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<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
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<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Today's issue includes contributions by: Di Ann, The Posens, Stan,
Wendy, Barb, Thorn, Tammy, SunAmy, Ishy, Rubin.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
How do blonde brain cells die ?
Alone.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A nice ride home...
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Just say NO
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A Canadian hockey fan, an American fan and a Swedish fan were all in Saudi
Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol.
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere
possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the
terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the alcohol, they were
sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were
able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi nation al holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each
of
you one wish before your whipping."
The Swede fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought
about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my
back." This
was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Swede fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the
punishment was done.
The American fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after
watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my
back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through
again, sending the American fan crying.
The Canadian fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but
before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You
support
the greatest team in the world, your country has the best and most loyal
hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Canadian replies.
"In recognition
of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100
lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very
brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second
wish?
What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the American fan to my back so he can get his ass whooped
again."
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and
asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's
a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how
and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an
old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is
it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?," we asked.
She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a
picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center
she writes 710.
The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she
writes it, and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in
hysterics.
One guy said " I think you want an oil cap."
She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I
just need one, and I don't see what is so funny about it."
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did
not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
-Anne Bradstreet
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Good Vs Evil
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Wendy tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to Paul her good friend.
Paul told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier
to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Wendy, "if I only can sell the
car."
"Okay," said Paul. "Here is the address of a friend of mine.
He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will
turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it
should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Wendy made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, Paul asked Wendy, "Did you sell
your car?"
"No," replied Wendy, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on
it."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Flaps Jr. -
Direct the falling marbles into their proper slots.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.14
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
You might be a Canadian Redneck . . .
. . . if most of your clothing has Canadian beer logos on
them.
. . . if you've ever hummed "Bud the Spud".
. . . if you've never realized that most of the lyrics in
Gordon Lightfoot's "Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald" don't
rhyme.
. . . if most of your wardrobe is plaid (including hats).
. . . if you like the music of Gordon Lightfoot, Stompin' Tom,
or Buffy Sainte Marie.
. . . if you know who Gordon Lightfoot, Stompin' Tom, or Buffy
Sainte Marie are.
. . . if you actually like to wear a toque.
. . . if you have over ten pounds of moose or deer meat in the
freezer at all times.
. . . if you mix French and English in the same sentence.
(This only applies if you're a Francophone.)
. . . if you've ever been "out and about".
. . . if you "hang out" at Tim Horton's.
. . . if you use the words "friggin'" or "arse" or
"friggin'
arse" on a regular basis.
. . . if you have a bumper sticker or an article of clothing
that says "If you're Canadian, show me your beaver."
. . . if you have a firearm that's been in the family for at
least one generation and name it after the person who originally owned
it --"Fetch me Grandad's gun, I'm going hunting, eh."
. . . if you insist that Americans should know more about
Canada, despite the fact the only part of America that exists for you is
Florida.
. . . if you have Canadian Tire catalogues in your house.
(Extra points for any "really old" ones.)
. . . if you find any cartoon beaver funny.
. . . if you own a pot-bellied stove. (Extra points if it's
"been in the family" for a while.)
. . . if you only watched "the Beachcombers" to see what Relic
was up to.
. . . if you know who Relic is.
. . . if all your recipes are for game meat.
. . . if you've ever used your kitchen to dress/butcher game,
make "chow" or pickled beets.
. . . if you had to find out which leaves make good toilet
paper, mainly because you can't use a dollar bill any more.
. . . if you've told people you were a "government artist",
because you were "drawing" pogey.
. . . if any beer under 6% is considered good only for pouring
on your "Shreddies" in the morning.
. . . if your entire French vocabulary was gleaned from cereal
boxes.
. . . if you think Don Cherry should be Prime Minister, or
better still Minister of Foreign Affairs.
. . . if you know "jacking deer" isn't a sexual innuendo.
. . . if you own an ice auger.
. . . if you have a "good" parka for formal occasions.
. . . if the main source of heat in your house is a wood
burning stove.
. . . if you consider Kraft Dinner, ketchup, beer and Crispy
Crunch as the four major food groups.
. . . if you shop exclusively at Canadian Tire for Christmas
presents.
. . . if you live in a house that has no front step, even
though if you went out the front door you'd probably plummet to your death.
. . . if your snowmobile or chain saw payments have a higher
priority than your car payments.
. . . if you think the start of deer season should be a
national holiday.
. . . if the trunk of your car has ever doubled as a deep
freeze.
. . . if you will only go camping for a maximum of one night
because your back pack will only holds one two-four.
. . . if you have more than twenty dollars in Canadian Tire
money.
. . . if you still sing the "Great White North" them song with
pride "coo-ooh-coocoo-coo-ooh-coocoo".
. . . if you got pissed when Harold left the Red Green show.
. . . if you always have a mickey of "CC" or "Captain Morgan's
Dark" on you.
. . . if you think whoever invented de-alcoholized beer should
have been strangled at birth.
. . . if you consider the theme song of Hockey Night In Canada
to be Canada's second official National Anthem.
. . . if you found any of this funny.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
When God created Canada
Hey, this is for Canadian eyes only!!
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for
six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting
on the seventh day. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've
made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm
going
to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over
there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of
white people and over there is a continent of black people," God
continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God 's work, then pointed to a large
land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on
Earth.
There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an
exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest,
intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the
world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers
of peace. I'm also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice
hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across
them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm
putting next to them".
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall
never cease to be amused.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
Recently I learned that my cross dressing husband was seen out in public
without a dress on. Do you think he's cheating on me?
Tami
P.S. I also found a bra and I'm not sure if its his or not..It isn't mine!
]~[
Dear whammy Tami...
Beats me. Why are you with a cross-dressing hubby? Ick.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
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Aggie</a>
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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A nasty secret...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The following ad appeared in a newspaper.
SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods. Riding in your pickup
truck. Hunting Camping Fishing trips.
Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight
dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the
right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door
when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave
me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.
(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an
eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her
bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party
celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant,
an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is
the secret of your soup?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup
is
that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it." The woman
said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?" Mrs. O'Malley said,
"Because
one more would make it too farty."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Match the names of the athletes associated with their
correct sport.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.19
">Play it</a>
-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
Merrill was checking Mac's legs and the family had now come
out of the house after being alerted by the dog's cries. The
pack snuck up on the house and silently made their way down
into the basement.
9 of the 11 were now in the basement when Merrill's wife saw
what was going on. "Frank, those damn dogs are in the
basement." She shrieked.
"I'll get them out of there. You bring the car around and
take Mac to the vet. Lizzy you stay with Mac till Momma gets
the car."
It suddenly occurred to Mac that there was a serious flaw in
the plan. There was no way for him to sneak into the
basement.
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The new Librarian decided that instead of
checking out children's books by writing
the names of borrowers on the book cards
herself, she would have the youngsters
sign their own names. She would then
tell them they were signing a "Contract"
for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader,
who looked surprised to see a new Librarian.
He brought four books to the desk and shoved
them across to the Librarian, giving her his
name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and
told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously
printed his name on each book card and then
handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her
speech he said, scornfully, "That other
Librarian we had could write."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
My husband, sons, and I had stopped to take in a spectacular
sunset and were on our way back to our car when four Buddhist
monks walked by.
When our sons asked about them, I explained, "Their life is
a quest for enlightenment."
"I wonder what kind of car they drive," my husband said and
jokingly suggested, "A Ford Focus?"
"Or a Honda Odyssey," I said.
The monks got into a Pathfinder.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A new plaything for the cat...
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Worth a thousand words...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A virtual country set up on the internet has been
deluged with applications from people trying to get
citizenship.
Swedish artist Lars Vilk says thousands of serious
emails have arrived from people wanting to live in
Ladonia.
He's now posted a message on the site explaining
there are no jobs or houses available.
Mr Vilk established Ladonia in 1996, basing the
virtual country on a remote area of Sweden where he
has placed many of his sculptures.
He's been fighting the authorities to keep his
sculptures on the 1km plot for 20 years.
He says by creating the virtual country he was hoping
to obtain some sort of autonomy for the area, hoping it
wouldn't be subject to the same laws as the rest of
Sweden.
He's built up a large following and thousands of people
travel to the island each year to see the sculptures.
Mr Vilk told Ananova: "We have 6,000 registered residents
from all around the world. Everything had been going quite
peacefully when suddenly we started receiving several
hundred applications a day from people in Pakistan. It
seemed to be a never-ending thing.
"There was a difference in these applications - people
actually believed it was possible to reach here and get jobs,
to settle here for a new life."
The citizenship page was closed for a short time while a
paragraph was inserted explaining it's impossible to get a
job or a house in Ladonia.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil
appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition
for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you,
and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's
souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law,
the souls of all of your friends and law partners, and to personally
use you for anal sex for the rest of your life."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked the devil,
"So, what's the catch?"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] C R O S S T H E I R H E A R T ||||]
Oscar best distaff thesp nominees Berry, Spacek, Dench, Zellweger and
Kidman will each be gifted by Victoria's Secret with a "diamond edition
bra with 14 caret white gold shoulder straps holding 22 round white
diamonds." (LA Times)
Great. Now along with their hairdresser, makeup man and agent, they'll
thank their cleavage.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces
her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I
the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before
replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks
familiar."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Watch out for the Jaws...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Jones is driving past the state mental hospital
when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones
is changing the tire, another car goes by, running
over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping
the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a
nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to
go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind
the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has
been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off
each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your
tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality,
but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare
tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls
back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty
sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because
I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
The PBSaissance Man (or Woman)
Erik was out of the office this week, so we are reprinting a column from
1999. Erik will be back next week with an all-new column about stupid
lawsuits, stupid politicians, or some cute thing one of his kids or dogs
did.
As we enter the second year of the new millennium (let me remind you
that the millennium did NOT begin in 2000, it began in 2001), we have
reached the point in fashion, style, architecture, and even movies and
TV where everything old is new again. History is repeating itself, and
to the dismay of every child of the Seventies, this includes bell
bottoms. Even the Renaissance Man is enjoying a revival of his own.
A recent search on Yahoo (www.yahoo.com)
turned up seven different
personal web pages of people who call themselves Renaissance Men. The
original Renaissance Man was Leonardo da Vinci, a man who could paint
and sculpt, was an accomplished architect and designer, and was a master
of science, including anatomy, nature, air and water dynamics, and even
flight.
As I read the pages of these people, I asked myself, "Is it possible to
be a modern day Renaissance Man or Woman? After all, a Renaissance Man
or Woman could also be a musician, a writer, a chef, or even a
woodworker. I'm sure da Vinci was accomplished at a few of these things
as well." I pondered these questions as I played computer games for
several hours -- uhh, I mean wrote really important reports at work --
and finally realized that ANYONE can be a Renaissance Man or Woman. . .
thanks to Public Television!
With the help of Public Television, you can become a modern day
Renaissance Man or Woman quite easily. In fact, you may already be one
and not even know it. Want to find out? Take this simple quiz and see.
Keep track of your answers and add up your score at the end of the quiz.
1. When examining the Mona Lisa, you make an astute observations about
the painting (you did know it was a painting, right?). The thing that
sticks out most in your mind is:
a. That she's not smiling.
b. The rumors that it's da Vinci in drag.
c. It's not nearly as good as "Dogs Playing Poker."
d. "It needs a happy little tree. And a friend over here. Everyone needs
a friend."
2. One of Italian architecture's most famous structures, The Leaning
Tower of Pisa, is slated to be repaired over the next few years. Upon
hearing this story in the news, your first thought was:
a. "They should leave it alone. They're destroying tradition."
b. A virtual blizzard of Freudian comments.
c. "Man, pizza sure does sound good right now."
d. It's nothing Norm Abram couldn't fix with some good strong wood glue.
3. Despite the fact that the OJ trial has been over for a few years, and
even the Aborigines in the Australian Outback are convinced he did it,
you still think:
a. "Hey, the law's the law. He was found 'not guilty'."
b. "It's pretty ironic that he's a spokesman for a legal service."
c. "Those Bruno Magli shoes are pretty sharp. I think I'll get me a
pair."
d. The real police are idiots! Inspector Morse would have caught him in
a heartbeat.
4. You and a close friend have a stupid argument over something so
completely trivial, you've forgotten what it is. To make up, you:
a. Send a nice letter apologizing, even though you don't believe it was
your fault.
b. Agree to never bring it up again.
c. Put a flaming bag of dog doody on the front porch, ring the bell, and
hide in the bushes.
d. Sing "You Are My Friend, You Are Special" at the top of your
lungs,
with puppets of a king and a tiger on your hands, until your friend
forgives you.
5. Domingo, Carreras, and Pavarotti are:
a. Three well-known opera singers
b. Getting rich off all those albums they keep putting out.
c. Getting fatter by the year.
d. Three of the greatest fat opera singers of the 20th century, if not
the millennium.
6. Public Television is a haven for new and old British comedies. After
watching a "Britcom-a-thon" for eight hours straight, you:
a. Think British humor is pretty sophisticated, especially with those
accents.
b. Realize how much influence British humor has had on American humor.
c. Didn't get a single joke, including veiled references to umm. . .
"human anatomy."
d. Threaten to go postal if you hear the word "Britcom" one more
time.
So, let's see how you did. Give yourself 1 point for every A, 2 points
for every B, 0 points for every C, and 4 points for every D. Add them
up, and check your score below.
0 points - You do have a TV, don't you?
6 - 11 points - You need serious help. Quit watching "When Animals
Attack Jerry Springer" and start watching something a little more
educational. Teletubbies comes to mind.
12 - 17 points - Not too bad. You're like most Americans (and a few
Canadians). Spend Saturday nights watching some cultural television,
instead of trying to figure out the plot intricacies on Xena, Warrior
Princess.
18 - 22 points - Hey, you're a real PBSaissance Person! If you can't
actually paint, sculpt, cook, do woodworking or science, you at least
know how to tell other people how to do it (and probably do). Be sure to
pledge during the next membership drive.
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.