<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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First day of spring today? MY BUTT! It is colder right now than it
has been all winter long! Yesterday we broke the record for the
coldest March 19th in history...and over the last week we have
received over 2 feet of snow...more than the whole winter to that
point! So although they tell us that spring is actually here some-
time this afternoon...I will believe it when I see it!
I am finally getting to the bottom of some of my website problems...
the unsubscribe page is still not working...but I am going to attempt
to get it fixed next...you can send me a personal email and I will
remove you from the list if that is your wish.
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Jamie, Steven,
Di Ann, Stan, Barb, Ishy, Barbara, The Posens, Rubin, John.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned during Spring Training.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
What a Good Knight...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Why we need lawyers.
You will be pleased to know that the Los Angeles law firm, Morrison &
Foerster LLP, the largest law firm in California, has filed a lawsuit
against Email spammer Etracks.com, claiming that Etracks has sent the
firm 6,500 unsolicited commercial email advertisements after being
told to stop. They claim the continued mailings are in opposition to
the state's anti-spam statutes.
Additionally the suit alleges that Etracks did not add the required
"ADV:" or "ADV:ADLT" text to the subject line nor include
the required
toll-free telephone number and valid return address.
"We are a business that lives on email now, so it is very important
that we make the tool as productive as possible," said Michael Jacobs,
the attorney handling the case. The law firm has 980 [angry] lawyers
in 18 offices worldwide.
In addition to seeking a halt to the mailings, the firm is seeking
monetary damages, attorney fees and $50 per email, up to $25,000 per
day.
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse
stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves
over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the
examination bed and says, "Stick it through that
curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out
his penis and sticks it through the crack in the
curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.
"Holy Shit, Lady. I never knew you had a minimum!"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
Well guess what...it is finally fixed...but no new poll is running
yet...will get to it ASAP!
Check it out:
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
It is hard to say whether the doctors of laws or the doctors of divinity
have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery.
-Samuel Goldwyn
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Knock at your own risk!
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Dear Dr. Ruth.
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">Click Here </a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your
mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we
order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all
three."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Score A Million Jr. -
Challenge yourself with this exciting trivia game.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.22
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a Priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone says Father."
The second one chirps up, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal.
When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your eminence'."
The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence.
The first three ladies all ask, Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper, and
hung like a rhino. When he walks into in a room everyone
says, "Oh, my God....."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
AUSSIE SLANG TERMS
AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair blonde but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEAVER LEAVER
A homosexual.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you
get there, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is
watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
The female erection.
DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then
fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with
the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass
instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it
is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples
simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of your Wank Tanks.
FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT
The sound made when driving through traffic at too high a speed.
GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With
Lies.
GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in
a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars
that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of
training.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!
Aa!".
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the
'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub
is suddenly packed with great looking people when you come back in.
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.
PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4
buttocks.
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual.
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.
TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their
head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g.
"I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on
blocks".
VAGINA DECLINER
A homosexual.
X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
My mother's cooking is so bad, we all chipped in together and
bought her an oven that flushes.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Aggie is sunning her succulent body somewhere off the coast of
Spain right now...but she is waiting for your questions to answer
upon her return...please send them to:
<a href="mailto:dearaggie@paulsfunhouse.com">Email</a>
mailto:dearaggie@paulsfunhouse.com
or visit her webpage
below!
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Really, Really drunk...
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">Click Here </a>
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He's sure yours...
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">Click Here </a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for
divorce but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun.
It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work
out our problems.
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her
constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my
bowels in a
week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the
doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-
hour in the
morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean
do you take
anything?" "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
The Shell Game -
Guess which cup the ball is under.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.23
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<Shamelessly stolen from Cascade-Express-subscribe@yahoogroups.com>
Think of a number.
.
.
Multiply it by 3.
.
.
Now add 5.
.
.
Take away the number you first thought of.
.
.
Now add 7.
.
.
Subtract 2.
.
.
Add back the number you first thought of.
.
.
Now, close your eyes.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dark, isn't it?
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the
chief. "How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little
while?" asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." Said the
paleface.
"A bag of corn huh." Replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that
woman there into my teepee." He said.
So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all
her clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this
and said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy
saying, "This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach,
pointing to her ass saying, "This corn hole."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The milkmans Kid...
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Parts of the male brain.
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">Click Here </a>
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
Motorists in New Zealand were showered with sewage
after a septic tank truck exploded.
The force of the blast blew out the window of a nearby
hotel and sent debris flying into parked cars.
No-one was injured, but police closed the road for three
hours while firefighters washed away a 50 metre trail
of sewage.
Drivers following the truck through Dunedin reported
seeing steam coming from one side of the tank before it
exploded.
The truck was carrying a mix of liquid sewage and hydrogen
peroxide, the Otago Daily Times reports.
Joe Callahan says he was driving the truck back to base
after cleaning out a sump when the accident happened. The
back end of the truck, which can be removed for cleaning,
exploded.
Mr Callahan said: "There must have been a build-up of gas
or something. There was just this loud boom. It threw the
truck across the road. I had trouble keeping it straight."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Keli and Anni went to a "Dude Ranch" in Texas. The cowboy
preparing the horses asked Anni she wanted a Western or
English saddle, and Anni asked what the difference was.
The Cowboy told her one had a horn and one didn't.
Anni replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't
expect we'll run into too much traffic."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] S E E M S S
O F A R A W A Y
[||||]
Yoko Ono unveiled a seven foot bronze statue of her late mate at
Liverpool's dedication of their new John Lennon
Airport. (USA Today)
The statue depicts the quintessential Beatle being frisked by a non
English speaking security screener from Pakistan.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first
day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile,
gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep
out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied
indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Staight to the Dog box...
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Not what they want to hear...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees
to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks
and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to
do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you
have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to
write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next
Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb
traditions,including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and
tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb
of your choice and a covered dish. Share the light, and hospitality. Open
hearts, open minds, open doors. The People of the United Methodist Church
(TM)
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Why couldn't the Wildebeest buy a new car?
The bank didn't make gnu car loans.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
March 18, 2002
While the Senate is in its final debate on long-stalled on legislation
concerning the size of the bribes they're allowed to take, Satan is having no
such problems. Just like the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, all
you have to do is sign over your soul for a free La-Z-Boy recliner.
- Helen -
10. A group of masochistic poodles has issued a "cease and desist"
order against The Humane Society, momentarily halting their efforts to stop the
cruel treatment of animals on television. "I hope they don't think they're
speaking for all species when they oppose cruelty," said spokespoodle
Muhammad Thunderpants. "Some of us actually like that sort of thing."
9. In keeping with the INS decision to issue visas last week to two of the
terrorist hijackers who crashed planes into the World Trade Center, the
Department of the Interior has finally given permission for the building of the
Hoover Dam, the FCC has issued a broadcast license to Fox, the FDA has ordered
Coca Cola to remove cocaine from their product, and the DMV has finally issued
a driver's license to Princess Di.
8. "She should have eaten them," said Jeffery Dahmer about
Andrea Yates from the forth level of hell. "Then she would have been found
not guilty due to insanity," he continued. "And besides, children are
particularly good with yams."
7. Why are U.S. troops training in the Republic of Georgia when there is
no serious or immediate terrorist threat emanating from the Pankisi Gorge? How
else could Brenda Lee get inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame?
6. Israeli troops pulled out of Bethlehem. Al Gore shaved his beard.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
5. Satan wasn't invited to Liza Minelli's wedding which is why Burger King is
now selling a veggie burger.
4. Chronic masturbators are up in arms concerning the FBI bust of an Internet
child-pornography ring. "Now we have to make do with the real thing,"
said spokesjerk Oliver Clothesoff, "and you know how hard real children
are to come by."
3. REM guitarist Peter Buck might have seemed like a real jerk when he
ransacked an airplane cabin and scared the air stewardesses to death, but at
least he stopped Tipper Gore from running for the Senate.
2. Joan Rivers thinks the U.S. should have sent anybody but US envoy Anthony
Zinni to the mid-east. "Puh-leese, he's a fashion nightmare," she
quipped before heading off to ruin the Oscars for everybody.
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. Why hasn't the Pope responded to the recent sex-abuse scandals involving
U.S. Catholic priests? He's waiting for "Resident Evil" to break $100
million.
Personal to Tom Ridge: Oooh, I feel so secure.
Personal to Gen Tommy Franks: Is that an anaconda in your pocket?
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
1,700 British troops deployed in Afghanistan plus everyone nominated for an
Oscar divided by everyone who actually gets an Oscar times every wrinkle on
Joan Rivers face equals everyone in Zimbabwe who actually voted for President
Mugabe plus Dick Cheney in 12 countries divided by 10 days minus 3 life terms
plus 90 additional years in prison facing John Walker Lindh.
TYPO FROM HELL
"Another Palestinian blew himself next to a bus."
- Slate Magazine - Today's Papers 3/18 -
HUH?
"MPs Reject Hunting Ban Fudge"
- Guardian headline -
EDUCATION FROM HELL
When Ted Turner started CNN Student News, he promised it would be commercial
free. Now, AOL Time Warner has decided to add commercial
"sponsorships" to the program. Commercials are expected to
debut this month, according to company sources.
At that time, schools and teachers that show CNN Student News will be forcing
captive audiences of students to watch commercial advertising during class
time. The program is shown during class time in about 18,000 schools.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our
Number one Priority and we will not rest until we find him!"
- George Bush on September 13, 2001 -
"I don't know where he is. I have no idea and I really don't care. It's
not that important. It's not our priority."
"George Bush on March 13, 2002 (6 months and 600 Billion Dollars later) -
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job."
- Douglas Adams -
"If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time."
- Anonymous -
ALLY FROM HELL
Saudi Arabia's religious police stopped schoolgirls from leaving a blazing
building because they were not wearing correct Islamic dress. One witness said
he saw three policemen "beating young girls to prevent them from leaving
the school because they were not wearing the abaya."
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
It's an Honor Just to be Nominated
I'm not upset. I'm not frustrated
It's an honor just to be nominated
Forget all the rivals I've dominated
It's an honor just to be nominated
Kissing my ass isn't overrated
It's an honor just to be nominated
If I lose I'll have to be strongly sedated
It's an honor just to be nominated
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/