------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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The glow from the flame is still going strong! Way to go Salt Lake
City for putting on an excellent show! The games of the 19th Olympiad
were excellent! And even more excellent was the double hockey gold
for Canada! We did something that we had not done for 50 years and
it feels really good! All of Canada cheered Sunday afternoon as Wayne
and his boys defeated the USA 5-2 ... the score however does not
reflect the type of game...the USA put up a valiant fight...but in the
end it just wasn't enough. Congratulations to ALL the Olympians...
the spirit of the games lives on!
Look for the all-new feature "Cooking With Gus" in this issue
and each issue following this one!
PUREHUMOUR IS MOVING! Unless something major occurs...
Purehumour will be coming direct from Paul's Fun House starting
with next Tuesday's issue! No changes are required on your
part...the change will be automatic and seamless!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Brie, Stan, Wayne,
Laura, Barb, SunAmy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the difference between a gerbil and a cow?
Cows survive the branding.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Human pin cushion...
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
These are actual test answers from various schools in the
Huntsville, AL metropolitan area.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O,
and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you
understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor
one day to discuss their options. One was an
alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was
a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said,
"If any of you indulge in your vices one more
time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced
that he would never again indulge himself in his
vice. While walking toward the subway for their
return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing
the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies
accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot
of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the
bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the
bar, realizing how seriously they must take the
doctor's words. As they walked along, they came
upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still
burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and
said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're
both dead."
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty
good
too."
-Greg, age 8
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
What's this guy Doing??
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Top Reasons More Americans are Having Nervous Breakdowns..
12 "I'm good enough, I'm rich enough, and I deserve to have a nervous
breakdown!"
11 Just now realizing that sinking your life savings into your Beanie
Babies Collection might not be able to put your kids through college
after all.
10 Nervous Affective Securities Disorder Affecting Quality-of-life, or
NASDAQ, for short.
9 Elevators are running 20% slower than last year.
8 Majority of Americans now expected to take supplemental insurance
advice from talking ducks.
7 10 years ago: Your 5-year-old threatened to throw a tantrum at your
office picnic. Today: Your 15-year old threatened to buy out your
company and have you downsized.
6 In your mom's day, planning the wedding didn't require first
preparing for the nationally televised thong-bikini competition.
5 Due to a factory mishap, Taco Bell products in several states did
not contain the required dosage of Valium.
4 Every night, the same dream: "I, George W. Bush, do solemnly swear
that I will faithfully execute the office of-- mmmm... execute."
3 Most Americans: aging steadily Kool-Aid Man: waving his
perpetual
youth in our faces
2 Thanks to modern health care, moms are living longer, healthier,
more interfering lives.
1 HEY!!! AOL disconnected me again!!
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm
that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly
billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying,
and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that
the company would have to pay for each of these services.
Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU,
THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -- $125.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she
requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take
me out when I'm dead."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is
winning."
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
Whenever I say goodbye to my friend, Eric, over Instant Messenger he sends
me a kiss smiley :-x . The first time he did this I asked him what he
meant by that, he said "Nothing personal". He's been doing it
ever since
and I don't understand why! We're not boyfriend/ girlfriend or
anything! Why does he do that and what the heck does he mean by
"nothing
personal"??? Is he some kind of whore???
Uncertain Gal
]~[
Dear Paranoid gal....
He probably doesn't want anything. Perhaps you do, and wish he would? hmmm?
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
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Aggie</a>
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Caution Toxic Fumes!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him
for an examination.
"Mrs. Smith, I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but
I'm Miss Smith, not Mrs."
"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Smith," said the doctor without
changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the
checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon
slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed so
I the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now."
"Coupon
heaven?" the checker said. "Yes," the woman said, "That's
where coupons
go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
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-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
The pack moved quietly around the peach trees and then
around the chicken coop. They could see Merrill taking the
last of the boxes down the stairs and into the basement.
"OK, Mac. It's time to do your stuff." Sam whispered.
Mac started towards the stairs and then remembered he was
supposed to be hurt. He began limping, trying to remember
what it felt like when his leg broke 2 years before. He
stumbled forward and then laid down about halfway between
the basement steps and the porch off the kitchen.
He gave his best cry for help, but no one answered. He then
let loose the loudest noise he had ever made in his life. A
howling noise that he was sure no dog had ever made before.
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel, and Fabio
had? They're no longer on a first-name basis.
Did you hear about the man with two left feet who went into the shoe
shop? He asked, "Do you have any flip-flips?"
Did you hear about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding
was terrible, but the reception was excellent!
Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a sheep with a porcupine?
They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
My friend read her son's horoscope and thought it
quite appropriate.
"You've spent the last few weeks looking for escape,"
it said."But now it's time to get on with your life."
She had just given birth to him that morning.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Hands? Who needs hands?
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
German police pulled over a suspected drunk driver
only to find he had a snake in his trousers.
The 21-year-old man was spotted zig-zagging along a
road in Goettingen.
He was on his way to the vet when his 5ft pet adder
escaped from its cage and crawled up his trouser
leg.
"I was so shocked I lost control of the wheel for a
minute and swerved," he told police, according to
German daily Bild.
The officers helped the man to free the harmless snake
from his pants. The man was released without charge.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman
was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.
"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"
he announced, standing up to leave.
"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the
morning, let me know what you think."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] F O U L ! -- TV critics reviewing Wednesday's debut of
Julia Louis-Dreyfus' new sitter "Watching Ellie" generally gave it
high
marks despite previous duds fielded by fellow ex-Seinfelders Michael
Richards and Jason Alexander whose efforts to fly solo came up short..
(LA Times)
Richards and Alexander immediately filed a protest claiming
French and Russian critics low marked them in favor of Louis-Dreyfus.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
In ancient times it was believed that the gods and goddesses
could come down to earth and visit mortals, sometimes
coupling with them.
One morning a sweet young thing told her mother, "I think a
god coupled with me last night."
"Really?" her mother asked. "I wonder if it's Thor?"
"Thor?" the girl asked. "It'th tho thore I can't touch it with a
powder puff!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes
practices.
These companies target the elderly and make them
think they will receive a bunch of money, but in
reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Did you hear about the blonde that lost her boyfriend?
She forgot where she laid him.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Yo Quiero Justice
Maybe it was a sign. Maybe the email I received was actually the first
sign that civilization as we know it is drawing to a close. My response,
while made in jest, probably turned out to be one of the most prophetic
things I've ever said. It started like this:
A friend forwarded an email about a stupid lawsuit that he received from
another friend. Regular readers of this column know how much I love
writing about stupid lawsuits.
In this lawsuit, a man was suing Domino's Pizza after he opened his door
and found nobody there. He had just seen a commercial for Domino's that
ended "Get the door. It's Domino's." The man says he went to the
front
door and opened it, but no luck. He then checked the other doors of his
house, but when there were no pizza delivery persons around, so he ". .
. just broke down and cried."
As it turns out, this was a news parody from the fine folks (actually
it's just one guy) at The Rutabaga. The Rutabaga (www.therutabaga.com),
not to be confused with The Onion, another news parody site, is the
brainchild of creator Matthew Baiocchi, who has been writing his news
parodies since November of last year.
However, Baiocchi's story may have been a little too good, because my
two friends partially believed the story was real. Which makes me
wonder: how many more people have forwarded it on because they thought
it was real?
When I pointed out that it was a parody, they were a little embarrassed,
but I wrote back: "We have been so desensitized by the number of stupid
lawsuits over the past few years that something this crazy is actually
believable. Ten years ago, you would have recognized this as a parody.
But today, thanks to a bunch of greedy, blood-sucking lawyers, a lawsuit
like this one is not beyond the realm of imagination. I think a lawsuit
like this will actually be filed within the next ten years."
Put that prediction in a Time-Life book, because we're one step closer
to seeing that kind of lawsuit filed in a US court. It's a frightening
thought, but sadly it's true. Here's why:
Taco Bell recently settled a lawsuit filed by Vivian Cross, after her
son and a friend were killed in an alcohol-related car accident on
February 11, 1999. Jasper Burns and Misty Sutton were passengers in a
car driven by Tommy Goodin, a then-employee of Taco Bell, who had a
blood alcohol level of .04.
Cross filed the lawsuit because Goodin and Sutton were given alcohol by
Cary Cunningham and Russ Braly, two other employees of Taco Bell.
Understandably, Cross said it was Braly, Cunningham, and Goodin's
negligence that led to the accident. However, not-so-understandably,
Cross said that as Taco Bell employees, most of the financial burden
should be shouldered by Taco Bell.
Why? It's simple. Cross claimed that Braly, Cunningham, and Goodin -- in
their capacity as Taco Bell employees -- planned and purchased the
alcohol while they were at work the previous day. In other words,
because the three talked about the party at work, Taco Bell was
partially liable.
How moronic is this?! Does this mean that if you're at work, and you
discuss anything non-work related that leads to an accident, the
employer is liable for your off-work actions? Hardly, but Taco Bell was
worried that someone might believe it, so they caved to these outrageous
claims, and settled the suit.
Now don't get me wrong. I completely sympathize with Vivian Cross' loss.
To lose a child is something no one should ever have to face. And I
believe that Braly, Cunningham, and Goodin should bear 100% of the
responsibility. But to blame Taco Bell because they were employees is
going too far.
Why didn't Cross blame the auto industry, the highway department, or
even the liquor manufacturer? If the three had planned the party over
the phone, would Ma Bell bear the blame? If they had devised it in an
online chat room, would the computer industry be at fault? What if,
instead of planning a party, the three men had actually created a plan
that saved millions of taxpayer dollars? Would Taco Bell get credit for
it? Would they be entitled to some of the money? Would George Dubya
appoint the "Yo Quiero" dog to his cabinet?
Of course not. Because the three men would not have been acting in their
capacity as Taco Bell employees when they created the plan. They would
just be three guys talking at work. And it's the same thing now: Braly,
Cunningham, and Goodin were not planning a Taco Bell party. They didn't
buy alcohol from Taco Bell -- Taco Bell doesn't even sell alcohol. Taco
Bell didn't sanction the party, or hold it on the premises. Basically,
Taco Bell had nothing at all to do with the party, the alcohol, or the
accident. The net result would have been the same whether the three
worked at Taco Bell, Publisher's Clearinghouse, or the place where they
put little pimientos into green olives.
The only reason Cross went after Taco Bell is because three guys in
their early 20s who work at fast food joints don't have the millions
that a plaintiff's attorney wants. However, a multi-national restaurant
chain owned by a bigger multi-national soft drink corporation does, and
that's what any greedy plaintiff's attorney will advise their client to
do: go for the guy with the big bucks, hope he blinks first, and settle
this thing for a few million.
Although they're not liable for the accident, Taco Bell should be held
responsible for the similar lawsuits that will follow, just because they
chickened out. They caved because someone thought that millions of
dollars could make it all better. They wimped out because another greedy
attorney couldn't say, "I don't think this is appropriate." They
didn't
have the guts to stand up and say "Just because we have money doesn't
mean you're entitled to it."
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe we're not ten years away from a real Domino's
lawsuit, but only two or three years away instead. Maybe we're becoming
such a greedy, lawsuit-happy society that our entire economy won't be
based on goods and services, but on the settlements and winnings from
lawsuits filed by idiots and thunder-headeded morons.
But if it doesn't happen, I'm suing the entire legal professions for ten
billion dollars. Hey, everyone else is doing it. Why can't I get my fair
share?
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.