<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!

Well...Survivor III concluded last night....Ethan (my pick) took home
the million dollars...but what amazed me most was the admission
that people actually liked Lex!  If there was ever a person that should
have been voted out...it was Lex.  People the guy was a first class
asshole...he would stab his own mother in the back...and he was
killing everyone in the challenges!  Pretty neat though when a 56
year old grandma can beat 2 young guys in an endurance test!

Now we have all had our fill of reality TV over the past 4 months...
today marks the 4 month anniversary of Sept 11...but we do need to
begin to resume some type of normalcy....and for me...Survivor is
an out....for one hour each week I can forget my cares and live in
some romantic far away place...

Today's issue includes contributions by: Wayne, Cathy, Rubin, Stan,
Douglas,  Laura, John, Aek, Ruth, Tom.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

It's "LIVE"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Signs that you are going through "The Change!":

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you
are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it
isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you
four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field
trip to Chippendales.
8. You suspect that most of your blouses have ' missing ' buttonholes.

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out
to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs
to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot,"
she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she
walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender
came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have
myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's
yer pecker?"

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------

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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

There are two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
-Albert Einstein

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

When nothing goes your way...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.363 ">When nothing
goes your way...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Limericks for 2002....

It's quite easy writing limericks
Poking fun at dicks and chicks
You'll never have much luck
Rhyming words with "suck"
Cause then you have to use "astericks"

A young chap who hailed from Belize
Never suffered an S. T. disease
Cos he smeared his erection
With a fragrant confection
Of garlic, rancid butter and blue cheese.

There was also a lad from Hong Kong
Whose dicky gave off a strong pong
His girl friend said Cor Blimey
You are making me slimy
AND you've been doing it wrong all along.

<What about you?  Send YOUR best limericks to:
<a href="mailto:limericks@paulsfunhouse.com">Limericks!</a>

------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------

Border Patrol Winter
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Two blondes, Wendy and Anni decided to rob a bank together.

The first blonde, Wendy plans the robbery and goes over the
plan with the second blonde, Anni, in great detail.

The robbery begins. Wendy drives up in front of the bank,
stops the car and says to Anni, "I want to make absolutely
sure you understand the plan.

You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more
than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the
plan?"

"Perfectly," said Anni.

Anni goes in the bank while Wendy waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Wendy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Anni.
She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to
the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of
the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security
guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down
around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals
are getting away, Wendy says "You are such a blonde! I
thought you understood the plan!"

Anni said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Wendy. "You got it all mixed up. I said
tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students.

They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students,
"Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today,
as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II
head of the Nazi Luftwaffe.

What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple
personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's
Carmen or Goering."

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to
take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.

-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------

Dear Aggie:

These weird looking little bugs have invaded my house.  Can you tell me
what they are?

Cyn
Surrounded in pestilence, in TX.

]~[

Dear Sin...

Those little bugs are called "children. Try some garlic over your doors....

Aggie

NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Gimme a break...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.365 ">Gimme a
break...</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.365

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she
was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He
went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted
through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the
unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband...much happier ! "

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

Looking down from the camp's vantage point atop the Tehachapi Mountains
the morning after breaking his holy vows by slipping away to be with the
beautiful Serrano maiden, on the fact that the earth really did move
unnoticed in their passion, the humble explorer (and later to be
canonized) Padre Andreas looked, stunned, at the wreckage and
destruction spread out up and down the length of Alta California, and
said to himself, "This cannot be my fault, can it?"

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

[Ugrin is unavailable]

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Sam and his blonde wife Anni live in Chicago. One winter morning
while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We
are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get through."

Anni goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side
of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Anni goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches
blizzard of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power
goes out....and the radio goes dead.

Anni says, "Sam honey, I don't know what to do now."

Sam says, "Why don't you just leave your car in our heated
garage this time?"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning
a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so
naturally I built it on my new land.

Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job
and move down there for good.

And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and
listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Confused?!?
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.368
">Confused?!?</a>
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A German who claimed an exploding sausage stopped him
kissing for a month has lost his claim for compensation.

The 62-year-old says he suffered fat burns to his mouth
and throat when the bratwurst exploded.

A court in Geseke has turned down his claim for 790
against the butcher who sold the sausage.

The man, named only as Josef M, says hot fat squirted
out of it and scalded the inside of his mouth and throat.

He was treated in hospital and says he remained in
discomfort for several weeks.

"I couldn't kiss for four weeks, the sausage was just too
fatty," he said.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com ">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Having flashed his light into the back of a parked Mini-Van behind a
local burger joint, the Policeman gasped, "Are you two actually having
sex in the parking lot?"

"Why no officer." drawled the sweet young thang. "This here fellow is
just helping me practice in case I meet a strong handsome Policeman I
could really go for."

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] C H E E S E C U T T E R S -- The Pentagon has
engaged 50 researchers to develop a "stink bomb" which, though
physically harmless, would emit a vile odor that could be used to
disburse unruly crowds, drive away enemy troops and protect sensitive
military sites from prying eyes. (LA Daily News)

Now if they can recreate the distinctive aroma of ABC's prime
time sitcoms they'll have something.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a
department store. Little Johnny wanted to go to the
toy department, but grandmother said that they had to
stop in the ladies clothing department first.

Little Johnny obviously couldn't wait that long, and
the next time his grandmother turned around he was
gone. She panicked and looked everywhere for him, but
he had disappeared.

Finally she went to the customer service desk,
intending to have them announce his name over the PA
system. To her relief he was already there waiting
for her. The woman at the desk said, "He wanted us to
announce your name over the PA system, but he didn't'
know what your name was. We asked him what his daddy
called you, and he replied 'mom', next we asked him
what Grandpa called you and he replied 'sugar'. We
were almost out of questions for him when another lady
suggested that your daughter-in-law might call you by
your first name."

"We were so happy to see you show up at the desk," she
continued, "because when we asked him what his mommy
called you, we were out of ideas!"

"Well," asked Little Johnny's grandmother curiously,

"What did he say?"

"He said," she replied, "that his mother called you 'A
BITCH'!"

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Don't panic!!
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.611 ">Don't
panic!!</a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.611

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was
told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you
weren't warned, Ms. Smith."

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

Things That Go Beep In The Morning
by Dave Glardon

There is no more offensive way to be awakened than the
incessant beeping of a digital alarm clock.   This is
a product created for the American consumer market by
the survivors of Hiroshima.  Paybacks are hell.

It's not that the old clanging bell clocks were any
better.  That's a sound that'll wake the dead.  But if
you covered your ears with two pillows, they'd
eventually run out of steam and let you go back to
sleep.

The new clocks play thirty-two different sounds every
four minutes until you figure out the right
combination of switch settings to make it stop.  Then
you get dressed and go play in traffic.  And people
wonder why we have road rage.

My clock has a dream pleasure sensor. If I'm trying to
run from a crazed killer with a bucket of
rattlesnakes, my clock doesn't make a sound.

But let Meg Ryan start nibbling on my ears and it
springs into action.  The clock, that is.  When I go
"Mmmmm," it goes "Beep, Beep, Beep."

Of course, you can never hit the snooze button and get
back to bed fast enough to resume the same dream. I
jump back into bed and close my eyes to enjoy a steamy
encounter to find myself with Margaret Thatcher.  At
that point, I start beeping.

Our clock offers the option of waking up to the radio
instead of an electronic assault, but that's not much
better.  Music makes me want to sleep, so my only
option is to find a really obnoxious station.  At my
age, they're really easy to find.

The problem is when I wake up with a song in my head,
I'm stuck with it all day. The only thing worse than
waking up to the screeching of Janis Joplin is going
through the entire day humming the song to yourself.

Like every other red-blooded American, I set the clock
to go off an hour before I have to get up so I can hit
the snooze button a dozen times.  Yes, I cheat myself
out of an hour of sound sleep, but it's a moral
victory.

I also set the clock's time several minutes later than
the real time.  I change it regularly so I can never
remember in the morning exactly how far ahead it's
set.  Right now, I think it's set for next Thursday.

I can hear my dad right now.  Yes, it would be a lot
easier to set the clock for the right time and just
get out of bed when it goes off.  But that's as
un-American as hot school lunches.  Or listening to
your father's advice.

Okay, so it's safe to say I'm not a morning person.
It's not that I mind waking up.  In fact, compared to
eternal sleep, it does have its advantages.  But does
it have to be first thing in the morning?  Can't I at
least have a cup of coffee first?

As I stumble through the laundry room to take care of
my morning needs, I slip on a dryer sheet that didn't
make it to the trash, then trip over the broomstick
that holds the dryer door closed.  This day's starting
off good.

I get into the bathroom to find that my shaver needs a
recharge, there are no clean towels, and the water
heater has a two-minute supply of lukewarm water.  I
try hard to convince myself that it's really Saturday.

I get dressed, start my truck, make a sandwich, and
leave for work.  Two miles down the road I realize I
forgot my glasses, my wallet, and my medicine.  I
check to make sure I didn't forget to zip my pants.
Good thing I checked.

You'd think I'd find a better way to start the day,
but this is what I'm comfortable with.  If I ever woke
up fully rested and ready to go, I'd have to be sure
my breath would fog a mirror.

Some day, I'll retire from the daily grind.  I'll get
out of bed if and when I feel like it, pour a cup of
coffee, walk across the living room, and write my
column in my pajamas.  What a wonderful thought.  The
peace, the solitude, the what's that noise?

Beep, beep, beep, beep

--

Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense
of the nineties. You can visit his Website at
http://www.daveglardon.com