<------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour Presents------>
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! The day of lovers...hope you are with
the one you love today...cuddle up real close...get the wine and the
chocolate covered strawberries...fire up the hot tub...get a nice fire
going in the fireplace....the handcuffs and billy club should be close
at hand...invite the neighbours over to watch and have a grand old
time....whoops...sorry...got a little excited there and gave away
my Valentine's Day gift to my wife....have a great one! ;)
Okay...so now the darn French judge has basically admitted to being
"pressured" into voting for the Russian figure skating team...even
though it was quite clear that the Canadian team was much better...
send a message of support to the Canadians and let the International
Skating Union know your real feelings...sign my online petition that will
be sent to the ISU...it really COULD make a difference!
<a href="http://www.petitiononline.com/phgold/petition.html">Click</a>
http://www.petitiononline.com/phgold/petition.html
Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, SunAmy, Stan, Jim,
Rubin, Laura, Martie, Spike.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@paulsfunhouse.com
">Jokes</a>
-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
Lets start with a quickie:
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses have inverted nipples?
From people poking them in the tits saying, "Get the fuck out of my
house."
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Happy Valentine's Day!!!
Since my sweetie is not an hour away we've made plans to go
out to our favorite hotdog stand tonight. I bought her a rose
and 2 cooking utensils.
But she loves hot dogs. Especially with mustard, spinach,
relish and slaw. DOGHOUSE!!! She won't put me in the doghouse
for this. It's too small.
What?? no cooking utensils for Valentine's day. But, but , butt...I
thought I would place them in a vase with the rose. At least they won't
die...They might get thrown at me. But I'll catch em and put em in
the drawer. She'll love em.
NO!!!!! What do ya mean NO?????????
O.K. I bought her 5 pairs of panties!! Red ones! Now she has a
different pair for each week of the month. Some with hearts. She will
LOVE them. And so will I! Of course...I
bought em too small so she
will have to lose weight to wear em! Yea, she needs to lose 15-20 lbs.
No, I did not buy myself a red casket. She will not kill me when the panties
only go half way up. She'll pass out from loss of blood circulation. Then
I
can have my way with her.
ARRESTED!!! She wouldn't do that. We've been married for 25 years. And I
keep telling her that just because we don't want any more kids doesn't mean
we can't let my flashlight explore her cave.
O.K. O.K.!!!!!!!!!!!! I bought her some jewelry
Gold plated handcuffs!!!!!!!!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Redneck's Valentine's Day Poem
that'll touch your heart-
Roses are red,
or are they blue?
Hell I don't know
but I do like you.
I love you more
than my truck's tires.
Yer more useful than my
old rusty pliers.
You cook a good deer
and fry a good egg,
just wish you'd shave that
hair off your legs.
If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face,
It's okay, I'll still feel the same,
I'll just keep on tellin my buddies,
yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.
Yer my pride and joys,
What a lady!
But hows come we do it
only when it's my payday?
When I ran over ya with my truck,
you didn't even say "ouch."
And you are so cute,
when you wipe your boogers under the couch.
I hope we stay together,
at least a couple more days-
cuz I'm really horney
and I want to get laid.
----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------
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-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be
married as well.
-Unknown
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Lost in the handbag...
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Signs that St. Valentine's Day is not going well...
* Your still in jail after the groundhog day incident.
* Your Rabbi sent you a St. Valentine's Day card.
* That special someone tells you she's ready to take the next
step in your relationship, then dumps you.
* There's a guy wearing a diaper; he visits your girl, but he ain't
cupid.
* This year you have the best Valentine's gift EVER! -- two plane
tickets to a romantic tropical paradise... Afghanistan!
* Your little candy heart says "bite me, you stupid bastard.
------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------
Rover valentine
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Big target valentine
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Garfield valentine
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk.
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless,
one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In
hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish
it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now
I'm fulfilled... SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . .but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Looking for some Valentine Recipe Ideas? Check out
Spike and Jamies page:
http://valentines.spike-jamie.com/
--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------
Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the
majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.
-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------
Aggie has taken a break for St. Valentine's Day...she and Bruno
are off celebrating their continued love for each other...Aggie will
return in Tuesday's issue!
NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/">Dear
Aggie</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
Yep, she is....
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The long answer....
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
When my sugar daddy dies," confided Jeni to Debi, "I inherit the
lot... it's in his last will and testicles."
"You mean testament," chuckled Debi.
"No, testicles..." said Jeni, "I've got him by the balls."
--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------
Two brothers went to medical school but one dropped out and went into
law enforcement. The other went on to become a successful gynecologist
and operated a women's clinic.
When the police officer brother was injured on the job and was forced
to retire, his more prosperous doctor brother took pity on him. He was
set up with a job as a night watchman at the women's clinic.
It really should come as no surprise that he then spent the rest of his
career in relative OB-security.
------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------
Trench-coat valentine
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Mailbox valentine
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Jack in the box valentine
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Bonzo valentine
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--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------
The worst part of sitting beside the road being written up for a ticket I
personally don't think I deserved, was watching George ramble by in his
pickup, ear-flaps waving in the breeze, and a toothless grin spread across
his demented face. A few more rusted bolts popped off his truck as it
rumbled past.
"You should pull him over," I said pointing at the truck as it
wheezed its
way down the road. "He's pulling out in front of people and just
driving
stupid."
The officer looked at me over his sunglasses. "There ain't no law
against
stupidity," he drawled.
"So I get a ticket for being stupid enough to pass him in a no passing
zone,
for speeding, and for running a stop sign?"
"No, you get a ticket for speeding and passing in no-passing zonethat's
illegal. You're allowed to be stupid for free. Did you say you ran
a stop
sign?"
2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had
come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one
scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we
no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and
do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get
lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the
scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this?
Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist
replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in
the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed
himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true
what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------
Saudi Arabia has imposed a ban on Valentine's
Day celebrations.
Shops have been told not to sell red roses, teddy
bears and greetings cards that celebrate the
occasion.
The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and
Prevention of Evil is conducting patrols to ensure
it is obeyed.
Jabir al-Hakami, head of the commission in Mecca,
told Arab News: "The commission has been geared up
to enlighten youth on the dangers of blindly
following worthless foreign customs."
The Higher Committee for Scientific Research and the
Issuing of Fatwas says Muslims are banned from
celebrating or supporting Valentine's Day or other
holidays that contravene Islam.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@paulsfunhouse.com
">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" mailto:weirdnewsweekly-subscribe@topica.com
">WNW</a>
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Making love is like....BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back,
in a nine car pile-up on a dual
carriage-way, is...
very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all,
brace yourself,
hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender.
And pray you make contact
with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------
[||||] M C O A S I S -- The McDonald's in Dharon Saudi Arabia
has a counter that serves women only. (LA Times)
Featuring the McBurka Burger that can be sucked through that
cheese cloth peep hole.
Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
A man started to snore in his seat at the opera. "Please stop your
snoring," the usher pleaded. "You are disturbing the others..."
"Look, buddy," the man said angrily, "I paid for this seat and
I'll
do whatever I want!"
"Yes, sir," replied the usher. "But please be considerate...you
are
keeping everybody awake!"
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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------
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--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress,
he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching
post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him
trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained"
our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited
him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he
wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------
How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
Spit
--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------
Don't Forget The Chocolate
by Dave Glardon
Today is one of the most important days of the year.
If you're married, it's second only to your wedding
anniversary. If you're in a serious relationship that
you'd like to continue, this IS your anniversary.
Today is Valentine's Day.
I just don't get the fascination. It's not really a
religious holiday, and the only notable event
associated with Valentine's Day is hardly worth
celebrating.
On this day in 1929, a bunch of gangsters were found
dead in a Chicago garage, the victims of a mass
execution. No one knows for sure why, but rumor has
it they didn't buy their wives anything for
Valentine's Day.
I learned about Valentine's Day the hard way. I
remember exchanging those cheesy little cards in grade
school, but we stopped doing that in fifth grade, so I
assumed we had all outgrown it. Bad assumption.
The whole time I was dating, I never thought about
Valentine's Day. This probably explains why I never
kept a girlfriend longer than a year. Oh well, their
loss.
But looking back on those years got me to thinking.
What is Valentine's Day all about? Where did it
originate, and what was the original purpose? I got
some answers, but I'm not sure the world's ready for
them.
My trip through history began in ancient Rome. On
February 15, during the annual celebration of
Lupercalia, all the young maidens would write their
name on a card and place it in a barrel. It was like
a dance card with instant benefits. Men would draw a
name from the barrel and treat the young lady to
dinner and an orgy. Can you feel the romance?
Christians were against this practice, and tried
substituting cards with the names of saints instead of
women, with the intent that the recipient would try to
imitate the saint. Oddly enough, the young men
preferred orgies.
Sometime in the third century, Claudius II decided
that single men made better soldiers than married men.
Of course they do. When have you ever known a
married man to win a fight?
In the hopes of building a stronger military, he
outlawed marriage for young men. But Valentine, a
Roman priest, held weddings in private. Well, it
wasn't all that private, because somehow Claudius
found out.
While awaiting execution, the priest cured his
jailer's daughter of her blindness, and she fell in
love with him. On the eve of his execution, he sent
her a romantic note signed, "your Valentine." The next
morning, February 14, his head and body went their
separate ways.
Since this was the day before the annual orgy, the
church took advantage of the opportunity to establish
a holiday that could preempt the Lupercalia festival.
In other words, Valentine's Day was originally
intended to spoil the mood, not enhance it.
So that's where it all started. The first Valentine's
cards were "Come and get me" notes left in a barrel at
the entrance to a Roman orgy. And we encourage our
children to reenact this ritual?
Of course, today's Valentine's cards are just a bit
more subtle. Getting a card doesn't necessarily
guarantee a night of passion. You still have to put
on a little charm first. Chocolate is a good place to
start.
That's another lesson I learned the hard way. No
matter how much money you spend on cards, flowers, or
lingerie, if you forget the chocolate, you're sleeping
on the couch.
The only excuse for not buying chocolate is because
you spent all your money on diamonds. If you didn't
buy diamonds, you're in trouble.
Here's a little hint for those of you who are new to
the game. This is NOT the time for honesty. "You
wanted chocolate? Sorry, I thought you were trying to
lose weight." Of course, I'd never say such a thing,
and you can bet I'll never say it again.
I guess I should dig down deep inside myself and try
to find a little romance. After all, it's only for a
day. Besides, if I treat my wife good for Valentine's
Day, she'll give me something I really want use of
the TV for this weekend's Daytona 500.
Copyright 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved
--
Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of
age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense
of the nineties. You can visit his Website at
http://www.daveglardon.com