<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Did you watch the AMA's last night....now don't get me wrong...I am
a perfectly healthy male that just loves all the nice costumes that those
cuties wear...but that last girl looked just a little ugly to me...you know
the one I mean...she was given the "Artist of the Century"
award...some
Jackson chick...she had a face that could stop all the clocks in America...
maybe it is time for some plastic surgery for her! ;)
Speaking of Awards shows...have you ever noticed that once January
arrives all the awards shows start...last night it was the AMA's....on
Sunday it is the People's Choice...later this month is the Grammys...
I have finally figured it out though...all these awards shows guarantee
that no matter how bad you sing...no matter how much your movie or
TV sucks....you are gonna get an award somewhere!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Barb, Bill, Rubin, Stan, Terri,
Wayne, Carl, Jamie, Carol, Marina, Ruth.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
A guy phones the local hospital and yells: "You've gotta send
help! My wife's in labour."
The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this
her first child?"
He replies: "No. This is her husband.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"New Year's Resolutions - 2002 Edition":
Resolution #1
1998: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
1999: I will not leave Marge.
2000: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2001: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
2002: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda ... and to Jennifer
Resolution #2
1998: I will stop screwing other women.
1999: I will not screw Wanda ever again.
2000: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another affair.
2001: I will stop screwing other women.
2002: I will try to get Wanda and Jennifer in Bed Together
Resolution #3
1998: I will not let my boss push me around.
1999: I will not let my sadistic bastard of a boss drive me to the
point of suicide.
2000: I will stick up for my rights when that prick bullies me.
2001: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
2002: I will find a job.
Resolution #4
1998: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1999: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2000: I will read 5 books a year.
2001: I will watch at least 1 Digemon cartoon.
2002: I will try to spend at least one day a month away from
the "Sluts who like to get off
while their girlfriends read them
Jackie Collins Novels" Chat
room.
Resolution #5
1998: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my
baldness.
1999: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my
flatulence and anal leakage due to
overdoses of chips made
with Olestra.
2000: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I have a penis
the size of packet of rockets.
2001: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.
2002: I will ask my parole officer if I am allowed to walk past Charlie
and Sam's Houses.
Resolution #6
1998: I will get my weight down below 180.
1999: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2000: I will follow my new diet religiously until I can once again
see my penis.
2001: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight and
learn to perform cunnilingus like a pro.
2002: I will try to spend at least one day a month away from
the "Sluts who like to blow fat
guys" Chat room.
Resolution #7
1998: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
1999: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2000: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2001: I wlk nut mysss anie AA meeteengs anie AA meeteengs.
2002: What year is it again?
Resolution #8
1998: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1999: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2000: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2001: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2002
and to heal from the wounds inflicted on
my by Micky, no nose,
Mamoth.
2002: I would like to be able to come out of hiding by December 2003.
Resolution #9
1998: I will see my dentist this year.
1999: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2000: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2001: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
2002: I will see my proctologist this year...maybe
Resolution #10
1998: I will go to church every Sunday.
1999: I will go to church as often as possible.
2000: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2001: I will try to spend at least once a week with a stranger who
takes my money and makes me scream
"Oh God!"
2002: I will try to spend at least one day a month away from
the "Sluts who like to have sex
with married religious men"
Chat room.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of
course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll
have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how
much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done,
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on
the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle
for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm
allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish,
but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment
and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the
rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie.
"You've got
it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long,
healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie
said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary
and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish,
genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have
sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said,
"Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those
houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments
and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune,
I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd
do the
same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the
rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over
and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you
and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded
breathlessly.
"NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
-Sir Winston Churchill
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Down under- up Over
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">Down under- up
Over</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A slightly tipsy Irisher is walking along when suddenly
he got his foot caught in some railroad tracks. He tried
to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He
heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get me foot
out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was
getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get me foot out and I'll stop
drinking AND cussing!"
Still nothing.....and the train was just seconds away! He
tried it one more time, "God please, if you get me foot out
of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and trying
to fornicate with all the women I meet."
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to
dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted
himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I
got it me self."
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Lose your head?
<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-2&R=2-10-1">Click</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An old man witnesses a burglary and appears in court.
The defense lawyer asks him, "Did you see my client commit this
burglary?"
"Yes," the man says. "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer adds, "This happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client
commit this crime?"
"Yes, I saw him do it," the man says.
The lawyer says, "You are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is
bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
The man says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman living way out in the country looks out her kitchen
window one morning and sees an elephant pulling up all her
cabbages and eating them. She's very isolated and has never
seen an elephant in her life, much less imagined one escaping
a circus train, so she calls the local sheriff and says,
"There's this huge horse out in my garden and he's pulling up
all my cabbages with his tail. And .... and .... and if I
told you what he's doing with those cabbages, you'd never believe
me!"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
Why are there ribs on rubbers ?
]~[
Dear can't figure out how to sign you name...
The "ribs" on a condom are there to help the less fortunate
of us learn to count. That is, the avg # of ribs on a condom
are 80-86.Whats that? you only count 39 on yours...oh..Well,
that is a different problem, indeed.Might Aggie suggest a
more normal friend behind the curtains until the lights go
out? Good luck to you and pee-wee!
Your Aunt Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The chip grows...
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">The chip
grows...</a>
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward
dominating every aspect of American life with the
introduction of Contraceptive02, a suite of applications
designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been
a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It
believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage
in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the
need for virus protection and a firewall to
ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive02 suite consists of three
products: Condom02, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and
AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of
Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
While Contraceptive02 does not address non-traditional
copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned . They
will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, and TitElation.
OPERATION - Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs
to install the package. If the user meets the
requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently
scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation,
operation commences. One caution is that the user must
have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the
session is complete, the user gets a message, it is
now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS - Usability testers report that frequent failures
were a major concern during beta testing. Early versions
had numerous bugs, but most of these have been
eliminated. The product needs
to be installed each time it's used.
CONCLUSION - Contraceptive02 is a robust product. Despite
its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for
its $299.95 price tag, and is far superior to
the competition. Hopefully, future releases (of the
software, that is) will add missing functionality, such
as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power
Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about
Contraceptive02's potential. He recently said, "Our
contraceptive products will help users do to each other
what we've been doing to our customers for years
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A family of pigeons was travelling on vacation when the youngest
offspring complained of tiredness. The father offered to pull the
youngster along with a string attached to him, but the latter declined,
stating, "I don't want to be pigeon toed.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
[Ugrin is unavailable]
--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
One of my New Year's resolutions was to not get angry while driving. I do
not consider myself an aggressive driverI am an assertive driver. That
resolution lasted for about three miles. That is an improvement from last
year.
Within that short distance, two idiots, who apparently cared little about my
resolution or me, pulled out in front of me. Part of that is my fault for
allowing almost enough space to fit a vehicle between my car and the car in
front of me. And true to passive-aggressive driving behavior, they both
proceeded to go slower than I had been travelling after risking life and
limb to get in front of me.
And what, pray tell, is passive aggressive driving behavior you ask?
[Find out next Thursday.....]
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon trying
to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor column on
his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed in nearly
fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a
friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all
men who have been married before, your husband sometimes
talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
Swedish teenagers were given alcohol to make them
happier while filming a state-funded anti-drinking
commercial.
It's reported the teenagers were invited by the
production company to be in the commercial and then
plied with wine and beer to make the scenes more
realistic.
A government spokesman says there was no intention
of getting them drunk.
The Aftonbladet newspaper reports the advert was
screened in cinemas throughout the country as well on
Swedish TV4.
It says one teenager said: "They gave us as much as we
wanted and several people were completely drunk."
Hakan Wrede, spokesman for the government's anti-drinking
committee that sponsored the commercial, said: "Some of
them had a drink to help them look happier and to create
a party atmosphere, but it was all controlled and there
was no intention of getting them drunk."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An Afghan soldier awakens in a field hospital.
He looks at the doctor and says, "Something is wrong,
Doc. I can't feel my leg!"
"I know," the doctor replies. "We had to amputate your
arms."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] P R E V I O U S E N G A G E M E N T S -- Officials
at the American Film Institute are trying to put a typical Tinseltown
spin on the failure of winners Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman,
Jennifer Connelly, Judy Davis and James Gandolfini to show up to accept
their awards. (LA Daily News)
Can't blame them. Who wants to be forced to watch clips of
themselves in crummy movies?
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset
and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop
laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says,
"Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out."
The principle says, "Well then, why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the classroom
smelling my fart while they put me outside in this beautiful, clean air."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss
concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy, just
take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need
to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need
anything just let me know."
Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the
blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying
hysterically.
He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be
okay??"
"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call
from my
sister and she said that her mom died too!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"OBITUARY FOR A BELOVED PET"
Buddy, beloved chocolate Labrador of former President Bill
Clinton, died tragically at about 12:15 p.m. on Jan. 2. Only
4 1/2 (almost 32 in human years), he was in the prime of his
life, with many bones left to bury, many carpets left to
stain.
Buddy was unquestionably the most popular dog in America. He
received thousands of letters during Clinton's presidency,
many from Republican admirers who addressed their mail
simply to "The dog in the White House."
The former First Dog was struck by a car after chasing a
contractor's van off the Clinton property in Chappaqua, New
York. Secret Service agents had rushed after Buddy, but
failed to stop him, leading security experts to question
whether the government spends enough money to protect VIPs
(very important pets). Tom Ridge, U.S. homeland security
director, asked another critical question: "What if Bill
Clinton had run after a car? Could we have saved him?"
Buddy was adopted by the Clintons as a 3-month-old puppy in
December 1997 and quickly asserted himself as the nation's
top dog. He accompanied Bill Clinton on many of his travels,
met foreign leaders who visited the White House, and spent
more time under the president's desk than any intern.
When tension mounted between Clinton and Al Gore, political
observers wondered if Buddy had become "the real vice
president." Said political analyst George Stephanopoulos:
"Buddy once chased a pesticide company's van, barking louder
than ever. That made us realize that Buddy, like Al Gore,
cared deeply about the environment."
When Hillary Clinton left the White House to campaign in New
York, Buddy moved into the presidential bedroom and had his
way with the presidential pillows. "I tried to get him to
stop," Clinton said. "I said, 'Buddy, if you don't cut it
out, the Republicans will try to impeach you.'"
Aside from chasing cars, his favorite hobbies included
chewing socks, eating anything that looked like food, and
barking at Sam Donaldson. "He loved to fetch things,"
Clinton said. "I'd be sitting in the Oval Office and I'd
say, 'Buddy, go fetch the ball' and he'd run outside and get
a ball. I'd say, 'Buddy, go fetch Monica,' and he'd run
outside and get a ball. He really knew what was good for
me."
Despite his friendly nature, Buddy did not get along with
the Clintons' other pet, Socks the cat, who often hissed at
the dog. "Buddy liked socks," Clinton said. "Just not that
kind of socks."
Socks and Buddy were featured in a 1998 book "Dear Socks,
Dear Buddy, Kids' Letters to the First Pets." Socks later
authored several other books, including "Buddy is not my
buddy," "Buddy is cruddy," and "Buddy, you
fuddy-duddy."
Buddy is survived by his mother, Bunny, an unknown deadbeat
dad, four brothers, five sisters, 24 half-brothers, 32
half-sisters, four pillows and a tattered sock.
On the night of his death, Buddy was honored at sporting
events throughout the country. Fans and players rose to
their feet and observed a moment of barking.
Buddy was laid to rest with full honors, his funeral
attended by dignitaries from around the world, both human
and canine. Socks the cat did not attend and did not send a
representative. Socks released a statement through his
spokesman, saying, "The death of Buddy proves what I have
been saying for a long time: Dogs are dumb! You'll never see
a cat chasing a van. We don't have nine lives -- we have
brains!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
send a blank
mailto:durai-humor-on@mail-list.com