------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------

<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!

Security on the internet is becoming harder to control...on Monday
"denial of service" attacks were made against eBay and Bravenet...at
the same time YahooGroups (formerly eGroups) website went down and
was off-line for over 24 hours! Are these events related? According to
spokespeople at YahooGroups their problem was a hardware failure...
but do you really think that a company the size of Yahoo is going
to admit that they are vulnerable to attacks of this nature? I don't
think so! So I would say it is safe to assume that YahooGroups
was attacked along with the others....now this leads us to wonder
if the new terrorist threats will not be against buildings or people
directly...but against our electronic medium that we have come
to rely upon so much! It is much harder to defend ourselves from
this type of attack!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Stan, Rubin, Marina, Tom,
Ruth, Di Ann, Nevanish, Carroll, SunAmy.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Redneck wind chime...
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Evolution gone Nuts.
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's
office crying and claims that she has tried every
possible way to lose weight, all to no avail. She
continues to sob, "My husband won't make love to me
any more. My friends make fun of me. Everywhere I go
they tease me. I just can't take it any more!"

The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical
diet ... rectal feeding. Reassuring the patient that
she won't starve to death, the doctor explains that
she'll actually take in enough nutrients, through
the rectal walls, to sustain life and that she's sure
to lose weight in the process.

Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up
appointment and she's down from her 360 pounds to a
trim 110 pounds At first the doctor doesn't recognize
her and asks his nurse, "Who is that beautiful lady in
the waiting area?" The nurse reminds the doctor that
she's the fat lady on the special, rectal diet.

The doctor show the patient into the exam room and
notices that she is bouncing up and down and side to
side quite energetically. The doctor asks how she's
doing and if there was anything wrong. The patient
replies, "I'm feeling great Doc. Never felt better!"

"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down and
side to side?"

The patient replies, "Oh, that ... I'm just chewing
gum."

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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The man had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet his wife had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know
what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I
got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. Now, with my
health failing, you are still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------

A counting we will go!

Check out the poll at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/">FunStop</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for
whom it can feel trust and reverence. What loneliness is
more lonely than distrust?
-George Eliot

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Check the shoes...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An old man nearing his 60's goes in for a physical.
The doctor says "I have good news and I have bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first." Doc says,

"There is a problem with your penis, you can only get
a few more erections, and then you won't have any
more for the rest of your life." The man says,

"What in the world is the good news?" Doc says,

"We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan
your use of them accordingly." The man leaves and
drives around for a couple hours pondering his situation,
and how to confront his wife. When he gets home he tells her,

"Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news."

She says, "Give me the good news."

He says, "I can only have 25 more erections, and then I can't
have any more, ever."

She says,"We can work around that, we will just make a list and
only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill
our desires, and make the most out of each one, what in the
world is the bad news?"

He says, "I made a list, and you aren't on it.."

------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------

Score A Million Jr. -

Challenge yourself with this exciting trivia game.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.22 ">Play it</a>

--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Sally came running in from school. "Mommy! Mommy! At show and tell,
Little Johnny showed us something that's six inches long, and has two
nuts, and can make me very fat!"

Horrified, her mother asked, "Sally! What on earth did he show you?"

Sally replied, "Little Johnny showed me his Almond Joy!"

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He
comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar,
muttering & swearing very softly. The barkeep approaches
the customer and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal
and put a gun to my head".

"Jesus Christ! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains
out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

I don't have any body piercings, but I feel like I'm getting two every time
my girlfriend looks at me.

-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------

[Folks....Aggie's mailbox is getting empty again...and she gets nasty
when she has no mail to read!]

Dear Aggie:

My fiancee and I are getting married and My grandma and my dad, which I
just met last Christmas doesn't approve. Do you think my dad has a right
to say anything.

In Love

]~[

Dear in lust...

It is ok for dad to speak his piece. It is NOT his ok to keep on about it.It is
also ok for you to tell him to mind his own business! But ask him WHY he
disapproves. Sometimes theres a good reason!

Aggie

NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

New mouse for women? Ducking..
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Wendy and Keli were speeding down the highway at well over
90 mph. "Hey," asked Wendy who was driving "Any cops
following us?" Keli turned around and had a long look
at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?" Wendy Asked

Keli turned around again...... "Yup....nope....yup....
nope....yup....nope....yup....."

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test
question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all
time?"Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found
instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

The Shell Game -

Guess which cup the ball is under.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.23 ">Play it</a>

--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------

{On the Road with and Idiot is a continuing story...previous installments
can be found in the Thursday issues of Purehumour in the archives at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ]

It doesn't take long when driving to meet someone who is deranged and in
serious need of some therapy. For me, I can make it out of my garage and to
the end of my driveway before I meet one of these drivers. Some would say I
only need to look in the mirror, but what do they know.

Obviously, the psychotic driver is a road hazard, but fortunately, truly
psychotic drivers are not the majority-it just seems that way. Rather, the
neurotic driver is much more common. When you psychoanalyze the driving
personality, you can see several very discrete driving neuroses appear.

[Continued Next Thursday]

2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

World's thinnest books

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
10. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
9. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
8. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
7. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
6. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
5. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
4. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
3. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
2. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
1. TERRORISTS AND THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM - by Osama Bin Laden

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the
judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four
times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife
didn't like the color."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Wishing them luck...
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Titanic, the untold story...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A defendant has arrived for his trial only to be
told he was dead.

Steven James Hill's file had been mistakenly updated
by the Crown Prosecution Service to say he had died.

Witnesses were told the trial at Mold Magistrates'
Court was cancelled.

When Hill arrived at court the CPS realised their error
and requested the trial be adjourned.

A CPS spokeswoman says another defendant with the same
surname had died and his details had been "incorrectly
attributed" to Hill, of Saltney, Flintshire.

She adds the CPS apologised to the court and will be
sending letters to the witnesses to advise them the case
is ongoing.

Hill, 31, said: "I had quite a shock to be told that I
was supposed to be dead but they could see I was not."

He faces a charge of intimidating a witness and is
scheduled to attend court on March 12 for a new trial date
to be fixed.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The first time Father was taking a turn at feeding the baby
some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the
food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband
staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you
doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can
put on another."

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] S Y N T A X A U D I T -- Former NBA Hoopmaven
Jayson Williams, accused of blasting his chauffeur flush in the chest
with a double barreled Winchester, told the grieving family of Costas
Christof "Me and my wife would like to send out our heartfelt
condolences." (Usa Today)

Jayson faces one count of second degree manslaughter and one
count of reckless misuse of a pronoun.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously, when
the auctioneer received a note from an assistant, "A gentle-
man in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it
is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the
room came a cry: "Two Thousand Five Hundred."

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Santa meets Plane. Plane wins.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

An ace team of sex researchers decided to study both gay men and lesbian
women at a local bar. So one day they prepared a questionnaire and asked
20 gay men and 20 lesbian women what they liked most about sex.

The gay men at the bar responded, "It tastes great!"

And the lesbian women responded, "It's less filling."

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

Kick the Cook
By Kim Burke

Isn't eating a wonderful meal one of life's most enjoyable indulgences?
Even snacking is a nice moment during the course of a day. I actually
prefer a nicely prepared meal over snacking but my lazy streak leads me to
snacking a bit more than I should at times.

I guess you could say I'm a closet snacker. It's convenient because I don't
make a mess in the kitchen and I can easily toss the wrapper into the
garbage can, which is close by.

As long as we are on the topic of eating, I want to discuss the rules of
being polite and gratuitous to the person in the family who prepares and
cooks the meals.

I don't care if it's filet mignon or hot dogs popped in the microwave: At
least you (the non-cooking part of the family) did not have to get up and do
it.

The other night my husband prepared a dinner of steak, broccoli and rice
covered with mushroom gravy. Now, to be honest, the steak was a tad tough
and I like my food a bit more spicy. But did I tell him these things? NO!
Why didn't I relay these truths? Because I was GRATEFUL he took the time
and effort to create a decent meal for us. I was even MORE grateful I didn't
have to do it. I lavished him with praise, compliments and respect.

Fast forward to last night. Lately, I have been burning the candle at both
ends. To put it mildly, I had not been giving enough attention to Richard
so I decided to prepare him a special meal.

Spaghetti is a meal I have always been good at creating. I have a homemade
recipe, which everyone seems to enjoy. However, quite some time ago Richard
told me he loves meatballs and really wanted me to try and make spaghetti
with meatballs.

I've never made a meatball in my life.

I decided, aided with feelings of guilt for neglecting him, I would make
spaghetti and meatballs just for him. Not because I was especially thrilled
to attempt a new recipe after a twelve hour work day, but because I wanted
to do something special for him. Aren't I a wonderful human being?

From here on out I will refrain from asking, "How did you like it, hon?"

This question was followed by a lecture on how he believed I should make
spaghetti and meatballs along with a, "Why didn't you put this, that and the
other in the sauce like you usually do?"

"Because I wanted to do something new and nice for you. I love you and
thought you would appreciate a spaghetti and meatball dinner you know
the one you've been begging me to make for two years!"

"Do you want me to lie when I believe you could make it better?"

"YES! Lie, lie, lie! I need you to lie and tell me how wonderful it was
and lavish everlasting gratitude and compliments for at LEAST trying to make
your stupid favorite meal! Then the next time I make it, help me out! Don'
t you GET it?"

"I can't lie Kim. I have to keep it real."

"Well, Mr. Real, enjoy the couch tonight because I can't pretend I want to
sleep with someone who is a total ingrate! I have to keep it real!"

"But Kim"

"And don't even think about watching your stupid outdoor channel!"

"But I"

"If I hear anyone on television talking about killing Bambi, so help me God
I will spontaneously combust!"

"Fine. Go back to our bedroom all alone, pout and be bored."

"I won't be bored. I READ! I read books, which make me FEEL good and make
me want to become a better person, dammit!"

"Are you sure you're reading the right books?"

Sigh.

"Well, at least I'm trying."

"Keep trying. You might get there one day, though it's seems doubtful at
the moment."

"Well, Richard, allow me to live up to your insightful expectations of who
you think I am. I'm sleeping on BOTH pillows tonight and don't even think
about taking a blanket off the bed!"

But that's life, isn't it? That's relationships. Despite our rants and
differences, we do love each other very much.

Just not every day.

--

The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (still
seeking publisher) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short
for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to
involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to:
www.incidentsandaccidents.com. Kim resides with her husband, Richard and
daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email
Kim at kimburke@incidentsandaccidents.com