<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached
the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will
find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Lets see...the British invaded Spain this weekend...luckily no one
was injured in the incident...just very embarrassed! British forces
were headed for Gibraltar when a map reading error caused them
to incorrectly land on the coast of Spain. The forces were conduct-
ing training exercises at the time! Me thinks they need a
"little"
more training in directional skills! ;)
Women's Olympic Hockey pits Canada and the US in the Gold
medal game! Long time rivals...the two best countries in the
world...this is what the Olympics are really about! Unlike the
Men's Olympic Hockey where Canada's GM Wayne Gretzky
became a whining fool after their game with the Czech Repub-
lic....Mr Gretzky complained and whined about how no one
except Canada likes Canada...well DUH! That is sports for
you Wayne...can't take the heat? Get off the ice!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Stan, Carroll, Keli,
SunAmy, Barb, Wayne, Rubin, Pat, Sonny.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts,
"Ballroom please."
A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm
sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
By the Brooke...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
<Scary thing is...this is too close to reality!>
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian
competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull
costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic
feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8
Russia 5.9
United States 5.5
Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes
costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd
clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly
misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But,
artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8
Russia 5.5
United States 5.9
Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey
jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips
straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get
up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire
'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the
ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 0.0
Russia 0.0
United States 0.0
Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,
"How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies, "You've gotta remember, it's damn
slippery out there."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
This is amazing...set your alarms!
The most beautiful things in Quantum Physics are in the elegance of
mathematics' and the beauty of symmetry.
At 8:02 pm on February 20 this year will be a historic moment in time.
It will not be marked by the chiming of any clocks or the ringing of bells,
but at that precise time, on that date, something will happen which has not
occurred for 1,001 years and will never happen again.
As the clock ticks over from 8:01 pm on Wednesday, February 20, time will,
for sixty seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002, or to be
more precise -- 20:02,20/02,2002 on a 24 hour format display.
The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical pattern was long
before the days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock at 10:01am on
January 10, 1001.
And because the clock only goes up to 23.59, it is something that will never
happen again.
There are some other dates that fall into this category too...the next
major one is 21:12, 21/12, 2112
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."
-Thomas Jefferson
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Big Beaver road. Lol
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The baby flowerpot.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"Keli is a liar and a cheat ," said Greg
to Paul seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" Paul asked.
"Keli didn't come home last night and when I asked her where
she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her
sister, Di Ann." Greg replied.
"So?" Paul queried
"So she's a liar and a cheat. I spent the night with her
sister, Di Ann."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
The Thong
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Tiny Tim's Summer Job
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Here</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
"Infertility unlikely to be passed on"
-Montgomery Advertiser
"Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men"
-The Sunday Oregonian
"Man shoots neighbor with machete"
-The Miami Herald
"Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear"
-Journal of Commerce
"Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information"
-StatenIsland Sunday Advance
"Iowa moves back to Pittsburgh"
-The Flint Journal
"Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism":
-The Los Angeles Times
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a most
uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming,
he asked the class, "Who is responsible for this atrocity?!"
The class clown won tremendous prestige among his peers by
answering, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect his
parents."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at
my place, tail at yours.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Dear Aggie:
What are you on and can I get it on prescription?
Yours in expectancy
Curious
PS I'm a better forger than that Bush gal.
]~[
Dear Nosey....
I partake only of cough syrup. My only trouble is getting it to flow thru the
syringe, as it is quite thick.
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Just a bit closer...
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Phone Sex...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served
by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put
everyone into a good mood as he served them food and
drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the
passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays
that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well
dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a
muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called
a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
I was driving down a lonely country road
one cold winter day when it began to sleet
pretty heavily. My windows were getting
icy and my wiper blades were badly worn
and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the
ice building up on my front window I
suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and
began to overturn large rocks until I
located two very lethargic hibernating
rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened
them out flat and installed them on my blades
and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of... wind chilled vipers?
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
The Lovable MrBean
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Fantasy Vs Reality
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<a href="http://hee-hee.com/i.php?P=1-2-9&R=2-10-1">Click
Here</a>
---------------------GUS SHULTZ DIARY------------------------
Gus seems to have taken leave of his senses! <Did he really
ever have any?> and has not sent a page from his diary this
week....I apologize on behalf of Gus...and hope that you will
forgive him.
Gus Shultz was born in New York City in 1958. He has been
writing columns since hitting puberty in 1976. More columns
by Gus at:http://www.gravetimes.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN THE NORTHWEST IF YOU.....
... know at least eight people who work for companies that
manufacture computer parts, airplanes, or athletic shoes.
... take a half day off every July 1st just to find your sunglasses
and sunscreen.
... get very, very happy when the early morning weather
forecast includes the term "sun breaks."
... never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos,
and mattress pads that double as flotation devices.
... know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
... complain about Californians until the day you sell your
house to one for twice what you paid for it.
... believe swimming should only be done indoors, except
in extreme emergencies.
... go to work and return home in the dark in the winter,
even though you only have an eight-hour work day.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
It was nearly 7 o'clock when an employee walked into a restaurant after
working overtime for a demanding and demeaning supervisor.
As he was being led to his table, he noticed his supervisor at another table
arguing with the waiter about his order. Finally, the waiter turned and
headed toward the bar.
As he was returning to the supervisor's table with a drink, the employee
stopped him saying, "Here's $20.00 in it if you will spit in that
drink."
With a somewhat puzzled look, the waiter replied, "Again?"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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It's a hole in one..
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
An illegally-parked hearse has been towed away in
the Croatian capital with a body still inside.
Funeral service worker Drago Podboj had no idea
where his car and the coffin had gone until he called
police.
He says it is the second time transport police in Zagreb
have towed away his hearse. Police say they had no idea
a body was inside this time.
"I had to pull up in the restricted area to nip into the
office to pick up some paperwork because the coffin was
due to be transported to Yugoslavia," said Mr Podboj.
A police spokesman said: "Tow trucks are within their
rights to tow everything from hearses to diplomatic cars
if they are wrongly parked."
Daily newspaper Jutarnji List reports Mr Podboj declined
to reveal the name of the person in the coffin for fear of
upsetting their relatives.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The man seated himself in the psychiatrist's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a
nymphomaniac."
"I see," the female doctor replied, "I can help you, but I must
advise you
that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," says the guy, "How much for all night?"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] CO L U M N L E F T -- Simon Deonarian, a soldier in
the Metropolitan Opera's "War & Peace," marched off the stage and
landed
in the orchestra pit. (USA Today)
Later, a fellow cast member explained to the shaken thesp
that "break a leg" is not to be taken literally.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy
standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As
Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he
wonders to himself how the poor guy is going to manage
to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob
to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK,
sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps,
with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks of
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him,
and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in
and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your
penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't
know, but I ain't gonna touch it!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
All about women...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel
for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of
by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe
showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What
a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot". The second man married
a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and
thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone
operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...". The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed
them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's
pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 530 in the morning.
He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast
any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m. --------- The phone rings it's the nurse's husband
wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe
stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and
his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You
married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry
a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying "
you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary". Joe went back down to
the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m. -------- The telephone operator's husband calls for
breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best.
The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's
hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks,"
What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as
their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a
telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice
saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband
will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m. -------- The teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples
room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock.
The wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch
marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked "
What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiles and
happily replies, "No.
Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard
last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do
this over and over, until we get right."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?..........
They don't like to look down on the unemployed.
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Who's Going to Hell This Week?
by Helen A. Handbasket
February 18, 2002
Satan has decided the T should be silent in the War on Terror. Let's all pitch
in to help the War on Error by correcting the 2000 presidential election. Satan
accepts no campaign contributions that aren't signed in blood, and he never
shreds a thing. Vote Satan in 2004.
- Helen -
10. What, there isn't enough room in the Supreme Court? Now crooked judges have
got to take over Olympic figure skating? Go figure.
9. Stevie Wonder's clone is called BCC.
8. Will President Bush puke on Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi? Only
if George Michael gets back his stolen Aston Martin with the stains removed.
7. You asked for it. Now everybody boarding an airline has to pass through the
Feds.
6. A federal judge ruled that the Microsoft Corporation had to supply the
computer code for its Windows program on the same day that new U.S Troops
landed in the Philippines. Coincidence? I don't think so.
5. Will Jamie Foxx replace Bill Murray as Bosley in the sequel to Charlie's
Angels? "I hope not," said Adolph Hitler from the 2nd level of hell.
"The original would have been impossible to watch without Murray,"
chortled the former-dictator.
4. "Axis of Evil, Shmaxis of Evil" said Saddam Hussein, explaining
that he had absolutely nothing to do with the recent outbreak of lice on the
"Harry Potter" set. Yeah, right. Then why did he bring it up?
3. Benito Mussolini is wishing just about now that he hadn't been reborn as
Naomi Campbell.
2. Arkansas is now the first state to demand that men give a sperm sample in
order to get a driver's license.
And the number one person going to hell this week?
1. On February 20th at 8:02 p.m., for one minute only, it will be
2002-2002-2002 (or more accurately 20:02,20/02,2002), and at that very second
everybody who isn't reading the latest "Who's Going to Hell This
Week?" is going to hell.
Personal to that guy with the dogs: What are you, nuts? Let them go.
Personal to Dwight Eisenhower: What are you, nuts? Nobody blames you.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
$750,000 Enron gave to the Bush campaign divided by $19,000 Enron gave to the
Gore campaign times 200 unburied bodies found near a Georgia crematorium minus
every priest who ever had sex with a little boy plus Joan Collins' 5th husband
equals $4 million Paul McCartney will get for playing 1 night at the MGM Grand
minus 87 foreign detainees with no terrorist connections being deported by the
Justice Department plus all the understaffed nursing homes in the U.S. divided
by every time Britney Spears has lost her virginity.
QUIZ FROM HELL
In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a) Monty Python's Flying Circus.
b) a rock star with a cucumber covered in tin foil hidden in his underwear.
c) a tour bus full of 80-year-old women.
d) Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a) a pizza delivery boy.
b) crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a grenade beyond its
own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training.
c) CNN making up for a slow news day.
d) Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2."
b) Spongebob Squarepants.
c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train
thing.
d) Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a) Jerry Bruckheimer.
b) Hillary Clinton to distract attention from her husband's penis.
c) the WWF, to promote its next villain: "Muhammad the Merciless.
d) Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
a) a U.S. Senator with a metal hip.
b) the U.S. Supreme Court trying to outdo their hijacking of the 2000
Presidential election.
c) the CNN/al Qaeda cartel.
d) Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40.
Racial profiling is:
a) wrong
b) very wrong
c) oh so very wrong
b) probably makes sense unless you're:
1) the United States Government.
2) a major corporation.
3) the Axis of Evil.
4) a Muslim male between the ages of 17 and 40.
INSTRUCTIONS FROM HELL
"Unwrap and insert one suppository per rectum."
- Seen on a hemorrhoid medicine -
FAIRY TALE FROM HELL
Hansel and Gretel
Hansel and Gretel were lost in the woods when they came upon a house made of
candy and cake. An old witch invited them in and then captured both of them
intending to eat them. Gretel had a chance save both of them by pushing the old
woman in an oven but she decided that it would be wrong not to respect the
witch's cultural traditions. So Gretel and her brother allowed themselves to be
cooked and eaten. The witch was so happy with the children's actions that she invited
all of her witch friends to the area. Soon thereafter, they ate every child in
a hundred mile radius. Soon the whole area was filled with nothing but child
eating witches and all the witches were very happy!
The Moral of the Story: You must respect the culture of others, even at your
own expense!
QUOTES FROM HELL
"The biggest difference between the Russians and Americans was that
Russians recognized that 'the Party Line' was propaganda from the ruling elite,
and Americans who receive 'the Mainstream Press' fail to recognize it as
propaganda from the ruling elite and mistake it for reality."
- Johan Galtung -
"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not;
nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not;
unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is
full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are
omnipotent."
- Calvin Coolidge -
"If women had poles, they could stay in great shape."
- Darryl Hannah on the art of stripping -
"The right wing benefited so much from September 11 that, if I were still
a conspiratorialist, I would believe they'd done it."
- Norman Mailer - (Hmmm, maybe he read Afghanistan, the Taliban, and the Bush
Oil Team)
"But the point was that we understood that there had to be censorship of
our material that we sent out. When we wrote it or it was photographed or
filmed for news reels in those days, that material went into the censors at
that Army headquarters and the unit headquarters, then up on up to the Army and
beyond. And they held that material if they felt that it was in any way
endangering the troops. If we were talking about losses, they didn't want your
enemy to know the losses when you are still on the frontline. We understood it
had to be secret, but you wrote it. You wrote it that day so history, our
history was preserved. They held it to the censors until they could release it.
And that might be a week later, might be a month later, might be six months
later, might be years later. But the material was there to show the history of
our troops in action that we could see at some point to balance what we might
have been able to hear through the censorship. And it was terribly important
and we don't have that history anymore."
- Walter Cronkite on reporting WWII on Larry King -
"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing
with new eyes."
- Marcel Proust -
ACCOUNTANT'S COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
If I Had a Hundred Million
If I had a hundred million
I would hide it all from you
You would never see a penny
I'd be living in Peru
If I had accounting problems
I would blame them all on you
You won't find a thing against me
In the files you look through
It don't take no rocket science
You can't read it in a book
You can't have crisis of conscience
When you're born to be a crook
If I had a load of horseshit
I would drop it all on you
Hide behind the 5th amendment
Is precisely what I'd do
If I had a second mortgage
I would charge it all to you
The economy's depending
On the people that I screw
It don't take no rocket science
You can't read it in a book
You can't have crisis of conscience
When you're born to be a crook
--
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Find out at http://mywebpage.netscape.com/gossipfromhell/