<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
WELCOME to what I hope is the FINAL issue of Purehumour
through Topica! The next issue should come to you live and
direct from Paul's Fun House...which for some of you will be
no different...all new subscribers in the last few days have been
added to the new list...but for most of you this will be a change
for the better...so goodbye from Topica...and look for a brand
new Purehumour starting next week!
I watched one heck of a great program on The Discovery Channel
on Wednesday and advise you if you get the chance to watch it...
the show is called "After the Fall" and it is about the investigation
into why the World Trade Centre collapsed. The show was
produced in Canada and hosted by Valarie Pringle, who is an
excellent reporter. They showed some never before seen footage
of under the WTC right down to the lowest level where the subway
is....now as we approach six months after this happened...it is
still unbelievable to see some of those images...if Discovery is
not showing this in the US...then someone should be onto them
to get it aired there!
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Carroll, Stan,
Ishy, Keli, Barbara, Wayne, Marina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A homo-sex-y'all.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A mother gets up during the night to do as
nature intended, when she hears some strange
noise from the living room. Going to investigate,
she snaps on the light.
She is utterly surprised to find her daughter stark
naked on the couch, with a young man the mother
didn't know atop of her.
"Well -- I NEVER!" exclaimed the mother.
"But mom, you MUST have!" smirked the daughter.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Lunch time is the high light of John's work day. Yesterday, a
bunch of us went to a local restaurant. Since it was just
the "guys", they were all begging him to tell them some "dirty
jokes". This of course led into some "gutter talk" and things
got worse from there. Before long Sam was bragging about
the size of his "manhood". Pete tried to top it by saying his
was bigger, Tony added his own exaggerations.
Then Paul said matter of factly "mine's about four inches."
There was stunned silence before John said "Paul, your kidding
right?"
"That's right, four inches." He said, with no hint of
embarrassment "you know, some women like it."
All sat in stunned silence, then Paul went on to say, "of
course others complain it's just too wide."
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
A wise man once said, Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for
late pizza.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Just hop onto my harley...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister
Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister
Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still
far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following
us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I
wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15
minutes at the most. What can we possibly do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to
walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the
only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach
us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You
go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us
both.
The man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister
Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried
what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell
me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man
couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL:The only logical thing happened. I started to
run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast
as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress
up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down
his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical,Sister? A nun with her dress
up can run faster than a man with his pants
down........
(And those of you who thought it would be dirty, say
two Hail Mary's.....)
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
When Cats Get your Password
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2004 Election
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Three Texans go to Mexico to get drunk and pass out while in the foreign
country. They wake up the next morning in jail.
They ask the guards what they are in for and one guard says the only
thing he knows is that they were to be executed for their crimes. Well
the day of execution comes and the first guy gets strapped to the
electric chair.
The guard asks if he has any last words.
The guy says "I'm from Baylor University and I believe in the almighty
power of God to prevail on the innocent."
The guard flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy gets strapped in and the guard asks for his last words.
He says "I'm from Texas Tech and I believe in the almighty power of
justice to prevail on the innocent."
The guard flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy is brought in and he says "I'm a Texas Aggie electrical
engineer and I'm telling you, you'll never electrocute no one if you
don't connect those two wires."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A "LEMON" OF A CAR.......
You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has
a direct line to Harry's Towing Company.
The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently
soldered to the battery.
You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.
As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic
opens the big door to the service bay and waves you in.
When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow
truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you drive
by, it silently falls in behind you.
The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard
comes on and reads "It's Me Again."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon.....
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
Why haven't you responded to my question I sent you a while ago?
Pissed Off
]~[
Dear Pissed off....
First of all, it's better to be pissed off than pissed ON, so shut your
pie-hole. Second, My replies are given to my dear nephew Paul, the Grand
Pooh-Bah, well ahead of publication dates, so that he will always have
answers "in the can". As far as I know, they are published in the
order
they are received. So there.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Norm & Kurt were in the local bar enjoying a beer
when the decided to get in on the weekly charity
raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a
pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each
had won a prize. Kurt won 1st prize, a year's supply
of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Norm won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back
in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.
Norm asked Kurt how he liked his prize, to which
Kurt replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!
How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Norm, "I reckon I'm gonna go
back to terlet paper."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of
the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and
was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you
are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
HMO
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I Pledge Allegiance
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<Stolen from a list that will soon be part of the Purehumour
Family!>
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a
beautiful 18-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married
and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was
it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the
surf, we made
love almost every night." His friend interrupts him. "A man your age!
How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made
love Tuesday..."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie. He takes a swing
and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the
balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "Goddamn wind!!"
The
caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such
profanity?!" The
priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for
forgiveness from God.
A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to
blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The priest sighs and again,
says : "Goddamn wind!!" The caddie, just as surprised as the first
time,
says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then
looks at
his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him.
Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of
thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The priest, not
believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord,
what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned!
My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!"
Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his arms,
scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "Goddamn wind!!!!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A young Sri Lankan woman has asked a court to annul her
marriage after she discovered that her groom was a woman
pretending to be a man.
The unnamed woman, in her early 20s, began an affair with
a co-worker who appeared to be a man and, after a brief
courtship, they decided to marry in a secret ceremony without
telling her strict parents.
The couple lived separately for three months but then moved
in together. On the same day, the bride's parents came to the
couple's new home to forcibly take back their daughter.
The 27-year-old groom later went to the parents' house to
retrieve the wife.
At that point, the parents became suspicious about the groom's
mannerisms and discovered that he was actually female.
The young bride has asked a Colombo court to void the marriage
on the grounds that she was deceived about her groom's identify.
She alleged that she did not know that her "husband" was a
woman until told by her parents, and that the deception has
negatively affected her job performance and education.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Ruth is complaining to her doctor at the annual checkup. "Marv, I'm losing
my urge to make love."
"Mrs. Edelman, it's quite natural and understandable. After all, you are
eighty-four," said the doctor. "But please tell me, when did you
start to
notice the change?"
"Last night," she answered, "and then again this morning."
"Aha!" exclaimed the physician. "Your problem isn't a diminished
sex drive.
What you need is to be coupling at least fifteen times a month."
After thanking him, she headed home, eager to let her husband know her
doctor's prescription. "Guess what, Pop? He says I need it fifteen times a
month, at least!"
Putting in his dentures, Pop says, "That's great, honey. Put me down for
five."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] P L A C E I N T H E S U N -- National
Velveteer and Butterfield 8 Oscarette Liz Taylor celebrated her 70th
birthday at a party with a few Hollywood friends. (LA Daily News)
Her longtime law firm House & Karr gifted her with a gold
ring encrusted with 467 diamonds and rubies -- the combined age of her
ex-hubbies.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little old lady is sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks
over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I used to live here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"For what did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
"Oh," says the woman. "So you're single..."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
How to be a Kosher Millionaire You have three lifelines to help you,
as follows:
1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion...or not.
4. Bonus lifeline! Your Mother will give you her opinion,
whether you ask for it or not.
Lets play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher Millionaire.
For $500
Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
NetanYahoo.
For $1,000
What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
Oil of Oy Vey.
For $2,000
What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
Debbie Does Dishes.
For $4,000
What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman?
The "Plaintiff."
For $8,000
How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
"Your Mother pays retail."
For $16,000
In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
When it graduates from medical school.
For $32,000
What does a Jewish women do to keep her hands soft and her nails
long and beautiful?
Nothing, she does nothing at all.
For $64,000
Define "Genius".
A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
For $125,000
What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
Genghis Cohen.
For $250,000
Why did the Moyel retire?
He just couldn't cut it anymore.
For $500,000
If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah be.
A fur coat.
For $1,000,000
What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an
Italian Grandmother?
10 lbs
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
How do you get a woman off during sex?
Push her.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
"DONATING MY BODY TO SPORTS"
by Melvin Durai
Thirteen-year-old Billy Flood died in July 2000. Almost two
years later he won a bronze medal at the Winter Olympics in
Salt Lake City. This is a true story. How do I know? I read
it on the Internet.
It was the top news story at StephenKing.com. Or was it
JerryFalwell.com? No difference, I suppose.
Actually, my source -- much more reliable -- was the
Associated Press, which reported that Billy's mom, Leisa
Flood, had donated his organs. His liver was implanted in
Chris Klug, who won bronze for the U.S. in parallel giant
slalom snowboarding, proving that transplant survivors can
be successful in sports that don't involve worms.
Billy and his mom deserve a lot of credit, because, as we
all know, it's impossible to win an Olympic medal without a
liver, no matter how much help you get from the French
judge.
I'm so glad I signed up to be an organ donor when I got my
driver's license. Who knows, maybe I still have a chance to
achieve my childhood dream: winning Wimbledon. But
hopefully, not too soon.
Perhaps I should specify whom I want my organs donated to:
any youngsters with athletic ability, particularly those who
are fairly tall and whose last name is Sampras.
If my plan goes well, I could eventually win championships
in a number of sports. After all, if doctors harvest every
single organ, as well as my skin and bones, I could end up
helping as many as 20 athletes. My heart would go to a
tennis player, my lungs to a ping-pong player, my brain
split between a boxer and wrestler. If need be, I'm willing
to donate my entire scalp to Michael Jordan. Hair included.
The only body part I wouldn't donate to strangers is my
tongue. I'm leaving it for my wife, because hers will surely
be worn out by then.
I wish I could be around to see the look on her face when
she receives my tongue, but I'm really not sure where my
eyes will be. With any luck, they'll be donated to a Sports
Illustrated photographer, the one in charge of the swimsuit
issue.
I'm actually not adamant about giving my organs to athletes,
as long as they go to people who absolutely need them (not
folks who just want an upgrade). More than 80,000 Americans
are waiting desperately for organs and a large number will
not be as lucky as Chris Klug. That's because many people
choose not to be organ donors -- for religious and other
reasons -- even though some of them claim to believe
in recycling.
The organ shortage has forced scientists to consider what
was once unfathomable: xenotransplantation -- getting organs
from animals. Genetically modified pigs would probably be
the first source. Yes, in a few decades, a patient who needs
an organ may have to simply make a withdrawal at the local
piggy bank. "I'd like a kidney please. And my wife asked me
to pick up a pound of bacon."
The International Olympic Committee may have to adopt strict
rules, forbidding transplants from certain animals.
Otherwise the athlete with a cheetah's heart would have an
unfair advantage over the athlete with merely a cheater's
heart.
IOC president Jacques Rogge: "We have decided to suspend
skater Michelle Kwan and award her medal to the first skater
who correctly pronounces my name."
U.S. official: "Why? What did Michelle do? Drink too much
Coke?"
Rogge: "We heard her friends bragging that she has the heart
of a lion. According to our rules, competitors are permitted
to have only hearts of pigs."
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
send a blank
mailto:join-funnycolumns@relay.netatlantic.com