<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->
and
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Well that was fun...over 20000 subscribers are now receiving Purehumour
direct from my own server and it actually worked! ;) No major
flaws...
and all seems to be fine....damn where did I put that block of wood to
knock on!
Are you all getting this cold snap? We are under one hell of a deep
freeze right now...until about 2 weeks ago we were into one of the mildest
winters on record...but Mother Nature has a way of getting even with you
when you least expect it!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Gingee, Jack, Stan, Barb,
Keli, Rubin, SunAmy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?
Relative humidity
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Just cut to the cheese...
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Hey! Don't have a Cow!!
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Driving into a new gas station, Keli eased up to a pump. It was
diesel fuel. Keli circled and approached another set of pumps.
Self-service, and Keli wanted full service. Keli circled to the
remaining set of pumps, pulling up on the wrong side. One
more time around, and Keli came from the right direction.
The attendant walked up to my car. "Lady," he said grinning,
"I thought I was gonna have to get out my rope and lasso you
in!"
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become
pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she
consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very
willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would
probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control
and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a
date, the woman told her about the situation and handed
her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her
mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about
that! I'm dating Susan!"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man
can
sincerely try to help another without helping himself."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Time to get a new lift club?
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem
of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniver-
sary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that
florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to
his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed,
"Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all
went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came
home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers,
honey. Where'd you get them?"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Be the fastest on the Internet as you put together the Palace
Guards.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.16
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman
* It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
* Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
* Wearing white is always appropriate.
* Winter is the best of the four seasons.
* It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
* There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
* The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
* We're all made up of mostly water.
* You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
* Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
* Don't get too much sun.
* It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
* It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
* There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Two women were having a shower in a public bathroom, when one of them
noticed that the other woman has one breast longer then the second one.
See this see asks her "how come ?"
"That because my husband likes to suck their nipples" answered the
woman.
Well, said the first lady " My husband also likes to do it, but my two
breasts are the same size"
Yes but we sleep in two separated beds".
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Said the astronomer to his assistant: "You need to clean the telescope
better. There's a smudge on it. It makes it look like Uranus is dirty."
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
How old am I?
Danny
]~[
Dear Dummy...
You are old enough to annoy Aggie with stupid questions!
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Crazy kitty...
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Dog Vest...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears
a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling
holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man
screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo. "I
do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the
other
place."
"You don't want to go there", he replies. " The rape and
sodomize you down
there"
"I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for
that."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
"I want a silk dress!" the little girl exclaimed
to her mother.
"No! We can't afford it right now!" the Mother
replied.
This goes on until finally the mother says, "Why
do you want a silk dress?"
The daughter in a loud voice replies, "I'm tired
of the boys pulling the wool over my eyes."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Match the names of the athletes associated with their
correct sport.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.19
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny had just learned to count on his fingers.
One day his uncle came to visit and Johnny was anxious
to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle
to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked,
"What is three plus four?"
Little Johnny counts it out on his fingers and said,
"Seven."
The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out
on your hands because someday when you are in school,
a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your
hands in your pockets."
So Little Johnny put his hands in his pockets and
his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"
The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then
Little Johnny said, "Eleven."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.
"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred
dollars
to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."
"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know
that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body.
The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."
"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is
running."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Female Parking Lot (Duck!)
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Let there be light...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A Dutch man has been given community service for
advertising his ex-wife as a prostitute on a
website.
She received numerous phone calls after Henri Zeeman
from Rotterdam put her number on the site.
He said he did it because he was fed up being pestered
to pay maintenance.
De Telegraaf reports a court in The Hague has ordered
the 41-year-old to do 90 hours community service at a
home for elderly people.
The internet adverts said: "Please call me. I'm Monique,
a prostitute offering bargains and escort services."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and
pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after
followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to
have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car
and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports
equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I
wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] G L U T T O N G L A M O U R -- The Discovery Channel
aired "Gut Busters" which gave viewers a scientific look at the
physiological effects of eating contests through x-rays and interviews
of the pudgy participants. (LA Times)
Including three cruise ship regulars who spontaneously
exploded during a Midnight Buffet off the coast of Barbados.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Osama Bin Laden dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter
tells him
that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in
heaven. Osama Bin Laden must go to hell.
So Osama Bin Laden goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and
tells him
to make himself at home. Then Osama Bin Laden notices that he left his luggage
in
heaven and tells Satan, who says,
"No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked -
St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and
get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see
them, and one angel says to the other,
"My God! Osama Bin Laden has been in hell no more than ten minutes
and we're
already getting refugees!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Hansome couple...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A newlywed couple, who were both avid baseball fans, attended a
game at a baseball stadium.
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate -
hugging and kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the
game.
After a couple of seconds of thought the wife said, "I've got an
idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on the
balls."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What can Life savers do that men Cannot?
Come in 5 Flavors
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
March 4, 2002
Much more insidious than the al-Qaeda terrorist network is the al-Roker
terrorist network, whose efforts to destabilize the country through high
cholesterol are succeeding beyond their wildest dreams.
- Helen -
10. Peace has broken out in the Middle East. Arafat and Sharon shook hands. No
Palestinians or Israelis have killed each other in a week. Real estate prices
on the West Bank are skyrocketing. Ha ha. Just kidding.
9. "I'm on the side of those prisoners at Camp X-Ray who are on
hunger strikes to protest the fact that guards made one of them take off his
turban," declared anorexic supermodel Kate Moss, who is always looking for
an excuse.
8. If Fox hadn't announced they were planning a new reality TV series called
"Celebrity Boxing" in which Tonya Harding duked it out with Paula
Jones, I would have had to make it up. Coming next, Saddam Hussein vs. Tony
Blair.
7. "Barry Manilow's new album is fantastic," declared Adolf Hitler
from the 2nd level of Hell. "After all," he continued, "if a
putz like that can stage a comeback..."
6. Now that "Nightline" and "Politically Incorrect" are
history, Ted Koppel and Bill Maher are forming a boy band called 'N'
Consequential.
5. "This is the most offensive offensive since the last offensive,"
declared al-Qaeda spokesman Stu Pididiot after U.S. forces bombarded the Shahi
Kot Mountains in Eastern Afghanistan.
4. Spiros Kopelakis and his wife, Shirley Dreifus, say they are the owners of
the flag raised over Ground Zero. "We don't want it back," they said,
"and we refuse to explain why we have different last names."
3. Robert Mugabe is rigging the votes in Zimbabwe to assure his election.
"So what's the problem?" said the U.S. administration.
2. Why did ABC fire Dennis Miller and hire John Madden? How else could they get
Switzerland to finally join the United Nations?
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. Sirhan Sirhan is absolutely crushed that NBC won't let Jayson Williams
comment on the NBA just because he was charged with killing his limo driver.
"There goes my deal with Court-TV," whined the plucky assassin.
Personal to whoever cancelled "The Tick": You're going to burn.
Personal to whoever put Ozzy Osbourne in a sitcom: You're going to burn.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
15 million doses of smallpox vaccine diluted to 150 million doses of smallpox
vaccine plus 1 in every 20 consumers who has been the victim of credit card
fraud divided by 10 Israelis killed by 25 bullets from 1 sniper equals a
magnitude 7.2 earthquake in the Hindu Kush region of Afghanistan times 8 U.S.
soldiers killed in a Chinook helicopter minus a 9-million gallon lake being
drained in Georgia to find dead bodies divided by everyone who didn't vote in
the primaries.
HEADLINE FROM HELL
"Virgin Sued Over Aaliyah Crash"
- CNN Quicknews - (What did Britney Spears have to do with it?)
MAGIC FROM HELL
During a performance at Ford's Theater before President Bush, magician David
Copperfield attempted to "make the Senate Democratic majority disappear."
MUSIC FROM HELL
Your Enemies are My Enemies (Words and Music by James Wingerter) sung by Temple
Mount & Land of Israel Faithful Movement.
QUIZ FROM HELL
In the sequel to "Bambi,"
a) the ghost of Bambi's mom convinces him to kill his uncle.
b) he is cloned and the "good" Bambi has to fight the "bad"
Bambi.
c) he invents a time machine to go into the past to kill the hunters who killed
his mom.
d) he fucks an apple pie.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Totalitarianism in power invariably replaces all first-rate talents,
regardless of their sympathies, with crackpots and fools whose lack
of intelligence and creativity is still the best guarantee of their
loyalty."
- Hannah Arendt in "The Origins of Totalitarianism" -
"If the Palestinians are not being beaten, there will be no negotiations.
The aim is to increase the number of losses on the other side. Only after
they've been battered, will we be able to conduct talks."
- Ariel Sharon -
"There is almost no limit to what you can accomplish if you are willing to
give away the credit."
- anonymous -
"Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position
falls, your ego goes with it."
- Colin Powell -
"Ignorance Is Strength."
- George Orwell -
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
Everyone's a Suspect
They're looking over here and then they're looking over there
They're searching in the basement of the castle in the air
When they're tired of looking they are going to look some more
With all the subtle tactics of the diplomatic corps
I'm a suspect
You're a suspect
He's a suspect too
Everyone's a suspect when they haven't got a clue
Even Albert Einstein wouldn't know just what to do
When everyone's a suspect and they haven't got a clue
They're looking under this and then they're looking under that
They're expert at pretending that they see a welcome mat
They will look behind you when they see you leaving town
They all know that looking up can seem like looking down
I'm a suspect
You're a suspect
He's a suspect too
Everyone's a suspect when they haven't got a clue
Even Albert Einstein wouldn't know just what to do
When everyone's a suspect and they haven't got a clue
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/