<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Carroll, Melissa, Rubin,
Walter, Barb, Wayne, Keli.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
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">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Did you hear about the new cereal called Snatch?
You eat it right out of the box.
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Read carefully..
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------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie...
... "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.
IN A DIRTY MUG!"
... "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,
let's draw upon our feminine selves for a
more intuitive
solution."
... "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little
boys'room."
... "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
... "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee,
nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what
say we put on
the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or
two?"
... "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
... "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams
of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
... "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to
get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
... "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"
... "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had
a keen eye for interior decoration."
... "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"
... "It's like I keep tellin' you, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women
is from Dodge."
... "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...
....Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a
busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his
finger up the other drunk's ass.
A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what
they're doing. "What the hell are you doing with your
finger up his ass?" yells the cop.
"I'm trying to make him puke!" says the drunk.
"Well, you won't make him puke by sticking your finger
up his ass!" the cop says.
"I will when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk.
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag
of his tail.
-Henry Wheeler Shaw
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
A bit too fast...
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Read the sign out loud...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
This appeared in a daily morning e-mail received by Bill
R. from radio station WOAI in San Antonio, TX.
Austin police are taking a hands off approach to bare
breasts during the Mardi Gras celebration.
It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it!
-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
"Hmmph! Typical pit bull mentality" said Prince, a poodle
who came from the next town over. "You're answer to
everything is to attack and kill."
"Hey, at least I get the job done, Princesssssss." Ralph
replied indignantly.
"Enough from the both of you!" Barked Sam. "We do need to
get in the basement but not by killing anyone."
"If the world is coming to an end I don't see the big deal
if we are doing it to save ourselves."Stated Ralph.
"What if we're wrong? Queried Sam. "If we are going to
survive we need to use our brains not our claws."
Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Traffic sign confusion
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Taliban Spice Girls
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor.
After the election results were in, a hoard of reporters surrounded him
and began asking him questions on how he won.
A young reporter walked up to him and said," Mr. Mayor, I understand
that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people,
shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you
kissed a parakeet. "
The Mayor replied, "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to
the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a
parakeet...That's A Lie...I kissed a Cock-or-two."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The moon shown silver on the waters of the
lake and the waves that were beating on the
shore were hardly equal in intensity to the
waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple
paused long enough for the young man to
whisper, "Darling am I the first man to
make love to you?"
Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more
than irritable. "Of course you are!" she
said. "and also the best too. I don't know
why you men always ask the same old
ridiculous questions."
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every
man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the
phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she
added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
New taxi service...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Everything comes with operating instructions....look at the
new instruction manual that arrives when you purchase a bag
of pretzels!
Congratulations on purchasing a bag of "Mr Salty" Pretzels.
Correctly used, these salty snacks should provide minutes of healthy
enjoyment. However, in order to derive optimum pleasure, and minimal
injury, we do recommend that the following procedure is studied and
followed.
YOU WILL NEED
-------------
1 x comfortable chair
1 x bag of pretzels (contents approximately 24 pretzels)
1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the sporting event of your
choice
Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED and could be DANGEROUS
STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG
-----------------------
This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs to be taken
nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully.
1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE between
FOREFINGER AND THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists
open on the surprisingly sharp plastic edges.
2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion.
3. If you SHOULD LOSE YOUR GRIP on the bag, take extreme care
not to smack yourself in the face with your flailing hand as this can
result in OBVIOUS BRUISING. Instead, you are advised to throw
yourself into the safe haven of the COMFORTABLE CHAIR until the
hand-danger is passed. On NO ACCOUNT throw yourself into the
safe haven of THE FLOOR, THE TELEVISION, THE DOGS, THE
WINDOW, THE OVEN, THE LIGHTFITTINGS or THE ROTATING
BLADES OF A NEARBY HELICOPTER as severe injury and embarrassment may result.
If you have an open bag of pretzels before you, you may now
proceed to step 2. Otherwise, simply repeat step 1 until full openness is
achieved.
STEP 2. REMOVING PRETZEL FROM BAG
---------------------------------
1. Set the bag upon your lap, making sure it is reasonably stable.
2. GENTLY insert one hand into the bag. IT MAY BE NECESSARY
TO WITHDRAW EYES FROM TELEVISION IN ORDER TO ACCOMPLISH THIS SAFELY. You may
prefer to wait until a commercial break or other interval in the action. You
should also ensure that you are not over-excited by the sporting events in
progress before attempting this manoeuvre.
3. CLOSE YOUR FINGER AND THUMB over a single pretzel.
DO NOT attempt to select MULTIPLE PRETZELS. Not only is this
an extremely advanced manoeuvre and highly risky in itself, but it
will unnecessarily complicate step 3 and will almost certainly lead
to brain injury, death and further embarrassment. If you FAIL to
secure a pretzel, open the finger and thumb, then close again in a
different position - although STILL WITHIN THE BAG - until a pretzel is
secured.
4. WITHDRAW HAND FROM BAG taking care not to break pretzel,
drop pretzel, lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own
eye, smack head on door jamb, press thigh against red-hot coals,
or drive meat skewers through fleshy parts of upper arm.
With the pretzel now secured in the hand, the operation is nearly
complete. However, you cannot afford to let your guard down.
STEP 3. TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH
-------------------------------------
1. Delicate hand-eye co-ordination is required. KEEPING YOUR
EYES FIXED ON THE PRETZEL, first WITHDRAW your hand.
Should the pretzel DROP at this point, you will have to repeat step 2.
2. RAISE PRETZEL TOWARDS face - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils,
hotline to Moscow and Nuclear Button in the process.
3. OPEN MOUTH - this step is vital and EASILY FORGOTTEN IN THE HEAT OF THE
MOMENT
4. PLACE PRETZEL JUST INSIDE MOUTH. Do not attempt to force
pretzel in. Pretzel should fit easily inside, and need not be entirely
encased in mouth orifice. If pretzel does not fit easily, check that
mouth is open and that pretzel is in mouth, rather than ear. A small mirror
may be helpful.
5. RELEASE PRETZEL AND WITHDRAW FINGERS FROM MOUTH.
Failure to perform this easily-overlooked step can lead to crippling
injuries. If you are in any doubt, consult mirror once more. Pretzel will
probably be just visible inside mouth and FINGERS SHOULD BE
WELL CLEAR before step 4 commences.
You are nearly ready to enjoy your pretzel - however the last step
is by far the most dangerous, and EXTREME CARE should be taken.
Inexperienced eaters of pretzels may care to practice without pretzels
in order to have confidence in steps 1 to 3 before proceeding to the
pretzel "fire fight" which is step 4.
STEP 4. EATING THE PRETZEL
--------------------------
1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. AT LEAST
20 ITERATIONS ARE RECOMMENDED. "MR SALTY" CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE
FOR
INJURY, WOUNDING, DEATH, INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS OR WARFARE RESULTING FROM
FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS DIRECTIVE.
2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide resulting substance
to rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE - BUT DO NOT
LINGER AT THIS POINT EITHER. All your concentration must now be
brought to bear on guiding the pretzel safely down the esophagus,
without inhaling and without passing out due to lack of oxygen.
3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN
RE-COMMENCE BREATHING.
Congratulations - you may now repeat from step 1, until bag is empty or
belly is full.
TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
---------------------
1. PRETZELS TASTE "PLASTICKY" - You are eating the bag.
2. PRETZELS TASTE "FURRY" AND DOGS ARE YELPING - You are eating the
dogs.
3. PRETZELS TASTE REVOLTING - This is normal
4. FINGERS CANNOT GRASP PRETZEL - Bag is closed or is empty.
5. PRETZELS ARE ALL OVER FLOOR. Bag is upside down, or has
been opened with undue force. Deploy dogs and request fresh bag.
6. PRETZELS CANNOT BE SEEN - Light is off or eyes are closed.
7. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND EYES ARE FULL OF GRIT -
You have placed pretzel in eye instead of mouth
8. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND I AM DEAF - You have placed pretzel in ear
instead of mouth
9. I AM LYING ON THE FLOOR AND DOGS ARE STARING AT ME -
You have attempted to breathe while chewing and/or have failed to chew
pretzel thoroughly.
10. SIRENS ARE GOING OFF, MR RUMSFELD IS SHOUTING AND MR CHENEY IS CLUTCHING
AT HIS CHEST - You have confused bag of pretzels with nuclear alert. Go back
to watching television.
NB: If you are not the President of the United States of America, the
most powerful individual in the Western World and controller of the
World's largest nuclear arsenal and/or you have two brain cells to
rub together, you can safely ignore these instructions.
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
I have just learned that, should they ever want to meet the
conditions for joining the single European currency, citizens of the
United Kingdom can no longer use the phrase "spending a penny." The
correct terminology is now "euronating.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
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Mcbeal's Doctor visit
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A Classic:
An 85 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well doc, its
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried
with her mouth , first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
still nothing.
We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between
her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, " Yep, and no matter what we tried, we couldn't get
the jar open."
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.
"I'm going to
have to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving
board!"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Mini Biker
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
Officials in Bangkok have put a Valentine's Day curfew
on teenagers to stop them losing their virginity.
Anyone under 18 caught out after 10pm will be kept at
police stations until their parents pick them up.
Police are also patrolling 30 locations popular with
youths to make sure their celebrations don't lead to
sex.
Patrol teams will be looking for teenagers holding
hands or indulging in "heavy drinking, obscene dancing
and flirting", the Bangkok Post reports.
Nikhom Jarumanee, director of the Physical Education
Department's Student Patrol Division, says the spot-checks
and curfews are for the teenagers' own good.
He says teenagers now have "shocking ways" of celebrating
Valentine's Day, with some girls turning the event into a
sex competition. "Whoever scores the most is crowned the
charm queen," he added.
Some teenagers say the patrols are a violation of their
rights. They argue adults should just let youngsters have
their day of freedom.
Police are also ordering Bangkok bars and nightclubs to ban
female customers who arrive alone. Officers say the ban,
based on a 40-year-old law, will protect the safety of single
women and help reduce prostitution.
Human rights campaigners say the ban amounts to gender
discrimination.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
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">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man,
were having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.
The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, "I have
four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team!"
The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have
a football team."
To which the Mormon man replied, "You fellas ain't got a
clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] C A N A D I A N S C L U B B E D -- An American
iceref was the first Olympic official to cry "Fix!" in accusing Ruski
and French judges of robbing the Canadian pairs team of the gold medal
they clearly won. (LA Times)
Big mistake hiring Arthur Anderson to oversee the judging.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
The Hong Kong South China Morning Post today reported that Ms Lee
Chen-fan refused to pay any compensation for damaging a car that she
landed on when trying to commit suicide by jumping from the roof of a
building.
She claimed that she wasn't liable since the car was parked
illegally! She commented "I meant to die. Instead of saving me,
the car greatly upset my plan."
Now how would you explain this to your insurance company?
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of
the boys was having trouble seeing the ball.
His friends kept telling him he needed glasses.
Finally, he bought himself a pair and his game improved 100%.
Back in the clubroom they were talking over a few beers.
"You're playing better since you got your glasses," one said.
"You're right, I look down and the ball's as big as a basketball,
just can't miss it now," he said.
After a few more beers, he said. "Gotta go to the toilet, be back
in a minute."
When he came back, all the front of his trousers were wet.
"Gee, what happened to you?" his mates asked.
"Don't know," he replied, "got in there, pulled it out and it
looked too big to be mine, so I put it back!"
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
A guy and his wife were in bed one night.The guy was reading a book. The
wife, wanting to make love said, "Is that book so good you can't put it
down or am I so bad you can't get it up?"
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Java Junkie
by Dave Glardon
It's five in the morning and I'm sitting here at my
computer. No, I didn't get kicked out of bed. This
is the only time I can find any peace and quiet for
writing. Besides, I get a whole pot of coffee all to
myself.
There are few things in life that bring me as much
pleasure as a cup of coffee, and I'm not allowed to
mention them here. That's okay, because until I've
had my first cup, I don't even care about the others.
At that point, I'd trade Julia Roberts for a cup of
coffee.
A few years ago I had a medical test that required no
caffeine for twenty-four hours. Why didn't they just
shoot me instead? That's like taping Rush Limbaugh's
mouth shut for a whole day. I was a basket case.
Before the test even started, my head felt like I'd
been smacked with a sledgehammer. The lab technician
kindly noted that caffeine is a drug and suggested I
may be addicted. I kindly noted that if I wanted his
opinion, I'd beat it out of him.
You see, I'm not a nice person before my first cup of
coffee. And the last thing I need is someone
tantalizing me about it. Yes, caffeine is a drug.
Yes I'm addicted. No, I won't go on a twelve-step
program. I WANT COFFEE!!!
Decaf, you say? Not on your life. That rates right
up there with non-alcoholic beer. If God can take the
time to put caffeine in my coffee, the least I can do
is drink it that way. I want mine full-bodied, fresh
from the pot, with no artificial enhancements. Cream
and sugar are for pansies.
The same goes for gourmet coffee. That's just a
substitute for people who can't handle the real thing.
Coffee was put on this earth for the sole purpose of
making me a nicer person in the morning. A whole bag
of hazelnuts can't do that.
And what's up with all these fancy coffee shops in
bookstores? You're not allowed to walk around with a
glass of water in your hand, but no one cares if you
dribble cappuccino all over a book you haven't paid
for.
I've just never understood the fascination. Coffee is
not a social beverage. It's meant to be savored on a
personal level, like meditation or an evening by the
fire. Most bookstores are about as personal as a
locker room, and that's not a place I go to drink
coffee.
But it's the fashionable thing to do, so I play along.
I go to the counter, and some deviant with blue hair
and more body piercings than a Tasmanian witch doctor
gives me a look of complete disgust when I say, "Just
give me a cup of coffee."
That's right, a cup of plain, hot, unflavored coffee.
I don't want it dumped into a blender with boiling
milk. I don't want ice, I don't want chocolate syrup,
I don't want raspberries, and I don't want whipped
cream. What is this, Baskin Robbins?
As far as I'm concerned, flavoring your coffee is
about as classy as slurping champagne through a straw.
I say this from the viewpoint of someone whose liver
has filtered enough coffee to float a battleship.
And since we're on the subject, let me share a few
other insights. First of all, coffee isn't for
everyone. This includes small children,
schizophrenics, and the guy who sits next to me at
work. He reacts to caffeine like a kitten to catnip.
Also, caffeine doesn't do a thing to reduce the
effects of alcohol. A whole pot of coffee won't keep
you from falling off a barstool, but you will be wide
awake when you hit the floor.
And cleaning a coffeepot doesn't ruin the flavor of
the coffee. That's an excuse dreamed up by men who
are too lazy to pick up a sponge. Just be sure to
rinse out the soap when you're done, or it'll taste
like decaf.
Yes, coffee is important to me. It's one of the few
things in life I take seriously. And I know that
someday I'll have to cut back, or give it up
completely.
I only hope I'll be too old to care. As I reminisce
about quiet mornings with my old friend, I'll wish I
had one last cup to trade for something else I missed.
If only I could remember
Julia who?
Copyright 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved
--
Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense
of the nineties. You can visit his Website at
http://www.daveglardon.com