------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you
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find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing!
Well what a weekend....just as I was leaving for a trip to the big
city on Friday...my email alerted me to the fact that the figure
skating gold medal had been awarded to Sale and Pelletier...
changing the original decision...through the support of people
all around the world...Canada got the medal that was so shamefully
stolen from them by terrible judging. It was great to see the looks
on the faces of the skaters as they were awarded the medals and
as they heard Oh Canada being played for them! I'd like to thank
all of your for supporting my petition on line...it will still be sent to
the ISU in the hopes that it helps them to make some changes to
the current system! On a related note...CBC Winnipeg...our local
Olympic TV station picked up on the petition and ran it in their
evening news broadcast and also on their website...turning me
into a local celebrity for a little while! Just added more excitement
to my life! ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: Barbara, Rubin, Stan, Di Ann,
Keli, SunAmy, Marina, Carroll, Jamie.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
What do women and condoms have in common?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of
Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had
formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be
way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis
President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new
axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right.
They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North
Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best
evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being
excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could
join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's
tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan
in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret
handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration
was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate
status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba,
Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat
Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the
Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and
Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As
Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable
clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda
applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the
Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics;
Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations
That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty
Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New
Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to
Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really,
just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First
Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world were
serious, a cautious President Bush granted approval for most
axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of
Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its
members of filing a false application. Officials from
Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Italy, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis,
but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one
asked them.
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks
when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news.
First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."
The troops started cheering at the news.
"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews,
you change with Goldman...."
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
"The best things in life are free things and food. The height of all
existence is free food."
-Scott Peeples
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Maggie lived in a tenement in Glasgow........ in the
roughest part of town. She was pretty naive for a
Glaswegian.
Maggie had been developing a bit of a stomach and
putting on some weight. She thought, me pregnant?',
but she didn't know anything about how to
make sure. She thought, `Big Agnes next door
will know....she's got twelve kids'. Maggie went down
to Big Agnes's flat and told her the problem.
Big Agnes thought for a minute or two and then told
her (in slurred speech, coz she'd been on the Vodka
all morning) to go down to the health-clinic
and ask the doctor. He would be able to tell if
she was pregnant or not.
Maggie made the appointment and attended next day.
That very afternoon, Agnes heard a terrible commotion
at her door, loud hammering and screaming.
She picked up her baseball bat just in case it was
the landlord man after the rent and answered.
It was Maggie, hair dishevelled, blouse ripped,
torn knees on her tights, black-eye the works. "For
God's sake come in" said Agnes," what the hell
happened to you?"
"I went down to the doctors, like you told me. He sent
me to the nurses room. It was that big fat
bitch nurse from Possilpark, her with the
warts and the husband that drinks meths. Well
I told her that the doctor had sent me to
check for pregnancy and she told me she needed a
sample. I asked her, "what the fuck is a
sample? Then she said "piss in a
bottle." Then I told her "well shit in your handbag
if your going to be like that." And thats when the
fighting started!
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Top 10 Songs for People Over 40
10. Lets Get a Physical
9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O' Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day's Nap
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
My name is Sergeant Friday. I work on Tuesday. Tuesday is my partner.
One night we went to a party. On our way there, we had a flat tire. I
jacked, she pumped; I jacked, she pumped; Then she got out of the car to
fix the tire. When we got to the party, we all felt merry. Merry got mad
and left. We all jumped for Joy. Joy got mad and left too. Then a lady
jumped out of the party cake. We all had a piece. Then we had some cake.
I dropped my keys under the couch. I felt, she felt; I felt, she felt;
Then I looked under the couch for the keys. Then I took her home and we
sat on the porch. Someone threw a rock and hit her on the tit. Broke
three of my fingers. I was gonna kiss her goodnight but she closed her
legs and broke my glasses. Then her dad came out and told me to beat it.
So I did; Then I left.
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Aggie has returned from a much needed rest...send your questions
in NOW!
Dear Aggie:
My wife put on a lot of weight with her pregnancy. She keeps saying that
she wants to lose the weight but keeps eating popcorn with extra butter,
drinking chocolate milk, etc..., and won't exercise. I am starting to
lose any physical attraction for her. What should I do?
Squished
]~[
Dear smushed....
Sounds like Ma picked up some bad habits whilst preggers.And she wants to keep
them. If you don't fear for your life, put her on a strict diet. If you do, get
used to living with a fat chick. I would see (w/o her knowledge) her doctor,
and
tell him, and have him set her up a "follow-up" appointment , And
have HIM put
her on a diet. That way you don't look like the bad guy, and thus may once
again, someday, get a little stinky on your dinky once again.Good Luck !!!
Aggie
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Please look left as we take off..
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were
talking about being more considerate of each other.
The good wife promised that she would stop being so
critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return,
promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through
her dresser drawers.
The preacher was true to his word, never looking
through his wife's dresser drawers, and the good wife
was never openly critical of her husband's sermons.
Their marriage progressed smoothly.
After 50 years, their children gave a great party to
celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and
his wife.
Many people came to congratulate the happy couple.
That evening, as they were putting their anniversary
gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left
one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as
he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally
opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3
eggs, and $10,000, in bills of varied denominations.
He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question
his wife.
"Oh," she said. "Well, you remember when we spoke of
being more considerate with each other all those years
ago?"
The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered,
"Yes."
"Well," she continued, "I promised to stop
criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you
gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg
into that drawer."
The preacher smiled. "Well, that's not so bad. Fifty
years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all
that money?"
His wife quietly responded, "Every time I got a
dozen eggs, I sold them."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles university was quizzing a group
of students on Red Cross life saving and water safety techniques. They
answered all of her questions easily until she posed this one: "Which
article of clothing would you remove last if you were catapulted from a
boat or dock fully clothed?" Everyone mentioned something different. It
was evident that no one knew the correct answer, so the instructor
helped out. "The blouse," she said, "because the air gets under
the
blouse and acts like a buoy!" The subsequent uproar ended the class.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
French Fry
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-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
"So what do we do?" Asked Porky.
Sam stared at the ground and pawed at the dirt as he
thought. It came to him suddenly, "Mac, this is you farm so
we have to depend on you." "Remember that sound you made
when you broke your leg two years ago?"
Mac, a border collie, winced as recalled the most painful
moment of his life. "I limped around for months after that."
Sam moved closer, looked directly into Mac's eyes and spoke.
"You need to go over to the basement door and act like your
hurt again."
The pack was confused, before Sam began to explain. "Your
cries for help should get Merrill out of the basement long
enough for us to sneak in."
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Bubba was not too tolerant for the blacks and the Jewish people.
He was a speaker at a Jewish affair. He was served matzo ball soup and
refused it, but was told to taste it, and if he didn't like it, the rest
could be left over. At least ,show the people that you tried it. He
tasted the soup and liked it, in fact, the entire matzo
ball soup was devoured. He asked "Is there any other part of the matzo
that people can eat beside the ball ?
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said
the patient. "One of my testicles has turned blue."
The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient
would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do
such a thing to me?"
"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the
patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks
after the operation, he came back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other testicle has
turned blue too."
Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very
reluctant.
"Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to
agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the
doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now
completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him
the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of
course he did not want to hear about it.
"You really want to die?", asked the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very
angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"What?"
"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"
So, the doctor examined the patient, VERY carefully this time,
and says, "Hmmmm, I think it might be the jeans......"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
A burglar left hanging upside down from a window had
to call Austrian police for help on his mobile phone.
The 42-year-old was trying to break into a nursery in
Linz when his foot got caught in a crack as he went
through a sloping window.
Officers had to take out the window frame to free the
man.
The intruder, who has not been named, is homeless and
claims he did not mean to steal anything but just
wanted to spend the night inside.
Police don't believe his story and have charged him
with burglary and offered him alternative accommodation
in the local jail.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Limerick me!
There was a young girl from Coleshill
Who sat one day on a moleshill
The resident mole
Stuck his nose up her hole
Now Miss Coleshill alright but the mole's ill.
There once was a fellow named Jim
Who took his girl out for a spin
The speedometer rose
The gas pedal froze
They found parts of her but not him.
There was a young man from the Clyde
Who fell down a sewer and died
Along came his brother,
Who fell down another
And now they're interred side by side!
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] P R E H I S T O R I C P E C K E R -- The Journal
Nature reports the discovery in China of a 130 million year old dinosaur
that had feathers and a wishbone that the scientists have named
Archaeopteryx changii. (AP)
A suggestion to name it Colonelsanders rex was rejected as too
commercial.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York
during the winter. He and his friend went outside to
play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's
mother called them back inside and had them remove
their galoshes and gloves.
Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous,
woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them
between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in
from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were
cold, to which he replied "yes".
She then put them together and stuck them between her
warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they
warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Little
Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were
cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his
hands, put them together and stuck them between her
thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands
were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them
out.
Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin
on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now,
Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied
"my ears are cold too!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking
on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me
out, please?"
The clerk turned, looked her up and down for a second, smiled
and said, "Not bad, nice tits too."
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
What is Stevie Wonder's clone called?
BCC <think about it!>
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
This Weeks Laughing Stalk
By Erik Deckers
I Didn't Know You Could Say That
I knew people could be arrogant bastards, but I didn't know you could
actually be charged for it. It seems that Telecom Corp, New Zealand's
largest phone company, is in the hot seat after a customer was charged a
"penalty for being an arrogant bastard."
Auckland businessman James Storrie was outraged after finding the
$337.50 ($140 US) charge on his cell phone bill. Storrie told the New
Zealand Herald that he had complained to the phone company that his
phone had been disconnected. The reply was that it had been reported
stolen, even though it was not the case. Some time later, the bill
arrived.
Telecom officials were understandably embarrassed, and Storrie said he
would accept a confidential compensation package, and will keep his
Telecom account. There is no word as to whether he will receive a
Arrogant Bastard Credit that allows him to yell at Telecom service
people without penalty.
Most experts -- actually just me -- agree there is no possible way to
know if Storrie truly is an arrogant bastard without having a few drinks
with him first (my preference would be Arrogant Bastard beer, which is
available at www.arrogantbastard.com).
I would also like to point out that not all New Zealanders are like
this. I've known two Kiwis (as they're called) in my life, and only one
of them was (and no, it's not the one I know now. I have to say that
since she reads this column).
But this got me thinking: First, wouldn't it be great if you could
actually fine people for being arrogant bastards? Second, isn't it great
that a story like this actually made the news? Now I can use the word
"bastard" as actual journalistic commentary, rather than my own petty
whining.
Case #1: Ex-Enron CEO Kenneth Lay after refusing to testify to Congress.
Despite Lay's cheerleading that the company was in great shape, Enron
went bankrupt, decimating workers' retirement funds and stockholders'
portfolios. Meanwhile, Lay and his cronies made millions by selling off
their Enron stock before the hammer dropped.
Lay told the Senate Commerce Committee that he was "deeply troubled"
by
asserting his Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate himself. "It may
be perceived by some that I have something to hide," Lay said, and then
fictitiously added: "And by 'some' I mean anyone with an IQ over 18, and
by 'something to hide,' I mean 'stole millions and millions of
dollars'."
Arrogant Bastard Fine: The millions of dollars you and those other
crooks made off with. Deeply troubled my a-- Hey look, another case!
Case #2: International Skating Union President Ottavio Cinquanta.
Allegations have surfaced that the French figure skating judge was
manipulated into voting for Russian skaters Elena Berezhnaya and Anton
Sikharulidze in the pairs free skate last Monday night. Her vote
guaranteed the Russians victory over Canadians Jamie Sale and David
Pelletier.
According to nearly all accounts, Sale and Pelletier skated a flawless
and passionate routine, while the Russians had one obvious technical
error that should have kept them from the gold.
However, Cinquanta said that the competition was over, and that the
Russians would keep their gold. He refused to consider any other
options, other than to conduct an "internal assessment" of the judging
(translation: I'll ask a few people and then hit the slopes). He also
said that there could be no resolution until the ISU executive board
meets on Monday, February 18.
"Of course I am embarrassed," Cinquanta told a press conference.
"But I
can tell you that I do not think to be in the presence of scandal."
Dude, you are so much in the presence of scandal that Tonya Harding is
taking a break from waittressing at Cracker Barrel to laugh at you.
Arrogant Bastard Fine: $100,000. And give the gold medal to Sale and
Pelletier.
Case #3: Georgia State Representative Austin Scott. Understandably,
Georgia's elected officials don't want Mike Tyson to fight Lennox Lewis
for the heavyweight boxing championship in Atlanta, as has been
proposed. Tyson is considered a sexual predator, and has often been
violent against women. Which is why House Republicans introduced a
resolution asking the Georgia State Boxing Commission not to allow Tyson
to fight in their state. Scott, who wrote the House Resolution, said
that if Tyson were allowed to fight in the Georgia Dome, it would send
". . . a bad message that money is more important than ethics in
athletics."
How ironic that a politician says that money is more important than
ethics in athletics, when money is the clear winner in the political
ring.
Arrogant Bastard Fine: Your entire special-interest contributions for
the past four years.
Case #4: Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Taking a page
from Ken Lay's book, Selig refused to testify at Wednesday's Senate
Judiciary Committee hearing, even though the Committee is considering
whether to strip MLB of part of its antitrust exemption. At issue is
whether MLB team owners should be allowed to move or close down entire
teams at their whim, or whether they have to take into account the
wishes of the thousands of fans who pay hundreds of dollars just to
attend a game.
Selig did testify before the House Judiciary Committee last December
that team owners had a $232 million operating loss last year. However,
he refused to answer any questions about specifics of teams' expenses.
I can tell you exactly what their expenses were: multi-million dollar
salaries for players who play a kid's game for six months a year. Take
new New York Yankee Jason Giambi who inked a seven year, $120 million
contract. Meanwhile, home run ace Barry Bonds re-signed with the San
Francisco Giants for five years and $90 million. Between the two
players, that's $35 million per year, or 15% of the total operating loss
for 2001. Hmmm. . .
Bud, I'm no accountant, but when you pay just two players 15% of your
total operating loss, and you've got five dozen more just like them. . .
well, you see what I'm getting at, right. Right?
My solution: Tell the owners to quit caving to the players' greed. Tell
the players to grow up and realize it's only freakin' baseball and not a
race to end world hunger. And somebody, for the love of God, please
teach these owners some financial responsibility! They lost as much
money in one year as the entire country of Haiti earns in 13 days.
Arrogant Bastard Fine: $232 million and a good solid dope slap.
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.