Much of that
is true, but we must also use extreme caution. That's the same kind of thing
they told Japanese-Americans as they were herded into internment camps.
"Sorry guys, the world's changed since December 7th." Conducting
random searches while at the same time preserving civil liberties may not be
possible. The two go together like Dick Cheney and fried cheese.
The only true way to protect American citizens from terrorism while at the same
time preserving our civil liberties is to make sure that the terrorists don't
get here in the first place, and that's where the INS would normally do their
job were they to stop watching Jerry Springer and actually pay attention.
Preventing would-be terrorists from entering the country is a major function of
the INS, but based on past performance, they're woefully inept. Two of the
September 11 hijackers recently received their visas, and I hear that Emperor
Hirohito's recently got the okie-dokie and was dropped in the mail this
morning. The INS claims two points, that the visas were approved pre-9/11, and
that they had no way of knowing that the two were terrorists. Then what are
they even there for? To make sure somebody (start ital)really(end ital)
dangerous doesn't get in?
Hopefully the entire terrorist motivation will soon be eliminated anyway. With
so many of the al-Qaeda being wiped out, I figure heaven's got to be running
dangerously low on virgins. They're flying off the shelves like bottled water
and plywood before a hurricane. It's only a matter of time before one of these
guys is hugely disappointed. Here's an al-Qaeda soldier single handedly taking
on an AC-130 gunship so he can get his "eternal reward", and all that
turns out to be is a brief and awkward meeting that ends as Allah apologizes
and hands him a raincheck.
Will technology such as the Rapiscan Secure 1000 help save lives? Not if it's
used in a bureaucratic environment. On paper the Rapiscan, like the INS, is a
good idea. In application we'd be better protected by the Three Stooges. It has
the potential for good, but will probably end up a mess. It's a semi truck
filled with humanitarian aid being driven by a drunken narcoleptic. The truck's
fine, we just need a different driver.
--
Doug Powers is a writer of humor who maintains his summer home in
mid-Michigan, and in the winter he moves to the south side of the same house
and deludes himself into thinking that he has a winter home. He is
constantly proofread by his wife and three children. In addition to columns
and stories, Doug writes all kinds of short form humor, topical jokes, etc,
for Laugh.Com and Airborne Entertainment, supplying humor content to
wireless internet subscribers worldwide, except for maybe Calcutta and
Bangledesh. Doug can be reached via his website at www.dougpowers.com or
email at Comedywriter@voyager.net.