<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR!  In the unlikely event that you
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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!

It is now 11:53pm on the Doomsday Clock...a shift forward of 2 minutes
since 1998.  This is a direct result of the terrorist attacks on the USA and
the fact that India and Pakistan are edging closer and closer to war, also
factored into this is the fact that other nations are on the verge of possessing
crude nuclear weapons.  The symbolic clock, kept by the Bulletin of the
Atomic Scientists and is a measure of how close we are coming to Nuclear
War.  If the clock reaches Midnight...then our time expires!  The closest to
midnight the clock has ever been was in 1953 just after the US successfully
tested the first Hydrogen Bomb when the clock was moved to 11:58pm...in
1991 the clock moved to the furthest distance from midnight when it reached
11:43pm after the end of the Cold War.

PUREHUMOUR IS MOVING! Unless something major occurs...
Purehumour will be coming direct from Paul's Fun House starting
with next Tuesday's issue! No changes are required on your
part...the change will be automatic and seamless!

Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Donna, Keli,
Rubin.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:

Hear about the new gay sitcom?

Leave it, it's Beaver.

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Cute plant...
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Titanic, the other story...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Correlation.....

[a] The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

[b] On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

[c] Conclusion: Eat what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.


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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

At a small airport terminal in Texas, three strangers
awaiting their shuttle flight start conversing about
the recent worldly events. The strangers were of
varying cultures. One was Native American. Another was
a cowboy from West Texas. The other person was a
Arab Muslim. During their conversation, they
began to discuss their cultural history. The Native
American stated "once my people were many, now we are
few."

The Muslim then chimed in and arrogantly said,
"once my people were few and now we are many."

The cowboy looked at the Muslim, shifted the toothpick
in his mouth and said with a grin, "That's cause we ain't
played Cowboys and Muslims yet."

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------

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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

"The search for someone to blame is always successful."
-Robert Half

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Clinton : Telling it all...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Hey Diddle Diddle,
My penis is little
And shriveled and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it
And tease it, and please it, It'll blow up just like a balloon.

------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------

St. Patricks Day greetings
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Irish For A Day
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Signs that your church has sold out to the corporate community:

- Nike "swoosh" on the cross
- Communion now sponsored by Welch's Grape Juice
- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements
- In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.
- Greeters all dressed like Mr.  Goodwrench
- Personal pew licenses now sold
- Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World
- Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep
- The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters
- Scripture verses brought to you by Windows 'XP
- Pastor doing subliminal product messages during sermon
- Bulletin has coupon section
- Choir members wear Dockers and Tommy H shirts
- In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel
- There is a credit card swiper on the collection plate
- Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercard emblems on them
- Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical Group, LLC
- Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC
- Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the FOX network
- Church vans traded in for red Ford Broncos
- Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes
- Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front
- Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo
- Free Perrier at all baptisms

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was
talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking
her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and
sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have
an accent," she replied. "But they have an accent, right?",

Brent asked. "They talk funny?" "Everybody talks in
different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound
like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You
mean they hear funny too?"

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------

Dear Aggie:

My live-in boyfriend of 11 years died suddenly a year ago, I'm
54, we had just moved to a new location when he suddenly died two weeks
later and we never got to know the people,I was devastated by his death, I
loved him dearly and we planned to spend the rest of our lives together.
Now I have to move on but, but I don't know where to start, I have no car
and feel stranded (the people around me are all couples) What should I do
to get a life?? I'm lonesome and feel left out. I think I am a friendly
outgoing person but I don't fit into where I live as they are all couples
- the whole WORLD is full of couples - how does a woman of my age (54) go
on? I'm open to suggestions - I'm retired and not tied down??

HELP

Lynne

]~[

Dear Lynne...

Aggie is deeply sorry for your loss. Hmmm...I suggest maybe twice a week, more
if you feel like it, cook a batch of brownies (cookies, bread,whatever) And take
them to your neighbors. Explain your situation, and say that you are just
looking to make new friends. I guarantee you at least a few couple will respond
and become good friends!

Now back to my usual smart-aleck self, already in progress...

Aggie

Confidential to Ice Hawk...Thank you

NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Hang a left at the corner of..
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Nasty fortune...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a
dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and asks, "What did I do
wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the
pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro,
"What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He
says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots,
and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same thing each
time. What is loft?"

The pro says, "Lack of fucking talent."

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

This is being written through a black eye. The school I work with is
getting some television coverage. One of the reporters, had this patch
invitingly pinned over her left breast which said - "Press" and I did.

------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------

Irish Greetings to ya
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Three Monkeys
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<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-1-55&R=2-10-1">Click Here</a>

--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------

I wink at her.  She rolls her eyes and pretends not to be
interested.  I can't help but admire her rack . . .and
pinion steering.  There is some mighty fine engineering
on that model.

As the light changes to green, I floor the accelerator.
My head snaps back as I surprise even myself with the
responsiveness of the engine.  Part of me wonders if I
might have a better chance of scoring if I let her win.
I look in my mirror to see if I have left her in the
dust.

Of course, she was in the left turning lane and she turned
when the light changed.

But I know she's still thinking about me.  My only problem
now is explaining this to my wife who is sitting in the
passenger seat.

2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

The couple on a blind date found they really hit it off and at the end
of the evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his
apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Debbie, tell me,
do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in
bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish, but I like you so much I'm sure I could settle for maybe seven
or eight inches."

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked
the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with
the pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him.

"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.

"Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been
pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't
heard, so what is your problem?"

"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with
erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and
hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many
times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something
for it?"

"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister," she informed
him. About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man,
I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you
is $600 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Interesting road sign...
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

An art exhibition has opened in Denmark where
visitors throw eggs at the paintings.

A local battery farm is supplying the eggs to
hurl at the artwork.

The paintings by German artist Christian Lemmerz
are on display at the Herning Kunst Museum in
Herning until June.

Lemmerz shocked the artworld previously with his
display of rotting pigs in glass boxes.

Other exhibits will shock some visitors, reports
Berlingske Tidende newspaper.

It includes work from Chilean artist, Marco Evaristti,
who previously exhibited goldfish in a blender and
paintings using real blood from victims of road traffic
accidents.

This year he is displaying work referring to death and
life; it includes needles filled with poison and a
gynaecologist chair with straps to attach to the legs.

"For me the chair is a symbol of birth and life. If
one gets another impression and believe this is about
torture, it is only because one thinks that way," he
said.

The Spanish artist Luis Vidal is exhibiting a room full
pornography but also including items associated with
young girl's things, like books about Barbie dolls,
lolly pops and a pink night dress.

"Abuse of children is very much a part of our lives and
it happens within the home as well, that is why I am
playing with this idea" Vidal told the online paper.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report.  If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com ">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

Lissa went to see a psychiatrist about her husband (he
wouldn't go with her).

"Doctor, My husband, Kurt,  has this problem.
Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

"My dear, that is not really a problem!  A lot of people
dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

Lissa leans forward as she softly whispers this
confidence:   "But you see doctor it is also a problem
for me!  Kurt sleeps with his mouth open and his little
light keeps me awake!"

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] C H A N E Y T R A I N E E -- A Secret Service agent
who's no doubt seeking an alternative career choice, left an envelope in
a Salt Lake City gift shop containing the itinerary, location and daily
schedule of US Vice prez Cheney during a photo op stopover at the Oly
Games. (ABC News)

Worse, it contained the secret combination to his pacemaker.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave
his gorgeous, sexy very blonde wife alone. The night before he left,
he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband,
winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get
horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.
"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should
use it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled all my fillings loose."

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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------

There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night. The
first one said, "What a day I had today. A man wasn't wearing his
seatbelt, and his head flew into the windshield. Took me all day to make
the face look natural."

Not to be outdone, the second mortician said, "You think that's bad? I
had a guy who got was hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took
me two days to put all the pieces back together!"

The third mortician just shook his head. "You guys have it easy," he said.
"I had this female parachutist whose chute didn't open. She landed in a
banana tree, and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!"

---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------

What's the most active muscle in a woman ?

The penis.

--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------

All The Wrong Moves
By Kim Burke

In a world of fast-paced people too busy to slow down and pitch in when
needed, it is rather nice to have a husband who is willing to lend a helping
hand when least expected.  (Cough).

Last night, after having worked an eight-hour day, I prepared and served
dinner.  I clean as I go so after dinner the only dirty dishes to be washed
consisted of two bowls, two spoons and two glasses.  Feeling waves of
exhaustion, I decided I would wash them up the following morning before
going to work.

From there I made my way to the bathroom and as I washed my face and brushed
my teeth, I realized as soon as I put my head on the pillow I would be fast
asleep.  I was so tired.  After changing into my pajamas (a Wal-Mart rayon
blend, which I would wear 24/7 if I could), I headed to the kitchen one last
time for a small glass of orange juice.  It seems I just won't be satisfied
unless I'm up three times a night getting rid of excess fluids, to put it
nicely.

Low and behold, my dear husband had cleaned out the refrigerator for me.  It
would appear I married the original good deed-doer but before you say,
"Awhow sweet," let me interpret this favor for you.  His part of the favor
doing consisted of setting four Tupperware bowls and some cookware he had
brought home from work on the kitchen counter for me to clean out and wash
the following morning.

Golly gee, he shouldn't have and I hope he never does again.

Being the epitome of a sweet, southern wife, naturally I pitched a
near-midnight twit-fit, which caused him to scurry off to bed with dog in
tow to play possum.  I, on the other hand, washed all of the dishes.  Not
only did I wash them, you could hear every item I washed, excluding
glassware, because of the loud banging sound that echoed as I set them aside
to dry.

Having closed down the kitchen for the second and final time for the
evening, I pounded my way back to the bedroom and explained, once again,
that had he really wanted to help out, it would be nice if he had actually
completed the 'work' part of the favor.

Actually, he did come into the kitchen (he is so brave) at one point to say
he would take over the dish washing, or dish-attacking however you want to
view it, responsibilities but feeling rather self-righteous I gave a
resounding, "No!"

Boy - that showed him!

After retiring to bed, I began to consider how hard he had worked during the
day, not only at his business but the tireless extra hours he was putting
into remodeling our new house, which we will be moving into this spring.  I
realized I had married Superman after all, but I still have no desire to be
Wonder Woman.  However, I can make certain exceptions.

Just don't expect me to don a 'Lynda Carter' outfit and fly an invisible
plane.  The plane wouldn't get a foot off of the ground before ripping apart
and neither would the outfit.

--

The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (still
seeking publisher) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short
for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to
involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to:
www.incidentsandaccidents.com. Kim resides with her husband, Richard and
daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email
Kim at kimburke@incidentsandaccidents.com