<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
There are some moments in life when a nation is defined...and last
night we saw Canada defined! Canada is a country of strength and
perseverance even under extreme pressure...In Olympic Women's
Hockey...Canada won the Gold medal last night against the USA...
even though the referee (who just happened to be from the USA)
called 12 (TWELVE) penalties against Canada...most of which
were pretty weak penalties! So "in your face" USA....this is
the
first major tournament that the Canadian women have ever beaten
the USA...and we are damn proud of them! The women had the guts
and determination to pull of this gold medal and were extremely
gracious in their win...now we watch for the men's hockey gold too!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Jack, Stan, Keli,
Amanda, Barbara, John, tom, Marina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything
to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman went to a computer dating service and said she
didn't care about looks, income or background. All she
wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was
seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they
had one thing in common -- they were both pathological
liars.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man was out walking one day and went by a
retirement home. As he passed the front lawn,
he saw 9 old ladies basking in the sun in
lounge chairs.
When he looked closer he realized that they
were all stark naked. He went to the door and
rang the bell. When the director answered the
door, the man asked if he realized there were
9 naked old ladies laying in the sun on the
front lawn.
The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain
that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes
living at the retirement home, and they were
having a yard sale.
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"It takes 20 years to make an overnight success. "
-Eddie Cantor
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
[Funlist is unavailable today]
--------------------ATLANTA DISPATCHES------------------------
Atlanta Dispatches
By CourierAnn
Valentines Day
Traffic in town last night was awful. Looked as if no one
went home. Everyone who didn't work in town headed into town
for the restaurants and shows with their sweethearts. Of
course the roads department decided to do some road work in
Mid-town on Piedmont. Had the entire right lane closed from
Lindberg to the I-85 SB access road, but they had the wrong
road warning sign up. It showed the merge for a left lane
closure, so of course everyone dutifully got into the center
and right lanes. Two blocks further do when they then had to
move back over again into the center and left lanes. Wonder
how many folks were late for reservations that night! Such
is street repair in the city of Atlanta. Guess we shouldn't
complain, at least the new mayor (Shirley Franklin) is doing
something about the pothole!
Copyright 2002, February
CourierAnn is a old friend who just happens to be driving
streets of Atlanta, Georgia...her comments on her job will
make the occasional appearance in Purehumour.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent
on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on
top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any
survivors. After finally reaching the top of the
mountain, they came upon the crash site.
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back
against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the
bone onto another huge pile of bones, he noticed the
rescue team.
"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I'm finally
saved!!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in
shock seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone
survivor. Obviously he had eaten all his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung
his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this,"
he insisted.
"I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward,
shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for
doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man,
your plane only went down this morning!!"
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
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How fights get started
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out
to the shops in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale
department store and approached the saleswoman in lingerie, "Do you have
a size 28AA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she was rebuffed in much the
same manner. After a third try at another department store in the town
centre, she had become disgusted. Leaving the city centre, she drove to
Wal-Mart on the outside of town.
Marching up to the sales assistant, she unbuttoned and threw open her
blouse and yelled, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried
Clearasil?"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A young woman was having a physical examination and was
very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she
removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so
ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel
ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and
said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by
just one busted condom?
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
My friends are complaining that I suffer from some sort of disease which
causes me to forget what I am doing.
What i want to know is...............
I've Forgotten
]~[
Dear Verboten....
It is my understanding that the rubber on the walls of cells like yours are
thinnest in the corners. Perhaps you should beat your head there.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
[Funlist is unavailable today]
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A Classic!>
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the house, unassisted, and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw her self to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her blonde head is struck
against the ground over and over. As her head is batter against the
ground, she is mere moments from unconsciousness when to her great
fortune............................
The Wal-Mart greeter; sees her and unplugs the horse.
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm
going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much
about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear
and out the udder.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
French Fry
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Shipwrecked
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
At long last the good-humoured boss was compelled to call Fisk
into his office. "It has not escaped my attention,"
he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at
the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't
realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me
every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh
fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies
and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite
dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where the hell I live!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
[Funlist is unavailable today]
-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A Japanese policeman is alleged to have urinated on his
neighbour's doorstep in a row over a noisy exercise bike
and a boisterous child.
The unnamed Fukuoka officer is accused of doing it
several times since January. He now faces criminal
charges.
His neighbour set up a video camera and presented the
footage to the police.
The Mainichi Daily News says the policeman is understood
to have tried minimising the noise from his apartment by
sending his wife and child to her parents during the day.
The pair would then not come home until after the child
fell asleep.
Reports say the neighbour kept complaining and the
officer allegedly took out his frustration by urinating at
the entrance to the man's apartment.
Masao Yamaguchi, the officer in charge of Fukuoka police's
disciplinary affairs, says the matter will be strictly
dealt with.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning. When his father asked him
what the problem was the kid said, "I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats
birds."
His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.
Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming
from your bedroom. When I listened at your door, I heard mom say, 'Should I
swallow it or let it fly'!"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
||||] B O O ! -- National Guard units nationwide routinely
report non existent members to pentagon bean counters to insure the
continued flow of federal bucks to the state run khaki brigades. (USA
Today)
The so called "ghost members" were discovered when a federal
official noticed a troop count verified by a General Casper L. Friendly.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So, they go
to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and
says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do
not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it
means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."
With this, the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl
moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, "Pastrami!
Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney!
Baloney!"
Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches
up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what
I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied, "Big tits."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one
woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on
his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest
of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are THAT
big."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
The Bishop has posted new rules in Catholic Girls School.
Lights out at 10:00, candles out by 10:10.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"GIVE YOURSELF AN EDGE IN THE JOB MARKET"
These are tough economic times in America. If you're like
me, you're saving money any way you can. I've set my
thermostat down to 60 degrees, moved my couch closer to the
fireplace and replaced my firewood with Enron stock. Who
said they're worthless?
In this harsh economic climate, it's important to have a
job, any job. But finding a job isn't easy, especially since
so many companies are laying off workers. Competition for
jobs is so intense that Wal-Mart recently sent a rejection
letter to Dennis Rodman. "Dear Mr. Rodman: It appears you
may have misunderstood one of our advertisements. Just to
clear things up: Our PRICES are dropping, not our
standards."
With all the competition, it's vital for job seekers to give
themselves any edge, aside from asking George O'Leary to
write their resums. That's why I've decided to offer a few
tips to help people stand out. Some of these tips may seem
obvious, but, trust me, they're often overlooked.
---Tip #1: Learn to speak English. When the economy was
strong, some folks were able to find decent jobs in America
by knowing just three words of English: "Me want job."
Others, realizing the importance of grammar, tried a little
harder: "Me wants job."
These days, three words aren't enough to secure a job in any
part of America outside Miami. Job seekers must learn at
least six words, particularly these six words: "Would you
like fries with that?"
Those may seem like easy words, but some immigrants really
struggle with them. A few have been fired from fast-food
restaurants for repeatedly asking customers, "Would you like
flies with that?"
As you can imagine, a number of customers complained. One
man in West Virginia was enraged. "Hey, I ordered flies with
my burger, not fries."
---Tip #2: Go easy on the tattoos and body piercing, unless
you plan to join the circus. One or two is OK, but when your
entire body is green and every appendage is pierced, don't
expect the Christian Light Bookstore to hire you.
Yes, I know: some tattoos are art. In fact, Leonardo Da
Vinci once considered putting Mona Lisa on someone's butt.
But he didn't realize that, with the help of a navel ring,
he could have hung that butt in a gallery.
---Tip #3: Make a good impression at the job interview. Wear
some nice clothes and, even if it's not the right day of the
month, consider taking a bath. Don't let the interviewer
smell you before he sees you.
If you're a man, it's probably a good idea to trim your
nails, mustache and any unruly locks of nose hair. If you're
a woman, try to keep your facial hair to a minimum --
without removing your eyebrows.
---Tip #4: Do some research. Employers are impressed when
you know something about them. You might want to find out,
for example, what they do. Don't ask the manager of Cracker
Barrel how heavy the barrels are. And don't ask the manager
of Subway when the first train arrives.
---Tip #5: Don't do drugs. Most employers test for drugs and
if you fail the test, you won't get a second chance, unless
you're in the National Football League. If you like to get
high several times a week, apply for a job as a flight
attendant. It's safer and it won't deplete your bank
account. Which means you'll have enough money to buy art
for your wall, not your butt.
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2001 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
send a blank
mailto:join-funnycolumns@relay.netatlantic.com