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------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Today's issue includes contributions by: Barb, Marlene, Pat,
Laura, Wendy, Rubin, Annette, Keli, SunAmy, Marina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
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">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm
dying to have sex in the worst way."
So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is
standing up in a hammock."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Nutty sign...
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Rejected crayon names...
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Keli went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?," Keli
asked
the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell
you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." Keli thought about this,
but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the
bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The
bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
madam."
Keli was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not
so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." Keli and her girls
were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments
later, the Keli's husband, Greg, came home from work. The bird looked at
him and said, "Hi Greg."
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A customer wanted to ask his attractive
waitress for a date, but couldn't get
her attention. When he was able to catch
her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally
he followed her into the kitchen and
blurted out his invitation. To his
amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding
me all this time? You wouldn't even
make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought
you wanted more coffee."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance."
-Socrates
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Greetings one and all.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to
know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does
for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a
postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a
striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the
schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was
really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said,
"I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too
embarrassed to say so.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Desk Drop Jr. -
Match the falling objects and eliminate the rows.
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.11
">Play it</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Four young novice nuns were about to take their final
vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the
church where the Bishop was waiting to perform the
ceremony to marry them to God.
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, 4 Chassidic
Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came
in and sat in the front row.
The Bishop said to them, "I am honored that you would want
to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask
you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's side."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Comments made in the year 1957:
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long
before $5000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack
is ridiculous.."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside
help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the
garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible
to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as
long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every
new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000
a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making more than the president." "I never thought I'd see the day all
our kitchen appliances would be electric..They are even making electric
typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married
women are having to work to make ends meet." "It won't be long
before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem
to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole
lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half
our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to
congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too
rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took
two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today,
a five-year-old can do it.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
I have an embarrassing question and don't know who to turn to -- can you
help? What is the PC, polite term for boogers?
]~[
Dear no-name...
The polite term for boogers is "snot".
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Slightly overloaded...
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">Click Here </a>
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and on your left, Nothing...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a rich cat who was a bit of a
snob, though she did deign to chat on occasion with her
neighbor, an alley cat. One day, she announced that she was
about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it
was for.
Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and
inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask
what kind of operation she had .
"Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied,
stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy."
"For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in
exasperation, . . ."Why can't you call a spayed a spayed."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Six months after a waiter died, his widow went to see a
medium, who promised she would contact the man in the great
beyond.
During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband
standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.
"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
A ghostly voice drifted from the corner... "I can't. It's
not my table."
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Dog Bones -
Can you help Rover find his 5 bones?
<a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.12
">Play it</a>
-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
Mac started towards the stairs and then remembered he was
supposed to be hurt. He began limping, trying to remember
what it felt like when his leg broke 2 years before. He
stumbled forward and then laid down about halfway between
the basement steps and the porch off the kitchen.
He gave his best cry for help, but no one answered. He then
let loose the loudest noise he had ever made in his life. A
howling noise that he was sure no dog had ever made before.
"MAC?" Merril yelled from the basement. The howling
continued and the farmer made his way up the stairs. "Mac,
what happened?" He ran over to his loyal dog and bent over
as again asked what happened. "Is it your leg again boy?"
The other dogs so captivated by Mac's performance they stood
still and nearly forgot why the ruse was on in the first
place. It wasn't until Sam nudged the others that they began
their move.
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"I'm telling you, Joz, I've never been happier", Vayl told her
friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous...handsome,
sensitive, caring and considerate."
What in the world do you need the second one for?" Joz asked.
"Oh," Vayl replied, "the second one is straight."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A lawyer was cross-examining a witness:
"You have just testified that you heard the shot at exactly 11:32 p.m.?
How did you know what time it was? Did you look at your watch?"
"No," the witness said. "I looked at the sundial in the
garden."
"That's absurd," screamed the lawyer. "How could you tell time
by a
sundial at 11:32 at night?"
"I had a flashlight," the witness said.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Watch you step...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
An airline was forced to offload ski equipment from a
flight because a majority of men on board made the plane
overweight.
British European took the action on the flight from
Cardiff International Airport to the French ski resort of
Chambery on Saturday after the passenger list showed men
accounted for 76 of the 110 people on board.
A spokeswoman for the company says the weight of a full
plane was usually balanced by an even distribution of men
and women, who are on average lighter.
She said: "In this case too many of the passengers on board
were men, who are heavier. There was also the problem of
people bringing too many bags with them.
"The plane was a 146-300 jet which is designed for short
field runways like the one at Chambery.
"This means that the weight distribution is very important
for it to land safely."
The skis and snowboards arrived later on another British
European flight.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com
">Lists</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
John Smith took his collection of disabled umbrellas to the repairer's.
Two days later, on his way to work, he got up to leave the bus and
absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside
him.
"Stop, thief!" cried the woman, and at once she rescued her umbrella,
and covered him with shame and confusion.
Later that same day, John stopped by the repairer's shop and received
all ten of his umbrellas repaired and working fine. As he entered the
bus, with the umbrella bundle in his hands, he was horrified to behold
the lady of his morning misadventure, scowling at him.
Her shrill voice cut straight through him, as she charged, "Had a good
day, didn't you?!"
"No, madam," replied John. "A good day would not include you
twice."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] B U T T O N N U T -- Five hundred hours of new
audio tapes starring Dick Nixon and his White House Rat Pack have been
released and include a chilling conversation with Kissinger in which he
suggests the US nuke North Viet Nam. (AP)
Probably the same day he deputized Elvis as a Drug
Enforcement Agent.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
On their wedding night, Anni told Sam, "Since we're
married now, we can arrange our sex life like this:
In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don't
want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that
means I may or may not have sex. Lastly if my hair is
completely undone, that means I want sex."
Sam replied, "Okay sweetheart. Just make sure that
when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have
only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I
have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But
if I drink more than two, your hair won't matter!
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Good Clothes...
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At least they are honest...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A travelling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town
in Australia. He knocks on the door of a little hotel.
"Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but
you're welcome
to share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that's okay."
"Oh, that'll be great," says the bloke, grinning from ear to ear.
"And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman."
"Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little red-headed
schoolteacher."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What did the rope say after it got tangled?
Oh, no, knot again!
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
You've heard the stories where some poor schlub plays Dungeons and
Dragons for weeks on end, then freaking out and imagining himself to be
in a D&D adventure, before he was finally committed to a mental
institution. Nobody sued TSR, Inc., publisher of the D&D manuals --
don't ask me how I know that. I just do, okay?! -- because their kid
didn't have a firm grip on reality. Nobody sued the friends of the
whacko for criminal negligence just because their game-playing somehow
caused his mental breakdown.
So why is a Louisiana woman suing Nintendo of America after her son had
a deadly seizure? According to a story in the Baton Rouge (Louisiana)
Advocate, Esther Walker of Livingston Parish is suing Nintendo, claiming
that her son Benjamin Walker, 30, suffered a seizure that caused his
death, because he played on his Nintendo 64 game system eight hours a
day, six days a week, since he bought it. Walker purchased his Nintendo
64 in May 1999, and then bought 10 more games in the weeks that
followed.
According to Esther Walker's lawsuit, "Benji" Walker had six seizures
as
a result of the game. The sixth one happened on January 22, 2001.
According to the lawsuit, ". . . Benjamin passed out, fell forward and
hit his head and mouth on a table, which caused a severe closed head
injury, loss of teeth, and moderate bleeding." Walker died in the
hospital on January 26th, 2001.
The lawsuit also says that Walker had his first seizure in September
1999, and had five subsequent seizures over the next 17 months while
playing the games. Esther Walker claims that Nintendo produced a
defective product, but failed to give any adequate warnings about the
health risks.
What should they have said? "WARNING: TABLES ARE HARD. DO NOT HIT YOUR
HEAD ON THEM."
Or how about this: "WARNING: IF YOU SUFFER A SEIZURE AFTER PLAYING OUR
GAME FOR 48 HOURS PER WEEK, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CUT BACK A LITTLE BIT, AND
OH I DON'T KNOW, TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE OR SOMETHING? I MEAN, COME ON,
YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME LONGER THAN A REGULAR FULL-TIME JOB!"
The company has understandably denied any wrongdoing. And why shouldn't
they? They're not like the tobacco companies who purposely made
cigarettes addictive and then lied to the world about it for more than
60 years. Nintendo makes games for people to play. What is there to warn
about? "WARNING: THERE IS A TENUOUS, NOT-YET-PROVEN LINK BETWEEN CERTAIN
ELECTRONIC VIDEO IMAGES AND SEIZURES. SO DON'T PLAY THIS GAME. DON'T
EVEN BUY IT. SURE, WE MAY GO OUT OF BUSINESS, BUT THAT'S OKAY. DON'T
WORRY ABOUT US. WE'LL MANAGE SOMEHOW. WE CAN STAY WITH FRIENDS."
As sorry as I am for her loss, I can't believe that Esther Walker is
somehow surprised by all of this. Let's look at her own statements.
Benjamin Walker played his Nintendo 64 for eight hours a day, six days a
week, for seventeen months! Of course the guy had seizures! Anybody who
does something that much is bound to have some sort of problem. Whether
it's morbid obesity owing to lack of exercise, an exploded bladder, or
severe social awkwardness, if you sit in front of a TV for 48 hours per
week, something will go wrong.
I can't even work for eight hours a day, let alone all in a row. I
usually spend two or three hours a day playing computer games or
cruising the 'Net for pictures of Pamela Anderson (Note: if my boss is
reading this, that last sentence is completely untrue. I only put it in
there for comedic effect. I actually work 40 hours a week, non-stop.
Did I say 40? I meant 60 hours a week.).
But what makes it worse is that Benjamin Walker continued to play even
after he suffered his first seizure four months after he bought the
game. Not only that, he continued on his
eight-hours-a-day-six-days-a-week playing schedule, racking up another
four seizures. The fifth one happened while he was playing again, and it
just happened to be the one that did him in.
Doesn't it make sense that if the family were able to establish a
connection between the seizures and Walker's game playing, they would
have stopped him from playing? One would expect him to think, "I seem to
black out when I play. Maybe I should quit." But apparently this never
occurred to him, or if it did, they chose to ignore it.
And here's the added bonus: Esther Walker is suing for unspecified
damages for medical and funeral expenses, mental and emotional anguish,
and the lost future earnings of her son. Medical and funeral expenses, I
can understand. Mental and emotional anguish, no problem. But the "lost
future earnings" of her video-game-playing-for-48-hours-per-week son?
What kind of future earnings do you expect someone who plays that many
hours to have? Grown men who spend that much time playing games don't
have great career possibilities, let alone huge earning potentials.
And when you factor in the distinct possibility, although this is just a
guess on my part, that Benjamin Walker did not have his own place (i.e.
he lived in his mom's basement), the "future earnings" potential is
pretty much in the toilet, unless someone finally starts paying video
game geeks six-figure salaries for blasting bad guys and picking up
magic coins.
So should we feel bad for Esther Walker? Absolutely. Should we learn
something about playing video games in moderation. You betcha. Is she
entitled to untold millions of dollars because her son didn't quit
playing the games that caused his first five seizures? Certainly not.
If anyone should get any benefit out of this, it should be the new XBox
game system and their latest advertising slogan: "Now, 64% Seizure
Free."
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.