<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
                                    and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
                                  presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR!  In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!

Friday already!  Another weekend upon us and one day closer to
spring!  The news this morning is reporting the return of El Nino to
the world which means that we face another year of weird weather...
tell that to the people of Saskatchewan and Alberta who have
suffered through three straight years of drought...and again this
year still have no moisture in the ground!  Even locally here people
have dug down over two feet into the ground and hit dry dirt!   So if
El Nino is coming back...are we gonna notice?

NOTE: My incoming email is down and has been down for overnight...
so if you have emailed any changes to your account...they will not
take effect until next week.

Today's issue includes contributions by: Barb, SunAmy, Rubin,
Carroll, Amanda, Keli, Ruth.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm
dying to have sex in the worst way."

So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is
standing up in a hammock."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

It's a holy sign...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.320 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.320

Today on Springer: Secret love
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.296 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.296

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

<A couple of Animal Groaners....>

Two little snakes were wiggling along the side of the road when the
first little snake turned to the second little snake and asked, "Are we
poisonous?"

"Why?" asked the second little snake.

"Because I just bit my lip!"

--

A New Yorker was being shown around the back country of
Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't
attack you if you carry a flashlight?" he asked.

The cousin smirked, "Depends on how fast ya carry it."

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter- viewing a
prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the
student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much
impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------

This poll is of Olympic proportions!

Check out the poll at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">FunStop</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings."
-William Blake

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

and you think YOUR job Stinks!
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.328 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.328

Let's call her Monica...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.312 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.312

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Newsgroup Users...where do YOU fit in?

BEGINNER:
- Thinks rn is a typo.
- Posts empty articles.
- Wonders what `@' means.
- Accidentally sends (empty) mail messages to other readers.

NOVICE:
- Knows how to read news, but seldom does, since s/he hasn't
  learned how to (un)subscribe to a subject.
- Posts the programmer-lightbulb joke to soc.women.
- Tries to post his/her KILL files.
- Posts articles asking what `:-)' means, and misspells it.
- Wonders why people go to all the trouble of typing in other people's
  articles with all those silly ">"s.

USER:
- Knows how to post follow-ups, but uses ed to do so.
- Posts articles asking what `SO', `BTW', and `MOTOS' mean.
- Has heard of KILL files, but doesn't know what they are.
- Has worn out the `n' key.
- Still reads rec.humour

KNOWLEDGEABLE USER:
- Knows about .signature files, but sometimes includes them twice.
- Posts flames to net.announce.newusers.
- Uses KILL files, but only on "Subject:" lines.
- Has learned to edit the "follow-ups to:" line.
- Can save a rot13'd joke, and read it later.

EXPERT:
- Knows how to post anonymously, from non-existent sites.
- Posts flames about users of "notes."
- Has 0.1 megabytes of KILL files, and 5 megabytes of mail.
- Is known by name at virtually all news sites.
- Knows how to post rot13'd jokes, and can read them without
  saving and exiting.

HACKER:
- Knows how to create new newsgroups.
- Has modified local version of vnews to allow longer postings.
- Uses rmgroup instead of KILL files.
- Knows how to send mail through the ARPANET.
- Can read rot13'd text without unrotating it.

GURU:
- Has private database of alternate paths to all sites.
- Has caused at least one newsgroup to be eliminated due to low
  signal/noise.
- Name appears in over 1000 KILL files (at other sites).
- Uses undocumented features of rn.
- Moderates at least one newsgroup.

WIZARD:
- Thinks rn is a typo.

------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------

Test your knowledge of general science
information, ranging from biology to physics!

<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.32 ">Play it</a>

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

<Shamelessly stolen from: northcoast-express-subscribe@yahoogroups.com >

The air wing from the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON
was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one
air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked
to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that
the pilot had also heard the comment.

After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing,
"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest,
a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. But it
was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she
saw them disappear into another room together.

At once she rushed into the room and screamed, "Look, lady!

My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

For a ' going away ' present you would be perfect.

-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------

Dear Aggie:

Are those Paperwhites growing in the background?

Rosebulb

]~[

Dear Roseblob...

What the hell are you talking about???

Aggie

NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Found at last: The ANY key.
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.8.280 ">Click Here </a>
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Bigmouth towel...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Maury and Lee were twins, and for their 13th birthday Lee got a
bicycle while Maury got a little portable radio.

Lee hopped up on his bike and went to town. On the way, he sees
the Schmittauer's house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit.  He
spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home.  "Hey
Maury!  Maury!  Guess what?  I saw a fire at old man Schmittauer's!
There was fire engines!  firemen! and everything!"

Maury looks up and says, "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes
ago on the news on my radio."

Lee scowls and jealously mutters, "You and your stupid radio!" and
storms off, to go riding again.

In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever!  Police,
sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been
robbed.  He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before
he's even completely in the door, "Maury!  Maury!  Guess what?"

Maury dryly interrupts with, "The bank was robbed?"

Lee scowls and storms off, muttering, "You and your stupid radio!"

Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the
countryside on the other side.  A few miles up the road he sees a
poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence.  He grins, parks the
bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives the porker
a porking.

Then he races as fast as he could all the way home..."Maury!  Maury!
Guess what?  I just had my first sexual experience!"

Maury looks up, dismisses Lee with a wave, "Bah!  In a pig's arse you
did!"

"You and your stupid radio!" mutters Lee, as he cycles off.

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

A new medical facility with several
different specialists opened in a
trendy part of the city.

Wanting to be different and creative,
the administration decided that
each doctor's office door would,
in some way, be representative of
his practice.

So, when construction was complete,
the eye doctor's door had a peep
hole, the orthopaedist's door had
a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's
door was painted all kinds of crazy
colors, and the proctologist's
door was left open - just a crack.

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

Politics Trivia Game -

Test your knowledge of political issues!
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.33 ">Play it</a>

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

LIMERICKS!

Said Mary, "I do beg your pardon,
But I once had a tree in my garden,
With a trunk long and thick,
But I have to admit,
'Twas nothing, compared to John's hard'un..."

There once was a young man from Norway
Who hung from his heels in the doorway
He said with a grin,
as his sweetie came in,
"I think I have found one more way!"

There once was a fellow named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "I would admit,
That I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!"

There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the smell,
And think of the money I save!"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Following a delicious lunch in an Italian restaurant, the globe-trotting
entertainment superstar called the chef over to compliment him on the
meal.

"Frankly, your eggplant parmesan was better than the one I ate in Milan
last week," she told him.

"Doesn't surprise me," said the proud chef. "They use domestic cheese.
Here we use imported."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Hey! You go...
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Not in the vows....
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

Experts say our sex lives are too dull and that boring
sex is becoming a global problem.

An international team of behaviour specialists claim
many women think of sex like inviting someone in for a
cup of tea.

The sociology research says there is a corresponding boom
in dull pornography with people preferring to watch 'real'
amateurs rather than polished, glamorous performers.

The Journal of Mundane Behaviour, a sociology journal
renowned for its research into 'the science of the ordinary',
reports the findings.

The authors, who say the problem is caused by modern living,
include experts from the universities of Sussex, North
Carolina, and Canterbury, New Zealand.

The subjects they write about include the way Japanese women
walk, pornography for women and one titled "They're ordinary
people, not aliens from the Planet Sex".

The journal's guest editor, Kimberly Mahaffy of Millersville
University of Pennsylvania, writes: "Mundane sex speaks to
the 'truth' of our everyday experiences. Some of us are too
tired to have sex or we go through the motions.

"The novelty and lust have been replaced by: 'Can we do it
before 10 pm?' 'Do I have to take my socks off?' 'Can I just
lay here while you do the work?'"

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

It's the yearly party at the temple and they're having the drawing
for the door prizes. Goldstein wins third prize and gets a color
TV. Rosenberg wins second prize, goes up to collect, and
it's a plate of cookies.

He comes back to the table and says, "Goldstein, I don't
understand it. You won third prize, you got a color TV. I won
second prize, I got a god-damned plate of cookies."

Goldstein says, "Rosenberg, "You don't understand. The plate
of cookies was cooked by the Rabbi's wife."

Rosenberg says, "Fuck the Rabbi's wife!"

Goldstein says, "Shh...that's first prize."

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] T Y S O N ' S C O R N E R S -- Five SecServe Agents
assigned to Dick Cheney got into a 2 am drunken donnybrook at a San
Diego, CA pub that terminated with a local getting the tip of an ear
chewed off. (USA Today)

No doubt off duty members of the Service's crack Vincent Van
Gogh Emergency Response Unit.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a
genie's lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and lo and behold a genie
appeared.

Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope.... due to constant downsizing, and the world's
general economic condition, I can only grant you one wish... So what
will it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for stopping
the terrorists, and bringing peace in the Middle East. . .instead of all
that other stuff about women and lying. I want Bin Laden to be eliminated
and all his Taliban collected. See this map. . .here is Kabul. . .and I want
these surrounding countries to stop fighting with each other."

The genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez,
Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but
I'm not that good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't
like Hillary. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger.
They think she's an ugly, mean-spirited witch, who likes to push people
around. They even booed at her at the WTC fund-raiser. I wish for her to
be the most beautiful and gracious woman in the world, and for everyone to
love her."

The genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

A little further down..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.808 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.808

She will find you...
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http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.812

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

<A Classic!>

A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers
door saying, "I need 45 gallons of milk."

He knocked on the door and a beautiful, dumb blond answered it. "Is this a
mistake?" the milkman asked.

"No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk
is a good aphrodisiac."

"Really," replied the milkman. "Okay, do you want that pasteurised?"

"No, up to my tits would be fine," she said.

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?

You know she'll swallow.

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

Secrets of the successful marriage.
By Matt Farr

Many people ask me, "What is the secret to a successful marriage?" They
ask me this because I am a "Certified Marriage Expert" (CME). I achieved
this certification based on my marriage achievements, which are: a) I
have been married for more than five years, and b) My wife still likes
me. I just added the "Certified" part to make it sound more official
(the easiest certification is self certification).

After much thought and an ice cream bar from Ben & Jerry's (a
fish-shaped "Phish Stick" bar disappointingly non-fish flavored), I
have created the following checklist for creating a successful marital
union.

1. Dating

The "Courtship Period" can determine the eventual success of a marriage.
This period can last as long as several years or as short as several
beers. To determine your readiness for marriage, here's a simple test:

 * What is the middle name of your spouse-to-be?
 * When is his or her birthday, including year?
 * Where was he or she born?

If you can answer one of these questions without looking in the wallet
of your partner, you are ready for marriage.

2. The Wedding

In today's society, far too much emphasis has been placed on the wedding
ceremony at the sacrifice of planning for actual marriage. A wedding
will last but a day, while a marriage will last a lifetime. Note to
grooms: this is a good thing to say instead of "Six hundred bucks for a
freaking cake?!"

Keeping this philosophy in mind, it is still a good idea to have a
wedding. Studies have shown that nearly all successful married couples
participated in at least one wedding.

Also, wear comfortable shoes.

3. Honeymoons and Anniversaries

Unrealistic expectations can be set by too elaborate a honeymoon. My
recommendation: check into Motel 6 for a couple of nights, watch the
free HBO, shop at the All American Tee Shirt Shoppe, and splurge on
meals by ordering them "Super Size."

Then tell your spouse, "Honey, things are only going to get better."
You'll be able to follow through like a champ for years to come.

4. Resolving Arguments

There has been a lot of books written over the past decade about the
importance of "conflict resolution." In fact, the current #1 book on the
NY Times Self Help best seller list is "How To End An Argument With That
Lying, No-Good, Two-Timing,
Lousy-Excuse-For-A-Husband-That-You-Never-Should-Have-Married-In-The-First-P
lace."

You can see why these books don't really work very well.

In fact, all arguments can be ended easily with six simple words: "It's
my fault. Let's get naked." The rest is easy.

5. Money

No subject incurs more disputes in marriage than money. The best advice
that I can give you is to make such an obscene amount of money that you
never need to argue. In fact, I commonly advise young men seeking my
advice, "Do not even think about getting married until you are an
astronaut, a brain surgeon, or have suddenly inherited a fortune from
your long-lost father who was the king of Luxemburg."

6. Romance

Eventually, the sparkle on every relationship fades, as the newness of
intimacy becomes familiar and as adventure become routine. It is
important to add small moments of genuine romance into a marriage to
maintain spontaneity and excitement. Here's how to maintain the thrills
in a marriage:

     Wrong
    "Hey baby, I'm going down to the dog track tonight.
     Don't wait up for me."

     Right
    "Hey baby, I'm going down to the dog track tonight.
     Whaddaya say I pick up some wine coolers on the way
     home and we watch Cyber Ninja after the kids are asleep?"

As you can see, a little effort goes a long way.

7. Children

Inevitably, if you're married for long enough, you'll get bored and
consider having kids. Be forewarned: this will not "mend" your marriage.
If you think you'll love each other more when you have a child together,
imagine having a baby vomit all over your chest at 3:00 a.m. when
neither of you has had a decent night of sleep in six weeks. If you
think you can be reasonably loving to your spouse in this circumstance,
you'll make a fine parent (but you're kidding yourself).

Also, talk about that whole "circumcision decision" before you're on
your way to the hospital while timing contractions.

8. In-Laws

The best way to deal with your new helpful family members is to emigrate
to Australia. Not only will you be a long distance away from your
mother-in-law, but Australia has very strict laws concerning in-laws.
For example, an overly-helpful mother-in-law can be imprisoned for
rearranging kitchen cabinets without her son-in-law's written
permission. Even then, a three-day waiting period must be observed.

If moving to another hemisphere is not practical, outfit your in-laws
with the Tri-Tronics "Bark Limiter" Collar (only $89.10, not including
batteries). It provides gentle, but persuasive control of excessive
nagging, repeated illness stories, and annoying cackles. The vibration
sensor picks up all unwanted criticism and "suggestions." The small,
inconspicuous collar fits necks of all sizes except "fat bastard," which
is available as a full-body harness.

Another piece of good advice: never make fun of your in-laws on TV. Most
old people who have outlived their usefulness watch a lot of TV.

Note to my own mother-in-law: None of this applies to you -- you are
wonderful.

Summary

The world record for the longest marriage belongs to Harold and
Jacqueline Odd, of Dumas, Texas, at 83 years. The Odds were married in
1918, had three children, and never lived in Australia.

My point? With my marriage advice, the right person, and some herbs from
Tibet, you've got a shot at beating the Odds.

2002 Matthew Farr

--

Matt Farr lives in Denver and makes a living writing advertising and humor,
though usually not at the same time. He's married and has one child, a small
baby girl. Matt has been a power user of the Internet since the early 1900s,
and maintains his humor web site, Rusty Brain, at:
http://www.rustybrain.com
If you've go comments about this story or would like to suggest a future
topic, send email to Matt at: matt@rustybrain.com -- he'd really love to
hear from you.