<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Well after all Mr Gretzky's whining...Canada pulled off a much
needed win in the Olympic hockey last night and beat Finland
3-2....they now are up against Belarus in an attempt to get to
the gold medal game! Belarus...that hot spot of hockey in the
world!!!! Who would have figured that Belarus could knock off
Sweden! So much for Sundin and his gang!
Exciting times begin this Saturday as PHWeekly...Purehumour
weekly edition...moves from Topica to my own host...this is a
test of the software that will result in Purehumour being moved
over to the host some time in March. Hopefully things go okay
and the first issue runs smoothly!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Pat, Rubin, Stan,
Jo, SunAmy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said,
"Give
me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burglar answered, "Dammit, don't change the *subject*!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Miss Suzie was teaching her class about whales...she told the
class that although whales are the largest creatures on earth
they have really small mouths and can only swallow krill and
other small sea creatures.
Little Johnny immediately stood up and told the teacher she
was wrong.
The teacher asked why?
Little Johnny explained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale in
the Bible.
The teacher told Little Johnny that was impossible as a whales
mouth is much to small.
Little Johnny argued that if it was in the Bible then it was true...
but the teacher stood her ground.
Little Johnny told her that when he went to heaven he would
ask Jonah himself...and then the teacher asked Little Johnny
what if Jonah went to hell?
To which Little Johnny replied..."Then you can ask him!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<A classic!>
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket
girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie.
Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals
in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the
chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought
a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses
named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the
chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his
pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the
movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered
Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age we've
seen them all."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Some cliches explained....
"EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES" Not true. In reality, everything comes
in
ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like
everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was
widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong,
too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.
"YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU (When you die)" Well....., that depends
on
what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it
with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably
put some things in your pockets.
"YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY" Actually, you learn something old
every day. Just because you've just learned it doesn't mean it's new.
Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.
"THE SKY'S THE LIMIT" Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky
never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You
dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the
limit.
"YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR" Clearly this is not true. Have you been
shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get
what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases
carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving
you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not
even get that.
"TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY" Not necessarily true. Today is another day.
We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be
another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to
say so. But, you know what? By that time, it will be today again.
"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" Not true. Studies have shown that, on
average,
nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish
last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice
guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.
"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL" Do we even have to talk
about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've
seen ... one. If you've seen them all, *then* you've seen them all. I
don't even understand how this one got started.
"THOSE WERE THE DAYS" No. Those were the nights! Think back. Weren't
the nights better? Days you had to work. Nights you went to parties,
danced, drank and got laid. "Those were the nights!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
When my son first start dating he said, "I want
to marry a good woman, a smart woman, one who'll
be a good mother to our kids, a woman who will
make me happy."
I told him he'd better make up his mind.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Morris a young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the
end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into
his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert
you at Notre Dame ?"
The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
My penis appears to be going orange - what can I do about it?
Orange Blush
PS Each night, I watch porn movies while I'm eating cheetos.
]~[
Dear Orange Nut....
Eat the cheetos with the OTHER hand !!!
Aggie...Where's my cough syrup......
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up
and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her
husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop
where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a
putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers
favorites
is, 'NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what
started the
argument in the first place!"
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A family had just sat down to enjoy their lunch one Sunday, when there
was a pronounced knock on the front door.
The man of the house rose and went impatiently to the door and quickly
opened it.
To his surprise there was no-one there and so he looked around to see
what had made the noise.
As he was about to shut the door again, he noticed on the doorstep a
strangely alert looking snail.
The snail cleared its throat and said in a clear, but squeaky voice
Excuse me, but are you about to enjoy a wonderful Sunday meal?"
The man was stunned and replied , "Yes, but what's it to you?"
Whereupon the snail replied, "My family and I are starving so I was
wondering if you could spare us just a little!"
The man was utterly gobsmacked and shouted angrily, "You cheeky little
snail!" and promptly kicked the snail right over his own hedge and into
his neighbour's garden.
He sat down again with his family and they finished their meal and to
another thought was given to the incident.
A few weeks went by. Another Sunday lunch was once more taking place.
The family were sitting around the table.
They were about to enjoy a feast of a meal when there was again a
pronounced knock on the door.
The father arose, strode to the door and threw it open only to find
no-one there.
Once more as he was about to shut the door, he noticed that this
strangely alert looking snail was on the doorstep again.
The snail fixed him with a sad look in his eye and said with the utmost
hurt in his voice . "What did you do that for?"
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
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--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
I pull up to a red light. In the car beside me is an
attractive young woman. She is driving a Posche. I
wonder if she is up for a race.
I rev the engine of my Chrysler minivan. When she looks
over, I kind of nod my head and smile at her. It's kind
of a Joey Tribbiani "how you doing" thing. I allow the
van to jump forward a couple of inches (it actually does
this on its ownI think I need to have the brakes checked.)
I can tell she wants me. She is playing hard to get.
[continued next Thursday]
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Mrs. Siegel, rather advanced in years,
had finally been persuaded to consult a
psychiatrist for the first time. The
psychiatrist, after an extensive interview
said, "Mrs. Siegel, with your permission
I will try an experiment with you. It may
serve to advance us more rapidly. I am going
to have you lie here on the couch for half an
hour, and during that period of time I want
you to think of nothing but sex.
Do you understand me? Just think of sex.
When I come back I will ask you what you have
thought and we can proceed from there."
In half an hour, he returned. "Well, Mrs. Siegel,
have you been thinking of sex?"
"Yes, doctor," she said.
"And what have you been thinking?"
"I've been thinking," she answered, "that in my opinion,
Sex Fifth Avenue is not as good as Nieman Marcus."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
In the murkiness of a skid-row alley, a street-walker mistook a Salvation
Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.
"You may be forgiven as a victim of circumstances," intoned the
savior of
souls. "Tell me, are you familiar with the original sin?"
"Maybe and maybe not." she shot back. "But if it's really
original, it's
gonna cost ya an extra fifty."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A Sex Machines Museum has opened in the Czech Republic.
Exhibits include S&M bondage racks, electric nipple
clips and Victorian anti-masturbation devices.
Prague's city leaders say they would prefer postcard
stands for tourist attractions.
While Berlin, Barcelona, Madrid and Amsterdam all have
"museums of the erotic", Samuele Nubile who runs the
museum says it is unique in concentrating on sex
machinery.
"There are sex museums in cities all over Europe,"
he told the Prague Post. "We wanted to specialise in sex
machines, to show people that this also exists."
It has exhibits such as The Throne, a replica of a
reclining rocker that once toured brothels in 19th-century
France, and was used for "group games".
The museum has made some concessions to critics by removing
a window display featuring leather-clad mannequins tied up
in a complex system of posts and pulleys, operated by a
figure in a latex nun's outfit.
Other displays show mannequins dressed in latex and leather,
one wearing a spiked hooded "gimp mask" and another with a
face mask with a funnel and tube running into its mouth.
City officials are not keen on their new tourist attraction.
Martin Kupka, city hall spokesman, said: "Foreigners might
think we just leaped out of the bush."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
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">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Navy always tries to discourage "sick call" to keep the sailors
on duty.
Two Corpsmen were standing around when a new Seamen entered Sick Bay. The
sailor asked if the ship's doctor was any good.
"Good?" said one Corpsman. "He doesn't fool around at all. A guy
came in
with foot cramps and the doc cut off his foot."
"And remember the guy with erysipelas?" asked the second Corpsman.
"The doc
lobbed off his right ear."
The sailor turned a pale shade of green and said, "I'll be back later.
I've
just got a mild case of jock itch."
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] D I S E R Y -- Despite having to exterminate 4000
mouse force stalwarts, shuttering 50 souvshops, slashing the prices of
theme park ducats and watching their TV net struggling to stay in third
place, Disneyhonch Michael Eisner assured shareholders that "the
overriding message is that the company is in great shape." (USA
Today)
Sounds a little like a classic case of whistling Zippidy Doo
Dah in the cemetery.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"Daddy," said Little Johnny, "I'd like to get married."
"Sure, son." said his father. "Anyone special in mind?"
"Yes," answered Johnny. "Grandma."
"Now, wait a minute," said his father. "You don't think
I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!"
"Why not?" the Johnny asked. "You married mine."
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury
a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what
they were burying. "This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are
you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men
doing,
digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Did you know the average male is 6 inches long,
and the average female is 8 inches deep?
So in New York City alone there is over 3 miles of
unused pussy!
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
The Winter Olympic Handbook
An Explanation of Obscure Events
By Doug Powers
Over the last few weeks, I've overheard many conversations centering
around confusion as to what exactly many of the events at the Olympic
games entail. "What's curling?" Or, "What's skeleton
racing?" Or,
"Looks like the only one who didn't know Rosie O'Donnell was a lesbian
was Rosie O'Donnell." The first two are on-topic and deserve my
attention.
I thought it would be a good idea to write a column explaining s
to the games. Print it out and keep it as your handy guide for the
rest of the 2002 Games, and have it laminated so it will be around for
you as you watch the 2006 Games in Turin, Italy, where I predict a big
controversy will arise after a snowboarder gets baked on California
RedBud and decides that the Shroud makes a "bitchin' robe."
Everybody's heard of downhill skiing, figure skating, and hockey.
These sports are the ones that end up grabbing all the headlines. This
year's medal controversy in figure skating has all but overshadowed
many of the other sports. Canadian figure skating pair Jamie Sale and
David Pelletier were treated rudely by a French judge, who apparently
thought he was back home dealing with tourists. Now Sale and Pelletier
have been justly awarded the gold medal, and the embarrassed Olympic
Committee, in a classic case of overcompensation, has also awarded
them the 1984 Heisman Trophy and the 1952 Nobel Prize in Chemistry,
which will be posthumously stripped from Linus Pauling as a note of
apology to Canada for having to put up with crooked judges and
socialized medicine.
The four events I generally notice people having a misunderstanding
of, or no understanding at all of, are the biathlon, luge and bobsled
events, curling, and snowboarding. I'll try to explain each.
Biathlon - This sport involves two of the worlds most dangerous
things, skiing and guns. Competitors cross country ski on a grueling
course, then stop to shoot at a target using the rifle they're
carrying, then continue skiing. It's a sport of endurance and danger.
Endurance for the racers. Danger for people who live near the course.
The Biathlon originated in the early 1700's as a training exercise for
Norwegian soldiers who patrolled the border, apparently in an attempt
to halt the illegal importation of Swedish Meatballs that was reeking
havoc on the youth of Norway. In the traditional competition, the
skiers stop at four points along a 12.2 mile course to shoot at
targets. To avoid penalties, the skier must hit the bulls-eye. If the
shot hits the outer ring, the skier is penalized one minute. If the
shot misses entirely, the skier is penalized two minutes. And if the
shot hits Carrot-Top, the skier automatically wins the gold. This
event is not to be confused with the "guy-athlon", which involves
a grueling combination of driving and bowling.
Luge, Skeleton and Bobsled - In the luge, competitors lay on their
backs on a small sled and glide feet first down an icy track at
breakneck speeds. Think of sliding down the south face of Mt. Everest
on the hubcap from a '72 Chrysler Newport. The first international
luge race was held in Switzerland in 1883. In 1913, in an attempt to
attract more global appeal to the luge and other sled sports, The
International Sled-Sport Federation was founded in Dresden, Germany.
The Federation suffered a setback though when the sport was slow to
catch on, and then to add insult to injury, Dresden was mercilessly
firebombed in
1945.
The skeleton event is like the luge, but racers lay belly down and
slide down the track head first. Or, as it's better known in the inner
circle, "Drunken luging." Racers fly down the track head first,
smashing into turns at speeds of 70 to 80 miles per hour and often
suffering painful crashes. This sport teaches you three things; To
control your fear, discipline, and what it's like to be Jan Michael
Vincent's hood ornament.
The Bobsled is like a Soap Box Derby on ice at 80 miles per hour, with
teams of between two and four competitors push-starting the machine
and then jumping in just before it leaves them behind. The bobsled is
the Geo Metro of ice machines. An aerodynamically designed shell on
skates houses the driver and brakeman for the two-man bobsled, and a
driver, brakeman, and two others for the four-man bobsled. The driver and
brakeman refer to the other two riders as "the other two." The
bobsled
was developed in Switzerland late in the 19th century when, to impress
American and British tourists, someone put runners on a toboggan to
get greater speed down the famous Cresta Run at St. Moritz. The
tourists loved it. As the saying goes in Switzerland, "If they'll pay
for cheese with holes in it, they'll pay for anything."
Snowboarding - If all Olympic events were movies, snowboarding is a
Cheech & Chong flick. Snowboarding is surfing for hydrophobics. The
roots of snowboarding can be traced back to the 1920's, just about the
time that California surfer bums would have acquired the means to
drive up to the mountains for the weekend. For some reason,
snowboarding has become synonymous with smoking pot. Maybe it has
something to do with Ross Rebagliati of Canada testing positive for
the drug after his winning run in the men's giant slalom in the 1998
games. Or professional snowboarders Mike Kildevaeld and Brett Tippie
who were busted for pot possession in Nevada after being pulled over
by a Sheriff, who then noticed his drug sniffing dog running to the 7-
11 for a bag of Doritos and some Visine.
I don't understand why the Olympic Committee bans pot. Athletes are
routinely disqualified for using "performance enhancing drugs", but
anybody who's ever known a hash-hound will tell you that it's anything
but a performance enhancer. I'm surprised that, instead of snowboards,
some of these guys aren't sliding down the hill on a sofa. Besides,
pot's not always a bad thing. Its natural tendency to make you a lazy
slacker keeps these guys off the highways and on snowy hills, where
they can only hurt themselves. Pot could have also benefited many
throughout history, if properly applied. If Hitler had hit the pipe a
little, maybe Poland would have been spared. He would have invaded,
"Maybe tomorrow, man...c'mon, pass that thing around Eva. And
somebody make some more pickled herring. This stuff is killer man,
killer!"
Curling - Shuffleboard, bowling and janitorial work finally get their
respect in this sport. In curling, a stone is pushed down a frozen
playing area, which is 46 yards long and 14 feet wide, and the closest
to the "button" wins. Members of the curling team are allowed to use
brooms to sweep the ice ahead of the stone so it will go further.
Another part of the sport is to knock an opponents stone away from the
button.
The earliest known curling stone, found in Scotland, dates back to
1511, and a 1560 painting by the Flemish artist Pieter Breughel shows
a Dutch curling scene, complete with brooms. Breughel's painting,
entitled "Sweep, Ye Drunken Bastards! Sweep!" is the earliest known
visual representation of curling.
Probably the best part about curling is the sheer challenge of it. The
challenge for the writer to make curling sound the least bit
interesting. The bigger challenge will be when I write my piece on
little known events at the summer Olympics. Explaining the pentathlon
may require an entire book, and an obscene amount of No-Doze.
This just in. The IOC has now awarded Jamie Sale and David Pelletier
with the title "King of Pop". Move over, Michael!
--
Doug Powers is a writer of humor who maintains his summer home in
mid-Michigan, and in the winter he moves to the south side of the same house
and deludes himself into thinking that he has a winter home. He is
constantly proofread by his wife and three children. In addition to columns
and stories, Doug writes all kinds of short form humor, topical jokes, etc,
for Laugh.Com and Airborne Entertainment, supplying humor content to
wireless internet subscribers worldwide, except for maybe Calcutta and
Bangledesh. Doug can be reached via his website at www.dougpowers.com or
email at Comedywriter@voyager.net.