<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Happy Wednesday...well winter has finally arrived here! Yes it is the
13th of March and we ended up getting about a foot of snow overnight...
pretty much more than we had in total so far this year! Kids figured
that they would have a "snow day" at school today...but no such
luck...
the school is open as usual! ;)
Coming Soon: Live video chat on Yahoo Instant Messenger...times and
dates to follow shortly...but you can be part of it...keep watching this
space for more details on this event.
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, John, Doug,
Renuka, Di Ann, Keli, Terri, Barb, Marina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Did ya hear about the new dance called the mess?
You stand in one spot and just move your bowels.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Limericks:
There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savoured her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish
Young Jimmy said I must confess
I am so totally obsessed
With mammary glands
And my sweaty hands
Can't keep off ladies' lovely Breasts
A Radar Technician named Clare
Climbed the antenna one day for a dare.
She was way up the tower
When they switched on the power
Now Clare has no hair left "down there"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A wealthy 97-year-old is visiting his mistress in the 65th floor
penthouse he keeps her in. His wife barges in and sees them
going at it like a couple of horny dogs.
She rushes over to the bed, grabs him and throws him out
the window.
She looks at the bimbo and says "Don't worry - if he can screw
at his age, he can fly, too."
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
The nicest thing about the rain is that it always stops. Eventually.
-Eeyore
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Books in bed...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"
Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's
Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day
parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud
for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push
this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it,
Pat. Have a good time in heaven."
Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out
with a smile on his face and a song in his heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud
around.
But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp
playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and
white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him.
And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of
celestial music.
Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and
charges back to the Pearly Gates.
He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born
on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St.
Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny,
insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only
one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there.
He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ
that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to
know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the
Irishman to come closer.
Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Air Fresheners
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED
ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS .
1. Don't imagine you can change a
man, unless he's in a diaper
2. What do you do if your husband
walks-out? ... You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon ... they
should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -
it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as
well ... they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have
different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has
missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men ...
most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is
to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental
hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the
desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men
wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
tell him chequebooks.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean
that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An English and French gynecologists talking: "Ah Reechard, we 'ave the
best job in ze world, no? All ze lovely women they come to us an we
solve their problems. Only last week I saw a woman and relieved her
problem - she 'ad a clitoris like a melon."
"Pierre, don't exaggerate, no woman has a clitoris like that!"
"Ah you English, think always of ze size, never of ze taste."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Daily dilemma: Spend the 49 cents to supersize or to buy 49 shares of Cisco.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
how old are you
namedella
]~[
Dear nammerdammer...
No polite person asks a lady her age. And I would lie anyway.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
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Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Getting educated...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't
know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have
escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison
him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a
suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born
foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life
sentence!"
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
When I was young, my family was really poor. Everything
I wore - socks, blouses, even handkerchiefs - had been
darned over and over by my mother.
I wasn't the smartest or the prettiest, but I sure was
the best darned kid in the neighborhood!
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Public Apology
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
There were two teenage girls who decided they wanted to go into a
package store and see if they could buy some liquor. So they parked
their car and one girl said to her friend you wait here I'm going in to
see if I can get us something to drink. If I am not back in 15 minutes
come in and look for me and see if maybe I got busted and might need you
to call my parents or something. So the girl disappears into the store
and 15 minutes goes by and the 2nd girl is getting worried about her
friend so she goes to the front door of the package store to see if
she's ok and the door is locked! And all of the lights are off and no
one is in sight. She looks at her watch and says gee it's too early for
the store to be closed so she decides to go around to the back and try
to get in that way. She goes to the backdoor, which is also locked, but
it has a small window. So she peeks into the window and sees that the
owner of the package store has her friend tied up in a standing position
with her arms over her head and she is butt naked and the owner of the
store is licking her friend all over her body from head to toe. She
freaks out and says OMG I better go call 911. So she goes to a phone and
calls the police and finally they get there and they bang and bang on
the door until the owner finally opens it. They enter the store and tell
the owner you better get this girl dressed and out of here right away.
The girl says but wait!! I want to press charges and the cops tell her
you can't press charges she says He had me tied up naked He gets up and
asks them why they are fighting. The police say I am sorry you cannot
press charges and the girls ask again but why not? The police say
because he has a "liquor license"!!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list, but
I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over
and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said. "I don't think
so.
I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my
shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best. Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and
finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
An 82-year-old Romanian woman has been jailed for six
months for telling a deputy mayor to go to hell.
They had been talking about a land dispute when she
swore at him.
Vasile Dumitru complained to the police but said he
thought she'd only be fined.
A court in Adjud, Vrancea county, found Floarea Beraru
guilty of insulting a public official and sentenced her
to six months in jail.
Mr Dumitru, from Paunesti, told the National newspaper:
"I was in the mayor's office and talking about her request
to get her land back. All of a sudden she started to send
me to hell and tell me I am a drunk and a thief. I told her
to stop because it wasn't right but she wouldn't listen."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
And you think your sex life is weird!
The seahorse is the only creature where the male becomes
pregnant. The female inserts a nipple-like appendage into
the male and releases her eggs into his stomach. He then
discharges his sperm over them, and once the eggs are
fertilized, his belly takes on the rounded shape.
[I bet the male seahorses are in favour of birth control!]
For the mouthbrooder catfish, which lives off Mozambique,
fertilization takes place in the female's mouth. She releases
her ova into the water and then turns round and swallows
them. When the male swims by, she opens her mouth to swallow
his sperm as well. The young fish remain in the mouth until
they have absorbed their egg yolk.
[I will have to point this one out to my wife!]
Since the female bedbug has no sexual opening, the male
drills his own vagina, using his curved, pointed penis as
a drill. The male then inserts his sperm and the blood-
sucking female feeds on some of it when blood is in short
supply.
[I had a girlfriend once who was a blood sucking leech!]
The female praying mantis eats her partner after sex. During
copulation, the larger female hooks her deadly arms around
him and begins nibbling away at him, but his sex drive is so
strong that he can carry on even while being eaten.
[Man that sex must be good if you are willing to die for it!]
The male swamp antechinus, a mouse-like marsupial from Aus-
tralia, is the only mammal which dies after mating. The males
dedicate their lives to a round of non-stop copulation until
they literally drop dead. The majority die of starvation be-
cause they have no time to feed between sex.
[I've felt this way many times!]
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] H A R R I E D H U B B Y [||||]
One of Osama bin Laden's four wives told a Saudi mag that she believes
he's still alive though "he looked continuously worried, exhausted and
tired because of his long nights awake." (USA Today
Probably trying to keep track of four wedding anniversaries.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning
service. "I'm sorry I missed you this morning", the pastor says.
"Well, Rev'rund", the farmer says,"I had some hay to put up. I
figured
it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit
in church thinking about hay."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The sexual Olympics
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
When I went with my stepdaughter to visit a prestigious
university, our student guide pointed out the nationally
ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities.
She told us that the professors were the best in the world,
and she recommended my stepdaughter apply early to improve
her chances for admission. "We get so many applicants,"
she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose
this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes
here."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
How can you spot an Ethiopian drug dealer?
By the Rolex around his waist.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
March 11, 2002
Hurray, the elections are over. Now the people who really run things can get
back to what they do without worrying about who's going to pretend they run
things for the next four years.
- Helen -
10. Winning the Crufts 2002 Dog Show is no consolation to Lyndon Johnson for
being reborn as a Norwegian standard poodle.
8. George W. Bush praised the voting process in Zimbabwe, saying "They've
come a long way since the days when tribal leaders used their power to put
relatives in office."
9. David Letterman announced he's staying with CBS. Israel ended Yasser
Arafat's confinement in Ramallah. Coincidence? I don't think so.
7. Michael Jackson may launch his first U.S. tour in eight years, but
only somebody returns his nose.
6. The missing 30 seconds from Winona Ryder's security tape show Rush Limbaugh
shoving those items in her bag.
5. "Isn't it bad enough I have to share a cell with John D.
Rockefeller?" asked H.G. Wells from the fourth level of hell. "Now my
own grandson Simon Wells is making crappy remakes of my books."
4. If "Big Fat Liar" doesn't break $50 million, a Pentagon official
will leak the US secret plans to annex Canada to Matt Drudge.
3. Courtney Love claims to have written a song before 9/11 called "Life
Despite God" that psychically predicts not only the event itself, but Prince
Abdullah's Saudi Peace Plan, Will Farish's nomination as ambassador to England,
and her own lack of credibility.
2. Will Frankie Muniz become the highest paid child movie actor since Macaulay
Culkin? Depends on Ariana Huffington and O.J. Simpson signing up for
"Celebrity Boxing."
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. Attention K-Mart employees. Sale this week on cash registers and shelving.
Personal to Dennis: That wasn't a very nice thing to do.
Personal to Satan: Will you do me a favor?
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
$89 million for Anna Nicole Smith divided by 27 years the Roman Catholic bishop
of Palm Beach, Florida got away with sexually abusing a teenager times 22 Arab
nations calling for international intervention to stop Israeli aggression minus
cigarette product placement in 191 films equals 50,000 right-wing activists
gathered in Tel Aviv to protest Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's policies
divided by K-Mart's plans to close 284 stores minus 22,000 laid-off workers
plus the number of weeks Drew Barrymore stays single.
GREETING FROM HELL
George W. Bush waved at Stevie Wonder when he took the stage at the recent
presidential gala.
CORPORATE NAME CHANGES FROM HELL
The Chevron Corporation has changed the name of its oil tanker "The
Condoleeza Rice" to "The Altair Voyager."
Britain's largest insurance company, CGNU (Norwich Union), spent one year and
$1.4 million for consultants, focus groups and research in 50 countries to come
up with a new name, Aviva, which is the exact same name as a dress shop 300
yards away from the company, which they hadn't remembered seeing, and whose
owner, to come up with the same name, spent 10 minutes over a cup of coffee.
QUIZ FROM HELL
Which comes first?
c) One
a) Two
b) Three
d) Four
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Is this not one of the methods used by the Nazis against the Jews. Is
this not a new Nazi racism? Is this acceptable to the international
community?"
-Yasser Arafat -
"How can anyone govern a nation that has 246 kinds of cheese?"
- Charles de Gaulle -
"What happened in 2000 did as much damage to the pillars of democracy as
terrorists did to the pillars of commerce."
- Alec Baldwin -
"I think Bush is amateurish and self-serving, and, frankly, it's
disgusting."
- Sandra Bernhard -
"Who's Sandra Bernhard?"
- George W. Bush -
"Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first
choice. That's what makes the jukebox play."
- Willie Nelson -
"Ever tried. Ever failed. Never mind. Try again. Fail better."
- Samuel Beckett -
"One of these days is none of these days."
- English Proverb -
DUH!
"Serving Notice On Iraq Not On Cheney Agenda"
- USA Today Headline -
FIVE OTHER THINGS NOT ON CHENEY AGENDA
Getting toenails polished
Synchronized swimming lessons
Skydiving
Hookers and coke
INVENTORY FROM HELL
NUKES
China: 400 - 410
France: 400 - 482
North Korea: 10
Russia: 13,000 - 20,000
UK: 200
United States: 10,500 - 12,000
Nuclear Warhead Production Capacity Estimates:
India: 85 - 90
Israel: 100
Pakistan: 15 - 20
Source: Abolition 2000
Estimated number of times the current arsenal could destroy all life on
Earth: 16 times
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
Someone Tell Me What to Do
Can Sheryl Crow?
Can Stevie Wonder?
Can you see the storm before you hear the thunder?
Can J be Lo?
Can I be true?
Can someone tell me what to do?
Does Iggy Pop?
What does Drew Carey?
Is sex okay before you marry?
Should I say yes?
Should I say no?
What the hell is apropos?
My mind is open to suggestion
Someone close has popped the question
You can't complain
You can't disparage
When Satan asks for your hand in marriage
Is John Gregory Dunne?
Does Penelope Cruz?
Have I really paid my dues?
Did Sally Ride?
It's deja vu.
Can someone tell me what to do?
Can I trust Beelzebub?
Will he beat me with a club?
Whatever qualities
He may lack
I know he's hot inside the sack.
My mind is open to suggestion
Someone close has popped the question
You can't complain
You can't disparage
When Satan asks for your hand in marriage
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/